DIS: Hehehe...I got this idea some couple months ago. This is only my second parody, so let's see how I do, eh? Please read below and enjoy!
X
Title: Harry Potter, a parodyRating: M for language and mild sexual content
Genre: Parody/Humor
Summary: A parody of Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, featuring the YGO cast.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own YuGiOh. Major bummer, man.Notes/Warnings: Umm...Let's see...Bad language and minor bashing of Harry Potter just because he's such a complete idiot.
The Characters:
Yuugi Mutou: Harry Potter
Anzu Mazaki: Hermione Granger
Jounouchi Katsuya: Ron Weasley
Seto Kaiba: Severus Snape (but so much cuter!)
Bakura Ryou: Draco Malfoy
Malik and Marik Ishtar: Crabbe and Goyle
Ryou Bakura: Neville Longbottom
Yami Mutou: Dumbledore
Mai Kujaku: Professor McGonnagall
Honda Hiroto: Professor Quirrel/Voldemort
Otogi Ryuuji (or however it's spelled): Hagrid
Shizuka Katsuya: Aunt Petunia
Mokuba Kaiba: Dudley Dursley
Rex Raptor: Uncle Vernon
X
Harry Potter, a parodyYuugi Mutou was an extraordinary kid. No, actually, he really wasn't, but he wanted to think so...only because his life sucked. Anyway...he heard pounding at the door and a high-pitched voice, "YUUGI MUTOU! YUUGI, GET UP! GET UP OR THE SPIDERS WILL GET YOU!" And then, a second later, he heard thumping above him. Mokuba was trying to wake him up...Maybe. He got up and saw Mokuba roll down the stairs and slam into the door. "Mokuba!" Shizuka screeched, hurrying over to him. "What have I told you about having sugar before breakfast?" Mokuba snickered, shaking from the sugar.
"ME NO KNOW, ME WANT – WANT...SUUUGGARRR! GYAHAHAHAHA!" Shizuka winced as he did cartwheels to the kitchen. She turned to Yuugi and stared at him, before sighing and shaking her head, walking away. He heard her mutter, "What went wrong?" Yuugi sweat dropped and thought, Uh, everything maybe?
With a sigh, Yuugi went in the kitchen. Mokuba's presents were stacked high. Thirty-five, Yuugi counted. He got thirty-six last year.
"HEHEHEHE," Mokuba snickered, going to his presents. He counted them cheerfully, before realizing there was only thirty-five. "Father, mother," he said calmly, turning to them. "It is one less than last year. What have I said about not giving me at least one more present than last year?" Rex glared at him.
"What the hell are you talking about?" He growled. "Boy, I should whip you with a horse whip! DON'T GIVE ME A TONGUE-LASHING!" Under his breath, he muttered, "Spoiled brat." Mokuba gawked at him, then started bawling. Shizuka sighed and went to him, patting him on the back.
"There, there," Shizuka soothed.
"(-.-) Oh shut up, you little brat," Rex snapped. "We'll...go to the zoo or something." Mokuba cried harder because Rex called him a brat, then he cheered, "Yay! The zoo!" He sent a look towards Yuugi, who sighed, knowing what was about to come.
"What about him?" He'll ruin my birthday!" Mokuba whined.
"I'm gonna ruin you here in a minute," Rex muttered, before clearing his throat and saying, "So long as the orphan doesn't do any funny stuff, then I guess we'll be fine."
"...WAHH!"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Rex roared, shooting to his feet, which really wasn't intimidating as he was extremely short. The only tall person in the room was Shizuka.
"WAHHH!!!"
Why can't I have a normal life? Yuugi thought, sighing as Rex threw up his hands and started shouting profanities.
X
Well, they went to the zoo and Yuugi stood by a snake after Mokuba had dismissed it as boring. Yuugi stared at the snake, then asked, "You're not boring, are you? Just lonely. So am I."
"Why don't you go get a friend, you loser?" The snake snapped at him.
"(OO) You just spoke!...That was mean."
"Shut up, already. God, I get enough of the other crap. People banging on my glass, women making googly eyes at me. Not to mention, I haven't been near a female snake my whole life, but I do know about the reproductive system and dammit, I want some!"
"(-.-) Uh huh."
"Anyway..." The snake sighed, raising it's head. "Why the hell are you talking to me? You're making a fool of yourself. Ugh. No wonder you don't have any friends."
"You're not a very nice snake."
"Yeah? You're a pretty ugly human!"
"(;o;) That's mean!"
"Don't start crying! I hate whining brats!"
"But – "
"LOOK, MOM, DAD! THE SNAKE'S DOIN' SOMETHING!" Mokuba screeched suddenly.
"I hope it castrates you," Rex sneered.
"Now, be nice," Shizuka told her husband, who rolled his eyes.
"I only had a kid with you because I had no choice! Damn Mako Tsunami and that bug boy. I can't believe I lost that bet and had to marry their fiancé! A stupid one, too."
"You realize I can hear you, right?"
"No duh."
"(--)"
"There goes the snake...There goes our son...There goes future insanity," Rex remarked with a grin.
"Mokuba! DO something, Rex!"
"Fine, fine." Rex went to Yuugi and slapped him.
"OW! What was that for?" Yuugi asked.
"God, you're so annoying," Rex grouched. "Shut up and be a man!"
"...You're mean! Just like that snake!"
"Oh, for God sakes, don't make me kill you!"
"(sniff)...Meany."
X
After the snake incident, Rex was in a foul mood for the rest of the day, along with Mokuba, who cried most of the day. Yuugi was thankful he got locked in his closet. He didn't want to deal with his family right now. The next day, when he got the mail, he realized there was a letter for him. ...S-someone realizes I exist! He thought in bliss. Oh, this is the best day of my life! He went in the kitchen and threw the mail on the table, making Rex give a sound of protest. Mokuba frowned and then crowed, "He's got a letter, dad!"
"(-.-) Pff. Yeah right. It's probably addressed 'To whom it may concern,' hehehe," Rex remarked with a smirk. Yuugi flinched.
"No," Yuugi answered. "It's addressed to Mr. Yuugi Mutou – " Rex snorted 'Mister' underneath his breath " – The Cupboard under the stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey."
"(o.o)...I never knew you had a stalker," Mokuba said. Rex grabbed the letter from Yuugi.
"Watch carefully Yuugi," Rex advised and then tore up the letter in an instant.
"(OoO) M-my letter! SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY ADMITTING THEY KNEW I EXISTED! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"
"Why do people have the idea that I care?" Rex asked himself. "Do they never learn?"
X
The letters continued to come, but Rex either tore them up or burned them. He had boarded the mail slot, but still, the letters came. At last, on Sunday, Rex was relaxing in the drawing room. Yuugi was sulking, serving cookies. "No damn letters today," Rex told his family. "Not one, damn – " A letter hit him in the face, before thousands exploded from the chimney. Yuugi hastily grabbed one and ran for it. "DAMN IT, THINGS NEVER USED TO BE THIS WAY UNTIL HE CAME!" Rex charged after him and was able to get the letter.
X
Three days later, Yuugi found himself in a dingy house in the middle of nowhere – in the middle of the sea, actually. He sighed. It's my birthday. No one cares. I'm hungry and I hate the people I live with. Man, my life sounds like a drama TV series or something. He sighed again and turned on his back, murmuring, "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Yuuuuggiiii, happy birthday to me! Whoopee!"
"SHUT UP!" Rex roared from above. Yuugi pouted and sniffed, turning back on his stomach, his lip stuck out, his eyes huge in a perfect imitation of a puppy dog look. For the next ten minutes, he drew on the dirt on the floor, humming underneath his breath. Then, he glanced at the clock at eleven fifty nine and counted down the seconds until it would, officially, be his birthday.
Thirty...twenty...ten...(Maybe I should go run around the house to annoy Rex? Yuugi thought. I should do something adventurous on my birthday, after all.)...nine...eight...seven...(Or should I pee on the wall and make a message? Hehehe, that would be funny! Oh, wait, it'd dry up...)...six...five...four...three...(Okay, I think I'll go upstairs and jump on Rex's bed to make him angry. That'll be fun!)...two...one!
As soon as the clock struck midnight, he heard some disco music from outside the dingy house. He blinked and sat up, staring at the door in fright. The music became loud and suddenly someone shot the door down. Yuugi jumped to his feet, frightened. Then, a figure was formed in the doorway and the disco music was blaring in the house.
Shika-boo baby, shika-boo baby, yeah, yeah!"(sweat drop) Um...?" Yuugi watched as the male started to dance to the music, doing a lot of seventies dance moves. Then, at the end of the song, he did the splits, stretching his arms up in the air. "(oO) Hello?"
"Hey!" The man pointed at Yuugi. "I wouldn't mistake that bizarre hairdo for just anyone! After all," he continued with a matter-of-fact tone, "only the Big Bad Fag, You-Know-Who would leave that kind of mark on the famous Yuugi Mutou!" Yuugi started to bawl. "(OO) Did I say something wrong? Oh, no, the Headmaster's going to be so pissed when he realizes I made the dweeb cry! Hey, there, don't cry...Here, I'll cheer you up!" He came dancing over to Yuugi with a cake. "See?"
"Oh, that's – "
SPLAT.
"...nice..." Yuugi ended after the man crushed the cake into his face. He wiped it off and started sniffling again.
"Aw, shit. Listen, kid, just shut up. My name's Ryuuji Otogi, but just call me Otogi, okay? Most people can't pronounce my first name. Instead they say, like, Rugee, or Yogi – where the HELL do they get that stupid bear's name out of Ryuuji?" He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, yeah. I'm the gamekeeper at Hogwarts."
"At who?"
"(--) Hogwarts, kid. What are you, stupid? School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"
"No way! So that's why they invented Halloween!"
"Uh...no..."
"Oh. Darn."
"YOU STUPID MUTOU KID!" Rex boomed, storming downstairs. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW?"
"Yeah!" Mokuba whined, rubbing his eyes. "I was having a good dream! I was killing you with a steak knife!"
Otogi and Yuugi stared at him: (OO...)
"What the - ? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Rex demanded, pointing at Otogi.
"Listen, buddy," Otogi said, flipping some hair out of his face. "Don't hate me cos I'm cute."
"(--) You got that off a bumper sticker."
"Yeah, so? It applies to no one but me."
"Right." He eyed Otogi's tight, leather pants and his tight shirt and the vest that went over it. He looked at the jewelry Otogi was wearing and appeared a bit disgusted. "Okay, you disturbed the peace and you got what you want so leave."
"I just got here!" Otogi snapped. "Jesus Christ, why is it so cold in here?"
"(OO) Don't say His name in vain!" Shizuka gasped. Otogi frowned, eyed Shizuka, and sighed.
"Cute, but obviously stupid." He turned to the fireplace and brought out a wand with a CD and dice hanging off it out of his pocket. "This thing is so uncomfortable when you sit down," he told them conversationally and then lit a fire with it. Mokuba's jaw dropped. "Anyway! Here, star-head – I mean, Yuugi." Otogi handed Yuugi a letter and Yuugi took it, eagerly ripping it open. His face dropped. "What? WHAT? Were you expecting to win the frickin' lottery or something?"
"I thought it was from my parents."
"You moron! They're dead!"
"So?"
"DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T WRITE!"
"...Yeah...But what if they were resurrected?" Yuugi queried, a hopeful expression on his face.
"God, you're dumb," Rex muttered. "I wish I'd killed you sooner."
"Me too!" Mokuba chirped.
"I'm beginning to wonder if he's as important as they say," Otogi muttered. "Listen, kid, you're coming to Hogwarts and that's that."
"Um...What's Hogwarts?" Yuugi asked in an innocent way. Otogi's jaw dropped.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"Well, what is it?"
"A school for wizards! You're a wizard! Your frickin' parents were wizards! HELLO? ANYONE HOME?"
"Sure," Yuugi answered. "There's me, my cousin, my aunt, and uncle that are home."
"...Yuugi..." Otogi sighed. "Okay, you know what? Let's just get this over with, okay?"
"Get what over with?" Otogi ignored him, turning to his aunt and uncle.
"Didn't you two tell him about his parents?"
"Um...Who?" Shizuka asked, blinking, feigning idiocy. "What? Where am I?" She looked around, a perfect imitation of being confused.
(--)
"You really married her?" Otogi questioned Rex.
"(-.-) I lost a bet," Rex grumbled.
"So let me get this straight, you guys didn't tell him about our world?"
"What world are we talking about again?" Yuugi intercepted. "Ooh, are you an alien from outer space? Ooh, I've never been on another planet!"
"Would you shut up?" Rex barked at him. "And anyway, what's-your-name – "
"Ryuuji Otogi," Otogi interrupted.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever Yogi," Rex said dismissively, making Otogi's eye twitch. "Like I was saying, when Shizuka and I brought in that freak of nature, we promised to raise him the normal way, the good way. The way where we don't have a goddamn fag prancing around the house, waving a wand and spurting out ridiculous nonsense that sounds like gibberish."
"(-.-)..."
"You knew?" Yuugi whimpered, staring at his aunt and uncle tearfully.
"Of course we knew!" Rex snapped. "For God sakes, Shizuka's sister was the same thing."
"My parents were so proud," Shizuka sighed sadly. "She was so nice before she became a freak. Wearing those weird robe things and waving a stick like she was important. Stupid sister of mine. Then she met her just as stupid husband and then she got herself blown up!"
"BLOWN UP?" Yuugi shrilled. "B-but you said...a car crash...and..."
"Retarded though they were," Otogi said with a sigh, "nothing could have killed them that easily."
"Wow," Yuugi whispered.
"Yeah, so you're pretty famous. But boy are people going to be disappointed to see what a loser you are!"
"You're mean!"
"Nah."
"...Okay." Otogi rolled his eyes.
"He isn't going!" Rex snapped.
"What are you gonna do about it, Muggle?"
"Huh?" Yuugi said.
"Muggle is a non-magic person. Like shorty over there."
"YOU WANNA START SOMETHING, FAG BOY? BRING IT ON!"
"YEAH, I DO WANNA START SOMETHING!" Otogi snapped back
"COME ON THEN!"
"YEAH COME ON!"
"COME ON!"
"Can we go now?" Yuugi asked.
"...I was gonna intimidate him to death, but okay."
"Shizuka!" Rex snarled, turning to his wife. "Get your nephew back!"
"Who?" Shizuka asked, blinking.
"(-.-) Aw, screw it."
X
The next day, Yuugi was left to get his wand. He was bemused by everything he had learned. The man named...What was his name? Well, Yuugi, being his idiotic self, couldn't remember the name of the guy that had killed his parents, but he knew he was bad! And, he knew that his nickname was You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Geez, you'd think they'd figure out something less elaborate. Yuugi decided HWMNBN would do just fine.
"Hi!" A crazy old man came zooming up to Yuugi, his eyes bulging. His name was Sugoroku. "I love money, I love women, and I love to rape and abuse little boys! Ooh, you're Yuugi Mutou! I knew you would be coming in!" He gave a shit-eating grin. "Lucky you! Since I don't like your hair, I won't rape you! Okay, okay...You need a wand, right?"
"Yeah."
"Great! Let's see...Try this one." He handed a wand to Yuugi, who took it and posed as a ballerina and started dancing around, flicking it, making things get set on fire. "Hey, stop! Stop! STOP I SAID!" Yuugi tripped and fell down. Sugoroku snatched the wand from him, glaring. "Alright...Try this one." Yuugi took it and gallantly waved it, making wand boxes shoot out everywhere, knocking Sugoroku in the head, and some breaking through the window. "Uh, no. No, no." He got a different one and this time he carefully gave it to Yuugi. Yuugi took it a bright light came on behind him and music played. Sugoroku looked around in surprise, saying, "Whooaa."
"Should I wave it?"
"Nah, that music means its all good. Ya know, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has a wand just like that with the same phoenix feather."
"...Why don't you just say HWMNBN?" Yuugi asked with a tired sigh.
"Oh, you know us wizard folks," Sugoroku said dismissively. "Always gotta be a nuisance."
"(o.o) Um, yeah...Can I leave?"
"Sure!"
X
DIS: There's the first chapter! This will be fairly short, so yeah. Please leave a review on your way out. Ciao!