TERESA LISBON: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist. The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format belongs to Theresa Green. I do not have permission to use said format, because sadly Theresa Green is retired from , however, he-has-her-by-the-heart, who has been allowed to use it, has given me permission, which is the best I can do. Also, this has not been beta'd at all, so any extra ideas, criticism, and typo-spotting is encouraged. And no, you cannot actually buy a LISBON unit from me. I'm sorry. It crushed my dream too.
Thanks to dj13 for the tip about Lisbon's gun.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a LISBON unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own "pocket rocket, dynamite, heavily armed, cute as a button" (Jane Report, 4 out of 4 stars) Senior Agent, read the following guide with care, as misuse of the LISBON unit will lead to The Straightening Of The Desk. Due to certain laws of decency, we are not able to disclose the specifics of the events following this procedure, but rest assured that you do not wish to find out.
Technical Specifications
Name: Teresa Lisbon (also known as "Boss")
Age: Do you want to ask her?
Place of Manufacture: Chicago, Illinois, Lisbon Division
Your LISBON comes with the following accessories:
Glock 9 mm
Handcuffs (for use on murderers, thieves, and other lawbreakers, including her own colleagues. *cough* Colleague. You know which one we're talking about.)
Bulletproof vest
Work suit- blazer, shirt, pants, belt, and boots
Self-perpetuating piles of paperwork
Golden cross necklace WARNING: Do not attempt to remove.
Please note the default outfit is not necessary permanent, it can be changed at will. And by will, we mean her will.
WARNING: The LISBON unit will not wear anything involving pink, shiny material, and/or large satin bows; if she is forced to do so, we are not liable for the consequences.
Removing your LISBON unit from her box
By reading this section carefully and following all instructions, extracting your new Senior Agent from her box should be a relatively easy and death-less procedure.
Open the box carefully, and leave some nice paperwork on a nearby desk with a cup of coffee. She will cautiously emerge and begin doing the paperwork, while you open the panel at the back of her neck and enter your ownership code. She will then respond to your every command. Note: the whole process will be simplified if you have previously purchased the RIGSBY and VAN PELT units. Instruct those units to engage in activities against the rules, and she will rush out. When informed that it was all an act, she will immediately calm down, and in the meantime, you will also be granted bonus points of love from the RIGSBY and VAN PELT UNITS.
WARNING: If you already own the JANE unit, do NOT attempt to use this unit to lure the LISBON unit out of her box. He is unpredictable, but will likely do something that enrages her, thus making chances of you being annihilated while programming her much greater. Plus, even if she doesn't stay around long enough to get into an argument with him, it's quite difficult to program her while she's walking away in a huff.
If you do fail to , feel free to panic, your instant karma will prevent you from ever gaining respect from peers.
Your LISBON will come with the following functions:
BOSS: This function allows the LISBON unit to command respect from other CBI units wherever she goes.
NINJA: This function allows the LISBON unit to take down men twice her size using sheer acceleration paired with fury.
DAMAGE CONTROLLER: This function allows the LISBON unit to keep the JANE unit employed. Yet another reason why purchasing the JANE unit without the LISBON unit is a bad idea.
Note: Illegal downloads cannot be accessed, through Google or any other such search engines. (And even if they were… research shows that an OOC Lisbon is a conflicted Lisbon, and a conflicted Lisbon may explode, damaging persons, careers, property, and other units around her. Also, any persons attempting to make the Lisbon explode for entertainment reasons will be sued for unit abuse.)
Your LISBON will come with the following modes:
Extremely competent (default)
Caring (default)
Workaholic (default)
Serious
Grumpy
Delighted (more likely when interacting with other CBI units)
Old-couple bickerer (unlocked with purchase of the JANE unit)
Sarcastic (see above)
Out of Character (locked)
The TERESA LISBON unit is capable of unlocking her own Out of Character mode, though extreme circumstances can also do so. It is essential at this point for the owner to panic if their unit does unlock. Unlocked mode can be shown through displays of insulting her superiors, drinking tea instead of coffee, and/or shooting suspects. To rectify this problem, find a wizard, call us, or go right ahead and run away screaming.
Relations with Other Units:
PATRICK JANE: Between these two, possibilities range from homicide to love and then back again. However, they have proven to have a stabilizing effect on each other, as the LISBON unit provides the JANE unit with another obstacle to overcome in his perpetual search of ways to illegally/dangerously entertain himself and/or seek vengeance, and the JANE unit provides the LISBON unit with a reason to come to work every morning.
KIMBALL CHO: This unit and the LISBON unit get along well, as they are both incredibly competent and generally reasonable.
RIGSBY: This unit and the LISBON unit have a good working relationship.
VAN PELT: The LISBON unit will show concern for this unit in instances of emotional pain. If the LISBON unit is worried, you should be too.
CBI PLAYSET: This CBI Playset will allow your LISBON unit to have heaps of fun ordering other units about, drinking coffee, interrogating suspects, and solving cases.
Cleaning
Your LISBON unit can clean herself. So let her.
Feeding
Your LISBON unit should be fed a balanced meal three times a day, but tests have shown units have been known to survive on only coffee for several hours.
Rest
The LISBON unit will need no more than eight hours of sleep, though it is quite likely. Make sure the LISBON unit has a solid sleep at least twice a week. This will ensure your LISBON unit does not fall back into Grumpy mode for over five hours.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My LISBON unit's damage control function appears to be malfunctioning. What happened?
A: Most likely your LISBON unit is fed up with the JANE unit and has decided to teach him a lesson. Wait a few days before calling the help line. It is most likely that she will return to her usual ways after giving up on re-educating the JANE unit.
Q: My friend's LISBON unit is speaking German; how do I get my unit to speak German?
A: There are two scenarios here: either your friend bought his/her unit in Germany, or you have not been careful attention to the JANE unit and he has begun to teach the LISBON unit German. Feel free to either fly to Germany or nudge the JANE unit in the right direction; however, be warned that in the latter case, your LISBON unit will be stuck with a rather terrible grasp of the language.
Q: What's Sheep Dip? Should I be getting special food?
A: No. There are two levels of annoyance the LISBON unit falls into; neither are particularly perilous (see the Straightening Of The Desk for one that is). They are indicated by two phrases. If your unit uses the words "Bite me", she is reacting to something that displeases her. If she uses the words "Sheep dip", she may also be disgusted with the recipient of her wrath. These phrases tend to surface often around the JANE unit; however, if you are hearing them twice a day, call the help line. Perhaps you have given the JANE unit highly caffeinated tea?
Q: She's reciting a Hail Mary. What's going on?
A: Ask her, but very carefully. Something very bad is going on, and it probably involves impending doom.
Q: Who are these people? It's a holiday, and I came home to some sort of group of brown-haired people; three men and a girl. What should I do?
A: Ask the girl for your wallet back, and ask Lisbon if she needs any help getting them all beds. Then sit back, and enjoy the fun. Do NOT mention the father, or ask where he is, and everything should be fine.
Q: After all those warnings, my unit appears to behaving normally and enjoying life in general. Should I be worried?
A: No. Your unit is generally content at heart, a state that only changes if extreme circumstances or personal troubles arise. (Or Jane.)
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your LISBON unit is trying to kill you.
Solution: You must have either damaged your JANE unit irreparably or forced your LISBON unit to wear a pink dress. Remember your LISBON unit is one of the best shots in the CBI. Oh, you wanted an actual solution? Sorry. You can run, but not very far.
Final Note
The LISBON unit is a beautiful, intelligent agent who will happily solve cases at a call from the DA. Go ahead, allow her to live a happy and adjective life. If you take care of her, the LISBON unit will be moderately affectionate towards you until you die, unless you prove either heinous (see O'LAUGHLIN) or lovable (see JANE).