All characters belong to Janet, except Peigi, she's my own curious creation. The lies are from "loads more lies to tell small kids" by Andy Riley

GREAT LIES TO TELL SMALL KIDS

LIE #1

"Daddy, what's anal retentive?" four year old Peigi asked as she sat on the floor colouring.

Without even stopping to think her father replied, "A personality characterized by meticulous neatness, suspicion and reserve; said to be formed in early childhood by fixation during the anal stage of development."

"Honey you're doing it again," called his wife from the kitchen where was making a blueberry pie. "She's too young to understand things like that, dumb it down a little."

He looked over the top of his newspaper, just now realising that he was talking to his four-year-old. "Sorry honey, I didn't realise. Why are you asking about that?"

"Mummy said that Uncle Paul is anal retentive."

He smiled glancing towards the kitchen to make sure she wasn't in hearing distance. "Anal retentive means that Uncle Paul has a zipper where his bum hole should be, but don't ever mention it to him, he's quite sensitive about it." The look on the little girls face was priceless, she was all wide eyed and slack jawed. "Go play with your dolls now." She did as she was told, but the expression was still on her face as she did so. Ranger chuckled to himself and went back to reading the paper.

000ooo000

LIE #2

They sat in a booth at Chucky Cheese celebrating an entire week without an injury. Peigi had been jockeying all evening to go in the ball pit. "Mummy, now can I go in the ball pit?"

Stephanie looked at her daughter, then looked at her daughter's plate. "Open your mouth." Peigi did as she was told revealing the empty space. "Alright."

"Watch out for ball pit sharks," warned Ranger as she skipped off.

Peigi turned around, her eyes wide with fear. She approached the pit with caution and got in carefully. All the other parents were watching her curiously as she wadded warily into the midst of all the other children. Suddenly she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"DADDY HELP!! THE BALL-PIT SHARK'S GOT ME!!!!" The parents watching were laughing, unaware that she was not playing around, that she truly believed that the ball-pit shark had her by the leg.

Stephanie simply looked at her husband. "You did this," she accused. "Go on, go and save your daughter."

He grinned as jogged quickly over to the pit. Within seconds he had her in his arms soothing her with his gentle rubbing on her back. "It's okay, Pei, I've got you now, nothing can ever hurt you when I've got you."

000ooo000

LIES #3 & 4

"Take this off ramp," Ranger instructed looking up from the map on his lap. Stephanie did what he said and found herself in a town very much like the one she had left just a few short hours earlier.

"Whoa, getting a sense of de ja vu here. Where are you taking me?"

"I told you it's a secret."

"Daddy," came Peigi's voice from the backseat. "Is it hard for clouds to stay up there all the time?"

Ranger turned awkwardly in his seat trying not to put any pressure on his injured shoulder. "Of course it is honey. I mean, each year over 2500 clouds crash."

Peigi frowned a little. "Are they alright?" she asked.

"Mostly," he replied, "But sometimes they don't survive."

At this the little girl started to cry. Stephanie glared at Ranger; he could be so cruel. "Don't cry baby, the clouds go to heaven. You remember our talk about heaven don't you?"

She nodded her head before asking, "A lot of things and people go to heaven, isn't it full yet?"

He could not help himself; it had slipped out before he had time to think about what he was saying. "Heaven's not full, baby, but the car park is; since 1991 blessed souls have been driving around looking for a park."

The shock on her face was so apparent that Ranger started laughing. This earned him a punch in the ribs from his arm, coincidentally jarring his shoulder, satisfying her with inflicting more pain than intended.

000ooo000

LIE #5

"No Ranger, we are not getting him to babysit. Last time we let him anywhere near her she spent the weekend in the closet looking for Narnia."

"Well, I have to admit, even I was a little curious as to the validity of the movie. If it weren't for your glare I'd have climbed in to help her."

"Right, so next time I can't find you I should look in the closet first? Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Trust me, Babe, Narnia's definitely in there, we just have to keep looking."

The sound of small feet coming down the hall announced the arrival of Peigi. "Daddy! I think I've found it! I think I've found Narnia!!!" Ranger's eyes grew bright as he followed his daughter into the bedroom to see if she had in fact found Narnia.

000ooo000

LIE #6

Peigi bounded down the stairs dressed in head to toe green sucking on a green lollipop Stephanie had given her. She met her father in the entrance hall hugging his legs (the only part of him she could reach). Ranger had been away on business for a few days and had missed his little girl immensely, but the sight of her green clad body made him chuckle.

"Guess what day it is Daddy!"

Ranger pretended to think. "Dress like a booger day?" he hazarded.

She shook her head emphatically causing her curly, brown pigtails to swoop in front of her face. "No, it's Saint Patrick's Day. That means green. Where's your green?"

Looking down at his suit Ranger shrugged, not a skerrick of green anywhere on him. "I guess I forgot to put some on."

This didn't phase Peigi who pulled one of the green ribbons out of her hair and tie it around his wrist. "There you go! Now you have green on just like me and mummy!!"

Ranger chuckled a little. "What's for dinner?" he asked dropping his keys in the dish on the side table.

"Mummy's making a quiche."

"Did you know that every Irish family eats a whole roast Leprechaun on Saint Patrick's Day?" he asked chuckling a little as her eyes grew wide as they so often did. On these occasions she looked so much like her mother that it was frightening.

"We're not Irish are we Daddy?"

Still chuckling he shook his head. "No, baby, we're many nationalities, but Irish isn't one of them."

"What are we then?" she asked, the shock now replaced with curiosity.

"Well, Mummy is Hungarian and Italian, Daddy is Cuban, Mummy and Daddy are both American and you're all four."

000ooo000

LIE #7

Stephanie sat on the back porch watching in amusement as little Peigi frolicked in the backyard. She had mud streaked on her cheeks and twigs in her hair, but she had never looked more beautiful to Stephanie. She was currently in the middle of a game of hide and seek with her father, who, Stephanie knew, was hiding in the cubby house.

Peigi ran from tree to tree, looking around trunks and under bushes but could not find Ranger. "Daddy!" she called, "Daddy, where are you?" Ranger did not reply, but evidently moved within the small house as there was a loud crash. Running over to her outside home Peigi screamed, "I FOUND YOU!"

Slowly and awkwardly Ranger emerged, a huge grin on his face. It was obvious how much he loved his daughter.

Half an hour later Ranger had found Peigi, who was surprisingly good at hiding for her age. "You have to catch me first!" she yelled darting out from under the stairs and down to the very back of the yard. Ranger followed at a jog, dirt now clumped on his clothes and in his hair.

She stopped at the fence line with nowhere left to go. "Mummy, Daddy! Come look at this."

I made my way down to them and found them both looking at the pole that ran along the top of the fence, two snails were heading toward each other.

"What are they doing Daddy?" she asked. Stephanie had noticed that she always asked her father her most pressing and curious questions and the questions of how much longer and what's for dinner were left to her, but she didn't mind, Ranger's answers were always quite amusing.

"They're playing chicken, baby." (For those who don't know Chicken is a game that involves two people [or in this case snails running [sliming full pelt at each other and at the very last minute one, or both, turn to miss the other.)

Peigi giggled, "Can we watch?"

Ranger glanced at Stephanie out of the corner of his eye. "I don't know, it'll take two and a half hours." All three of them were laughing now and they stood there for the next two and a half hours watching the snails play chicken.

000ooo000

LIE #8

As Ranger wrapped his arms around his beautiful wife in the kitchen her heard an exclamation from the living room where his young daughter sat in front of the television. "What is she watching?" Ranger whispered in her ear.

"Tennis," Stephanie replied with a half smile. Peigi had insisted on watching the boring sport all week.

"I'll be right back so we can continue this discussion." Entering the living room, he sat himself down on the arm of a chair and watched the television for a few moments. "What are you watching, honey?"

"Tennis, the guy in the pink just lost his shot at winning."

Ranger chuckled. His little girl was so intuitive, only four years old and able to learn the rules of such a complicated game. "A little known rule of tennis says you can throw your own poo at the other player while they're serving," Ranger said matter-of-factly. "But it's frowned upon in today's society."

"Can play tennis, Daddy?" Peigi asked.

"Of course you can, button," replied Stephanie coming in to see what her other half was up to.

Ranger leaned forward and whispered in Peigi's ear, "You'd better keep the poo rule between you and me."

000ooo000

LIE #9

The rain was pouring outside, but inside was nice and cosy as Stephanie sat in the rocky chair by the fire doing sudoku (a number game where you have to fill in the numbers from one to nine in rows, columns and squares for those who live under a rock). Peigi sat on her lap watching the numbers she pencilled in; her gaze was constantly moving from her mother's face to the page in front of her and back.

"Mummy, what are you doing?" she asked after about an hour of staring in wonder.

"Sudoku," replied Stephanie.

"Why?" Peigi enquired.

"It's how I receive coded messages from my communist masters," Stephanie replied, unable to hold back as she seized her opportunity.

Peigi frowned for a moment, her little eyebrows drawing together, her lips pursed. At that moment Ranger arrived home with Tank in tow.

"Uncle Tank!" Peigi shouted, leaping from her mother's lap and launching herself into the large man's arms. "What's a communist?" she asked him.

Both Ranger and Tank looked from Peigi to Stephanie a question in their eyes. Tank set her down on the couch and sat down next to her to explain about communists. Ranger stood in the doorway shaking his head in silent laughter. "Babe."