Sarah MacKenzie's diary
Disclaimers:
JAG and its characters belong to DPB, not mine…
Spoiler:
Don't know. This could be set almost everywhere after the Mic fiasco, I'd place it in the eighth season, just a short time after Bud' accident. So everything up to this.
Summary:
Like the title says, Mac is writing some private stuff into her diary.
Dear Diary
I did a lot of thinking in the past few weeks. Thinking about my life. And if I'm thinking 'bout my life Harmon Rabb Jr. certainly is a big part of that. So here we go, that's my opinion about everything considering him. I will surprise even myself, I guess.
I often ask myself how it all began. When did Harm become more than a friend to me?
Yeah, I know, some people would say what we share existed from the first moment on. But I don't know if that's true. Sure, there was this something, this kind of attraction between us.
Fine, I felt there could be more than just the relationship of two colleagues, but I never would have imagined there would ever be something more than friendship or maybe an one-night-stand, though.
Hey, there was never more. We're just friends, even if nobody wants to believe that. Alright, I admit it: Once, we actually did it. Really, I'm not joking. Never expected the both of us to actually get our heads out of our sixes, did you? Well, I can only tell ya it wasn't more than an one-night-stand. It wasn't even a night but rather an hour of being a bit foolish.
Of course, he's… well, you could say talented, practiced or I-don't-know-what, who cares?
The fact is: I'd never do it again.
Oh, I forgot, you wanna know how and, especially where it happened. You really should have become a reporter, following actors and so on, you know what I mean. But I'm zoning out, I wanted to tell you about the where, the when and the how, right?
Well, it was on one of these carrier trips. You know, during the time where he went back to flying and I had to investigate on 'his' ship. Yes, of course I know there're rules and so on. But nobody noticed it, did they? I won't tell you that rules are made to be broken, that isn't my style. But sometimes you've to do something about the physical attraction or the tension between partners. That was the best option for the both of us. We just went on with our lives after it.
Hey, don't kill me now, a short time later I even asked him how long we were going to wait. How stupid! That was part of our agreement on that carrier: We' promised each other to go on with our lives and forget what happened.
I broke that promise, I can't blame him for his reaction.
Sure, he said I am the only one he's treating that way and a few years later he did try to make something work .
But a relationship between the two of us – it's impossible.
You ask if I'm in love with him? I guess so.
But, hey, don't start cheering. We will remain friends, it's the best for our friendship, our work and our hearts, that don't need to be broken once more. Why should we start something if it only lasts a few weeks? Unnecessary effort.
Yes, I'm talking myself out of it. If I admit I wanna start something, I'd break a promise I made with myself: I won't hurt him. I care to much about Harm to let him experience this I-don't-know-what-it-would-be.
If you do know something that could work, tell me, but you won't find something, like I said, it's impossible.
Oh, the doorbell. Has to be Harm, we agreed to have dinner together. I've to continue this later. For now you know enough.
Bye,
Yours
Sarah Mackenzie
A/N: Maybe I'll have an idea how to continue this, maybe not. Give me time – and don't kill me for writing this.