Author's Note: So I'm rewriting some of this first chapter and I'll be adding chapter two tomorrow. NaNoWriMo is fast approaching and I'm planning on entering so I want to get this story finished before I start that project. Again, let me know what you think, don't pull any punches. I hope you all enjoy a peek into Logan's head through my eyes.

Disclaimer: Don't own Veronica Mars. Don't own much of anything really.

When Logan found out that he was wanted in the guidance counselor's office he couldn't have been less surprised. A grant to study the long-term effects of grief and an angry teenage boy with the unsolved murder of his first love still fodder for general consumption? Talk about a match made in hell. He steeled himself as he walked down the hallway toward the office, back straight, perpetual smirk firmly in place. He'd had years of abuse to help hone his acting skills, he knew that no one looking at him would have guess just how upset he was to have Lily's death dredged back up and served up for some stupid research paper, or how much it cost him every day to just keep breathing.

He hadn't counted on the fact that having someone willing to listen to him talk about Lily, about his anger towards Veronica, and the steaming pile of crap his life seemed to have become since that horrible October night would make it so hard to keep his mouth shut. He told Miss James that he blamed himself, which was true, that he blamed Veronica, also true, but saying that he didn't remember what Lily had been pissed at him about, that, well that was a lie.

He remembered every word of the fight that they'd had, the one that had given Lily a reason to skip out on the party the night he kissed Yolanda, the kiss that Veronica hadn't kept her mouth shut about.

She'd been cheating on him. Again. And he knew it. And she knew that he knew and made no effort to hide it. The fight started like they always did, with him screaming and her not bothering to hide her amusement over the way her actions got under his skin. His relationship with her, his friendship with Veronica and Duncan, those were the only real bright spots in his life and as the fight was winding down, he was fighting back tears and within inches of begging her to take him back. When he and Duncan had become friends, when he'd started dating Lily and Duncan had hooked up with Veronica, he'd gotten his first taste of what it might be like to have a family that gave a damn and was, at least moderately, normal. If he were honest he would have admitted that it wasn't losing Lily he was really afraid of but losing what being part of the Fab Four brought to his life.

He could still see the mocking smile she'd flashed when he'd told her that he was in love with her, he could still hear the amusement in her voice as she ripped the illusions that he had about his life apart.

------Flashback------

Lily sat at the edge of the Kane's pool, feet dangling into the cool water, she leaned back on her hands, back arched, showing her bikini clad figure off to full effect. She tilted her head down to look at Logan over the top of her sunglasses, her laughter ringing out, wildly inappropriate, and inappropriately wild. "Logan, I know you love me, I mean how could anyone not love someone as fabulous as me, but you aren't in love with me. We both know that you never were. It's been fun, don't get me wrong, but let's be honest, it was never about me. Veronica Mars is the girl you're in love with and if you thought for even one second that you could steal her away from Donut, you'd do whatever it took. But you're afraid that you're too broken for her." Her smile was mocking but behind the dark glass of her shades her eyes weren't unkind. She lifted her drink to her lips and took a gulp, fighting the urge to grimace as the alcohol burned its way down her throat.

She didn't know when she'd first realized that she wasn't the center of her boyfriend's world. She probably would have been pissed if it had been anyone but Veronica that had stolen his attention away from her. She could understand the attraction though. They were all drawn to Veronica. She didn't care about their wealth or who their parents were and there was an innocence about her, something that Lily and Logan had lost far too young. Duncan had his own reasons for wanting Veronica of course but Lily knew that in the end he wasn't the one that was going to show Veronica that she was strapless red satin. Logan might be up to that task though, if she could get him to admit his feelings.

She watched his eyes widen and admitted to herself that the stunned disbelief on his face was priceless. She could tell that the fact that she'd guessed his secret floored him. He thought he was such a great actor. She rolled her eyes and took another sip of her drink. "So do you want my help winning her away from Duncan or not?"

----End Flashback-------

He'd been furious with Lily, for figuring out that he thought about Veronica like that, for not being jealous or heartbroken over it, for having the nerve to offer to help him. He shook his head, trying to clear away the memories and all the feelings they brought to the surface. His refusal to admit that Lily was right was what she'd been pissed at him about. There she was, trying to be a bigger person and he'd had the nerve to get mad at her? Who the hell did he think he was? She stormed off, leaving him alone, and it was the last time he'd seen her alive.

So yeah, he blamed Veronica for Lily's death. If he hadn't loved Veronica, if Lily hadn't figured it out, if they hadn't fought about it, he and Lily would have gotten back together, he would have been there, he would have been able to save her.

He made Veronica's life hell, tormented her and tortured her, struggling to convince himself the whole time that it was hate that he felt, not love. It worked right up until the moment when Duncan had looked at him like he was crazy for suggesting that his mother was still alive and he knew that there was only one person in the world that he could turn too for help finding her.