Pain: Pein/ Konan
Pain without love…
I've never actually had someone love me. My parents were, well laughably non-existent. Boyfriends? Forget it. Don't know why, just never had one.
Pain, I can't get enough…
But there's something about getting hurt that's oddly freeing. When you're in pain, by the hands of other people…it's an escape, because you know it's NOT your fault.
Pain, I like it rough…
Pretty soon, I intentionally stood up to bullies that were stronger then me. The fact that it was the right thing to do, was only what I told myself the reason was. I did it, so I could feel that moment of freedom. That addicting high, of getting hit, the dull ache of verbal abuse. I'm twisted, and I know it.
'Cause I'd rather feel pain, then nothing at all.
It's because, inside I'm empty. There's nothing but an hallow space in my chest, where a heart should be. We all have ways to feel alive, and this is mine. Hit me, yell at me…because you're doing me a favor. I need it…I need pain to exist. Because I have nothing else.
You're sick of feeling numb…well you're not the only one.
One day, I was sitting there…while some girls kicked me. They punched me, and called me names. I sat there, and I smiled. They ran away screaming that I was creepy and twisted. Damn right I am. A boy walked up to me, his eyes cold, but blazing at the same time. "What is your problem?"
"Hm?"
"You just let them hurt you."
"I like pain. It makes me feel alive…because there's nothing else in me. I'm numb." He nodded and I could see his eyes clearly now…they were the same as mine. He's numb too.
I'll take you by the hand, and show you a world you can understand.
He extended his hand to me, and pulled me up. He asked me to follow him. I did. What else would I do? I wasn't going to pass up someone who may have understood me. He talked, and I listened. He said he was going to be a ninja, and start a group of strong people who had the same goal as him. I asked him… "what's your goal?"
"Peace…no one treated like I was. When I destroy all the bad things, and people. Peace, will be left." It made sense to me, and he became something of an idol to me. Someone who had been hurt, but still had an admiral goal.
This life is filled with hurt, when happiness doesn't work.
One day, I asked him what his name was… "Pein," he responded. After that, I found myself enjoying the time I spent with him more and more. It was psychological that I wanted to be around him…after-all Pein and pain sound very much alike. He gave me a present one day, a blade. Actually it was one of his kunai. Pein had told me that it was for when no one else was around to hurt me.
Trust me, and take my hand. When the lights go out you'll understand.
After he had taken me home, in the darkness of my home, I first put the kunai to my wrist. It was that night, I understood. Pein had given me a tool for my freedom.
Pain, without love…
I think it was then, that I began to fall in love with him. I didn't dare act on my feelings, for fear that he would leave me. I wouldn't have been able to deal with that. So I lied, to him…and to myself.
Pain, I can't get enough…
Even so, I wanted more time with him, more time to talk, and more time to feel at peace. He was my only other cure, but also my problem. I knew he would never love me, so I cut myself more…but using his kunai made me feel connected to him. So it was a vicious circle, one that I couldn't get out of, nor wanted to.
Pain, I like it rough.
I could have run away, and never seen him again. But I liked the hurt he gave me…it made me feel alive. And it was him who did that to me…I wanted him. I needed him. Pein became a dangerous obsession with me…
'Cause I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all.
Why run, when he made me feel…what I called happy? A twisted happiness, but happiness none the less.
Anger and agony, are better then misery.
Pein told me, "be angry at who caused your life to be like this. Take that, and train with me. I'll teach you to be a good ninja…and you can help me accomplish my dream. What good is sitting at home crying, when you can make things better, and help me?" That was the closest thing I'd ever heard…to I love you. He wanted me there, Pein wanted me at his side to achieve his goals. I wouldn't be just a comfort either, I'd be useful.
Trust me, I've got a plan.
Pein told me trust him, and he'd take care of me. I'd become strong under his protection and I would be useful.
When the lights go out you'll understand.
I'm lying here, in my bed. I understand everything now. I was put on this planet, to help Pein. I was made to hurt, and I was created to be in pain. I still have escapes though, and no one will take him from me. I'd kill them before they could. And now and then, I still take out that kunai…it's my favorite one.
A/N: I had an angst moment, and this story was killing my head trying to get out. I AM NOT EMO, AND I DO NOT CUT. Just putting that out there. Seriously, I don't. I just felt angsty. :D