Never Let This Go
A/N::: Alright, totally different. But I love Paramore, so I gave it a try.
SONG- Never Let This Go
Disclaimer::: I don't own the song or series
zzzNzzz
Dee P.O.V
Maybe if my heart
stops beating
It won't hurt this much
"Josh?" I swallow hard and blink away tears. "We… need to talk." He smiles a hollow empty smile. One I see every morning when he says those three words that used to mean so much.
"Sure Deeds. Now? Or later?"
"Now, since we're both free." I grip the iron bars of the gazebo hard, trying to summon some courage. "The thing is…" I turn back to face him. " We… I think we should see other people."
And never will I have to
Answer again to anyone
My heart is thumping so hard against my rib cage. His smile slowly falls into a mask of pain and shock as different emotions cross his features. It's so painful to watch, I turn away and stare out at the little town I've been in all my life as a cold breeze hit my face and I closed my eyes against it. I wish I were the wind. I wouldn't have to feel this or answer any questions to anyone. I wouldn't have to see his disappointment. I'd just float by, feeling nothing.
"Why?" His voice is raspy, and I'm afraid of losing him again. Maybe I'll tell him it's all just a mean joke, a prank. That Dillon was hiding in a bush near the gazebo, and videotaping his reaction for America's Funniest Heartbreaks Pranks. That I wouldn't ever, ever imagine leaving him. That—
"Is it because of my clothes? My hair? The way I act or talk or walk? Is it because we're having a child? Whatever it is, tell me, Dee Dee. I'll change for the better. Please, Dee Dee. Don't do this." I've never heard Josh sound so… weak and vulnerable. He never pleaded. Maybe, I thought, hope filling me up, Maybe he will be different. Maybe he won't be so lovesick. Maybe— No. Stop. He won't be any different than he is now. The memory of her will always be with him forever. Forever and always, just like our marriage.
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
"Don't get me wrong, Josh. There's no one like you. I've always WANTED a guy like you. But the thing is…" The thing is that you're so hung over Cammie that you whispered her name when we first made love, and it hurt so badly, I cried for a week and stayed at Dillon's house. A tear streaked down my cheek and the icy wind bit my cheek, freezing the liquid mid-stream. "The thing is, you're not the guy anymore. You're not the Josh that I married, the one I've always wanted to be with. I…" I don't want to be alone. I love you. But you're so blind sighted by a passed girlfriend that you don't see me for me. You see me as her. I swallowed back the hate-filled words that would create havoc. It burned my throat as I swallowed hard as it went down burning like swallowing acid. "I want a real relationship. I feel like I don't know you anymore. I felt the small space between grow over the last couple weeks when you were out late." He flinched when I spit out the last words, but still wiped away a tear with the pad of his thumb as he stood next to me. Oh how I missed his touch. The sole of his thumb made my body come alive with different sensations; his warm breath on my neck, his hands working magic, touching my back, my legs, my face….
No. I squeeze the metal railing hard. Don't do this. Control. Stay in control. He touched my hand, but I zoned out the touch.
One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything's alright
"It's okay Dee Dee," he whispered. "We're alright. We'll be okay. Everything will be alright." His words make me want to slap some sense into him. Get real! Everything WON'T be okay! WE won't be okay! Not when you're lusting after a girl who dumped you and LIED to you! I wanted to scream. Instead, I pulled away from his touch.
"No, Josh. Everything won't be alright. We won't be alright. God Josh, why can't you see that? I'm sick and tired of hearing you say that everything's going to be okay over and over again! I bet ever you're tired of saying it! Open your damn eyes Josh! Cammie isn't going to ever come back. She's happy with Zach. And we were so happy. So happy, until you think you see her, and you run off. Ever since that incident in Langley, you've jumped every blonde girl you see. God, I'm so sick of all of it! You ruined your chance with her. And now you've ruined your chance with me." I wasn't angry at Cammie. Just annoyed at how she left him. She liked Josh. Even I could see that. But he's letting himself act like a lovesick puppy, and it's disgusting. And I can't go on like this. Not when my fiancée is hung over a lost lover. Not when I'm carrying his child. I'll raise it without him. I will not stay with this pup.
"Blew it with Cammie?" he sneers. I know I've gotten him angry. He gets all sarcastic and snarky when he is. "She dumped me. All I did was give her my attention. And I'm NOT hung over her. She's the past. I belong with you and you with me. How can you not see that Deeds? I went up to a girl one time. I thought it was my cousin, Ellie. And what about our child? You can't possibly raise it on your own." I set my jaw. No way was he going to convince me to stay. I have to go and leave this suffocating town.
Let this go
Let this go
"If you really love me Josh, you'll let us go. I need to go away while you heal. You can't do that while having me around. You need to figure it out on your own. If you actually want to be with me and this child or if you want to continue chasing Cameron." I make my voice soft and convincing like a mother lulling her child. "If you truly love me. If you really want to be with me, then let me go. Give me an opportunity to spread my wings. I'll come back when you're ready. Or you'll come find me, won't you?" My hand was on his cold wet cheek. I smile weakly. "Don't you think for a second that I'll forget you, Josh Abrams. I won't ever let this go. I'll hold you close to me always. But you need space, and I need to move around. You'll come find me, won't you?"
"But what will I do without you? You're my life, Dee Dee. I can't lose you. I won't lose you." He places his hand over my own. "Not you too," he whispers.
"You need to decide, Josh. Either search for her or stay with me. But I'll give you space. I'm going to go live with my grandparents down in Florida. I'll call you every week from there and when I land. I'm leaving today on airplane. I'd love for you to take me to the airport. Will you?" he nods mutely.
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And I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
As I board the plane, I can't help but realize that I'm doing the right thing. For the both of us, and for this child. We both need our space and time to think things through if we plan to stay together.
I don't want to be alone
I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him that I don't want to go. I didn't want to leave him or his side ever again. I wanted to stay by him forever. I don't want to be alone with this baby. A life I have to raise on my own and make it have the best life it could have.
I press my forehead against the cold glass. I'll be okay. Josh will always be with me forever. I won't let him go. Ever.
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A/N::: Okay, tell me what you think. REVIEW. OR I'LL SEND ACHMED THE DEAD TERRORIST TO KILL YOU! XD He's a good friend of mine. Joking. XP