Rotten Sea
Dedicated to Kelly-kun. She picked the song and the anime, so this is for her.
Disclaimer Poem:
Roses are read,
violets are blue.
If you bring up copyright infringement,
i'll sue you too.
(Only in America. XD)
Warnings: Very vague. Fit in characters where you see fit, but i know i had certain ones in mind when i wrote it. i'll tell you who at the end.
Author's notes: The lyrics are from the song "fukai"—Japanese for "The Rotten Sea"—by Dir en grey. Yes, they are a Japanese band. But i used lyrics translated into English, so...yeah.
Enjoy. It's angst, i know...but you can still enjoy it, can't you?
Bobbing up and down on the swelling rotten sea.
The swelling rotten sea heaves emptilly...see
how the heart is thrown into dismay by the swelling rotten love.
The swelling rotten love only makes the pain worse.
A twinkle of light sitting alone in the wide open sky pulls my attention away from the water. Or, rather, from where the water ought to be. In its stead is a sea of bones and pieces of flesh, rotten and swollen with age and decomposition. How akin these remains now seem to this shattered heart of mine, to this piece of flesh turned into a metaphor for the center of feelings. It beats quickly and slowly, in time to the throbbing of that core of emotions, which is so horribly broken.
This sea of emotions, of pain and betrayal, rotting and cold and burning hot all at once, thrashes within me, ripping at my innards and tearing apart my body, destroying my virtue and my purity, enhancing my sins and my fears. It swells and recedes, it heaves and swallows, devouring my mind and leaving me with nothing. I wait for eternity for it to regurgitate it, only to find my patience is not rewarded. It leaves nothing of what it's taken, do you see? It's utterly empty.
All that remains of what was stolen from me is this rotten love. My heart drowns in it, potent as it continues to be within me. My heart sighs and weeps and swoons and mourns, taking solace in the existence of these feelings, yet knowing it will only lead to dismay, knowing that as this love rots and swells, it only leaves more pain.
the deep deep deep wounds cry cry cried
the flower that blooms blooms bloomed all over in winter
covering all in bloodred.
The wounds that pierced my fragile heart linger ever longer, holding true to their purpose: to cause pain. They grow deeper and deeper as the flesh decays, weeping with blood and tears and mucus. They pour their life and being into sinking further into me, sinking into this heart of mine and ripping more and more of me away, leaving me incomplete and hollow.
The cold is creeping up on my fingers and toes, taking hold more quickly with the snow of a blizzard's beginning. Even nature itself has taken sides, choosing to extinguish a tainted heart than that which taints hearts. And yet the flowers continue to bloom around me, taking shape and filling me with a faint relief...an ephemeral relief that dies immediately when I recognize that these flowers are soiled red with blood.
I want to plunge the blade of weakness,
born from this torn away heart and the reason behind my tears,
into my heart and slay this moment with it.
Just a few short hours ago, my pain and hate were not so great. I knew the meaning of hope, and I felt that perhaps love wasn't a festering pain hiding behind the guise of euphoria. I sat by the well, where there ought to be cleansing water, but in its stead lies a swelling rotten sea. My fingers were curled around a brush tipped with ink. On my lap rested a small stack of blank paper. Scattered around me were the crumbled failures of a letter I meant to write to you.
A flicker of light caught my eye, causing me to twist to glance at the source. I saw you before I felt the pain in my heart, your eyes observing me so carefully, calculatingly, that I couldn't believe it was you watching me at first. You were the first thing I saw. The second was her, weapon in hand, an attack already released and sent at me with expert and deadly precision. The final thing was the gaping hole that had torn into my heart, shattered me to pieces and left me to drop to the ground as you scrutinized me with unsympathetic eyes. And yet...I failed to die. Cruel fate chose to let me suffer than to give me release.
This pain is so unbearable. I would plunge a dagger into my heart to end it, if it meant forgetting this love ever came to be. I would prove susceptible to the utmost weakness, to take this pain and let it kill me, than to suffer as I am now. This pain, which births a dagger of blood and agony. This pain, the reason behind my eternal tears. If I could, I would kill myself and take this moment, this excruciation, and throw it to the afterlife.
living without you destroys all the meaning in life,
The letter I started to write was stopped by my tears
I want to sink into the rotten sea.
To know you stood by and allowed me to be struck tells me the whole story. I'm alone, without you, as you drift away and leave to accomplish your own goals. You've abandoned me in this sea of tears and snow. And you've destroyed my everything. You've destroyed my dreams and my hopes. You've destroyed my fantasies and my feelings. You're destroyed what I held most dear. You've destroy my raison d'être, my will to live, my meaning in life.
The stack of paper I'd held in my lap tumbled to the ground as I did, spreading out over the grass and snow, slipping to the ground I fell upon, blowing away with the wind. My head landed on a couple of the crumbled sheets destined to be the pillows that would soak up my tears. The ink underneath would surely bleed, destroying the evidence of my letter, stopping it from ever reaching you.
If you've forsaken me, then please, please, throw me into that rotten sea of death and decay. Drop me into the well and allow me to rest with other creatures with grudges and broken minds and hearts. If you cannot give me love, and you cannot give me peace, then give me to those that will either empathize with my pain or swiftly end it. Show at least this mercy to my swelling rotten heart.
Hold me once for every time I cried, unable to find an answer.
Hung my head to hide the tears, at least from you...
My wishes ring through my broken mind, resonate without words in my rotten heart, flow like blood through my body and out the gaping wound of my literal heart. The snow glistens with the light of a fire nearby, though I imagine it's from the one star I can see from my position on the ground. The sanguinary flowers shimmering on the ground are swaying with a light breeze when I hear it. Crunch, crunch, crunch. What's that sound? Crunch, crunch, crunch. It's drawing closer. Crunch, crunch, crunch. So...familiar.
Before I know it, you're standing over me, but I can't see you. You're behind me, you're shadow extending the other way, so the silence frightens me into thinking I've been found by humans that would attempt to save my life. I want to die. I just want to die. My tears flow hot and painful against how cold my face has gotten. When you lift me from the ground, my fear spikes and my heart skips a beat. I cough because of the shock and blood erupts from my lips to taint the snow. You turn me around and I see that it's you, and that you're holding me tightly. Your arms tighten around me and I think of the grizzly, whose hug is potentially fatal. That thought is fleeting, as a different brand of cognition consumes my mind.
I want you to hold me. I want you to squeeze me tight. Kill me if you must, but don't let go until I'm dead. Hold me for all the times I've cried on your behalf, for you, in fear of you, in joy because of you. Hold me for all the times I've cried and you didn't seem to know what to do because of it. Hold me now to compensate for the times you didn't see that you should have. Just pretend I'm not crying now. I'll hold my head down to hide the tears from you. Just hold me and ignore that they flow as they do.
I want to plunge the blade of weakness,
born from this torn away heart and the reason behind my tears,
into my heart and slay this moment with it.
My plea goes unanswered as you let me go, replace me on the ground, and walk away, crunching the freezing snow as you step. I caught sight of you trampling a single flower in your path, one of those flowers tainted red by my blood. Your foot lifts from it for a brief moment before you notice it and pluck it from the ground. You slip it into your clothes, taking it with you as a commemoration to my pain, a keepsake that will remind you of the agony you put me through, a way to look back on this and admire how you'd used me like a marionette.
You pulled me from a ditch only to throw me back down twice as hard. While lifting me up, you didn't notice the tendril of hate that adhered me to the ground, ripping a larger hole in my heart without either of us knowing. But it makes no difference now, as I could never hate you. I just hate myself for allowing this to happen. What did I do to displease you? I could die for whatever it was, to take it back. I'll plunge a blade of pain and sorrow into my chest with my weakness prostrate before you. I'll deny you nothing. I'll take my tears and my rotten heart and use them as evidence to never allow me to falter. I'll do anything.
If it will reverse time, destroy this moment, I'll do anything.
everything you tainted,
My body knows I'll never have this love again.
I want to sink it into the rotten sea.
Sink into the freezing cold rotten sea,
longing for you beyond my reach, searching for the voice, the love.
My existence ends abruptly without you. You cared not to even give me to the well like any other plague that happened upon this forest. Is this a testament to your belief that I'm not a monster? Am I not a burden? You've infested my thoughts like a virus, and now everything I am is centered around you. I'm defenseless against your words and your actions. You've caused my purity to fade. And I love you. I don't know if I love you for what you've done to me or in spite of it. The details seem insignificant. All I know is I love you and, for a brief while, you loved me. Despite my mind and my heart telling me, "No, it's not true," my body knows I'll never feel love again. All I have is you.
I don't know if it's because of or in spite of you, I want to sink away. Into the bones and rotting flesh, I want to sink away. I want to drown in it, to freeze underneath its surface, to fall away from time itself and become nothing within a world of everything. I cannot reach the well, where I can curl up on the bed and allow myself to wither, although I never would. There's too much for my heart to feed on for me to die: this pain, my love, the tears, my sorrow, this body, my mind.
And, despite your betrayal and lies, I continue to lie here with thoughts only of you. I reach out my fingers, which are all I can move with the energy my injuries leave me without, hoping to tell you to come back. Somewhere inside, I know you won't come back, but I'll sit here forever, searching for your voice, for the love you once had for me.
Tell me who you stuck in the place of the narrator and "you." i'd really like to know. i envisioned Kagome as the narrator and a couple different people as "you."
i hope you liked it. Especially Kelly-kun! Hee hee.
10:50 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time. U.S. Sunday, May 07, 2006.
Ja matta!
Chiisai Mu.
Little Nothing.