Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. The original character of Evelyn Winchester does.
So, one of the only good things about being sick with the flu is plenty of time to work on things like this. I wasn't really planning on making Evy into a series, but it seems to have taken on a life of it's own. I am slowly getting better, and will have to go back to work and school soon, so while I may not be able to post stories as fast as I've done this week, I am planning to start doing more.
This isn't really a sequel or prequel to my story Sensitive Souls, but written in the middle of the main story. It's a little different from the other stories. This is a letter, written from John to Evy, explaining his reasoning behind some of the things he's done to her and the way he's treated her. As always, enjoy!
When I woke up this morning, for a split second, I went to check on you. I had stepped out of the bed before I realized that you weren't there. My heart shattered again, but after taking a minute to collect my emotions, I walked out into the kitchen. Dean was there, eating some breakfast, which he offered to me. I say a silent prayer of thanks that Dean doesn't bug me again about calling you. I told him seventeen months earlier, a month after you left with your brother to start a new life, that I wasn't angry with you anymore. I don't think he believes me, but at least he's stopped asking.
The truth is, little one, I was never angry with you about leaving. I know, because of how I reacted that day, that you may not believe that. But I wasn't angry, little one. Did it hurt me to let you go? Absolutely. It hurt me more than anything else in the world. But it hurt me because I knew it was my own fault. It was my own fault you were pulling away from me and it was too late to do anything about it. I saw the writing on the wall years earlier, the night I told you the truth about the supernatural. We had never exactly been close, but after that night, everything fell apart. I don't think it was on purpose, but you never sought me out again for a hug, or for comfort, or attention. You would go to Sam most often or maybe Dean. And I couldn't blame you.
Little one, I am so sorry. Sorry that I never told you that you that you meant the world to me. Sorry that I got so wrapped up in hunting that I shoved you to the side. Sorry for every time that I ever hurt you. I still remember the devastated look on your face when I left Squish behind. I heard you crying later that night, and I wanted to comfort you, but I was afraid you wouldn't accept it. And I couldn't risk having to see you outright reject me.
Which was the reason that I handled it so badly when you finally did ask me to go live with Sam. When I sent you to your room after you asked me, I didn't do that because I was angry at you. I was angry at myself. I wanted to take a few minutes to think about what you were asking, but I was thinking at that point of letting you go. Thankfully, Sam stood up to me and made sure that I did. I'll most likely never admit this to him, but I'm glad that he did. If he hadn't, I might have backed out because of pure selfishness. I also saw that look on your face when I pushed you aside as I was leaving. I didn't do that to hurt you, honey, although I know it did. I did it so you wouldn't see the tears that were starting in my own eyes. I was afraid if you did see them you would change your mind.
What you don't know is what I spent that hour away from the house doing. I spent it in the pickup crying. I pulled over to the side of an abandoned road and bawled my eyes out. I felt like a complete failure. I had lost Mary, your mom, then Sam, and now, finally, you. I was, and still am, heartbroken. I know it doesn't feel like it at times, sweetie, but I do love you. I love you so much. There's times I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to call you my kid. You're so sweet, kind, and loving. You remind me a lot of your mom. I wish you could've known her. Things would have been different if she had lived. Better. The year that your mom was in my life, and in the lives of your brothers, was the happiest one we'd had since Mary had died.
But things are better for you. I know you don't know, but I've been by to see you and Sam. I'm on my way down there now. I told Dean I was taking a hunt by myself for a few days, but I didn't. I've been by to see you a few times. I didn't approach you, just watched you and Sam. I've never seen you smile so much. I've seen you and Sam a few times with a girl. I haven't caught her name, but she's obviously Sam's girlfriend. You and her seem to be very close. I hope all of you are happy and stay happy. I'm glad you both have people in your life.
I'm gonna go now, sweetheart. I don't really know what made me write this letter to you, especially since I doubt you'll ever read it. But I hope you realize one day how much I truly, truly love you. Goodbye, baby.
Much Love,
Daddy