Note – The title is from Arrested Development. Devotees will remember Nurse Adelaide, who constantly shouts "Faker!" and slaps her patients, like when she slapped Buster for pretending to be in a coma and then coming out of it to tell her he loved her. Also, blame Amber for this.
Faker! (NC-17)
.: Crimson Manor :.
God, he loved sex.
Completely spent, Johnny flopped onto his back so that he wouldn't crush Nadine and let out a contented groan. The post-climax haze had already enveloped him and sleep was creeping in like thick, pleasant fog, obscuring most everything else. His panting breath was louder than Nadine's and he lay still, exhausted, as the sweat slowly evaporated from his body.
He had the presence of mind to link his fingers with his girlfriend's, holding her hand over his chest as he began to nod off. Johnny's breathing evened out and he would have fallen asleep except that he felt the movement of her hand against him.
Nadine, thinking that he was already asleep, carefully slipped her hand free of his. Johnny feigned sleep and felt her slide out of bed. He heard some rustling, presumably her pulling on his shirt and boxers and putting her hair up, and then heard the gentle patter of her toes on the plush carpet as she left the bedroom.
Frowning, Johnny cracked an eye open and pushed himself up on his elbows. His head was still fuzzy with near-sleep but starting to clear with the troubling thought: what was wrong?
The evening had been nice enough. They had dinner with Claudia like they usually did on Thursday nights, then the girls had wine and he enjoyed a cigar in the game room as his sister helped Nadine perfect her pool game.
He heard the very muffled sound of a television on in the other room where Nadine kept some of her DVD collection (Claudia wouldn't allow things like Pride and Prejudice and The Complete Box Set of Alvin and the Chipmunks to commingle with their already impressive collection), and Johnny turned onto his side.
The pool game had been nice enough. After a while, Claudia had gotten bored and gone back to her place, and they'd had the rest of the night to themselves. Nadine was no stranger to Crimson Manor, and the staff was used to having her around at all hours of the day and night. After all, the two of them had been dating for almost a year.
They wound up upstairs later, making out in the hallway. He might have slammed her up against the wall at some point and only ducked into his bedroom when Reivers came walking by with a stack of clean linens, no doubt helping one of the maids, and had voiced his disapproval of their amorous antics with a loud clearing of his throat.
They made it into the bedroom with their clothes on, but that took only about two minutes to rectify. They tumbled onto the bed and Johnny knew for a fact that Nadine had been enjoying herself because she was gripping his shoulders and her cheeks were flushed as his hands wandered and headed south.
He frowned at the ceiling, trying to remember what came after that. Well, he knew what came after that, naturally, because it had been quite pleasant for him, really, but he was trying to remember what Nadine looked like.
Hm.
He tried to remember if her skin had been flushed, if she'd raked her nails over his skin and clutched at his shoulders, if she'd pressed down around him like she always did when he pushed her to the edge…
…and couldn't come up with much.
Fuck.
The thought was like a bucket of ice water and Johnny jolted upright, breaking out in a cold sweat. This was not good. Oh, fuck, this was not good.
Had Nadine faked an orgasm?
The thought sent a chill down his spine, and for a moment he thought he was going to be sick. No, it wasn't possible. So what if her skin hadn't been as flushed as it was during foreplay? So what if she could still form coherent words in the seconds leading up to the finish? So what if he hadn't felt her muscles contract? And….so what if she was able to get up a couple minutes afterward when he felt completely boneless?
Ah, fuck.
His girlfriend had faked an orgasm.
Johnny fell back in bed, his hands clutching the edge of the sheets. Jesus Christ. This was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Well, okay, sure, his mother's death was the worst thing. But he sure as fuck wasn't throwing any parties over this news. No woman he'd ever been with had faked an orgasm before.
…Oh dear God, had they faked orgasms before?!
He groaned and pulled the sheets over his head, telling himself that Nadine hadn't done it because he was terrible in bed. He wasn't terrible in bed. He wasn't terrible in bed. He wasn't terrible in bed…
Nadine's television show hummed away in the background as Johnny repeated his mantra over and over, and eventually he slipped into a fitful slumber.
~*~*~*~*~*~
.: Corinthos Morgan Warehouse :.
He wasn't terrible in bed, he wasn't terrible in bed, he wasn't terrible in bed…
"And once the agreement is finalized, our routes going down to Manhattan will be consolidated," Sonny was explaining as Jason pushed a contract in front of Johnny.
He wasn't terrible in bed, he wasn't terrible in bed, he wasn't terrible in bed…
"You get forty percent of the cut and agree to put up equal protection of our combined goods and combined manpower," Sonny added, readying his pen and holding it out so the younger man could scrawl his name on the line.
He wasn't terrible in bed, he wasn't terrible in bed, he wasn't terrible in bed…
Jason sighed roughly as Sonny held the pen out further. "Well, what do you think, Johnny?"
If he wasn't terrible in bed, then why did Nadine fake an orgasm?
What the hell?
He wasn't terrible in bed! He was amazing in bed!
And he'd show that stupid woman just how damn amazing and then she'd know better than to ever feel the need to fake a goddamn orgasm again.
"Fuck this noise!" he yelled, shoving his chair back and getting up from the table. "I'm out of here."
Sonny and Jason watched him leave, and after a moment Jason turned to his partner and shrugged.
"He was right to get out, it was a terrible offer."
"Shut up, Jason."
~*~*~*~*~*~
.: Crimson Manor :.
Nadine was on her little Macbook when he came into the library looking for her. "Hey, you. You'll never guess what I-"
Johnny immediately put a finger to her lips. "For the next hour, you don't talk. Got it?"
Her eyes widened and her lips curved into a cross frown, but he was serious.
"Nadine, I mean it. For the next hour, you say nothing." His dark eyes blazed with intensity. "Trust me on this."
After a long moment, she finally nodded, and that was all that Johnny needed. He ignored her squawk as he grabbed her and tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, just like he ignored the stunned looks from the help as he darted up the stairs to his bedroom, closing the door on Reivers's stern and disapproving frown.
"What are we-"
He frowned at her and Nadine quickly shut her mouth as he made his way to his massive four-post bed. After depositing her right in the center of it, Johnny kicked off his shoes and socks and dumped his jacket on the floor. Nadine sat there and watched him, her eyes widening when he climbed up and joined her.
His hand found her side and his lips teasingly brushed against her temple, and Nadine thought she knew what was coming next (really, it was pretty obvious), but Johnny surprised her by tenderly tucking a few locks of hair behind her ear.
His eyes locked with hers now, Johnny reached behind her and undid her ponytail, letting his fingers get tangled in her silky blonde hair. His hands then moved to her shoulders and he kneaded them gently, pleased when she closed her eyes and slowly let her head fall back.
Johnny skimmed his hands down her arms, feeling the goosebumps slowly start to rise, and then did it again. Nadine opened her eyes and watched him lazily, but he didn't stop. Instead, he coaxed her into his lap and let his talented fingers find the small of her back, the little pocket of space just as her back disappeared under her jeans. His lips flirted with hers, whispering over hers but never long enough for her to kiss him back.
His fingers continued to flit up and down her spine slowly, bringing her senses to life, and Nadine wound her arms around his neck. Johnny held her securely and used his other hand to rub her side all the way down from her hip to her ankle. He tickled his fingers around the protruding bone of her ankle, mildly surprised when he saw her bite her lip.
Nadine had the weirdest erogenous zones, seriously.
When he finally kissed her – really kissed her – her lips were already parted. Johnny resisted the urge to slip his tongue into her mouth and instead just focused on her lips. He nibbled on them very gently before pulling her lower lip into his mouth. Nadine sighed and their breaths mingled. She moved closer, situating herself more firmly in his lap, and flicked at his lip with her tongue.
Finally, Johnny obliged her request and he felt her tongue rub up against his as she opened her mouth wider, encouraging him to slant his over hers. He kissed her languidly and found himself enjoying it more than he thought he would. It wasn't that he always rushed ahead to the good stuff, just that sometimes when they were kissing, he was more focused on kissing her in other places aside from her lips.
He kissed her deeply now, but slowly, letting her control his pace and the intensity. Nadine was growing restless in his lap, her fingers already skirting along the line of buttons on his shirt. He caught her hand in his and just held it over his heart as he kissed her and Nadine quieted down a little.
Very gently, Johnny eased her off his lap and onto the bed, then slowly on to her back. His lips moved from hers to the column of her throat as his hands explored the neckline of her billowy blouse. It was off the shoulder, tied an inch or two below her collarbones with a little silk rope tie, but instead of ripping it off, he let his fingers flit over her smooth skin, first in a straight line, then in a circle, then in little swirls. Nadine let out a satisfied purr as he teased her, the pads of his fingers rough on her warm skin.
He did the same over her arms, letting his fingers gently move up and down, playing with the edges of her short sleeves, making her squirm. Johnny drew it out as long as he could, even stopping to dip his tongue into the little space created by the tie, before finally pulling it loose with his teeth.
Nadine let out a sigh of relief as his lips returned to her skin and slowly, Johnny began to pull her blouse up. She helped him whisk it over her head and expected him to get right down to business now that he'd bared her pale pink bra, but he had other ideas. His hands rubbed up and down her sides, holding her down gently as his tongue tickled her navel. Nadine was very ticklish, which often made sex….interesting (that is, until one of her flailing limbs struck his nose, causing it to bleed, which had actually happened no less than on three occasions).
She groaned as he rasped his light stubble against the soft, sensitive skin of her stomach before moving lower and doing the same on her inner thigh. Johnny heard her breath catch and knew he was on the right track, so he kept it up and repeated the motion on her other sigh, earning an appreciative growl.
He flicked open the button of her brown shorts and peeled them off, trailing them slowly down her long, smooth legs before flinging them away, but left her panties on. Moving upward, he once again nibbled on her ear and kissed her neck as his fingers traced the outline of her underwear, teasing her by dipping his fingers under the soft cotton but never going as far as he knew she wanted him to.
Nadine was flushed now and writhing, and Johnny relented and let her take his shirt off. Instead of the same delicate treatment he bestowed on her, Nadine unceremoniously grabbed the cotton and yanked, practically ripping it off of him. His undershirt soon followed and when she reached for his pants, Johnny grabbed her wrists and pinned her down on the bed again.
He'd told himself before he started this that he had a personal record: forgo penetration for a full forty-five minutes. And damn it, he was going to stick to that.
The next three-quarters of an hour were pure torture for the both of them, but in the best way possible. He explored parts of her body that often went overlooked, and discovered one or two new things that made Nadine squeal like a stuck pig. (He knew she would have appreciated the simile.)
Occasionally, he let her do what she wanted to him, but kept her in check. Watching her go out of her mind was really doing it for him, and he didn't want to end up embarrassing both of them if he gave her free reign. The whole point of this was to take his time and show her what he could really do – and judging by the way her eyes gleamed and the color in her cheeks (all over her body, really), he was right on track.
When the thirty minutes were up, it was all over. Despite his best attempts, he just didn't have the willpower.
Nadine didn't seem to mind in the slightest. She tore at him in her haste to get him out of his pants and boxers, then shoved at him, trying to force him back so that she could straddle him.
But Johnny wasn't about to give in that easily and pinned her down to the mattress. Nadine opened her mouth to protest but he glared at her, reminding her of her promise. So she snapped her mouth shut and forced herself to stay quiet as Johnny went about doing whatever he wanted to her.
Johnny positioned himself and took a few minutes to tease her, knowing exactly where to touch her to just drive her wild. When she couldn't take it for a second longer, he slowly entered her, little by little, until they were fully connected.
He was sweating profusely and concentrating wholly on keeping still and going slowly, but Nadine was set on making that difficult. She kissed him softly as she lifted her pelvis slightly, bring them closer, and began to move her hips. Johnny was powerless against the suggestive rocking and before long he was thrusting, slowly at first and then gradually faster and faster.
Nadine broke her promise and urged him on, telling him to go faster, deeper, and really, who was he to argue with that sort of thing? So Johnny gave in and shed his last semblance of control and before long had pushed her to the very edge. Nadine let out a sharp cry, the first syllable of his name, and that was it as her entire body tightened and her hips pushed up off the bed, lifting even him a few inches up before she slowly came down.
He didn't last much longer after that and collapsed on his elbows, doing his best not to crush her. But even that battle was lost, and after almost an hour of teasing her and pulling back, teasing her and pulling back, he was exhausted and completely spent. So he slumped on top of her, knowing that she could handle it – at least for now – when her arms wrapped around his middle and held him close.
After what seemed like forever, Johnny was able to roll onto his back, pulling Nadine along with him so that she was cuddled up against his side. They lay on top of the comforter, just breathing, waiting for their breath and hearts and bodies to return to normal.
He stroked her hair languidly, letting his fingers get tangled up in the golden locks as hers tapped a delicate beat on his bare chest. Snuffling a little, Johnny nuzzled her temple, feeling her smile against his skin.
"What was that about?"
He shrugged, his eyes dancing over her pretty features. "Eh. Felt like it."
Nadine smiled indulgently, knowing there was more to it than that. "Oh? Anything in particular bring this on?"
Johnny sighed and looked at the ceiling, his hand moving slowly up and down her arm, rubbing her shoulder. He could come clean or he could keep his trap shut and just be a passive aggressive little bitch about it. Yeah, he'd pretty much already made his mind up.
"The last time we had sex, you faked it."
Nadine pushed herself up onto her elbow and looked down at him. "You…knew?"
He nodded.
"How?"
"You got up right after we finished," he shrugged, feeling uncomfortable from how she was looking at him. "You got up and left the room and watched TV or something. I can't even move for, like, twenty minutes after we're done. You just hopped up and left."
"Oh." She was nibbling her lip now and had the sense to look a little sheepish. "That."
"Yeah, that." His hand caught hers and he twined their fingers together. "Nadine, if I did something wrong, or if you didn't like-"
"No, no." She cupped his cheek, quieting him, and stroked her fingers over his five o'clock shadow. "Johnny, it wasn't anything like that, I promise."
"What was it, then?"
"I was just…preoccupied."
"With what?"
"Well…" She twisted their fingers together. "Okay. According to rumors, the Arrested Development movie was totally stalled, even though they got all the actors together and the producers and Ron Howard and they were starting to get a script together, but it just stalled. And that's upsetting. So I couldn't concentrate because I'd just read about that on the blogs before we went to bed, so then obviously it didn't happen and I faked it so you wouldn't drive yourself crazy, and then I went to watch my Arrested Development DVDs."
She was talking fast and not stopping to take a breath, and Johnny wondered how she could do it. "And then, today, right before you got home, I was reading the blogs and it turns out, they are working on the script! And they've got about a hundred pages done and they're even scouting locations in LA – they were doing that today – and so the movie's back on and I can stop worrying about it and go back to enjoying sex."
She was smiling at him so proudly, and he almost felt bad for thinking that her previous doctor must have been a magician because he couldn't find the lobotomy scar anywhere.
"Johnny? Hello? What are you thinking?"
He flopped back down on the bed and closed his eyes. "You are completely fucking certifiable, you know that?"
The End.
A/N: Lame last lines, I know. I don't care.