Chapter 1
Olivia Benson sat at her desk. She was going over the final paper work on the latest case. A 33 year old male found stabbed to death in a garbage can with no clothes on. It was the victims own daughter. He was molesting her for 12 years. She was now 17, and the jury thankfully took pity on her. She was the true victim.
After being on the Special Victims Unit as long as Detective Benson had nothing shocked her anymore.
Her partner was Detective Elliot Stabler. He was divorced with 5 children.
Olivia had no one.
She didn't have a boyfriend because she was too into work.
She took a deep sigh and signed the last paper and closed the file folder. She rubbed her face with both hands.
"Hey you ok?" a voice came from beside her. It was Detective John Munch. A fellow SVU detective.
"Yea," Olivia said looking up from her hands, "just a long day that's all."
"Do you need a ride home?"
"No I'm ok I'll take a cab."
"Are you sure?"
"Yea thanks anyway," she said with a fake smile.
"Ok have a goodnight. And get some sleep."
"I will Munch, goodnight."
As Detective Munch walked away Olivia grabbed her bag and jacket. She locked up all the drawers in her desk. And placed her keys in her pocket. Then she left the station.
The yellow taxi cab stopped in front of her apartment, she paid the cabby got out just as she did every other night.
As she was walking up the steps to the 3rd floor she was ready to just fall over right there in the hallway. She was exhausted.
She walked in the door to her apartment. She placed her keys in the bowl on the table beside the door, and shut the door behind her. She walked into the kitchen and placed her bag on the counter. She opened the refrigerator door and stood there a moment looking for something good to drink.
Finally she found a beer in the way back. After a day like she had today, she deserved it. She shut the door and cracked open the beer. She took her jacket off and walked over to the coat hook and hung it up.
She walked over to the couch and sat down, with one foot folded under her. She took her gun and badge and placed them on the table. She was home now. She was safe now. She was alone.
She just sat there thinking, thinking about all that she had seen on the job. All the murder. All the abuse. All the rape. All the abandonment. And the day that was going to come.
She loved her job. It kept her sane. Knowing that she was the one that helped so many get closure was comforting to her. Knowing that she made the world safer helped with the insomnia. Insomnia that ironically was caused buy the job too.
Olivia couldn't remember the last time she slept all night. Three o'clock was her normal bed time. Six o'clock her normal alarm.
She took a sip of the brew, that was now only a couple drinks from being gone. She looked at the clock. It was now midnight. She had been home now for two hours, and still was in her work clothes. With a deep sigh, she emptied the rest of her drink into her mouth.
She stood up and went into her room. She didn't bother to shut the door because she was there alone. She went to her dresser and pulled out a pair of boxers and a tank top. Then she walked back to her bed, placed the night clothes on the bed, and began to undress. She was striped to her bra and panties, when she happened to glance over to the full length mirror in the corner.
Why doesn't any man want me? She thought to herself. How could anyone want me? After what that son of a bitch did to me.
It was 5 years ago and she was undercover and was sexually assaulted. She was "an inmate" and a guard forced him self on her. It was a close call she wasn't raped but it was close enough. It still haunted her dreams. Every detail. And like 99% of rape, abused or assaulted women she blamed herself.
I should have known better. I should have been able to stop him. I am a cop and he was just another asshole with control issues. How could I have let that happen?
She took a deep breath and got dressed.
Am I ever going to get over this? Of course I'm not. Just like I tell all the victims I come across, you will never be over it. The only thing you can do is live with it.
Another deep inhale and exhale.
Live with it. She thought again. Live with it. How does a person live with it? How do people on the streets that this happens to everyday live with it? How can I live with it?
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
It was her door buzzer. She quickly went to the intercom and pressed the button.
"Who is it?"
"Its me Liv. Elliot." the voice said from the other side.
"Come on up," she said and pressed the button on the left of the button she was holding to talk.
A few moments later a knock came at the door.
Olivia opened the door to reveal her partner, Elliot Stabler.
"Hey," he said with a smile.
"Hey," she forced a fake smile.
"Can I come in?" he said looking around her and pointing in the apartment.
"Of course," she said allowing him to walk past her, closing the door behind him. "So whats this about?"
"Nothing I just wanted to come and see you. Make sure you are ok."
"Why wouldn't I be ok?"
"Liv I know what today is."
She looked at her feet. "You do?"
"Five years today isn't it?"
She nodded.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"No." she said and tears ran down her face.
"Do you want to talk?" After he embraced her in a hug.
"Yes," she said stepping back and wiping her tears.
Elliot and Olivia walked over and sat on the couch.
Olivia sat with her elbows on her knees and her head rested in her hands. She looked at Elliot and shifted her position. Now her right leg was bent up and her left leg was bent under it.
"I remember it like it was yesterday. Every detail. Down to the lighting and the smell of the room. I can remember everything. It plays over and over in my head everyday.
I walked over to some girls and asked what was going on. They said it was some kind of out break probably TB, they had quarantined D Block. Mathew Parker came to get me. 'Get up fish your coming with me' and he gabbed me by the arm. I told him that I couldn't, because I hadn't had my shot yet and he said 'you'll get one later. Maybe even 2 pricks.' And he tried to pull me up. I jerked away and then a couple of the girls and I started a ruckus about how we had the right to know what was going on. So he called for back-up. He told us all to sit down and I of course had to tell him 'no not till we knew what was going on'. So he forcefully handcuffed me." Tears were falling down her cheeks. "Then the riot squad came in and was hitting people and throwing them. Once they had everyone against the wall, Harris came out and he asked who started it. And of course I got blamed. So he said I had to go to the hole. That's when he led me to the basement. I told him that the hole was over in C Block, and asked what we were doing down there and he told me to 'shut up.' I apologized, I hoped that he would take me to the hole. He just said 'we are way past apologies now.' And he told me to just 'shut up and do as I'm told.' That's when I looked over and seen the bed."
Elliot's face was now reflecting pain and hurt.
"I asked him what he wanted and he said 'what every man wants' and he told me I was going to give it to him." She began to sob heavily. "That's when he grabbed my face, and he breathed all over my neck. Then he threw me on the bed. I told him to get off of me and he just laughed, that's when I started screaming. he picked me up and told me I might as well stop screaming no one can hear me. And he grabbed my face again." she wiped the tears with her hand. "I started begging him to 'please stop' I must have said it a million times. Then he forced his tongue in my mouth. I begged him again to 'please don't.' He threw me back on the bed, and took off his holster belt. He then picked me up again, and I started screaming. He pined me up against the wall with my back to him." She closed her eyes and tears continued to fall. "He started pushing him self against me. Rubbing and pushing. Then he un-cuffed me,"she opened her eyes and looked at the man sitting with her on the couch, "I immediately elbowed and then punched him. He fell to the floor. I ran. I hid in with some boxes and crates. He picked up his flashlight and followed me. As he was looking for me, he would take the flashlight and drag it across the bars to empty cells that were down there. Then he told me I have 2 choices I could either come out and make it up to him or he could tell them that I tried to escape and he had to use necessary force." She paused, sobbing. "And I would 'wind up dead.' He told me that the longer he would have to wait the harder it was going to be. Then he taunted me like we were playing a game he asked me if I wanted to play hide and seek. Then he was like 'ok when I find you you're it.' And he just kept flipping chairs and boxes. Then," she fought to continue, "then he found me... he pointed the flashlight at me and he said 'hello, guess whose ass is mine now.' So I pretended to give up I stood up with my hands up and told him he won. He said 'that's more like it.' And told me to come to him I said 'easy' and he took the flashlight and hit me in the stomach I yelled. And then the back of the knees. I fell to the ground and yelled again he said 'that's to let you know whose in charge.'" she paused because her words were hard to understand. She collected herself after a moment. "I elbowed him in the stomach and ran to the door. It was locked," she closed her eyes and sobbed, trying once again to collect her self, "it was locked so I started banging and yelling and banging some more trying to have anyone hear me anyone at all. All of a sudden I look behind me and he punched me. I fall to the ground. I begged no. And he hand cuffed both my hands above my head to the door. The whole time I said no, I begged, I cried, I told him to 'let go of me.' I screamed 'no' he told me to 'shut up.' that's when he unzipped his pants and pulled out..."she was now crying hysterically, "pulled out..." she couldn't get it her mouth to say the words through the tears, "pulled out his penis." She finally got out. "He said 'you bite me and your dead.' And he shoved it in my face. I turned my head so he grabbed the back of my head with his free hand and tried to force me on him. When that didn't work he used both hands I screamed no again. That's when Fin busted in."
They were both crying. Olivia was sobbing hysterically, but Elliot only had tears running from his eyes. Elliot didn't want to ask her anything, because he knew she just relived the most painful thing to ever happen to her.
"Liv, why didn't you tell me sooner?" He finally asked about 10 minutes of sobs and silence.
"Because Elliot, I was trying to protect you."
"From what that prick, Harris?"
"No, from yourself, from beating yourself up, and blaming yourself," she looked in his eyes, "I do enough of that for the both of us."
"Did you get counseling?"
"Yes I did. And it helped a lot. I'll never be over it El. I know that. It happened and I couldn't do anything about it. And I know that I will never be able to be in a real relationship again because of what has happened."
"You've had boyfriends."
"Yes I did but they only lasted until it went to get physical, then I cut it off. Every time I seen a man I would think of him trying to force me. My counselor says I have severe trust issues. And it will take someone a very long time to get over the block I have up to protect myself. And now I'm alone. And I have a feeling I will be for a long time." She wanted so bad to tell him what she was feeling. I trust you, I love you. She thought to herself. "I should have known better than to go there. I should have known better than to think I could handle it."
"Liv none of this is your fault." Elliot said putting his hand on her leg. "he was a sick sadistic bastard. He preyed on women because he had power. And there was nothing you could do. You fought back. You tried to save yourself. Liv we caught him. We saved not only hundreds from becoming rape victims but also murdered rape victims. And that's all because of you. You did it."
"But look at what I had to go through. I haven't had a man in my life that I can trust in five years. Five years." She began to sob heavily. "And I'm not sure that anyone would want me. I mean when things go to get physical with the men I have dated, I get self conscience."
"What do you have to be self conscience about? Liv you're beautiful. You are an amazing person and a wonderful cop. You are strong."
"Not strong enough."
There was a moment of silence.
"Olivia Benson you are the strongest person I have ever met." He said looking in her eyes. "You went through all that and still manage to go through the emotional distress that your job produces. You are amazing." He placed his hand on her cheek, and used his thumb to wipe a tear running down her face.
She leaned into his hand seeking comfort. She closed her eyes and sobbed.
"Olivia look at me," he whispered.
She opened her eyes.
He leaned in, "do you trust me?" He asked passionately, leaning closer.
"Yes," she said closing her eyes. His face was right in front of her.
"Open your eyes," he whispered again.
"Why?" she questioned also whispering.
"Because I don't want you to see him. I want you to see me."
She opened her eyes.
He placed his lips on hers passionately. She returned the kiss slowly opening her mouth allowing his tongue to enter. They fought for dominance at first, but finally, he submitted. She placed her arms around his neck, and shifted so her leg was no longer up, but down over her other leg that was still folded under her.
He placed his hands at her waste and pulled her closer. They were now wrapped in a hug, kissing with more passion than either ever has before.
They broke apart. She looked in his eyes. "Elliot I cant. I'm not ready."
"I understand. I would never ask you to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with." He said with a small smile.
She gave a small smile back, "I know. And I trust you to the fullest. I'm just not..."
He cut her off, "I know. And you don't have to explain yourself to me." He pecked her on her lips.
"Elliot," she addressed, "thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything you have done for me in the years that we have been partners. I don't think I have ever told you that."
"That's what you do for the people you love."
She was shocked, "you love me?" She knew there was chemistry between them but she never would have thought he loved her. That was a big weight off her shoulders. Now she wasn't the only one who felt this way.
"Of course I do," he said. "And not just as my partner, Liv. I love you. I have known you for a very long time. We have been through so much together, you have been there through everything. And I have wanted to tell you for a long time. I just never had the balls to. You are the one that I spent my life searching for. I was married for so long that it was more of a comfort thing. Not love. And Kathy knows that we fell out of love a long time ago. And when we first got the divorce she asked me if we had anything behind her back. I told her no. She looked me in the eyes and told me that she could tell I loved you. She could tell that I wanted to be with you and that it would make me happy. She thanked me for not acting on my feelings and hurting her and the kids. Then she said she could tell that you loved me. She said that she respected you for not splitting up a family. And trying to deny what was in your heart. But Liv, we don't have to pretend anymore. We can be happy. We can be where we both want to be. We can be with each other. And I want to be with you, Liv. I love you."
she smiled. This is just what she has wanted for too long now. She was so happy that she would remember this day for the rest of her life and not for what happened to her five years ago but what has happened to her just a moment ago. "Elliot, I love you with all my heart. And I want to be with you..." she trailed off.
"but..." he said.
"but what about the other love of my life? My job? Your job? They would fire us in a heart beat. And I cant risk that and neither can you. What would everyone think if we were fired because we were together."
"Didn't you hear what I just said? I love you, I don't give a damn what other people think." He leaned in and gave her another mind blowing kiss.
They broke apart and she looked at him with love in her eyes. "do you want to stay with me tonight?"
He looked confused, she had just said she wasn't ready to move any farther, and now she wanted him to stay the night with her. "are you sure?"
"yea I mean we can drive in together, save me cab fair." she smiled.
"ok ummm and what am I going to do about clothes?"
"El I have known you for too long I know you always keep an extra outfit in the car just in case anything happens to the ones you are wearing while on the job." she said with a smile.
"You just never know. We deal with blood and god only knows what else at work." he smiled back.
"You can have my bed and I'll sleep on the couch." she said with a smile, and stood up.
"No you can sleep in your bed. I'll sleep on the couch."
"No Elliot I haven't slept in my bed in a very long time you can take it and ill take the couch." she said with a bit of sternness in her voice.
"Why haven't you slept in your bed?" he asked confused.
"I just haven't." she said trying to avoid giving an answer.
"Liv," he pushed.
"I just haven't because I figure if I can be violated while I'm in the government's system then what is stopping someone from coming in and violating me here? In my home? In my bed? So I just feel safer being out here on the couch."
"Closer to the door." he stated. "So if anyone came in you would have time to prepare yourself. Liv, this is no way to live your life."
"Yea I know." she said looking at him in the eyes as he stood up.
"Well I'm going to be here tonight so what do you say you take the bed and I'll stay out here so that I can keep watch?"
"What if you slept in my bed and ill sleep on the couch."
"What if I slept in your bed and you slept with me?" he said with a raised eye brow.
"El I don't think I..." she started to say.
"Look I'll use a separate comforter and everything no funny business." he smiled.
"I think I can live with that." she smiled back.