And If We Give Up
Chris Argent's hollowed out face hunts him when he's sitting in the small church. Allison's casket covered in flowers and pictures. It makes Stiles shiver. Makes him want to crawl underneath the blankets of his parents' bed and pretend that world doesn't exist out there.
"It's not fair." He says. The words make him feel small and he closes his eyes, wishes upon something that this will all be over when he opens them again. Even though he knows no such thing will work.
"Nothing ever is."
Derek knows. His life has been nothing but tragedy after tragedy, and that's not fair either. How he can sit there and just watch the world turn without him, and be okay with that too. As if Derek can't feel a thing whilst Stiles feels everything all at once.
He's lost before. His mom's pale, empty face comes to mind. Erica's and Boyd's lifeless bodies. Heather on the examination table. Aiden who had fought but lost. And now she ended up on that list too.
Allison was never all that much to Stiles. Not as much as she was to Scott or Isaac. But she was there. A steady presence in the corner of his eye. Strong, fierce, braver than Stiles could ever hope to be. Always fighting, even for the things she didn't believe in. Always present. And now she just wasn't anymore. And it was his fault.
"It's not, Stiles," Derek whispers to him. Silent as possible but so, so close. "It's not your fault."
He doesn't know what this must feel like for Derek. To watch yet another life be taken away right in front of him. He didn't like her, Allison. But he respected her strength, her poise. Regardless of what she and her family did to Derek and his pack, she wasn't weak. Not once in the time they had known her had she been weak, always falling but getting back up for her family. Fighting for her last name. He suspects Derek respected that about her more than any of them.
"It feels like it, though."
"I know. I know it feels like that." Derek says. His hand ends up on his shoulder. The same way Stiles' had when they had to give up on Boyd. It's different now, though. He can feel Derek nosing at the side of his neck and he pulls a weird face. As if the grief pouring from Stiles' skin affects his so much, too.
"You can't blame yourself, Stiles. No one else does."
He chases the tear running down Stiles' cheek with his thumb and wipes it away. It's not fair, for him to be crying when he's not the one who lost everything. Except himself, maybe. But that happened a long time ago, anyway. Somewhere between the time he saw his dad get beaten up and Scott poisoning Gerard. He doesn't know what that felt like for Derek either. Sure Scott saved them all that day, but that doesn't mean that Derek wasn't betrayed by the one person he had learnt to trust in years.
"What does it feel like?" Stiles asks. And it's a genuine question, despite the look on Derek's face. He wonders why he's never asked before. Why he waited to find out how Derek accepted his loss until Stiles had no other choice but to accept his own, too.
"What does it feel like to lose everything, Derek?"
Derek's hand lingers before he pulls it away, but he doesn't let go. His other rests on Stiles' thigh, squeezes like Stiles is Derek's lifeline, the only thing keeping him upright. He thinks he might not want to be that for Derek. Not when he doesn't know how to keep himself standing, yet.
"You already know that." Derek says.
Stiles averts his eyes to see Scott embrace Isaac, his dad putting a hand on Mr. Argent's shoulder. He watches them all sink down even lower, feels his own heart break in his chest. Derek's hand finds his, reminding him that when he lets go, he'll send them all tumbling down.
Yeah, he thinks. Maybe he does already know that.