a.n. Warning. May contain random acts of stupidity.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Why is this couple so random? Click on my profile (wayyyy up there) and you will see. That's all. Hopefully you can make it to the end where you will meet me with yet another a.n. Whoopiededo.
-Jamesworth
Upside Down and Inside Out
It was very odd. Harry had been receiving many love notes every night signed by a mysterious Mr. Voldy. Oh, the pain! How Harry wanted to know who this Mr. Voldy was! Why did he sound so familiar? Why did he care so much? Why was it a Mr.!
Some love notes would sound like so:
Harry, ooohhh Harry,
Why do you only stay there-y?
Why not come hither to me?
Why is it my love you do not see?
Or
I love every bit of you.
From your toes to your scar.
When I see you, I turn to goo.
Why do you not love me? GAR!
Or of course the latest note resting innocently on his pillow the past evening.
Please Harry come meet me in the forest.
I have awaited the day to call you dearest.
I will wait for you and you alone.
I will even buy you an ice cream cone.
Harry stared blankly at this note. Should he go? A part of his brain defied the natural laws of science and slapped him across the face. Of course he should! He wanted to meet this so called "Mr. Voldy" since the first day of the letters many years ago! Not to mention the ice cream cone!
He rushed out the front doors and promptly crashed into Hermione and Ron who were coming in from Hagrid's hut. Harry hadn't been there because well, he had been eagerly sitting in his dorm rereading and rereading the note from Mr. Voldy. He pushed past his dearest friends and ran to the forest.
Ron started at the paper lying on the ground before his common sense came over and he picked up the note and read it. "Oh my gosh. Harry has a secret admirer named Mr. Voldy! Har har. I bet he's going to meet him right not in the forbidden forest."
Hermione gaped openly. Did Ron have any idea what he was talking about! "Let me see that. Oh no! Mr. Voldy could only be Voldemort! Ron! Ron! VOLDEMORT WANTS TO KILL HARRY! AND EATTTT HIM!
"Harry! Don't go in there; You-Know-Who is in full power!" His face was twisted in such pure horror that Hermione would have laughed if not for the life-threatening situation.
"Honestly Ron. I don't know who you're talking about."
"Hermione! Of course you know who! What other You-Know-Who is there!" Ron made no reaction to her sudden change in attitude.
"Oh for Goodness sake Ron. Just say his name and stop being such a baby or I'll shun you forever."
"Nooooooooooooo! Fine. Vol-vol-vol-vol…" Ron moved his lips idiotically, trying to say a word he never muttered in the entire of his existence. He tried again. "Vol- voldeeee- voldeeeeemorrrrrrt!" He smiled triumphantly, now Hermione had to date him and love him forever so they may someday get married and live happily ever after.
"Ugh Ron you moron!" Ron snapped his head toward her with such speed it gave him whiplash. That was definitely not the reaction he was expecting. "While you were trying to form the word Vol-de-mort, Harry escaped into the forest! Where the very same Vol-de-mort wants to kill him. AND EAT HIS FLESH! HIS FLESH I TELL YOU!"
"Harry? You mean that Harry?" He pointed at his best friend's retreating back. "Don't worry about him. I was just trying to stop him but it really doesn't matter if he goes anyway. You-Kn… Voldddddemoooort isn't going to kill him."
Hermione once again gaped openly. "And why wasn't I informed of this earlier? And how do you know?"
"Cuz! He told me so!" Ron smiled proudly whilst jerking his thumbs to point to himself.
"Oh God. I hope this world will be okay after this. Boys! Honestly!"
"Don't worry so much Hermione! I'll always love you forever and date you and marry you someday and live happily ever after!" Ron shouted at her retreating back, completely unaware that he was voicing his own thoughts from a few moments earlier.
"Oh shut up, you arse."
----
Harry raced into the forest, ignoring the desperate shouts of his loving and dear friends. Tears dripped down his face. 'I hope they aren't worrying about me too much!' Suddenly an ominous darkness clouded over him.
"Haaaryyyyy. I neeed you! I waaaant you!" Harry jumped that the spooky voice and yelped when Voldemort materialized in front of him. "Well, well, well. If it isn't ickle Harry Potter." He inserted many evil crackles into the story.
"Voldemort! What are you doing here? Leave me alone, I'm meeting the love of my life!" Harry shouted confusedly.
"Harry. Harry. Harry." Voldemort looked unfazed by the fact that he was repeating everything 3 times. "How can you look so brilliant but be to bloody blind? Mr. Voldy? Voldemort? Any connection?"
"Hey! I never told you who I was meeting- " Harry gasped "-unless!"
Voldemort crackled. "Yessssssss."
"Unless Mr. Voldy sent you love notes too! No! I thought I was in love! I thought I was going to find true happiness for once in my miserable life!" Harry went on a rampage in which he crashed into many trees and stabbed himself multiple times with pointy sticks.
Voldemort slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand which was connected to the long fingers everyone loved so much and kept talking about. Okay that made no sense whatsoever. But moving on… "No you buffoon! I am Mr. Voldy! Mr. Voldy is me! Mr. Voldy is I! me! I!" Unfortunately, grammar did not seem to be one of the more important subjects in Hogwarts. "I am sorry but I will have to kill you now." Voldemort raised his wand and prepared himself to shout the curse.
Harry was now on his knees in shock after hearing who the real Mr. Voldy was. "But- I thought you loved me. I thought we could find something special together." Harry breathed these words like they were his last, which by the way things were going, probably were.
"Oh. Harry. You don't understand! You don't understand! You don't understand!" Voldemort breathed. "Of course I love you! But what would that whole world say? Who could deny for irresistible scar that I gave you!"
"Them let them talk. Let us be together and run away from society and become wild cavemen! You will always have each other! Each night will be like a sleepover where we can play truth or dare or watch chick flicks!"
"Yes! You are correct, my dear! Let us run!" Voldemort bent down whispered. "But first you must finish your education so we may be smart cavemen!"
"Right as usual, my love! But my knees are so weak right now. How will I ever get back to my dorm room?" Harry looked despondently on the floor on which he was currently sitting.
"That is alright. Your Mr. Voldy always has a plan! Malfoy!" Draco came out from between the trees with tears running down his face at such a touching exchange.
"Yes, Master?"
"You know what to do."
"Yes Master."
Malfoy hauled the fallen boy upright and slung Harry's arm over his shoulder and began the painful process of bring him up to Hogwarts.
------
"Hermione? Doesn't it feel like we forgot something?" Ron asked while moving his knight.
"Hm. Not really. Just hurry up with your turn. I don't want to play wizard's chess forever you know."
Suddenly the door burst open and Malfoy came in with Harry over his shoulder. "Guys. I'm.. in love!" Harry shouted dreamily while eating the ice cream cone Malfoy had handed him on the way up the stairs.
Hermione's eyes bulged out awkwardly while Ron's promptly fell to the floor. "With him!" Ron shouted with a rude gesture toward Malfoy.
"Of course not you twit! With my Mr. Voldy of course. Hee-Hee."
"Oh. Okay."
a.n. Yeah. I know what you're thinking. But it was funny though right? Kinda sorta?
Please review! To either tell me what an excellent comedian I am (harhar yes, I know) or to tell me if this story burned out your eyes and stabbed you in the brain. I won't laugh at your pain. I promise. P.S. Go read the story by Samsworth. We are sharing this account. :)