Paul is amazing. Paul is perfect. Paul would always love and take care of me. Paul is my protector. As I lay on the wool rug in my living room - a pool of blood spreading out from my sides all I could think of was how? How did this all happen? And why, why did I choose this uncomfortable wool rug? It always looked beautiful and felt nice underfoot, but to have the light bristles sticking into the side of my face, poking me like the thorns on a cactus, I came to hate my choice in decoration.
Then I realized that all I could do was feel. Feel pain. The pain of the rug against my face, the pain of the gaping hole my side, the pain of my heart breaking. I would never see him again, be held by him again, think of him again. The thought of never seeing his face again brought waves of pain throughout my entire body. I think a sob escaped my mouth, but I couldn't be sure. I was in complete darkness. Was this it? Was I leaving the earth and going somewhere else? If so, where was I going – and worse – what would I do without him there? All of a sudden, in the darkness, I could hear him. It was as if he was whispering in my ear. I loved the feel of his breath on my face. It was if he were running his warm fingers down my cheek. I closed my eyes tightly trying to hold on to that feeling, this moment. Wherever I was going, I never wanted to forget that touch. His touch. It was kind, gentle, and warm. Everything he had proved himself to be to me. I loved him. I loved him so much, possibly even more than I could ever tell him. I would never have the chance to now. I tried to concentrate on his voice…that voice. I listened appreciating every syllable I could make out. His voice was my comfort. So many nights he held me, assuring me that everything would be alright, that it would all work out in the end. And yet, here we were. He didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve this, we did not deserve this.
As time passed one excruciating second after another, I realized he was not whispering in my ear. He was begging me, pleading with me, screaming at me to come back to him. Every phrase he yelled was more urgent than the one before. I didn't want to leave him. I screamed at him that I was there, that I wanted to be with him, spend the rest of my life with him, love him for eternity, but nothing came out. It was then that I felt a thick wetness touch my inner arms. It passed through the bristles of the rug and came out to wet the other side of my arms. My limp, cold arms. Could I really have this much blood in me? I was so conflicted in that moment. I was in so much pain and I wanted it all to end swiftly, but not if I had to be without him. I felt selfish in my thoughts. I couldn't imagine what it would do to him to lose me.
Just when I thought the pain couldn't get any worse, I felt pressure, immense pressure against my side. It was as if there were a pile of bricks being driven into my back. Once again, I felt as though a sob escaped my lips. Before I could question if it was actually heard, I heard his voice again, this time jubilant and excited.
"She's alive!, She's alive!", he screamed. If I were capable at the moment, I would have automatically smiled at the excitement in his voice. I love that voice. I love this man. I love everything about him. I was taken away from his voice again by a sharp stabbing in my arm. One sharp stab after another. I couldn't keep conscious any longer. As much as I longed to hear that voice and see his face again, I couldn't hold on. Not when the pain was this great…not when with each stab of pain I kept getting pulled under further. I had to give in…I hoped he would understand…I hoped he would forgive me…I hoped he knew how much I loved him.
As if he could read my thoughts, he got very close to my ear pressing his cheek next to mine.
"I love you, I love you very much Allie. It's all going to be okay. You are going to be okay. You are going to come back to me and everything will be perfect again.", he whispered, his sweet, hot breath caressing the side of my neck.
I held onto his tender words as I fought to stay conscious. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust those words so desperately. I wanted to believe that it would be possible to erase this, that we could go back to the way things were, but how? How could things ever be perfect with us again?
Paul is amazing. Paul is perfect. Paul would always love and take care of me. Paul is my protector. At least that is what I thought a few weeks ago.
Finally, I could no longer fight. My body was completely devoid of any energy, of any life. I had to let go. Let go of him, let go of us. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
"I love you too Jacob", I thought as I let the darkness overtake me. "I love you with my entire soul."