Just to reiterate what I have already put in the story summary that there is a theme of mental illnesses involved in this story, quite a dark story too, so just thought it would be best to point it out once more so that anybody who doesn't necessarily want to read about these sort of topics doesn't continue.
Tears stung her worn out eyes and she quickly tried her hardest to blink them back as she hopelessly rocked the new born baby in her arms, it feeling as though the tiny human being she was holding was increasing in weight by the second, she had been doing this for around an hour and she was beginning to think it would never end, that he would never stop crying, why couldn't she settle him? He always seemed to settle so much quicker for his father, or grandmother. She sighed in relief as she noticed his eyes finally shut with one last blink, and a tear rolled down her cheek as she watched the gentle rise and fall of his tiny chest. Michelle carefully took a seat on the sofa, manoeuvring her legs slowly so she could lie down, her head comfortably resting on the arm as she held the tiny child close to her chest, finally allowing her eyes to close, knowing by Ryan's usual standards he would be awake again within the hour. Her mind raced with the thoughts of the previous few weeks, she couldn't quite believe how much her life had changed and it truly felt like it had been tipped upside down. Nothing was the same anymore, she had been warned but nothing could have prepared her for motherhood, she felt like a completely different person, and it scared her to think she may never return to her usual self, it had been a month since she had given birth to her son, but to Michelle it felt like years, every time she took a glance at herself in a passing mirror, she almost felt like she didn't recognise the figure staring back at her.
In her exhausted state she didn't acknowledge Dean enter the room, nor did she feel him take their son from her arms, pulling a blanket over her before leaving the room and slowly shutting the door behind him, proudly carrying his son through to the other room. Michelle was amazed at how well Dean had taken to parenthood. He was completely natural, and she had no doubt in her mind that Ryan would idolise his father as he grew up, it was her who she felt was failing in the role, and due to the how busy she was with having a new born, nobody had noticed how little she had been eating, nor how she had ignoring her own needs, the way she had been acting would normally have sent alarm bells ringing in her parents heads, however they had quickly dismissed Michelle's exhaustion and purely blamed it on the baby, the truth was this felt like the only thing Michelle could control in her life at the moment, she knew she should be grateful of the supportive network she had in hers and Dean's family, a newborn is never easy, especially not for a 15 year old school girl, however she despised not being independent anymore, there was always somebody looking over her shoulder and she couldn't see that ending any time soon, by restricting herself of food she felt some sort of self control, it also didn't help that she heard the words of several classmates spinning around her mind, the ones who didn't know of her pregnancy and constantly commented on her increasing weight, at least this way she was proving them wrong and wouldn't be the over weight one next time they saw her.
Michelle eventually woke up as she heard the faint cry of a baby, instantly snapping her eyes open before sighing and leaning back against the cushions as she realised Ryan wasn't in her arms, the sense of relief was incredible, she felt guilty for feeling this way, but with every sleepless night and unsettled day she found herself resenting him, her own son, the small innocent young baby and she hated herself for it. Michelle had attempted to talk to her mother several weeks ago, but Helen was adamant it was just her adapting to becoming a mother and that it was 'completely normal' Michelle couldn't help but sigh, she knew this wasn't normal, resenting your own child wasn't normal. She felt deflated, she had sworn to her mother months ago that she would prove her wrong when she had suggested that Michelle should have a termination, but Michelle had been her usual determined feisty self, she was certain to prove her mother wrong, yet here she was feeling the complete opposite, she felt unbelievably disappointed in herself, but she couldn't talk to anyone else, her own mother had dismissed it so surely so would everybody else. Her brothers were too busy to notice anything and she had very little contact with any of her school friends since she had left to have Ryan. Michelle sobbed gently, tucking her legs underneath herself as she finally realised just how alone she felt, she just wished she had somebody that she could talk to, somebody to help to try and understand the feelings she was having.
Hearing the front door opening and the sound of footsteps nearing to the living room, Michelle quickly wiped at her eyes with her sleeve, attempting to disguise her emotional state, knowing that if anybody asked her if she was OK, she would probably burst into tears and never stop, she would have to do what she had been doing for weeks and try her very hardest to act like she was coping. The door slowly opens and she awaits for her brothers to come in and take over the television or something but instead it is not Paul or Liam, instead she see's Carla enter the room, despite never seeing eye to eye all of the time, Michelle was grateful that it was her, because she was guaranteed no soppiness, which was exactly what she needed right now, and for what feels like the first time in ages, she gives the older girl a faint smile as she takes a place next to her.