«Hello everyone, Mari Ohara sticking around. I'm the actual Mari, but I hope you don't mind if I write in English tonight... I don't feel like diving into Google IME to choose the right kanji and that kind of stuff. If I know English, why to get on the hard way?»
Mari was in front of her desk with a glass of fresh-brewed coffee. It was 3 am, much later than her usual sleeping time, but she gave up on trying to sleep a little after midnight. She made some coffee for herself and logged in her subreddit to get her ideas straight. There are some things in this world that can work when got straight – not many, though.
«In normal circumstances, I would be asking this to my best friend. But I tried so many times, she finally ran out of new ideas to help me because I'm just a disaster. And I hate to accept this, but it's not like I have other friends.»
«So: imagine you have a friend... pretty much like Dia. Like Dia Kurosawa, you know? But not Dia, I mean... Like…»
«You know what? It's about Dia, indeed.»
«It's just that my daily routine does not allow me to have much fun on a daily basis, you know? Some of you may have read the schedule I told to the journalists the time they interviewed me the summer I joined Aqours. I have like… three showers a day and a bath, yoga, horse riding… it looks like I even manage to take a nap, right? Nah, but both the multiple showers and the nap are therapeutic stuff. In the end, most of my time is wasted trying not to… fall apart because of my rotten head. But this is no place to discuss that.»
«The point is… when I have people of my age around me, I feel a little relieved… but not as much as I would like. Do you know that I just shout "SHINY" from time to time and I randomly grab other people's boobs? Well… I just do it because I don't know how to handle certain social scenarios, and I get a little nervous.»
«I had a crush on Dia on 1st grade in middle school. I didn't know how to handle it, so I wrote a letter telling her to leave the fucking school because she was a bitch and no one liked her...and left it on the shelf of her desk, before she reached school. She suddenly found it on last term that day, and came to me crying to tell me someone had been very rude to her. Why did you choose me instead of Kanan, Dia…?»
«By the way, they never found out it was me the whole time.»
«I'm not looking for anyone telling me I did nothing wrong. I know I've done a lot of terrible things to her, right? I know not being able to interact like a healthy person is not an excuse, right? I know… I just want to make things up with her! I'm always talking about leaving the town after graduating, but I don't want to leave Japan alone this time! I want my friends to come with me… both of them. Because I want both of them to be my friends again, like the time we made Aqours to save the school two years ago.»
«Look: save on telling me off that I must learn from my mistakes. I already reached that stage, right? Just… tell me what can I do. Please.»
«– Mari Ohara»
Her phone didn't ring for a long time, so she tried to google an answer for her own. Mari was used to solve everything with money, but Kanan was clear about that point:
– Mari, you can't just buy friends –she said.
– Why not? I mean, don't you know that American series where the cheerleader gets lots of friends out of popularity? You can buy friends!
– You can buy actors who play the role of your friends, but you can't make them love you with plain cash. Feelings don't have a price, Mari… and anyone who suddenly turns into your friend after being told you're rich is a liar! So please, don't take that bait...
– I know those are false friends, Kanan! A shit lot of people tried to befriend me just because I had money the year I studied in the abroad. Do you think I'm so naïve!?
– I'm not saying you are, Mari! But, listen to yourself; you are willing to buy Dia's friendship back, like it was a toy you can replace! It's not about innocence… it's about despair.
Mari always counted on her father's bank account to solve everything. She never cared about looking after her phone, her computer or her game console, because dad could buy her a new one the same day they were broken. But a person's heart was something of a different nature, that you can't hardly even repair once broken, so she was totally clueless once she got the determination to change her prankster behavior.
«I just messed it up so badly… I'm just horrible. Horrible. I mean, how wouldn't hate me, if the first thing I did when I met Chika was to tell her I got a stage for them? I did good with the excuse of saving the school to get again into Uranohoshi, though. Maybe money can't solve all of your problems, but it gets quite a big part of the job done, hehe.»
She hit the desk with her forehead. «You fucking snob, quit being like this! This is the line that got me here in the first place... If I didn't think I could just buy Dia some book or get her to the theater to gain her forgiveness, I wouldn't have been so childish in the first place. I was always giving her some expensive trash in order to regain her friendship when I messed it up...»
«Kanan told me. Kanan told me all the things I gave her was rubbish to her; I mean, I don't think she considered an Ayase Eli plush toy was trash, right? But, according to her, she forgave me in the end because the appreciated me… But I finally crossed the line at some point...»
Mari finally got a reply, but she didn't notice until 4 am, once her sadness was slowly dying out. The reply was posted under the name WashiWashi96, which seemed a weird nickname for Mari, but the post's content seemed pretty reasonable to her.
«Good evening, Mari. I was just passing by when I noticed your thread, which is pretty unique since idols tend to set their personal life apart from their professional career, but you just came here to talk about your social phobia… I think you're pretty brave to do this, so I will give you a short advice.»
«Look: I trust you. I can tell your feelings are sincere, but you built yourself a reputation before Dia, so she may have a strong prejudice about you. Still, I can tell how much you love her -leaving the old crush aside- and she may have a short temper, but that doesn't mean she's rude by nature.»
«What you need is to use the anonymity one more time, but for good. Look: there is a website called Curious Cat, popular among western Twitter users, where you can send anonymous questions to someone else, and they may or may not answer you. I think you are smart enough to make out what I'm going to tell you, so I will leave it to you. Good luck, and may the spirits be with you! »
Mari held her head on her arm, whose elbow was resting on the desk. «If you see her in person, you may take the impression she doesn't really like people… but I know her for a really long time, nearly as much as Kanan, and I can tell she actually thinks highly of people spending time with her. It's only that she… I don't know, may she be shy, or may she not like crowds? I don't know… But she really likes people; when they're given in small doses, it is.»
«I remember when she and I were in 2nd grade in the middle school. I still had a crush on her, and the classes were over. We were the last packing our things because it was her turn to clean the classroom, but I wanted to help her.»
«– Mari! What are you doing!? – She said. She's always been very righteous.»
«– Do you really think to do this all alone? – I said, with malicious eyes»
«– I must.»
«– No one says I can't help, right? Not while you are, indeed, doing it. Plus, no one is going to blame on us if they don't realize.»
«She was about to yell at me again, but then she… just went quiet, holding her broom like she was having a hard time to tell me anything. She wanted to do it, yeah, but she didn't anyway. When she finally managed to say anything, she told me to leave the mop and stay close to her. I asked her why.»
«– Listen. It's not right for you to do it, because I won't do it when your turn comes, Mari. And I… uh... I'll be fine if you just keep me company! –She was blushing at this point. I thought my heart was about to make BOOM– I think that won't be a hard task, will it?»
«– But why? Why is me just not doing anything any different from me helping you out?»
«Her voice crumbled.»
«– Why do people keep other people company, Mari? I thought you were smarter.»
Mari hit the desk with her forehead again. Not because she was sleepy, since she was fully awake. She did this several times, before taking her hands on her head and sobbing.
«Dia… when did we tear apart…?»
Mari didn't sleep that night, writing on lots of sheets of paper she would dump every time. She tried to write what she was feeling in both Japanese and English, but words never came out. She would even have tried to write it in Italian, but there was no way Dia spoke Italian, so there was no use in trying. So the morning eventually came, and Mari had to give up on it.
«Oh, man. It's morning.»
She went to the bathroom to wash her face on cold water. Her reflection on the mirror was nothing to crave: she had dark bags under her eyes that didn't go away with the water, so she tried to make her face up to conceal them, but she was too tired to success. «I think I should focus on putting on the uniform...»
– Good morning, miss… Miss Mari? –Asked one of the kitchen helpers– What is that face of yours? Didn't you sleep well last night?
– Neither good or bad. I didn't.
– I think you should cut down on coffee.
– No, I… –She sighed– I couldn't sleep because of other reasons. Personal reasons.
– I see… you're graduating soon, aren't you?
Everyone in the hotel knew Mari, as she was the daughter of the chairman. They knew Mari was pretending to study Business administration in the US after graduating in Japan to follow his father's steps, so they all tried to please her all the time. But none of them was actually interested in her personal life or being a real acquaintance, so she didn't pay attention to them most of the time.
Unlike other days, she didn't tell anyone to take her to school. Instead, she downloaded Google Maps from the Apple Store in order to look for the closest bus station. She wasn't in the mood for going in an expensive car, all alone, plus she had many things to think about and her chaffeur usually arrived soon.
The classroom had a different aura once she was alone at the dawn of the day. It usually felt very lively, filled with the voices, the cotton smell of the uniforms and the heat of her classmates. She counted on this while riding the bus, so she had her time to rip a page of a notebook and write a note for Dia.
«Dear Dia Kurosawa,»
«I don't have any hope for you to know who I am, since we haven't talked since I arrived this school last year and I don't usually solve any exercise on the blackboard. I'm very far from being as skilled as you are, Kurosawa, so you would find me an utter mess if I talked to you directly. Ah… I'm afraid I'm not an educated-ass like you, so I can't even try to talk pretty! But I just… wanted you to know I highly appreciate you!»
«With love, your classmate»
– This shit is the very best I can try… –she lamented, while leaving the note on the desk.
Mari observed Dia as close as she could from her desk. Kanan, who was next to Mari, observed her.
– What's wrong this morning? –Muttered Kanan– You're so absent-looking, staring at Dia…
– Shhhh! Don't spoil it.
Dia sat on her desk, and found the note. At first, she saved it with a neutral face between the pages of the book she was reading at the moment, but she got the book again once the class was over and took the note. A faint smile drew on her face, which made Mari squeeze her pencil.
«Please, Dia… Accept the new Mari in your heart.»
The next day, Mari did the same thing: she took the bus early in the morning and wrote a note in her way. She was about to leave another note, but then she realized Dia left a note herself. «Attn: My beloved, shy classmate», it said on the top. Dia's handwriting was beautiful and charming, the one you could expect from such a perfectionist like her; it was the calmness of the night, in opposition to Mari's burning soul. She was even sorry about the idea of trying to restore their friendship, since Dia, she thought, deserved much more calm and composed friends.
But she read it, anyway.
«Dear classmate,»
«Do not be afraid to talk to me face-to-face, please. My speaking and title of student council president may impress you at first, but I am not such a cold person as my behavior could have misguided you into.» Mari thought Dia's speech was beyond perfection, and she was about to tear her clumsy note. «I am sorry if I do not look expressive at first, as some other people I know, but I am always open to meet new people! I mean, in private; I handle private conversations way better than small talk in the middle of a classroom. Sorry.»
«Nonetheless, can you give me your LINE ID? It is, supposing you use the mobile phone LINE application to communicate with the others, of course… I'm not a particular fan of instant messages, but it's handy to talk with my sister, so I have it anyway. So, do you like my idea?»
«With love, Dia Kurosawa»
– Dia… you never told me you loved me… I don't know if I should feel either happy because you just did it, or sad because you wouldn't do if you knew it was me the whole time.
So she left the note with a PS at the end. Her hand was trembling.
It was the third consecutive day Mari didn't ask the chaffeur for a ride, but she wouldn't tell dad anyway. It was not his fault she took the bus, and the girl who drove her to school was actually nice to her. She deserved to have some days off from time to time, unlike those greedy men of the hotel.
It was later than usual; around five or six minutes later, since she was listening to music on the ride to school. That was a sign of her mood improvement, despite she wasn't still ready to listen some of her industrial metal, so she was going easy with Warner William's Mouse on the Hill. She didn't know why, but that song brought some sweet memories to her.
Because of the music, Mari didn't tell Dia was about to get into the classroom. Just in the moment she was about to leave the note. Dia's forceful gasp stroke through Mari's heart.
– MARI! –She said, trying not to yell too much– What are you doing!?
Before Mari had time to hide the note, Dia sprinted across the classroom until she reached her desk and gripped Mari's wrist.
– What… MARI! PLEASE TELL ME THESE NOTES AREN'T YOURS.
She was right before her ear, so Mari had a hard time to recover from the scream. In that time, Dia took the note from her hand.
– So… the shy classmate was one of your pranks! You little madman, this is far beyond joke! Why did you pushed such a harmful jokes, and for so long!? How long were you going to keep on this!?
Mari finally recovered, so she put her hands on Dia's shoulders while looking at her eyes. Dia tried to get rid of her, but Mari's grip was just too strong.
– Dia, please, listen to me once!
– Once!? I'm always listening to you, you brat! It's you who never listen to me!
– I tried to tell this to you several times, but you would always act like my words weren't relevant! But this was not a joke this time!
Dia suddenly ceased moving, panting. Her gaze was dull, kind of dead to Mari's eyes.
– But then why? Why did you do this? What is this, if it's not a prank? –Dia remained silent for a moment– Well, it indeed is way too cruel to be a prank… –She tore up– I really want to believe you are not that evil.
– I know I've been evil in the past –Mari's voice sounded pitiful–, but that's because I'm not interesting at all as I am. I just wanted to be a funny person, and that I would improve if I practiced… or something like that, you know?
– But you have been pitiless since we began high school, Mari. I never like your jokes because, you know, I am not an extroverted person myself, but they were harmless before. I do not know what happened when you made up your mind to study in the abroad. It became a merciless sequence of evil traits! You could not tell if you really gave up on trying to be funny at some point of the year.
– I just… lost control of myself. But I didn't tell until I moved to the US, since American people is such savage compared to Japanese folks… I myself was intimidated by most boys and girls! I didn't really make any friend.
– So the parties and all that stuff…
– I used to get myself uninvited –she giggled–. Nobody is rejecting the richest girl in the school, even less the 16-year-old weebs with that disgusting Asian fetish of them. They all wanted to get into the… how did they call me? Sushi geisha roll?
Dia tried not to laugh, but she couldn't avoid noises coming from her throat.
– Sushi… geisha…roll?
– Don't think too hard about it, a lot of them think Universal healthcare is some leftist hippie trend. Once, a freak asked me how was courage written in Japanese for a tattoo, and I wrote "fish and chips" on a sheet for him. He actually got the tattoo!
» But as much as I'm proud of tricking those weebs, I'm very sorry of what I turned into when I got back to Japan. I'm really, really sorry.
– So... you didn't tell me the reason why you did this yet. I'm listening –Dia sat on her chair.
– Because I want to be your friend again.
– Who told you I was not your friend anymore, you hard-headed ass? –Said Dia, angry– So you did all this because you didn't trust me, it's just that?
– C'mon, Dia. Tell me right here to my face you love me. I dare you. And not only you like me; I want to hear if you really appreciate me as a friend.
Dia stared at Mari with an awkward expression.
– I… Well, out of the blue… –She gazed in another direction.
– See what I mean?
– But it's not like I dislike you!
– Pretty bomber head –said Mari, calm.
– DO NOT PRETTY BOMBER HEAD ME.
– See?
– But… but I…
A tear of shame ran across Dia's face. She was ashamed of disliking Mari after reading those notes, but she was not able to do anything against it. It was true Mari was a resignation test Dia wasn't able to pass, but she didn't feel like disliking Mari. In the bottom of her heart, she used to think she was a good person; in fact, she still wanted to believe Mari was not a bad person, but it's was too hard to make up her mind with her annoying nature in mind.
– Look: I don't want to hate you, right? I really want to like you. I just…
– Dia, don't act like I did nothing wrong, gotcha? –Mari sat on the ground, on her knees, while taking Dia's hand– I've been horrible, annoying and nothing farther from you. I really, really want to be like you. I really want…
– Mari, that's not how it works –Dia wiped a tear off with her sleeve– You can't just change for someone else, see? It wouldn't be Mari Ohara anymore – just someone with the same… body? But what makes you is not your body, your looks or even your DNA. It's your personality. I wouldn't be befriending you, see?
– But my personality doesn't work.
– No, no, no… What you fix are bad things. While it is OK to leave the merciless behavior you have been having lately, since it's harmful, it will not be OK to stop being a joker. I have to confess the fish and chips thing was actually funny, actually; you were on your right to get revenge.
– But then, what should I do?
– My, my… I think you should ask to a more outgoing person, like Chika. I'm the exact opposite of you!
– Because you're the exact opposite, no one is better than you for telling me if I'm too harsh!
Dia looked at Mari, right in the eyes. For the first time in years, she showed a honest smile on her face while talking with her.
Later that month, Chika got an anonymous envelope from her house's mailbox. There was a letter and a A4-sized picture of Mari posing with all of the former members of µ's. She was doing that Italian sign with her hand, with the same blank smile she got in her first photo shoot, and she had Nozomi's hand on her shoulder. There was a letter with the picture.
«Chika,»
«Sorry for tricking you when we first met. I wasn't conscious of how harmful I was when I told you I got a stage for you. I really think you can do it, because you have the guts required to make it success presto. Go out and save the school; I'll just save you some time, but don't count on Ohara after I graduate! It's your job to shine!»
«– Mari»
But there was more text, written with an orange marker. It was fully in Japanese, so it couldn't be Mari's job this time.
«Dear Chika,»
«Your friend Mari has gone to Russia and back just to take this picture. She's no sloth, gods! She even made me listen your first song, and I felt like I had 16 again. I remember I was very lost back then; I wanted to save the school myself, as much as I wanted to be good at something, and to prove everyone -first to myself- I had a talent of some kind, whichever this could be. Now, I look back and I realize it was the silliest way to do things, because that's not quite how the adults' world works, but our success was just a stroke of luck after another.»
«We counted on a trained ballet dancer, an expert in the idol world and even a talented writer on our side, so we managed to win our first Love Live because the winds were blowing in our direction. But I'm afraid things are never as easy, so I'm writing you this letter to tell you to keep calm and carry on through the storm.»
«Chika, I'm going to be honest to you, as much as Dia may already have been to you: there are strong and weak winds, blowing in every possible direction. As long and soon as they begin to blow in your direction, you will try to spread the sails, but reef the sails when required or they will break, and you all will drift. What I mean with this is not to push any of you over your own limits, and to keep in mind that both the main and ultimate goal of performance is fun. Trust me, when you don't have fun, people feels it and gets bored very quickly. And you drift forever.»
«I'm in touch with Mari so we all get tickets for your next performance. Every one of us will take a glowing sticker with our characteristic color, so you notice us. And tell your friends from Aqours that your friends from µ's are on this ship with you. You can't see us, but you can't see the air either, do you? So fight! Promise me you will fight! Will you? It's a promise!»
«PS: The next time you are told you are a copy of us, tell them each one of us have a favorite Aqours girl. Don't you wonder who chose you as her favourite~?»
«– Kousaka Honoka»
Fin