AN: I know, I know, it's been quite a long time since I've been here. I don't know how good this will be but here's a oneshot that I can't get out of my head. While this is Esme/Edward, it is a mother/son relationship fic. The song is Hate Me by Blue October, I'm just editing it a bit to fit my idea:D
Esme
I told Bella years ago about how I tried to kill myself after losing my baby boy, and she connected the dots on why I focus so much of my attention on my 'kids'. I need to mother. Ever since I was a little girl I was in "mommy-mode" as Carlisle calls it. I can remember my own mother telling the story of how I forgot my doll, Cynthia, when we went camping once and I gathered rocks for my babies. It has always been a part of me, this mothering instinct.
And now here it is, Mother's day, and I remember the first mother's day when my new son Edward broke my heart. I wasn't but five years old in vampire years, but I had calmed enough with Carlisle's help that Edward felt he could handle me on his own. Edward was so frustrated with constantly fighting back. He was only fifteen, and oh so headstrong. He decided that if he only drank from bad people he would be fine.
When Edward left, he said, "There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain, an ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space." When I blatantly and in no uncertain terms told him No, I was never giving up on him, he went for the kill. "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you."
My second son was gone for almost a decade. I clung to Carlisle during that time feeling like I was the reason he left. I missed my boys. I honestly thought he would never come back. We never heard from him.
Then, he should up on our door step ten years after he left on mother's day. I helped in any way that I could to make him feel better about himself. Over the years our family grew. I gained a daughter who eventually brought another son. They sometimes would live on their own, but always stayed close. Still, I worried about Edward. He still hated himself for killing all those people. He was so alone. I was hopeful when we lived near the Denali's. Surely between three single, bright, beautiful vampires he could find a mate. Despite all of Tanya's efforts, he would never consider her.
We finally moved to Forks, Washington and one day after the spring semester of High School started, Carlisle came home with a note that said, "Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow, hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. Mom, I almost lost it today because of some stupid, little, succulent girl. I don't know if I'll come back yet."
I cried for five days until he came back.
Slowly, he brought Bella into our lives. Rosalie hated her, Alice wouldn't let any of us forget her, and Emmett and Jasper were constantly betting on when Edward was going to change her –Accidentally or on purpose.
I never wanted to throw another birthday party in my life after what happened at Bella's 18th. Edward left again. A message was on my voicemail. "I'm sober now for sixty years, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again. In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I'll drive so very far away that I never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind."
And I would have. If it had been back in the thirties when cell phones didn't exist. I called him every day. I left almost the same message, every day. "("Hi Edward, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you are doing. You sounded really uptight last night. It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too. I just wanted to make sure you were really OK, And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication. You know I love you, and... Take care honey I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye-bye."
He had promised me when he wrote my song that he would never leave me again. I should have known he was too stubborn for to hold to his promise. This time was different. He made the rest of us love Bella just as much as he did. Even Rose. Jasper hated that he was the catalyst for our move. I thought ten years without my son was hard. It was harder having four other children grieve the loss of the oldest brother and a new sister.
When we got the call from Alice that he was trying to kill himself, oh I can't imagine finding the words to explain my horror. Carlisle literally pulled me away from the airport to keep me from charging after him. I screamed and fought and cried in the Vampire way. Everyone else froze. I wanted my boy back and he wanted to end his life.
Jasper let us know that they were almost to SeaTac and I screamed with such joy a Baptist in backwoods Tennessee would be jealous. When I saw him coming through the security gate I squeezed him so tightly that he should have fractured. I whispered, "How could you do this to me?"
And now here we are. So many years later and not only do I have six children, but a granddaughter who is about to become a mother herself. My life is filled with such joy now. My son may have tried to make me hate him, but in the end, he made me happier than I could have possibly imagined.
Happy Mother's Day. Tell your mother that you love her.