Comforting Confusion
Rating/Warnings: M for language and incestuous sexual contact. Non-explicit contact, but it's still incest.
Disclaimer: It's Maki Murakami's sandbox; I just play in it. I don't own the rights to the series or its characters, nor do I profit financially from them.
Summary: Tatsuha attempts to speak to Eiri after his return to Kyoto from New York but the best he can do is comfort him.
Word Count: 948 words excluding introduction and author's note.
First time posting at LJ, Gurabite and FFN the same day (barely).
Tatsuha didn't understand why his brother, who used to play with him and always acted like he liked him, hardly ever talked to him anymore and edged away when Tatsuha tried to talk to him. Was it something he'd done? Or was it because Eiri had been away for so long? Maybe he didn't like him any more. Maybe he found other boys he liked better.
Although Mika was as loving a sister and mother substitute as it was possible for her to be, he had missed having another boy around the house while his brother was gone. From what he could tell by what the grownups said in unguarded moments, Eiri went away because he was being picked on by his classmates because of his looks. Tatsuha, however, didn't understand what the big deal was. After all, didn't Eiri look exactly like a paler, older version of him? No one questioned his heritage or parentage; why question Eiri's?
Eiri being all withdrawn and not interested in having fun with him was annoying and sad at the same time. The grownups said to give Eiri time. Time for what? What had happened in New York to make him like this?
Maybe there was something he could do to cheer Eiri up. Determined to take the initiative, he quietly slid open the door to his brother's room. He knew from bitter experience that to knock first would only provoke a loud (and often profane) outburst.
He saw a lump lying on Eiri's futon in the corner of the room. He walked over and knelt next to it.
"Hello," he said to the lump. "I wanted to see you."
"Go away," the lump said. "I don't need you."
"Aniki," the boy pleaded, "come on. Don't be this way."
"Sorry to spoil your mood," the lump muttered. "No disrespect to you or Mika, but I'd be happier if I were anywhere but here."
"But it's your home!"
"In case you hadn't noticed, this place is a graveyard. The temple means shit to me anyway, and family – I love you and Mika, but I don't have any family."
"Why are you being so mean, Eiri?"
"Leave me alone! Go away!"
Tatsuha shook his head, confused. Talking wasn't helping.
He remembered a simpler time when they would sit with their backs against the trunk of the large weeping willow in the temple garden and throw stones across the koi pond. He remembered wrestling and affectionate hugs. Perhaps a hug and some physical affection was what his brother needed.
All in one motion, Tatsuha rolled on his side and stretched out, embracing Eiri from behind.
"What are you doing?" Eiri muttered. "Get off of me!"
But he said it in a low, husky tone. As it didn't sound as if he meant it, and since Tatsuha could think of no other way to coax his brother out of his shell, he continued to hug him.
Eiri lapsed into silence. All Tatsuha could hear was the sound of their breathing. Eiri's breath was starting to sound ragged and forced, however, so Tatsuha stopped hugging him, worried that he was holding him too hard and it was affecting his breathing.
"Don't --" Eiri said. "Don't move your hand away. That feels nice."
It was working! Eiri said so. Tatsuha hurried to put his arm and hand back where they had been.
They remained that way for awhile; then Tatsuha started rubbing Eiri's chest and arm with his hand, using slow, gentle strokes.
For his part, Eiri was glad for some human contact, especially from Tatsuha, who had always accepted him for who he was, had never teased him and never made remarks about his looks. But this was starting to get weird. He hadn't been touched like this since-- Well, since the murder. He wasn't going to think about the rape. He visualized himself putting his fingers in his ears, hoping that would make the thought go away.
It didn't work. Feelings he had suppressed since returning from New York were resurfacing. For gods' sakes, he was beginning to get HARD! From being stroked in what he was sure was intended to be a very non-sexual way by his little brother! If he laid a hand on Tatsuha – if he acted on his urges – wouldn't he be the same as Kitazawa?
He felt like Yuki had infected him in a perverse game of tag, that he was the child molester now.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tatsuha returned to his room a very confused boy. What had just happened? Yes, ianiki/i had let him stay in his room without kicking him out or shooing him away, had let him comfort and stroke him, but what had happened then?
Tatsuha felt both ecstatic and scared. How could something so painful and odd create such good sensations? But the really good sensations didn't last that long. They just left him with an overall feeling of warmth and well-being. Why was that? Why was that really good feeling so fleeting?
And what was it with that previously useless appendage of his? Is that what it was used for? He had masturbated before, but without knowing what it was he was doing or exactly what adults used that organ for. Being a monk's son, he was rather sheltered. The other kids didn't share their dirty secrets with him for fear he was a goody-two-shoes tattletale.
This was a drug he wanted more of. And only his brother dispensed it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A/N – This was originally intended to be part of a longer story that I've been neglecting in favor of my 30_kisses stories but I've since decided, for various reasons, not to include it, so I polished it and here it is!
This is as much of, and as explicit, an Uesugicest fic as I'm ever likely to write. If Eiri and Tatsuha ever had a sexual relationship (and that's a big if, in my opinion), this seems the most likely way for it to start. The story is open-ended enough so that the reader can decide for herself or himself what happened.
Thanks go to my beta, HawkClowd, for kicking my butt on this one.