A/N Warning: The original song contains mature topics.

This parody was composed during our production of Les Miserables. It is based on the slightly cut version of "Lovely Ladies," which takes out Fantine's first round of bargaining. The song expresses our general admiration for the guys who had to play the convicts in the beginning, especially the techies who put on all the pancake and costumes just to fill out the ranks of the first act. The name Tyler is not the original name; it was picked at random, no offense meant to any Tylers. Enjoy!

LOVELY CONVICTS

I smell convicts, smell 'em in the air,

They go nearly shirtless and you can see their chest hair.

Lovely convicts! Opening the act

Working in the chain gang gets their muscles really jacked

No wonder the audience is packed!

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Hey, look, a man!

We need more men in this show -- pronounced as in Ed Sullivan's "shew," this rhymes.

What luck we've got!

Hey, props man, you can act, too.

I think you're hot!

-----Don't touch me, leave me alone!

Let's make a deal,

We'll make it just for one act.

Just for one act

-----Oh, what the hell

Just for one act

----What do I do?

----Oh, what the hell

----I'm not busy; I might as well.

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Lovely convicts, learning their scene right

Think they look good now? Just wait until it's op'ning night

Lovely convicts! If only they knew

Convicts must wear ripped shirts, and they have to wear chains, too

When they find out, let's hope they don't sue!

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Give me the dirt, who's that kid over there?

-----He's a tech kid, and he does facial hair

-----It's quite a job, but he's free for scene one,

Get him to join us, just tell him it's fun.

Hey, there, techie, come along and join us,

Hey, there, techie!

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Come on, Tyler, why all the fuss?

Act just this scene, like the rest of us.

Who cares for stage fright? Have your moment of fame.

It's not that bad. We have all done the same.

That's right, techie, it'll be worth your pains

That's right, techie, oh, and here's your chains.

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In the spotlight, men look really pale

So we've got to swab their chests down with the "Medium Male"

Come on, convict, let me swab your chest

Best part of the play is when the men all get undressed

Show me what you've got beneath that vest!