You're Only Daini Rate
A Jackie Chan Adventures Fanfiction
Written by Olmo in April 2016
Hello everyone. I'm happy to announce that the fledgling storyteller in me has been properly inspired after all these months. My educational responsibilities have eaten my time and energy, but now I have no excuse to neglect my inspirations.
When out of curiosity I watched in Youtube the video about a work of the DeviantArt user unoservix, "Trixie - You're Only Second Rate", I regained my interest in the original song: the infamous "You're Only Second Rate" sung by Jafar in The Return of Jafar. That song is one of my favorite Disney villain songs. Then it occurred to me that perhaps it could be applied to one of my favorite JCA villains: the also sophisticated and witty Tarakudo. But for whom he would sing that? As tempting as it is for me to make him humiliate several specific characters in a crossover, that would be too big of a project for me at this point. Then I decided that I'd have him humiliate the crazy awesome Monkey King. I think the lyrics are excellent to be used against him.
"Daini" means "second" in Japanese. I wanted some originality to the title and have the Oni King speak some Japanese like the daimyō he is by all means. Also, Tarakudo's lines will we bolded and the Monkey King's lines will be italicized. When Tarakudo eventually sings, the lyrics will be both bolded and italicized.
Jackie Chan Adventures, Aladdin and everything related to them belong to their respective owners.
And now… it's time to exit the dressing room … AND RAISE THE STAGE CURTAINS! (The credit for this line goes to what Piemon says in the Japanese version of the 40th episode in Digimon Adventure.)
The Monkey King was giddy like the uninhibited guenon he was. Ever since he had been turned into a puppet again – courtesy of a certain mummy of a wizard –, he had rampaged around in his ethereal prison and repeated his old antics again and again in order to pass time. His latest captivity had lasted many months, but he had lost his count on time during one of his previous imprisonments, so it might as well have been years as far as he was concerned.
But at that moment, the prankster was giddy for a certain reason unrelated to his psychotic personality: he was ready to put to use the way out of this predicament. Several weeks – or longer, he couldn't tell or care – earlier, he had heard faint whispers from the outer side of his wood-coated container. That worn out salamander had been speaking to whom the Monkey King presumed to be the backstabbing pucelle and/or the salo of a grunt. They couldn't seriously be dense enough to keep his puppet form anywhere near them?!
The dinosaur had been speaking about the hackneyed concept of astral projection. Normally the Monkey King would have made loud raspberries in order to shut his ears from the boring lecture, but a certain line had caught his interest: astral plains had different levels that could touch different physical levels. The trickster monkey had gained a lightbulb on something he had never before considered in his centuries-lasting life: a spiritual scheme. He would reach one of these astral levels and find a way out of this dummy. Then he would find his way to the physical realm and get back his fun – along with some revenge of course.
***Much later***
The Monkey King drifted through the astral level he had reached after so much incensing effort (but what that effort consisted of is another story entirely), searching for some indication of an astral (and metaphorical) wormhole that would lead back to the physical realm. While he had been delighted to experience that one could do anything with the will of their mind out here – like changing one's appearance or making things appear out of thin air –, his impatience was getting too much to bear.
"Argh, what's with all of this maze of a realm? I am supposed to be the agent of chaos!" The Monkey King ranted to himself.
"Oh, really? It's not credible to extol oneself without proof, wouldn't you agree?"
"You may be right… Hey, who's putting words into my mouth?!" The Monkey King flipped himself in the (metaphorical) air in search of the source of the voice he didn't recognize.
"First off, stripling, my intention was not to put anything into your mouth. Secondly, I'm right behind you."
The Monkey King flipped again and in his vision appeared a face with red skin, white hair and amber eyes. A face that happened to be upside down.
"What, does this astral turf host a face that looks like a squashed tomato and has grown bushy white stubs?"
The face frowned slightly in response.
"As much as I'm tempted to educate you on how to properly address your elder and how to speak about a finely handled mustache, I'll let that slip for now. I am Tarakudo, Lord of all Oni and King of the Shadowkhan."
The Monkey King blew a raspberry in response, looking disinterested.
"Yeah, yeah. And I am the harlequin of monkeys, such an unpleasure to meet you."
"I know who you are, thank you very much. I must say that to meet you in person is actually a rather… (The Oni King had a thoughtful look on his face, but suddenly it turned into a grimace.) …disappointing experience. How is it that such a monkey child is confused with the trickster hero Sun Wukong is beyond me."
At hearing this, the Monkey King flipped himself to leer at the Oni King from the proper angle.
"Don't you dare compare me to that wannabe, geezer! He's not wild enough to show his love of chaos at its full might!"
"Well yes, you always WERE such a charming Robin Hood." The Oni King responded in a sarcastic tone without flinching, emphasizing on the word "were".
The Monkey King's left eye twitched slightly. "Were?" he parroted in a low voice. Then suddenly, in the (metaphorical) air above them, appeared a giant jar of bitter jam, summoned by the Monkey King's will. Just as suddenly, it turned over and poured its contents over Tarakudo. The Monkey King darted out of the way just in time, cackling maniacally at the sight of the geezer being covered by the jam. He then started bragging smugly.
"No-one insults the king of laughter and gets away with it! I'm going to get my freedom and my revenge on the Colony Chan, and some out of date flying face won't hinder me! I'm the winner here, old man, SO WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!"
At first, the monkey's rant was met with silence. Then a faint chuckle was heard coming from within the mass of jam. Suddenly it exploded all over, revealing the unharmed Oni King. He had a calm look on his face, but his eyes glinted intently at the dumbfounded Monkey King. With a slight smirk, he said lowly and confidently: "Why, I have reason to believe that's ME."
"Wha…" The Monkey King couldn't even begin his question when a loud tune started playing. And then the Shadowkhan King began to sing with an audible voice.
(Author's note: this would be a good point to start playing the instrumental version of "You're Only Second Rate".)
"I MUST ADMIT: YOUR PARLOR TRICKS ARE AMUSING."
Tarakudo used his mind to turn the Monkey King into a stage magician, much to the prankster's astonishment.
"I BET YOU'VE GOT A BUNNY UNDER YOUR HAT!"
A bunny did appear out of the Monkey King's top hat and bit him on the nose. As he let out a monkey scream, a puff of smoke exploded and Tarakudo appeared out of it, telepathically shuffling a deck of cards.
"NOW HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO GET THE BEST OF ME; HOPE YOUR PAW IS HOT."
The Oni King shoved the cards right in front of the Monkey King's face. Together they formed a mosaic that depicted the prankster in a jester's suit.
"COME ON, CLOWN; LET US SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!"
Smirking, the Monkey King conjured a scythe and with it tried to slice Tarakudo like a pumpkin, but the blade just went through the unimpressed intangible face.
"YOU TRY TO SLICE ME WITH YOUR SHARPEST STICK; YET YOUR EFFORT'S NOT QUITE ENOUGH TO TICK.
The Oni King invaded the Monkey King's personal space…
"I'LL SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT…"
… and promptly conjured a pepper shaker that poured its contents all over the Monkey King.
"… AND TELL AT ANY RATE…"
The Monkey King let out a loud sneeze that caused him to kneel before the reveling Oni King.
"… YOU'RE ONLY DAINI RATE!"
The Monkey King jumped back, turned his attire into a gi and made a flying kick at the Oni King's face with a hiya. Tarakudo conjured a brick wall between them.
"YOU THINK YOU'RE A SHUJIN…" (Note: "shujin" means "master" in Japanese.)
The Monkey King kicked the wall, but managed only to hurt his foot, making him whimper.
"… BUT YOUR KUNG FU IS SUCKING."
The prankster landed on a tatami.
"YOU HAVE MORE TO LEARN ABOUT PROPER KICKING."
A little toe of a large foot pinched the Monkey King's tookus, making him yelp.
"SO FOR YOUR EDUCATION, I'LL REITERATE:…"
A large book shoved itself right in front of the Monkey King's eyes, and the next words sounded like they were yelled by the book itself.
"… YOU'RE ONLY DAINI RATE!"
A butterfly appeared and flied around the stunned by the sound Monkey King.
"FOOLS BELITTLE, THE NIBBLE, OF MY FANGS."
The butterfly's face enlarged itself and revealed itself to be Tarakudo's face. He roared at the Monkey King's face, making him retreat in slight fright.
"MY BITE CAN ROB ANY-ONE OF THEIR TANGS."
Smoke covered Tarakudo and he emerged from it in his physical form, towering contemptuously over the Monkey King.
"BUT IF YOU'RE NOT CONVINCED THAT I'M UNBEATEABLE, PUT ME TO THE TEST!"
The Oni King placed his foot on the Monkey King's chest.
"I'D LOVE TO LAY THIS ARGUMENT TO REST."
The Monkey King's eyes turned mad with rage. He screamed like a maniac monkey he was, took a hold of Tarakudo's clothes and swarmed over him. But Tarakudo remained as calm as ever.
"GO AHEAD AND CAPITALIZE YOUR DELUSIONS."
The Monkey King shoved the Oni into a coffin and shut the cover furiously.
"SEAL ME IN A COFFIN AND READ THE VALEDICTIONS."
As the Monkey King panted, the coffin trembled and its cover was kicked away.
"I'LL ESCAPE THAT FATE."
Tarakudo conjured a bowl of sake into his hand.
"IT WON'T BE MUCH TO SATE."
The Oni King took a sip from his sake, after which the liquid turned into a black geyser of Shadowkhan.
"YOU'RE ONLY DAINI RATE!"
While the Monkey King was getting exhausted, he wasn't going to relent. He conjured a shotgun and aimed it towards the Oni King.
"YOU KNOW, YOUR HOCUS-POCUS ISN'T QUITE ENOUGH…"
The Monkey King pulled the trigger, but the barrel unleashed only a small water spray.
"… TO GIVE YOUR MUMBO-JUMBO A MEASURE UP. "
Tarakudo raised his hands towards the Monkey King and looked like he was concentrating.
"LET ME PONTIFICATE UPON YOUR SORRY STATE:…"
Two Ninja Shadowkhan emerged before Tarakudo, and they darted towards the Monkey King.
"… YOU'RE ONLY DAINI RATE!"
The Monkey King attempted to run and put some distance between him and the Shadowkhan, but Tarakudo appeared before him.
"ZABA-CABA-DABRA!"
The Monkey King jumped over Tarakudo, but the Oni King grabbed his tail.
"GRANDPA'S GONNA GRAB YA!"
The Oni King lifted the struggling Monkey King over his head.
"ALAKAZAM-DA-MUS; AND THIS CONFLICT'S BIGGER THAN EITHER OF US!"
Tarakudo threw the Monkey King into the iron grips of the Shadowkhan.
"SO SPARE ME YOUR CROCODILE TEARS: YOUR MONKEY SHRIEKS MERELY HURT MY EARS!"
Tarakudo covered his ears while the Monkey King protested and struggled as he felt how the Shadowkhan began to drag him with them into a shadow that shouldn't have existed in this astral level.
"AND I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO PUT YOU UP TO DATE!"
"I'M SHIPPING YOU BACK TO YOUR PRISON CRATE!"
"YOU'D HAD MADE A BETTER CAREER WITH A SPINNING PLATE!"
"YOU'RE ONLY DAINI RATE!"
As the music ceased, the Monkey King disappeared into a shadow, on his way to be returned to his wooden prison.
"Ahh." Tarakudo stretched. "That was invigorating." It was indeed such a pleasure to put that monkeying buffoon to his place. He didn't need that maniac running amok and drawing attention as he returned to the physical realm incognito and released his Generals and Shadowkhan armies under the nose of the Chan Clan. He would ensure the Shadowkhan would prevent any new attempts from the monkey's part to appear and mix the concoction too much.
"Time to put this behind me though. My work on the cosmic scale of things is far from over."
THE END
There you got it.
I must admit that the conversation was a bit flawed, but my main point was the song.
Please review and criticize, dear readers.