Summary: It's Kakashi's nighttime birthday bash! And, among his drunken comrades, Naruto comes up with the idea of getting SHINO drunk! What's this? Shino can't get drunk? Shino is a drug dealer? CrackOneshot
Shino Gets Drunk
(…But not really)
Team 8 returned to Konoha from their X-Class mission to Never Never Land. Beaten, bruised, and bloody, they heaved heavily from the long walk and dangerous perils they had faced. This was, of course, with the exception of Shino, who arrived unharmed.
Kakashi and his team welcomed the four on the outskirts of Konoha.
"Welcome home, Kurenai!" The Jonin exclaimed, causing Kurenai to rise from her position of crawling and clawing the ground. "Look at my children!" Kakashi motioned his three students forward, all wearing the same clown costume (and makeup).
"Why, hello Kakashi!" Kurenai yelled, taking no notice of the clowns.
"Do you know what today is?" Kakashi asked, scratching his ass/taking out his Icha Icha from his back pocket.
"I don't believe I do!"
"It's…" Someone drum rolled. "…My birthday!" the man finished, as he leapt into the injured Kurenai's arms. She squealed in horror/delight. It was pretty hard to tell.
Meanwhile Shino (our protagonist) had taken to staring at the antics of Team 7, while his own team collapsed and turned to dust:
There was Sasuke, leaning on a nonexistent tree. He 'hn'ed constantly, probably because of the clothing forced upon him by Kakashi. Naruto stood beside him, fascinated by his own red nose. He noticed Sasuke 'hn'ing, popped the nose off, and threw it into the black afro atop the boy's head. There, it was lost and never found. Sakura seized a water gun from inside her chest and sprayed Naruto. Naruto died.
"We shall par-tay tonight!" Kakashi exclaimed, picking up Naruto, and thus resurrecting him since he has that power.
"Oh, we shall!" Kurenai yelled back. She picked up her two incapacitated students and was off hopping on roofs, while Kakashi's team disappeared in a cloud of smoke. That left Shino, standing there, totally insulted.
That night…It seemed all of Konoha was invited to Kakashi's house, which was loaded with beer, sake, vodka, and any other form of alcohol. Yes, the Jonin were sure to get wasted tonight. And since the adults would not be able to authorize and monitor, the children thought of their experiences-to-be.
"I want sake!" screamed Naruto. After taking a sip from the bottle, he was woozy. The blonde boy hiccupped constantly.
"I want beer!" Kiba took a gulp of the can. He then 'accidentally' sat on Akamaru. Akamaru whimpered and died.
"Me wants vodka-ka!" Neji shrieked, taking another bottle of the liquid and pouring it down his hair and mouth. He then went on a rampage: "You are a LOSER! You are a FAILURE! DES-TINY!!!" After Jyukening Kakashi's furniture to death, the he-she passed out.
"ALCOHOL IS YOUTHFUL!!" Lee cried, pouring a bottle of something down his spandex. He yelped with happiness.
Meanwhile, the ladies, Sasuke, and Shikamaru sighed.
"I can't believe they're doing that," Ino said, wrapping herself tighter around Sasuke's manly arm.
"I can't believe Neji's doing that," Tenten observed, receiving mischievous glances from Ino and Sakura.
"You like him," said Ino. "Him and his destiny-complex."
"Yeah, and his hair," Sakura chimed, shoving Ino off Sasuke.
Sasuke 'hn'ed, trying his best to look annoyed, but all his efforts were in vain. He couldn't take it anymore! Pushing Ino off, the boy suddenly and violently thrust Sakura into his threshold of manliness (a.k.a. his chest). He squealed and squealed, as did she, though louder, hers were muffled. Ino watched, bewildered. After about five minutes, he let go of the kunoichi. The three then took their previous positions as if nothing happened.
"This is troublesome," Shikamaru sighed.
Shino just stood there.
"Umm," Tenten said, thinking of an alternative subject other than Neji. "Shino, how's Hinata? I heard she was in the hospital."
"…" Was his response.
Everyone eyed Shino suspiciously, as he rose from the cushioned sofa, and walked into one of Kakashi's many restrooms.
"Um…"
"So."
"Hn. Hn. Hn. Hn. HN-HN-HN."
"Hey guys!" exclaimed Naruto, running over. Tipsy, his arm slung itself around Sasuke's shoulder, pushing off Sakura and Ino. He fell in the self-proclaimed avenger's lap, and gave the boy a little lap dance before commencing with his idea.
"Lap dancing is youthful!" yelled Lee in the background, igniting two kunoichi even more.
"Naruto!" Sakura and Ino shrieked in unison, as their eyes popped out of their sockets. Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, finding the whole thing a source of entertainment. Meanwhile, having taken Neji's body off to another one of Kakashi's bathrooms, Tenten was nowhere to be found.
"Sorry, sorry," Naruto said to the rabid-fan girls. Despite his apology, he did not move from the comfortable spot atop Sasuke's happy lap.
Sasuke didn't mind.
"Anyway, I have this IDEA!" The volume of the last word attracted all his comrades. Kiba, Lee, Neji, and Tenten rushed to the circle. In her little hospital room, Hinata's ears perked. Shino wasn't there because Naruto doesn't like Shino much, thus making him not a comrade.
"Let's get Shino drunk!"
Kiba's eyes glittered at the idea.
"As if we don't have enough people in that state," Shikamaru stated sarcastically.
"I've never seen Shino drunk, so how do you know it'll work?" asked the suddenly sober Neji. Tenten cursed under her breath.
"Oh yeah?" asked Naruto, coming close to the Hyuga's princess-like face.
"Yeah," Neji spat (literally) back. "And I'm always right."
The blonde boy then reached into his back pocket. He took out a dozen pictures taken by secret cameras throughout the party. All were shocked.
"I'm gonna blackmail ya!" Naruto yelled.
"You've got nothing on me!" Shikamaru yelled back.
"Or do I?" Naruto asked, grinning like mad.
"Fine," Shikamaru sighed. "We'll get a laugh out of it, I guess."
"DOBE!" Sasuke yelled, after his state of astonishment, still under the boy. He bitch-slapped Naruto several times. "And I let you sit on me!" He bitch-slapped him some more.
Facing Sasuke, Naruto whimpered.
Being vulnerable, Sasuke pat the boy's head. "Don't ever do that again, okay?" he asked, gently. Naruto nodded.
"Okayy…" said everyone.
"Can we get on with the plan?" Kiba asked, excitedly. Just imagine, Shino, drunk! Actually, he couldn't imagine. Kiba's imagination skills were quite lacking, which was why he asked so hurriedly.
"I think we need the Jonin's help for this," Shikamaru thought aloud.
"Like Gai-sensei!!!" Lee screamed, pounding on his chest.
"Oh well, they're wasted…thankfully," murmered Tenten.
"Back to the plan, I have two ideas," said Naruto. He continued quickly in case of any objections; "We either get him to do his own drugs, or we hold him down and pour beer or sake or vodka or anything else in his mouth."
"I prefer the second one!" yelled Lee. "Doing things forcefully is youthful!"
Shikamaru shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, not to agree with Lee or anything, actually it's far from it, but how would you know that Shino sells drugs?"
One of Naruto's closed eyes opened, the cerulean eyeing Shikamaru.
"I never said he sold drugs," he said.
"You didn't?" Shikamaru asked, a tear of sweat dripping down the side of his forehead.
"No, I just said he possessed drugs."
"Oh."
"Well, Shikamaru does—er, had a point," stated Sakura, though her inner self was seething with jealously from seeing Naruto on Sasuke. "We don't know if Shino possesses drugs, so plan B sounds more reasonable."
"NO!" Lee yelled. "The reasonable plan should be called plan G, for Gai-sensei! Gai-sensei is youthful and reasonable!" Everyone ignored him after hearing the G-word (Gai) spoken.
"So, plan B, is…the second?" Kiba asked.
"Well, duh," Ino scoffed, causing Kiba to cry.
At that moment, the door of the restroom nearby (the one Shino was in) opened. A strange smell filled the air. Due to his sensitive sense of smell, Kiba was nearly suffocated.
"Shino! Shino! Shino!" chanted Lee, hurling his body onto the bug-boy's face.
"…Get off…or else," Shino threatened. The drone of bees filled the air.
Lee jumped off the unseen face. "Oh, you know me! I'm drunk!" He attempted falling over like a drunken man. Of course, it didn't work.
"I highly doubt a drunken man would admit so," Shino said, ruining the mood.
"Aw, lighten up! Have a beer, or two, or three, or ONE HUNDRED!"
Those who knew of the plan wanted to strangle Lee for taking such a direct approach. Shino, as we all know, isn't a very direct person.
The bug-boy pondered for a moment. "Sure," he said. "I guess I could use several."
"Whoopee!" yelled Lee. He then 'fell' on top of Shino, who lay emotionless on the ground. "I'm holding him down by force, you guys! Pour it! Chug it! Do it!"
Sakura massaged her large forehead. That sounds so wrong, she thought.
"I don't see why you had to ask him for permission if we were going to hold him down by force," Shikamaru remarked.
"You have to remember, Lee was destined to be dumb," Neji said.
About five-dozen (60) bottles of various alcohols were taken from the Jonin's side of the house, who were long busy masturbating, screwing each other, and doing other adult things. The bottles were handed to Naruto, the mastermind of the plan, who stuffed each in Shino's mouth.
After all bottles were finished…
"I believe he is wasted!" Lee yelled, examining Shino, who seemed unconscious.
"To find out, Lee, you have to get off him," Tenten said.
Lee removed himself from Shino's body.
All watched with the intensity of a thousand suns as Shino got up. His mouth opened. Would his speech slur? Would he remove his glasses? Would he perform a happy-youthful dance? Would he strangle Lee? Would he drink more? Would he pass out? Oh, the possibilities!
"I have to go to my second job now," Shino said in his normal monotone voice. And out the door he went, leaving eight (I just noticed I forgot to put Choji in this…whoops!) very confused, very disappointed, very angry, ninja.
"NARUTO!" several yelled at the top of their lungs. Six out of the eight remaining children at Kakashi's party surged toward the boy. Sasuke and Shikamaru, the exceptions. Sasuke protected his precious dobe from the girls—including Neji—and Lee. Shikamaru sighed, standing and walking casually away.
"I'm going to the bathroom…don't look for me," said Shikamaru, as he walked out the front door. Since all were busy fighting/protecting Naruto, no one noticed this.
Somewhere (in a dark alley)…"Igotsomedrugs!" murmered one of those nighttime drug sellers. "Yougotsomemon-eh? Igotsomedrugs!" This continued for some time, the drug seller person bouncing from side to side as he spoke.
"Hey," said a familiar voice.
The drug seller person turned toward this voice, revealing the holder of this voice to be…Shikamaru!
"Yougotsomemon-eh? Igotsomedruuugs," said the hooded figure. He stepped closer to Shikamaru. The two then commenced in what seemed to be a drug addict's secret handshake (to confirm identities): They shook hands, backslapped each other, bitch slapped each other, made out, and did other things.
"So it be you, Shikamaru," the drug dealer said.
"Uh huh. You got the junk?" Shikamaru asked, eyeing the empty streets of Konoha suspiciously.
"Yeah. Dis' new junk be da shit!" the low voice exclaimed, handing over a large bag to the Chunin.
"Thanks," said Shikamaru, turning to run away. "I'll see you later…Shino?"
(Oh my God! The drug dealer is) Shino nodded. "Sure," he said.
THE END (?)
This spurred from my thought of Shino being a drug dealer. I mean, what's up with the getup? Oh, and what Shino says later (I got some drugs? You got some mon-eh?) is from one of the videos I watched on
Anyway, this is my first-ever crack fic. I hope you enjoyed it (if you did, feel free to review!)
-Taxi.