SIMPLICITY
By Kayla, April 2000
In the end it was so simple, of all the scenes, all the conversations, all the arguments that played out in my mind, this was the one I never imagined.......
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It started on New Earth. We were colleagues before that, close in the way that people who work side by side are close, but never friends, never companions. That's not to say that there was no attraction there. There was, at least on my part. I was drawn to Kathryn Janeway the first moment I laid eyes on her. She's a beautiful woman, powerful and commanding yet feminine and caring. In different circumstances, I would have tried to get closer to her but we were captain and first officer. We had a job to do, a crew to lead, a ship to run and a goal to achieve. We were going to get Voyager home. There was no time or thought for anything else.
Then one day everything changed. Suddenly we weren't captain and first officer any more. We were Kathryn and Chakotay and we were home. Only home wasn't Earth it was New Earth and we had no friends, no family, no ship and no crew. All we had were a Starfleet issue shelter, a bathtub, a visiting monkey and each other. And I knew I didn't need any more than that. I didn't need anything as long as Kathryn was with me.
But for Kathryn it was different. She struggled to find peace in our new life. She felt she had failed her crew by not being there to lead them home. But in the end she had no choice but to accept that this was our life now. We had a new road to travel, a new home to build and we needed to chart new territory in our exploration of each other.
It was a slow journey. Each day we learned a little more, another like, another dislike, another memory, another step closer. And we became friends. I told her about my home and my ancestors, of my feelings toward the Cardassians and why I joined the Maquis. She talked about her childhood and her father, about Justin and Mark. I spoke of an ancient legend, the tale of an angry warrior. She caught the veiled meaning in my words and we held each other. It was just a touch of clasped hands but I felt her strength and she knew my weakness.
The days passed and we grew closer. We learned to read each other's moods, when to be close and when to walk away. And we came to love and support each other in the way that best friends do. In time I think we would have been more than friends but we never got the chance to find out.
Voyager returned and once again we found ourselves captain and first officer leading our crew on a journey that no longer seemed quite so important, to a goal that seemed even further away.
We remained friends but nothing more than that. The pressures of command strained our close ties almost to breaking point. We would argue, test each other's loyalty, turn our back on the person we needed the most but in the end we always found each other again and emerged from the darkness a little stronger and a little more a part of each other.
I loved Kathryn as more than my best friend and I'd known that since New Earth. Sometimes I would catch her looking at me and think I saw the same longing in her eyes but I wouldn't let myself hope for more than we already had. I told myself that if I tried to move beyond friendship I would lose her, that she would never allow herself to become involved with a member of her crew. She would tell me that Starfleet wouldn't approve, that protocol wouldn't allow it, that there was some regulation that prevented it. I didn't want to hear her turn me away. I didn't want to risk our friendship and so I never asked for anything more.
I was afraid, and paralysed by my fear I watched the Kathryn I loved start to slip away. Week by week, month by month there were fewer smiles, fewer quiet moments of comfortable companionship. There was a little less laughter and a little less Kathryn.
By the time we met the Equinox the Kathryn I knew had vanished and in her place was a stranger. A woman driven by guilt and the desire for revenge into a course of action that came close to destroying Voyager and almost cost the captain the loyalty of her crew.
And it was my fault. I had turned my back on my captain, my friend and the woman I loved and I had almost lost them all.
That's when I knew that I had to reach out. I needed to tell her that I loved her, that I needed her, that I wanted her with me in every way and that I would do whatever it took to reclaim my Kathryn. I would show her that we could be friends and lovers as well as captain and first officer. And so when she quietly left the mess hall, after bringing the croutons she had promised to accompany my salad, I followed her and found her in her ready room gazing out at the stars.
She didn't turn when I asked her why she had left the party.
''The crew doesn't need me there as a reminder of what I almost cost them".
I joined her on the upper level, standing behind her and watching the reflection of her eyes in the window.
"You're only human Kathryn. They understand and they will forgive you. It just needs time"
"Time that we almost didn't have"
"Perhaps, but that's a chance we take every day out here. There will always be some risk, some threat. We all make mistakes, errors of judgement, let our personal feelings and prejudices overcome our good sense. You're no different from anyone else and no-one expects you to be. You have to learn to let go. You can't always be "The Captain". Let the crew see Kathryn. Let them see your frailty as well as your strength. If they understand the woman they will be more forgiving of the captain."
She turned and looked at me.
"And you Chakotay? You know me better than anyone on this ship. Do you understand me? Can you forgive me?"
"Sometimes I think I don't know you at all and I don't think I'll ever understand you. But Kathryn, you never need to ask if I'll forgive you because I always will."
Her eyes filled with tears and I watched one spill over and roll down her cheek. Reminded of another time and another place I raised a hand and slowly she lifted hers to meet it. Our fingers locked and I drew her toward me. Holding her close I could feel her tears soaking the front of my shirt.
"Kathryn, I love you and I need you. I want you beside me as my captain, as my friend and as my lover. I want you with me for all my life, in every part of my life. Walk with me Kathryn and we'll find a way to make it work. Just let me love you."
She pulled away and I knew that this was it. This was the moment when the walls would come up and I would lose her behind them for good. But instead she looked into my eyes, laid a hand on my chest and spoke the one simple sentence that changed our lives forever.
"All you ever had to do was ask."