It was surprisingly easy to hide it from her friends - she had no family. Her cover of being a doctor easily explained her long hours and erratic work schedule, and after all she had completed medical school before she became something more. The ease with which she lied did not mean she escaped guilt every time she did so. Clarke always thought it was the little things: she could explain why she had to be out of town for the week with ease, but she would struggle when asked how her day had been, or whether she liked her colleagues. She struggled with the simple, mundane questions, because how could she answer them, when her life was anything but mundane?
She supposed it would have been worse if she had any family still alive; lying to the people who'd brought her into the world. Never mind that they'd lied to her every day when they'd been alive. Perhaps that was why she was so good at her job: it ran in her blood. Despite both her parents' deaths under suspicious circumstances, it was only later that she discovered their connections to the ARK - the organisation Clarke currently worked for. Few even knew it existed, but the Griffin family had always been involved. The ARK focused on specialised missions, mostly to investigate conspiracy theories, or situations that the government wanted to keep strictly under wraps, which was why Clarke's friends were not aware of the true nature of her a job. For a lack of a better phrase…she was something of a secret agent.
She had been the perfect recruit for the ARK: an orphan (despite the parents deaths being ARK-orientated, she had been as yet unaware of the cause of their deaths - she didn't have the clearance,) a medical school background (which was a great asset in the field), and reasonable training in self-defence (she had not understood why her parents had pushed it, until it was too late). Of course, the fact that her parents had both been agents had benefited her greatly, and there was also the fact that she knew Director Jaha personally. She had been best friends with his son. He was gone now, as well.
The ARK had encouraged her to pursue a normal life. Director Jaha in particular pushed this, most likely because he felt guilt at the loss she had faced at the hands of the ARK. She did have a somewhat normal life outside the ARK. Her friends were incredible, she didn't know what she do without-
"Chop, chop," Octavia - Clarke's roommate - said, clapping her hands in front of Clarke's face. With a start, Clarke realised she had fazed out while sitting on their sofa, staring at a switched off television. It had been an exhausting day. "Clarke, we're leaving in ten. Miller will kill us if we're late." Clarke nodded at her roommate, jumping up and half-jogging to her bedroom to get changed. Miller was throwing Monty a surprise engagement party, which meant that all invited had to be prompt so as not to miss the 'surprise' part.
She glanced at her wardrobe. She wasn't a Fashion Queen like Octavia, nor did she have endless legs like Raven. She grimaced as she failed to find anything to wear.
As if Octavia could read her mind, she called from her own room, "I laid out the outfit I think you should wear. I thought maybe you'd be too exhausted from work to have planned it-"
"I love you, Tav!" Clarke shouted back. She could hear Octavia's laughter from the other room. A pair of black jeans were laid out on the duvet, coupled with a simple black-and-white strappy top that hugged Clarke in all the right places.
The cab dropped them off in just in time, if Miller's slight glare was anything to go by. There was no time for any greetings, and Miller instructed them to find a place to hide, quickly. Clarke ended up squished behind a curtain (yes, she was aware it was awful place to hide) with none other than Bellamy Blake.
"Hey," he whispered in her ear. Clarke put her finger up to her lips mockingly, and Bellamy rolled his eyes in return. She could feel his breath on her neck and Clarke suddenly felt nerves bubbling in her stomach. She cursed herself. As an agent she was supposed to remain composed, sharp-minded, and certainly not get any fucking butterflies in her stomach when in proximity to a man, whom she claimed, half the time, not even to like (this was not true).
It used to be. Looking back, Clarke was ashamed to say that, despite the fact that Bellamy was her roommate's older brother and therefore part of her quasi-family, they had not always seen eye-to-eye. He'd once believed her to be an uptight, privileged bitch, and she had once thought of him as an arrogant asshole. In fact, no-one got Clarke as riled up as Bellamy did. The usually composed Clarke would be ready to explode after just one well-placed comment.
They'd since realised they were more similar that they'd once thought: both were stubborn, fiercely loyal, and both had become the resident 'Mom' and 'Dad' of the group. Their arguments had now become more of a source of entertainment to them both, and Jasper had dubbed the disputes 'flanter' - a word Clarke refused to use herself. Bellamy was now perhaps the person that she trusted most in the world, not that she would ever admit that - their shared stubbornness was extremely apparent when feelings were involved.
"Surprise!" the group shouted out, and Clarke could only guess that Monty had walked in the room, so she threw the curtain off herself and Bellamy. She beamed at Monty's face - he looked the perfect mix of surprised and happy.
Temporarily, the exhaustion that Clarke had felt left her bones as she looked around, seeing the happiness of her friends. There must have been forty people in the apartment, and Clarke could see that the number included all her closest friends.
She quickly strode across the room and waited her turn to pull Monty into a tight hug.
"I'm so happy for you," Clarke whispered in his ear, before pulling Miller in as well. She was genuinely happy for her friends. It had been difficult for them; whilst Miller's dad had welcomed Monty with open arms, Monty's parents had been more reluctant, and Clarke was aware that they still didn't prove of the men being together. Clarke was glad they had told them to fuck it and got engaged anyway.
She was quickly pulled towards the sofa by Raven, who, after Clarke sat down, promptly placed her legs on Clarke's lap.
"I've missed you," she said.
"I haven't been anywhere," Clarke said.
"We just haven't seen you in a while, Clarke," Raven said. Clarke looked around the room. Bellamy was talking animatedly to his sister, whilst Wick was attempting to teach Murphy how to swim without actually being in a swimming pool. Jasper and Monty were sitting on the floor talking in hushed tones. Harper, Maya and Monroe were in the kitchen getting drinks, and plenty of her other acquaintances were dotted around the room. She realised that she really hadn't spent enough time with these amazing people recently. Her job always kept her incredibly busy and though she would only ever admit it to herself, she had been avoiding Bellamy for a while now.
"I'm sorry-" Clarke started, but was cut off by Raven.
"It's okay, Clarke. We know you are really busy, you're saving lives - it's important. But I'm glad you're here," Raven said, squeezing her hand. Clarke immediately felt guilty for neglecting her friends. It was an accidental side effect of the whole 'ignoring Bellamy' thing.
"How about you, me and Octavia grab coffee tomorrow?" Clarke offered.
"That sounds great," Raven said, beaming at Clarke. The conversation was interrupted by Jasper all but jumping on top of Clarke.
"Clarke! I haven't seen you in forever - it's like you're a chameleon," Jasper said, Clarke looked at him quizzically, and he paused reluctantly before explaining:
"Because they can camouflage themselves and I haven't seen you in- oh, never mind." Clarke laughed at her friend's ramblings and pulled him into a tight hug.
The festivities continued way into the night. Clarke had forgotten how much she loved Raven's sarcasm, Jasper's harebrained schemes, Lincoln's silent persona but reassuring smiles, the comfort she would get from Octavia or Monty and the good-natured bickering among the group. She felt safe among these people, and cursed herself for being selfish and avoiding them just because she didn't know how to deal with her own emotional shit with Bellamy. She hadn't seen him for most of the night, but as she glanced around the apartment her eyes landed on him talking to Echo, his ex-girlfriend. Clarke sighed. She had no right to be jealous. She decided to get some air, and headed towards the back door.
Clarke sat outside on the fire-escape, staring at the city below. She watched pedestrians amble down the street and cars as they whizzed past. She found herself smiling slightly at the old couple across the street, but then, realising she could never have that, her small smile turned into a frown. She hadn't realised how long it had been since she'd seen her friends - she had forgotten how long it'd been since she'd had a life outside the ARK.
Earlier today, she'd driven 50 miles chasing her target across the state, skydived out of a plane, and abseiled down a cliff to catch her target. It wasn't always like that - often her days were filled with mountains of paperwork explaining why the more adventurous events had happened in the first place. She was aware how movie-like her situation sounded, but it was different when it was your life. There wasn't the glamour or the laughs. Working for the ARK was gruelling and at times heart-breaking, but nevertheless rewarding.
"Rough day?" Bellamy questioned, as he walked onto the fire escape and took a seat next to her. Clarke was sure she didn't imagine the sympathy in his eyes.
"Yeah, it was…particularly bad. How'd you know?" she said. It worried her sometimes how well Bellamy could read her. She didn't go into any further detail, and as usual Bellamy didn't press her. Instead, they sat on the fire escape in comfortable silence. She wasn't sure why, but Bellamy rarely asked about her job - she didn't mind, it was one less person she had to lie to - but it was odd, as they talked so deeply about everything else.
"I know you, Clarke." Bellamy appeared to enjoy that phase and used it frequently. How could she begin to explain that Bellamy did not fully know her, that no-one did? As full-on teenage angst as it sounded, it was true. Her friends were are not aware of a major part of her life - in fact she had to lie to them all the time.
"Hmmm." Clarke said, noncommittally.
"I've missed you," Bellamy said.
"I haven't been anywhere-" Clarke protested, but she was of aware of how many times she'd uttered the phase that particular night and that her friends had noticed her absence.
"We both know that's a lie, Clarke. I understand why you've been avoiding me," Bellamy said.
"I haven't been avoiding y-" Clarke protested yet again, but she knew it was futile. Bellamy soon cut her off.
"You have, I- look- if it's about the kiss, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I gave into an impulsive desire and I can see how uncomfortable it made you," Bellamy said. Clarke felt tears welling in her eyes from the pure vulnerability on his face.
"It didn't make me feel uncomfortable. We both know I was a willing participant… It just complicated things, Bellamy," Clarke said.
"It's not complicated, it's simple, you and me - it's always been simple," he turned to her and grabbed her hands, laced their fingers together. "I think you're incredible," Bellamy said, but Clarke scoffed. "Clarke, I'm serious, you're intelligent, and courageous, and fuck, you're so beautiful," Bellamy said, choking on his words slightly.
Clarke took a deep breath. How could she communicate to a man that she cared deeply about (possibly loved) that they could never have a real relationship, because she was a fucking spy?
"Bellamy, we can't," Clarke whispered. She glanced at Bellamy's pained expression and abruptly wrenched her hands from his. Shalked back into the apartment, and briefly looked at her friends, who were all having far too much fun to notice her silently slip out of the door. She waited until it was firmly shut behind her before she let the tears pour down her face.
Clarke was not looking forward to her coffee with Raven and Octavia, knowing the number of questions she was going to get bombarded with. She was therefore surprised when neither of her friends mentioned the fact that she had left without saying goodbye. Instead they discussed Octavia's new job and Raven's ongoing feud with the delivery man, but at some point Clarke knew she was going to have to speak properly to her two best friends.
"I'm sorry I left last night without saying goodbye," Clarke said, interrupting Raven mid-flow.
"We were wondering when you were going to bring that up," Octavia said, looking somewhat mischievous. Raven had a smirk on her face.
"What, has Bellamy-" Clarke began, then silently berated herself for mentioning his name.
"Bellamy has refused to talk to us about it, he says that it will make you feel uncomfortable," Octavia said.
"It's complicated," Clarke muttered.
"Bellamy's in love with you, Clarke. But he's the most selfless person I know, for the people he loves, and if you don't feel the same way, he'll accept that," Octavia said.
"But I think you do feel the same way. Love isn't a weakness, Clarke, it's okay to love Bellamy and for him to love you in return," Raven continued, and Clarke recognised the attempted to encourage her. She sat there speechless at both her friends' words, unsure what to say in return. After all, she couldn't tell them the real reason the situation was complicated.
"I just can't," Clarke said. Her friends didn't add anything else on the topic, having each said their piece.
As Clarke walked home, she pulled her scarf tighter around her, and her mind running over the whole situation. Jaha had only given her the weekend off; she had one more day before her life would continue as it always did. She would go back to tracking down the main criminal groups the ARK was targeting - the Mountain Men and the Reapers. She would push Bellamy Blake out of her mind, because they couldn't be more - they just couldn't be. It didn't matter that he was intelligent…and that she loved him (because of course she loved him - it was Bellamy, how could she not?) She was living a double life, and they could never be more than they ever had been: friends.
She walked into her apartment, pouring herself a glass of wine before siting on the couch and putting her legs up on the coffee table. She stared at the television screen, unsure what to do with her sudden free time. She decided to paint. If her painting began to turn into the face of Bellamy Blake then that was her own business.
She thought back to that kiss, the way she'd melted into him, and how he'd held her so tightly, like he never wanted to let go. Clarke had felt safe and loved all at once. And so, naturally, she had pushed him away.
He'd apologised profusely, but Clarke had shaken her head, muttering that it wasn't his fault. They'd both been drunk of course, but were both aware that the alcohol had only given them courage to do what they'd always wanted to do sober. It had been on her doorstep, he'd walked her home and then said goodnight and kissed her - she was aware that it was a cliche. But since everything else in her life was the exact opposite, she'd allowed herself to indulge in Bellamy's lips just this once. God - she loved him.
The weekend came and went, and then Clarke was back at work. The Reaper gang was selling hard drugs again, and so far Clarke and her partner Anya had only been able to track the movements of its members, who seemed to seal most of their deals in the forest, where there was no CCTV and it was extremely difficult to do any surveillance.
The two women sat in silence as they read through everything their source (who went by 'Lincoln') had managed to scrounge. There were thousands of paper copies, but nothing that could cause any arrests.
"How was your weekend off?" Anya asked. Clarke looked up in surprise. Anya was never usually one to make small talk. Clearly her partner noticed her surprised look. "We are friends - friends ask about what each other did at the weekend."
Clarke nodded in response, still a little shocked.
"It was nice. I managed to spend some much needed time with my group from college," she answered.
"Did they ask any questions?" Anya asked.
"No more than usual. Just a lot of hints about me not being around much recently," Clarke answered.
"Well, that's not got anything to do with your work and everything to do with Bellamy," Anya said.
Clarke stared at her. "How did you know that?"
"I'm a spy, Clarke," Anya deadpanned, as Clarke took a sip of water trying to contain her sudden nerves. "Anyway, any idiot could tell you like the guy: you always blush slightly when you talk about him, you're happier any day that you've seen him or know you are going to see him, and-" she broke off as Clarke started violently coughing.
"I- I-" Clarke stammered.
"I don't think I have ever seen you speechless, Clarke Griffin," Anya said as Clarke sat there in silence. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she was about to say. There were few people she could discuss her current predicament with, but Anya was one of them.
"Have you ever tried to have a relationship with someone that doesn't know?" Clarke asked.
"Yes, once - he died. He never knew. I loved him and he loved me, without him knowing- I would have told him one day…" Anya trailed off, obviously thinking about what could have been. "But if you think he's the one - Clarke, you can't hold it back. You don't have to tell him, but don't shut up your heart."
Clarke looked at Anya, shocked. It was the most she'd ever heard her partner say in one go, and her words had been utterly heartfelt.
"Thank you," Clarke rasped. Anya nodded, before they both returned to their work in silence.
Clarke had thought deeply about what Anya had said, but she also remembered what had happened to Lexa, whose partner had been kidnapped after a group wanted to punish her. Costia had been tortured and beaten. Though Lexa and Clarke herself had eventually tracked her captors down, Lexa had eventually decided that love was weakness if meant allowing yourself and others to get hurt. Costia now had a new identity and was living somewhere in Minnesota. Lexa had since sworn off all relationships, though Clarke had always thought that Lexa had a soft spot for her. She and Bellamy couldn't work, because quite apart from the lies, she might be placing him danger - and she would not be able to cope with the pain and guilt that she would feel if Bellamy ever got hurt.
She opened the door of the apartment later to find Bellamy and Octavia on the couch watching a movie. She sighed. She felt truly exhausted and didn't know what to say to him or how to act around him right now. Both Bellamy and Octavia turned their heads. It was 1AM, so not ridiculously late, but all Clarke wanted to do was crawl in front of the TV. Though of course, she couldn't, because Bellamy was there.
"Hey," Octavia greeted. "Come and join us," she said. Clarke shook her head slowly and couldn't help but glance at Bellamy, who rolled his eyes.
"Come on, Clarke - it's one o'clock in the morning. Just sit and veg in front of the TV, don't let my feelings stop you," Bellamy said. Clarke nodded, slightly shocked at his words, but too tired to form any real argument. Instead, she took a seat in the gap between him and Octavia.
"Clarke, you look exhausted," Octavia commented. Clarke nodded. She knew she should probably go to bed, but she was comfortable sitting between her best friend and her - No, she thought, she wouldn't let her mind wander like that. They watched television in silence. Clarke was too tired to fully engage with what was on screen, and within minutes she was asleep.
"O's at work. You need to take better care of yourself, Clarke," Bellamy said, and she could see that he was working on a batch of his infamous blueberry pancakes.
"Thank you," Clarke said, before taking a stool at the kitchen island. She couldn't help the fact that her heart skipped a beat at seeing Bellamy in her kitchen. She cursed herself once again as all of her training seemed to go out of the window.
Bellamy suddenly twirled around to face her, still stirring the mixture in a bowl. He looked very serious, and Clarke felt like she was not awake enough for the conversation they was about to have.
"I've thought about this, Clarke, the whole you-and-me thing. I've realised that I believe in us and I'm going to fight for you. You never said 'no', Clarke, you've never said that you don't feel the same way-"
"Bellamy, we can't." Clarke interrupted.
"Why not? I know you feel this too. I thought that I would give you some time - you always need time - but then you would see how amazing we would be together. I'd understand if you just didn't feel the same way, but you do-"
"Bellamy, it's just not that simple."
"It is - you and me. Together. It's simple as can be."
"I can't. There are things you don't know. I'm a mess, I'm a workaholic-"
"Is that what it is?"
"Yes, Bellamy. I don't have time for a relationship."
"Is this all to do with your work?" Bellamy questioned, suddenly looking relieved, although Clarke had no clue as to why.
"Yes. I don't have time for a relationship right now," Clarke said firmly.
"No, that's not it. The reason you think we shouldn't be together is because you're worried about lying to me." Clarke struggled to hold back her surprised gasp, her mind racing through every possibility.
"Bellamy, why would I lie to you?" Clarke said, somewhat surprised at how calm her voice sounded (it seemed her training had finally come into action).
"Clarke, give it up. I know you're…an agent, or a spy, or whatever you want to call it," Bellamy said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world - it wasn't. Clarke was rendered speechless.
"W-What?" She finally managed to splutter out.
"Clarke, I've known for a while now. Don't worry, the others have no idea-" Bellamy said.
"How?" She interrupted. Clarke was good at her job. "You shouldn't know, Bellamy, you can't know- We would have to be married and-" Clarke rambled.
"Clarke, no one needs to know that I know. I- I- notice things when it's comes to you and- You always have a few too many bruises for being a doctor. You never mention any of your colleagues, you go away far too often - and don't think I haven't noticed the various guns you have around the house. Don't even get me started on the knives. I haven't yet seen any poison but-"
"Bellamy?" Clarke said, stepping closer to him. "You know that I -" she paused and rephrased the question, "you know what I do for a living?"
"I know you, Clarke," Bellamy said.
Clarke let out a stuttered, "Oh," not knowing what else to say, and wondering if she might actually be very bad at her job.
"Yeah - this changes stuff?" Bellamy questions, noticing the intense look in her eye.
"This changes everything," Clarke said, smiling. She could do little more than stare at the man in front of her. He understood who she really was, and more than that, he appeared fine with it, nonchalant in a way that only Bellamy could convey. He'd broken out into a smile at her words. Of course they'd have things to discuss, but right now all Clarke wanted to do was kiss him.
Which she did. Again and again, and again.