"No, Mike. You're not coming," Stef said into the phone. "Because you're drunk," she hissed through clenched teeth, keeping her voice low through her frustration. "Mike, come on. You can't even talk without slurring your words." His voice came through the receiver spitting with anger. "Yelling at me isn't going to change anything. I didn't get you drunk. You can come next time if you can keep yourself sober for an afternoon." Stef leaned against the counter, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers, her eyes closed. Mike's voice grew quiet. She could hear the hurt in his silence and instantly regretted the comment. "I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't mean that. No, don't worry about Brandon." She glanced through the kitchen doorway to her son sitting on the living room floor. Just the sight of him playing happily helped her anger to begin edging away. "I'm dropping him off at my dad's like I was already planning. You can pick him up here tomorrow morning. Take the night to sober up, okay, Mike?" She clicked the phone off and set it back on its cradle.
"Hey, B!" she called as she walked to the living room.
"Mommy! Look!" Brandon pointed at his masterpiece lying on the floor. Pride beamed from his little face. Stef knelt beside him and picked up the picture. Only a green stick-dog was distinguishable amid the rainbow of crayon scribbles.
"It's beautiful, sweetie!" She grabbed him with one arm, pulling him close against her side and kissed the top of his head. He smelled of outside; dirt and grass and sweat. Stef kissed him again before tickling his belly, eliciting shrieks of laughter while he tried to roll away. Her attack continued and she gently pinned him to the rug with one hand. She tickled his neck, his belly, under an arm. Brandon squirmed and giggled, still trying to escape. When the excursion made his breathing grow shallow Stef eased up and pulled him onto her lap. His cheeks were flush and his eyes shown bright up at her. "I love you, B. And I always will."
"I love you, too, Mommy." Stef pulled her boy into her and felt her chest tighten when he wrapped his arms around her neck, squeezing gently. "Mommy, don't cry," he said, pulling back from their hug and looking at her. She blinked rapidly, trying to disperse the tears that had welled in her eyes.
"I'm not crying, baby. I just love you so much that sometimes some has to come out or I'll be too full." She smiled at his little furrowed brow. He was getting too old to fool this way. The truth was she was still so angry with Mike for being drunk this morning. She was tired of feeling like a single parent and emotionally exhausted from arguing every time she had to referee a grown man. But you don't tell that to a five year old. Instead, you plaster on a happy face and enjoy the light he brings you. Even on your darkest days. "You're getting too smart me for me, little man," she said before sighing heavily. His brown hair fell in a shaggy sweep across his forehead. She pushed it back, adding a haircut to her mental checklist that was already a mile long. "Sometimes Mommy gets sad and that's okay. It is always okay to show whatever you feel on the inside. But when Mommy is sad, it is never your fault and you don't have to worry about me, okay?" His face contorted in concentration and she smiled proudly as she watched him think about what she said.
"But Mommy you always make me feel better when I'm sad. Who makes you feel better?" A hiccup of laughter escaped as she looked at her child, full of amazement.
"You do, sweetheart. You always make me feel much better just by being you. But if I'm upset it's never your job to make me happy. Got it?"
He nodded confidently and she kissed his forehead. He wrapped his arms around her neck again and she relaxed into the embrace. These moments with her son made every exhausting second of life worth it. Letting it wash away the stress of the morning's argument, she welcomed the solace. Suddenly, he leaned back and put his little hands on her cheeks, pushing them together and forcing her lips out into a fish face. "Do it, Mommy!" He wiggled in anticipation, the tenderness of the moment gone as quickly as it had come.
Stef forced her voice up high and whined in an exaggerated English accent, "Mummy? Who is Mummy? It is I, Mrs. Crumplebottom! And you, young lad, must go get ready because you are off to see your grandfather!"
"Grampa!" Brandon squealed happily. He jumped up and ran down the hall to his bedroom.
"Just one toy," Stef called, dropping the accent. "You have lots of toys at Grandpa's." After pushing herself off the floor she went to the door, grabbed her purse, and slid on her shoes. Grabbing Brandon's Velcro sneakers as he padded down the hallway toward her she said, "Get your shoes on, kiddo. We've got to go." He sat on the floor to put his shoes on (the right feet on the first try this time) and they headed out the door; his favorite blue toy monkey in tow.
After getting Brandon settled into his booster seat they were on their way. The drive from the two bedroom house she and Mike rented, though since the separation she now occupied it solely with Brandon, was a half hour in decent traffic conditions. She checked her watch, aware that she was running late. Brandon was busy telling her of his recent adventure with Joe, the blue monkey. But she wasn't listening except to offer the occasional "Wow!" and "Cool!" to keep him satisfied. She was too preoccupied with the anxiety of being late. She glanced at her watch at each red light while drumming nervously against the steering wheel with her thumb. Being late to their first appointment would not make a great first impression. Finally there was a break in traffic and she sped the rest of the way, pulling into her dad's drive just five minutes later than she'd planned.
"The appointment is at one so I should be back to pick him up by three at the latest." Stef stood on the doorstep. She could see Brandon sitting in the living room, happily distracted by the cartoons he so rarely got to watch at home.
"Whenever you get here is fine. We'll be here." Her father was leaning against the door jam, his arms crossed casually in front of his chest.
"Thanks again, Dad." She said, turning to leave.
"So what's the big deal about this private school anyway?" Why did he have to wait until now when she was already running late to bring this up? Couldn't he have asked about it any other time in the week since she asked him to watch Brandon? Refraining from rolling her eyes, she gathered her already tried patience and turned her attention back to him.
"It's a charter school, Dad. It's a progressive school that emphasizes the arts as strongly as other academics. Plus they believe in a very hands-on learning and teaching style." Her father's blank stare remained unconvinced. "Look, it'll be a good opportunity for Brandon."
"Well, I just don't see what's wrong with a regular public school. You went to public school and you turned out fine." Stef stiffened with discomfort at what felt like criticism and looked down at her watch just to have somewhere else to look.
"Look, Dad, I don't have time to discuss this right now."
"And where is Mike? Is he meeting you there?" Stef sighed deeply, becoming frustrated. She didn't need a reminder of this morning's argument when she'd just started getting over it.
"That I definitely don't have time to discuss." She leaned up and pecked his cheek. "I gotta go. Thanks, Dad." She dashed to the car, almost jogging, before he could bring anything else up. Backing out of the drive way, she didn't exhale until she was around the corner. The rest of the way she was occupied rehearsing. It was a short drive from her dad's and she used the time to go over specifics, trying to ensure she didn't forget anything. She came up with a reasonable excuse for Mike not being there. Getting called into court to testify for a case sounded a lot better than staying home because he was drunk before noon. Pulling into the visitor parking lot, she passed the sign announcing Anchor Beach Community Charter School. She parked the car and checked her watch. Five minutes early. Being not only on time but early took a bit of the edge off. After fluffing her blonde bangs in the review mirror she took one more settling breath and exited the car.
She walked across the parking lot to the building marked "Main Office." Inside she was greeted warmly by a young man wearing thin wire-rimmed glasses sitting behind a small desk. "Welcome to Anchor Beach Charter School. My name is Gabriel. How may I help you?" His buck teeth showed when he smiled.
"Hi, I'm Stef Foster. I have an appointment at one for a walk-through."
"Oh yes. We're expecting you. Unfortunately, the vice principal has been detained in an emergency meeting this morning so our assistant vice principal will be showing you around. I'll let her know you're here."
"Thank you." Stef took a small step back as Gabriel picked up the phone to make the call. Her nerves were still a little jumpy and it took a lot of effort to keep from bouncing nervously on her toes. To distract herself she focused her attention on the drawings and announcements posted on the walls. There was a bulletin board with "Student of the Week" in bright yellow letters over the photo of a gawky girl who Stef guessed was about ten. She imagined Brandon's face on this board, wondering what he would have done to earn such an achievement.
"Mrs. Foster?" The voice caught her off guard.
"Uh, what?" She snapped back to the present. "Sorry. Yes?" Her cheeks grew warm, a bit embarrassed being caught daydreaming.
"Ms. Adams is just getting out of a meeting. It'll be a few minutes. You're welcome to wait here or outside if you'd like." He motioned to the chairs by the door.
"If you don't mind, I think I'll wait outside. I could use a little air."
"Not a problem. I'll send her out as soon as she's finished." He smiled, flashing his big front teeth again.
"Great. Thanks." Stef turned and left. Her face was warm, her nerves getting out of control again. She felt silly being so nervous. What was she nervous about? Shouldn't they be the ones worried about making a good impression, trying to convince her that her son needed to go here? Just outside the office building she found a bench and sat down. The campus was lovely. Behind her the sounds of merriment, laughter and chatter, came from children playing on a well-kept playground. The buildings all seemed to flow; seamlessly blending inside and outside. There were trees and flowers all around. It was so clean and well maintained. She laughed quietly to herself as she wondered how much of the yearly tuition went to landscaping.
"Sorry to keep you waiting." Stef startled at the sudden appearance of someone beside her. She'd been so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn't even heard her walk up. "Hi. I'm Lena Adams, the assistant vice principal."
Stef quickly tried to collect herself. Standing to shake the woman's hand she said, "Hi, I'm Stef Foster." The dark skin of the woman in front of her was shining in the afternoon sun. Her smile was warm and inviting. Stef's mind was blank and she struggled to think through her nerves. Why was she still so nervous? Her stomach fluttered anxiously and she stood there fighting to put a coherent thought together. Staring into the dark brown eyes of the woman across from her, she forced her foggy brain to work, finally becoming aware that she'd been shaking her hand too long. She loosened her grasp and let her arm fall to her side. The tangible silence between them was finally broken by Ms. Adams.
"So… you're son…"
"Uh, Brandon… is," Stef sputtered, "Brandon… right." She laughed sheepishly at herself.
"He will be starting kindergarten this fall?"
"Yes. He's five." She felt like her brain and her mouth had disconnected from each other. Her mind was dull and her tongue fought against her for every word.
"Great. Well, I would be glad to give you a tour, tell you about our school." Stef felt conspicuous under Ms. Adams' gaze. She looked directly at her without ever breaking eye contact and Stef couldn't figure out why it made her so uncomfortable. "Are we waiting for your husband to join?"
Stef looked away to cover herself while she tried to remember the lie she'd come up with. "Uh no. He's… not." Dammit what was she going to say? Her mind was completely blank again. "He uh," her pulse quickened as she pressured herself to come up with any excuse but there was nothing. Giving up she simply said, "He couldn't make it." She laughed again, embarrassed at her lack of composure and at the truth behind her being here alone. She wished Mike was with her. She knew she'd feel more secure if she didn't feel like she was hiding this shameful secret about their lives. But Ms. Adams laughed with her and though Stef was sure she could tell how nervous she was, she also felt a bit of relief. Even if it was strictly professionalism, the other woman showed no sign that she thought it suspicious that Stef was here without her husband.
"Okay. Well, um." Ms. Adams paused. Did she seem nervous, too? Stef wondered if maybe she didn't do walk-throughs very often. "Follow me," she finally said.
"Okay." Stef tugged on the bottom of her shirt before turning to follow her tour guide. Ms. Adams led them along a path that circled around the grassy area at the front of the campus.
"This is the grove. It is mostly used for recreation but is occasionally utilized for outdoor classes. It's the only outdoor common area used by the grade school as well as the middle and high schools. Its position right in front of the offices allows it to be closely monitored and grade school children are to always be accompanied by an adult when in this area. It's very important that all of the children feel they are safe at all times to promote the most learning-friendly, distraction-free environment possible." As they made their way toward the buildings behind the grove Stef thought she was beginning to feel better. Though still a little disoriented and finding it difficult to focus, walking around and having things to look at was helping to settle her nerves. Ms. Adams continued as they walked by a long building with a high arched roof.
"Here is one of the few buildings used by students of all grades. It is the music and theater hall. There is an auditorium where school plays are performed as well as fully equipped music rooms and practice rooms. We provide music and theater classes, small and large ensembles, as well as lessons taught by local professional musicians. Has your son shown any interest in music?" Ms. Adams had stopped in front of the building and was looking expectantly at Stef.
"What?" Stef chuckled, once again embarrassed by her inability to pay attention.
"Brandon. Does he like music?" She repeated patiently and smiled.
"Oh right. Yes, actually. He has one of those miniature keyboards. You know the ones you can change the type of sound it makes?" Ms. Adams nodded. "Well, he loves it," Stef felt a smile work its way onto her face. Talking about Brandon was easy. For the first time all day she began to feel calm.
"Actually, the first night he had it he took it to bed with him. He wouldn't put it down and eventually fell asleep with it tucked under the blanket!" She chortled as she told the story.
"Aw. That's sweet. I'm sure it was precious to see," Ms. Adams said. She spoke so genuinely even though Stef was sure she'd heard a million stories like it.
"It was. I actually took a picture. How could I resist? He was so cute snuggled up with his little keyboard."
"It must be one of his favorite toys." She was still looking at Stef as intently as she had been back by the bench.
"Second only to Joe." Stef rolled her eyes at the thought of the filthy toy.
"Let me guess. A teddy bear?" Her eyebrows rose knowingly.
"Close. He's a monkey." Ms. Adams nodded in understanding before Stef added matter-of-factly, "And so is Joe."
Cocking her head in confusion Ms. Adams said, "I'm sorry?"
"Sorry." Stef waved her hand as if trying to swat the remark away. "That was funnier in my head." She shrugged, "Most of my jokes are, actually." When she laughed the other woman joined her. In fact, it seemed to Stef that she laughed a little too hard but she assumed she was just being polite.
"Well," Ms. Adams said, having collected herself, "I'm looking forward to meeting them both. Shall we continue?" Stef was constantly aware of her unbroken gaze, though she was growing more used to it. She was very attentive, this Ms. Adams.
"Absolutely," Stef said, smiling. At this point she was feeling much more relaxed. They continued their tour through the grade school building and back to the science building. Resuming her informational commentary, Ms. Adams described the school and its policies in detail; often using buzz words like, "community teaching" and "exploratory learning." Occasionally she asked Stef a question but mostly Stef listened and tried to retain as much as possible. They ran into a few teachers and Stef was introduced to each of them, including the principal. Everyone was exceptionally welcoming and Stef was feeling very positive by the time they made it back to the main office. They stood by the entrance while they wrapped up their meeting.
"Alright. Well. Do you have any questions I can answer for you?" Stef almost didn't notice the constant eye contact anymore. Almost.
"No, I don't think so. I'm pretty much set with these." She waved the brightly colored pamphlets she'd been given when they had returned to the office. Ms. Adams smiled brightly.
"Alright then. Thank you for coming. I'll see you next Monday with your husband and Brandon."
"Great." Stef stretched out her hand, "It was very nice to meet you, Ms. Adams." As they shook hands she was careful, as she always was with other women, to grasp gently.
"Oh. Please, call me Lena," she insisted, smiling.
Grinning back Stef said, "Only if you call me Stef."
"Okay. Thank you again, Stef." She lingered on the name.
"No, thank you. We'll see you Monday, Lena." She finally broke their handshake and turned to walk out the door, aware that this time she had not been the one who'd held on too long.