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June 2nd, Loft, 7 pm

Summer vacation. Another school year done. No more homework for next three months, two of which will be spent in Genovia. It is 500 years since one of my famous and important relatives died (I can't think of their name right now – I better hide this diary well so that a certain living relative of mine doesn't find out about this little slip) so big festivals will be held in Genovia this August. Grandmere is freakishly excited already – she got Sebastiano to create a whole collection of dresses just for me. She hired world's best designers so that they could create outfits for her in the shade of purple unseen before. I feel sorry for the person that will be sacrificed to tell her that such shade does not exist.

Ah … I should probably be excited that holidays are here. I am, of course, who likes school anyway? Numbers and equations and symbols and … well, they might be a pain but studying, especially when you are not so good at it, is time consuming. And it deserves a lot of attention. It gives your mind little time to wander.

And this year I didn't need any excessive free time.

I am not sure that I am ready to have it already. I would actually prefer to have another month of studying to do. Or two. Or three.

Yep, I am a Geek, as Lana would say.

But honestly, not having anything to do usually means I start to think. I wish I could daydream, wander aimlessly across my dream lands, but unfortunately, my thoughts are usually only focused on one thing.

Something I would love to forget and something that keeps coming back to haunt me.

I can't believe it is June already. It feels like just yesterday that September started.

It's been nine months since he left and it still feels like yesterday.

And it still hurts as much as it did.

I have been terrible with diary this year, I know. But what's the point of writing if every day feels like a simple rewrite of the previous one? I got up; went to school (it ached as hell that we didn't stop in front of a certain building, picking a certain person up); greeted my friends; laughed at jokes that were funny and pretended to laugh at the ones that weren't; made notes during class; tried my best to understand Calculus and be a good lab partner to Kenny who, honestly, still had to do most of the work; left for Plaza after school and spent two to three hours having Princess Lessons with Grandmere. I went home, did homework, asked Mr G (yeah, I still can't call him Frank) for help where numbers appeared, IMed with Tina, spent time with my cat, tried to expand Rocky's vocabulary, work on my … senior project.

Then I went to bed and repeated everything the next day.

I occasionally modeled for Sebastiano's latest collection - there were quite few of them. The guy is like a firework. Like a half-English-speaking firework. He gets 'good id' and everything is sparkling and energetic till … he gets a 'bet id' and the sparks disappear, only to be replaced by new colored ones. Again, a few sketches, a few outfits and the history repeats.

I wonder when the Fashion Week will finally get to see Sebastiano's line of Halloween Costumes (inspired by his and Rene's trip to Las Vegas) or his 'traditional outfits of the world in 21st century version' or however he called it – somehow he got the idea that I would be a perfect model for his 'Greek Goddess' dress. Only that in his opinion the goddesses do not have short blond hair of a weird shape – so Paolo was super psyched to give me a Total Makeover. Now I have medium length, brownish, wavy hair and, yeah, I am super psyched too as it has been over two months and the media still hasn't figured it out that I didn't die but simply got a new hairstyle. And a new hair color.

When Rene was in town, I took him sightseeing – though, we only saw the inside of the nearest Starbucks. Since Rene created a profile on one of those dating sites and actually got lots of female attention, he prefers to spend his time logged on. And because he is currently too broke to afford a new cell (he lost his previous one somewhere in Italy) and since he is too afraid of my Dad to ask him for a new one AND since Grandmere finally realized he would make a very, very bad Prince Consort, he totally depends on cafes with free Wi-Fi.

Every once in a while I played hide and seek with paparazzi, accompanied by Prince Harry. Yeah … THE Harry. To my immense surprise we remarkably bonded in November after being stuck at the same table at some formal dinner organized by our dear grandmothers who thought our countries should improve relations or something. We discovered we both share mutual feelings towards being royal and somewhere towards the end of the dinner he managed to convince me to sneak into the kitchen to check on the desserts. I swear, I was not drunk when we ended up playing badminton in the backyard. How were we supposed to know that there were reporters behind the fence? It enraged Grandmere so much she cancelled Princess Lessons for a while month. I would totally go YIPPEE! if at the same time Dad didn't take away my cell and limited my access to internet for two months. But, it was totally fine since half of the punishment was spent in Genovia.

Oh, I still have therapy with Dr K. Every Friday I rant and he listens and instead of prescribing me pills or at least giving me some useful advice, he just goes on and on about his horses.

Friday and Saturday nights … I sometimes have a sleepover at Tina's. Or we go to see a movie or bowling. One time, Lana totally dragged me to some night club, pretending we were only going 'dancing'. Yeah, right. It ended with me being stuck in ER, with a deep cut on my forehead and Lana's barf all over my shirt. Good person as I of course pathologically am, I offered to take her home after she got so drunk that she barely managed to stand. As we were ascending stairs to her flat she tripped and fell onto the stairs, pulling me down with her, my head hit the edge of the step and voila, the blood was all over the face. As of Lana's condition … the drunks always walk away.

Up until March or something I spent every other Friday evening on a date. Tina and Lana, in their attempt to get me out of my room, set up blind dates for me but kind of gave in when it finally hit them that the only thing I got out of them was … well, free dinner. And schizophrenia. Coz throughout dinner I kept seeing a face that was not there. And heard a voice that was not anywhere near me.

I did try but … I guess there just aren't that many guys who love Buffy and Star Wars. Who are totally willing to come over at 10 pm to help you with your Geometry homework. Who hate musicals and are immensely musically talented. Who are computer geniuses. Who give you snowflake necklace for your birthday.

And who build something that will change the heart surgery forever just to prove they are worthy of you.

Kudos to you, Mia, really.

I really did try to make it work with JP. He was so good to me after … that. We went out for a few weeks but then … I realized I prefer to be alone than date just for the sake of dating. I have enough of other problems already – I am a princess and it is rather time consuming. I have a cat that I adore. I have a little brother whose only rational care taker I am. I have my… senior project to finish (I got a head start, blame me). I have great friends. I write for school's newspaper.

Really. I do not need a boyfriend.

Not if he isn't the one I want.

JP and I are just friends now. Great friends – we have so much in common. We are both writers, we both love musicals … I could love him. I can totally imagine me being with him. Well, my mind does. My heart … my heart is still too broken, still too caught up in the past.

I wish I could say I have my best friend back but … it is not as bad as it was. Lilly didn't update that website since her outburst in cafeteria that day. We do talk. You know, the 'hello', 'how are you', 'the weather sucks today', 'this class is so boring'. She is dating Kenny now (yeah … life is the strangest thing) and she seems happy. I am glad. She deserves to be.

I miss her but I guess the abyss between us is just too great. Our friendship is just too broken to be fixed. Kind of like that vase Grandmere got as a gift from some Jordan guy that I broke at Christmas while trying to catch Rommel who stole my hair brush. She threw a fit (it must have had some sentimental value to her. Because it certainly wasn't pretty. And it was most definitely fake) and despite staff's best attempts to put the vase back together, the shards ended in the trash bin.

The words said between Lilly and I and the images witnessed and the moments experienced still ache me terribly. It is not something I will ever be totally over.

Just like the thing with Michael.

He said that Sunday when he broke up with me that we should go back to what we were before we started going out – friends. So now we are – friends. And indeed things are just like before the non-denominational Winter Dance. I haven't seen him for almost a year yet … I am completely and utterly and crazily and insanely and totally in love with him. Sometimes I hear a song that is so totally us or I see something on the street that I know will make him laugh and instantly I wanna grab a phone, call him and tell him. Then I feel like throwing up when I realize he is in Japan.

And there is no 'us' anymore.

And he doesn't care anymore.

We email each other a few times per months. Every time I check my email I hold my breath, hoping there would be something from him … I am disappointed most of the time. And when there is something …Our emails are rather impersonal, more of a polite greeting, an acknowledgment of each other's existence than … well, friendly notes. Back in February we had a lengthy discussion about weather in Somalia. I totally consider myself to be an expert now.

Yes.

That's how pathetic I am. I am talking about weather in Somalia with the love of my life.

But what else should we talk about?

Lilly? Yeah … right.

School? Thank you very much, I am already living with a teacher who is super concerned about my GPA (though, I gotta give Mr G some credit – if he hadn't been so persistent in making me study I would probably have way bigger problems in Chemistry and Calculus. Actually, this has been my best school year so far. Guess which reason Grandmere found?).

Shopping with Lana? No. First of all, it's shopping, Michael is really not the kind of a guy who would be interested in new shirts I bought and what of a bargain they were (I have Sebastiano now for that). Second of all … well, it's Lana. I still haven't completely wrapped my head around this – Lana Weinberger is my friend and we often go shopping together. Oh, and Grandmere totally loves her (well …. She loves anyone who shares the love for her favorite hobby).

Speaking of Grandmere … now that I have long hair I apparently look more of a princess than ever before (even magazines agree. I was totally voted as the hottest young royal under 20 – Dad almost ended up suing the magazine – after choking on his Martini) which makes her indescribably happy. Seriously, she actually looks younger without having to have Botox injected into her face. You would think Dowager Princess Clarisse in a good mood is a blessing but honestly, I preferred when she was moody. Not that there was any love lost between her and Michael … I guess I at least still had Michael then and it made her complaining totally bearable. Now that Michael is in Japan and Grandmere mentions it every chance she gets … I'll just say that Greenpeace now gets 350 dollars every day.

My family? Right. I already complained about how dysfunctional they are when we were still an item. I don't want to come off as a whining friend. The one who is completely incapable of dealing with her own problems. Sure, he asks about my family from time to time … I say they are fine … I mean, if he wants to know anything else, he should just Google Grandmere. Her romance with a banker from Norway was well documented. Along with my appendicitis that followed the next day. I mean, really, what was my PR team thinking? I got literally thousands of Get Well Soon cards (Michael's included) after they said that was why I was unable to attend any royal events. I felt so bad! So many people worried about me when I was … well, not ill.

When in reality I was sitting in an internet café in Italy where I ran off to with Rene, Sebastiano and Harry because I was totally fed up with Grandmere's crazy schemes in order to get the Norwegian banker to fall in love with her (yes. My grandmother is the one that has sex life. Way to hit a girl when she's down). Surprisingly, I wasn't grounded for that. Dad was remarkably understanding. Probably because no paparazzi had taken any pics of Princess Amelia's road trip across Tuscany.

Princess stuff? Certainly they are way more interesting than back then when they included only dress fittings, saying 'can I get butter' in two dozen languages and knowing which fork I should use for which kind of fish. I mean, now I totally skip formal dinners from time to time and I even ran away once! Not that I am proud … though it was super fun. But I know it is wrong and it's not like I would do it over and over again, like Harry encourages me to (seriously. I thought I hated being royal … he's worse. It is totally cool to have someone who doesn't yell if you wake them up at 3 am to complain about tiaras and protocols). But I guess it doesn't hurt to put Grandmere in her place from time to time.

But still … after that badminton incident every magazine reported on 'newly sprung royal romance'. I don't want Michael to think there was any truth in that with talking about Harry in our email exchange.

His robotic arm? I do ask him about it … hmmm, I guess in pretty much every email. And the response is always pretty much the same – 'ok'. I guess it is not really going that well. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it after working on it all the time. Or he knows I would not have any clue what he's talking about if he indeed ended up talking about it so he spares me. I don't know.

Really. What else but the world news do we have to talk about? Talking about Buffy or Star Wars hurts so much … almost as much as his signature. No more 'love, Michael' like it was back then. Now it is just 'Michael'. It breaks my heart every time.

Here I am, loving him with every fiber of my being and there he is, in Japan, chatting with me about environmental changes because he feels sorry for me.

That must be it. The reason why he's still in contact with me.

This totally cracks Rene up. Don't really understand why. He keeps telling me how dense I am (I think he would totally get along well with Lilly. Shame she isn't my friend anymore and I can't hook them up. Plus, she has Kenny now). Apparently 'guys' do not talk about African weather with their 'female friends'. Yeah, like he would know. I don't think he spends enough time with any of his girlfriends to actually get their email address.

The weird thing is … Michael said that we should date other people. He said he thought expecting me to wait for him isn't fair since I am so young … even I thought so for a short time. Yet now … I do not want to date anyone else. I do want to wait. Going out with someone else would be like looking for a new cat while Louie is still kicking. You know what I mean? He thought it wouldn't be fair for me not to go on with my life. I think it is unfair to move on when … when I am still glued onto the past.

I don't know. I don't think anyone understands. Grandmere – I seriously think she wants to declare the day Michael left for Japan as Genovia's national holiday. Mum – she rolls her eyes at me every time I eat all the ice cream from the fridge. Tina – well, at least she stopped sending me out on dates but apparently accepted that my life isn't a book and she doesn't really find anything romantic in me being cooped up in my room. I actually preferred when she lived in her Tinaland. I won't even mention Lana – she keeps telling me I need to get out, into the life and get, well, laid. I do talk to Sebastiano sometimes when he using me as his model. He appears to listen and nods regularly but I doubt he gets much. Especially since every time I take a breath he asks which shade of blue I prefer. Rene, as mentioned, finds me utterly amusing (well, thank you, shame I am a princess. Otherwise I would totally go into stand-up.), while Harry … he just stares at me for a long time and tries to hide a smile. Dr K doesn't count – though even he seems to be bored with me talking about Michael. Somehow he always interrupts me with his endless tales of horses. Did you know he had a horse named Sky who wanted nothing else but to run free on the pastures but was too afraid to actually jump over the fence like the rest of Doc's horses? Yeah, I didn't either. And to be honest, I could totally live without this immensely useful information.

So, yeah, everyone around me would rather see me going into bars picking up random strangers than sitting in my room, working on my senior project and waiting for … ok, I see their point. It is totally like Waiting for Godot. If Michael and I hadn't broken up, then I would be waiting for … well, him. But since we are apart … I am waiting for … quite possibly nothing. Well, totally nothing since he doesn't care about me anymore.

Since he …

It takes him over a week to answer my emails. I know, I know, he is not in Japan on holidays and he is super busy and all … but don't you think he would be checking his email constantly, hoping I have replied (like I do) if he…? Don't you think he would be urging to write back ASAP just so that he could hear from me soon again (like I do) if he…? If he indeed still felt something for me?

But I guess taking a week to write your opinion on new panda sanctuary in China is what friends do. So I do it too. It kills me to write emails in my mind for days before actually sending them but … I do not want to look too desperate.

We are just friends now.

That's all we'll ever be.

And who should I thank for this?

None other than Princess Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo of Genovia.

I hate her so much.

To Be Continued.

Broughttoyouby::::winter.