A/N: I wrote this story a lot of time ago, during the summer between S3 and S4. At that time, Kurt didn't get into NYADA. We didn't even know that Sebastian wasn't a senior. Let's say you should pretend that the last episode of Glee you watched is 3x22.
It's based on a prompt a reader sent to me back then, and I turned it into a very long oneshot (25k words or something), therefore I split it into three parts. Pay attention to the warnings, because I don't want you to read anything you're not comfortable with.
Also, for the following parts, I lost control over the porn thing lol Forgive me!
Thanks to jobelle516 for being my awesome beta-reader and always helping me out!
Warnings: riding, bondage, dirty talk, rough sex, possessive sex, slight dub-con, slight cum-play, slut shaming, barebacking.
09/10/2012 – 06:32 pm To: Blaine: Did you have a good summer?
09/13/2013 – 00:12 pm To: Blaine: I know you probably don't care, but I just what to know how you have been. Seriously, this is not me trying to push myself towards you again, to make you think of me, I just want to know what you are doing, what's going on with you.
09/14/2012 – 03:34 pm To: Blaine: I'm in NYC now. I thought you wanted to share a coffee, Blaine. I respect your relationship with Kevin and I don't want to step between the two of you. I just want to see you, I miss you as a person.
09/14/2012 – 03:45 pm To: Blaine: Okay. I'm at the station. If you want to meet me, I'll wait right here. I hope you'll come. No tricks, remember, just as friends.
It's a big lie, Kurt knows.
Every single time Kurt Hummel sends a text to Blaine Anderson, it's just because he wants at least part of what KurtAndBlaine were back; there's no Kurt and Blaine, good friends and he also knows the reason why Blaine doesn't text him back anymore. Of course, it hurts, but he is right: Blaine has been completely honest with him, he told him he was falling for someone else before he could cheat on him or something, and the way Kurt has made it up to him was by flirting with him in front of his new crush – who was soon to become his new boyfriend, Kevin.
If he hadn't been so stupid and childish, Blaine and he would probably still be friend and right now he wouldn't be wandering all alone in New York. Well, actually he isn't wandering just yet. He's sitting at the station waiting for someone who's not going to come; and it's all his fault, he has ruined their friendship which has always been even more important than their relationship.
He would want Rachel to be there with him, but he knows it's impossible because she's busy with NYADA schedules (Oh, look, Kurt! Rachel got in, you didn't) that don't give her a break even to accompany his best friend to check on the apartment he's rented online. It hasn't been easy though: his dad's second heart attack – a terrible day spent after the sun of California in a terrible heat, Finn's idea – has put them in the condition to pay for a necessary surgery operation and he doesn't feel like asking for money again, not when he knows that his dad is going to give it to him instead of focusing on his own therapy purchases, so that his son can live easily in New York.
So, when his dad eventually started asking questions about how he is going to survive in New York, Kurt told him that he would sell his old clothes and he would earn a lot. He said he couldn't wear old outfits in New York, because he wants to look fashionable and fabulous. Burt had smiled, but Kurt is never going to sell his old clothes away, because the older they get, the more precious they become (a fashion geek like him can't skip on these details).
He can't live with Rachel and not only because he knows she has met a certain Brody Weston in the dorms at NYADA, which means she won't move anywhere. The problem is mainly that he would have been jealous: he's happy that Rachel got into NYADA, but living with her would mean listening to her complaints about lessons or phone calls with her college mates in which she would explain in detail the schedules of a world that Kurt sadly doesn't belong to.
Also, Kurt can't consider the idea of living in a dorm for real: it doesn't matter if it's Fashion Professional Commercial Design Academy, the thought alone of leaving his precious clothes in a room the clean-up crews could walk in makes him shiver. He can't stop thinking about his beloved Dolce & Gabbana shirt and the patches of detergent that could eventually ruin it.
In the end, he found a way out: the owner of the apartment told him that there was another person who wanted to lease it – Kurt was worried at first because if this person was richer than him, there's no way he could win an auction – and was totally on board with sharing the apartment with someone that belonged to the same sex, which luckily Kurt was.
His first thought back then was that it had to be a serious person, not to want to risk having a relationship to focus on his goals … wow! He must be a total crackerjack.
He doesn't know that yet, but he's going to find out that his future roommate wants a boy into his apartment for the opposite reasons.
Kurt stares at the time on the screen of his phone: 4:02 pm.
4:02 pm.
He can't believe he has spent more than fifteen minutes here, in this damn station, leant on his trolley and waiting. Waiting in vain.
He keeps his gaze looked on the screen of his iPhone and lets his fingers slide on it for one last text.
09/14/2012 – 04:04 pm To: Blaine: I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but you could have just sent me a text to tell me you weren't coming. I know I've been bad but I just wanted to see you and know that you're okay.
He presses send but he's quite sure he won't get an answer this time either.
He can't really blame Blaine though, with all the time he's acted like a jerk, it's totally normal that Blaine is disappointed in him. Even though Kurt understands this, it still doesn't mean that Blaine is supposed not to answer a simple text.
Also, Kurt can't really spend his whole day here, he's got a new apartment to visit, a new roommate to meet, some sleep to get to rest from the tiring trip. He's got some things to do and waiting for Blaine isn't going to pay back anyway, Kurt tried to ruin his relationship with his new boyfriend, of course Blaine doesn't want to see him or talk to him.
He carries his trolley and starts walking around the streets of New York until he reaches the sidewalks where he has to wait. He doesn't mind though, because there's a pleasant wind today – it's still surprising how it finds a way to blow through these enormous buildings – and it gives him this sense of novelty that New York was supposed to give him. He needs a new beginning.
He hates knowing that Blaine is going to be there for a few weeks because his boyfriend wants to show him his college, but also knows for sure that Blaine is going to go back to Lima; when it'll happen, Kurt is going to feel better, as if the miles between them can make the pain slide away slightly – mostly because they make it easier for Kurt to believe that Blaine never existed.
That's not what he wants obviously, but if Blaine doesn't want to be friends because he doesn't trust Kurt anymore – for good reasons, Kurt repeats to himself – all that he can do to feel better is forget. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either (at least that's what he's telling himself to feel better).
He patiently waits until a taxi stops in front of him and he puts the black smooth big bags in.
He gets in too and gives the driver his address – his new address in New York, his new beginning; the man nods sure. Kurt wonders how he can remember all the streets in New York without a navigator, but then he realizes that maybe he's just assigned to this part of the city; also, the man doesn't look too young, so he's been living in New York for a while now, probably.
He relaxes into his seat and decides that he's going to stop wondering about everything at least for this small trip. The man turns on the stereo and Kurt doesn't recognize the song – which is totally annoying – so he doesn't even hum to it. He just watches out of the car window, exploring his new town with his eyes.
The truth is that for so long – seeing as he didn't get into NYADA – Kurt had thought that he wasn't going to get to New York. He resigned to the idea that, with Finn joining the army, he was going to stay in Lima, take care of his dad's shop; it was his dad though who insisted for him to go, buying him a ticket. If it weren't for him, he would still work at the Lima Bean like someone supposed last year (not someone, something; you can be defined something when you're a human being at least, and that wasn't the case).
The drive isn't as long as he thought it'd be and he leaves tip to the driver who thanks him with a smile, before he disappears. Kurt immediately realizes than in such a big town, there must be like hundreds of drivers, so there's a fair chance he's never going to see the man again. Not that he cares specifically about him, it's just that he's realizing that nothing is going to be like Lima: except for his flat mate – he hopes they get on good terms at this point – he has no idea how to spend his time in the Big Apple; Rachel is constantly busy with lessons and NYADA schedules and when she's not, she's probably around Mr. Brody Weston (not that he blames her; Rachel has shown him some photos and Kurt thinks it's impossible not to spend some time with him, he's practically the living definition of the word attractive) and he has no idea who he is going to meet at college.
While he lifts his eyes towards the building in front of him, he can't help but think that walking over this threshold might mean a lot: if his roommate is lovely, his night will be awesome. If he is not, he's going to play the third wheel with Rachel and Brody.
He crosses his fingers and closes his eyes, feeling particularly stupid in doing it. Then, he breathes in deeply, only to make himself more ridiculous in front of the wandering New York crowd, and he finally steps in.
He has no idea how the air he is breathing can be relieving and making him feel comfortable, he hopes this is a good sign and starts walking around, searching for the elevator. It doesn't take him long to find it, at the end of a long tight hallway, and he's thankful that he doesn't suffer claustrophobia, because he wouldn't survive walking daily in these small spaces otherwise.
He patiently waits for the elevator to come down after he's pressed the button, keeping the trolley jealously pressed against his body, since it holds a fortune in wardrobe.
He spends his time in the elevator hoping that the person who is supposed to live with him is sweet and lovely.
He panics when he suddenly realizes that he might be some sort of homophobe idiot, which means that Kurt should spend every single day in his life pretending that he's not gay. Again, how didn't he consider that his homosexuality might be a problem in this? It was like that during high school, so it wouldn't surprise him to play that back in New York. Bullying among the flat mates, who knows how popular this is in the Big Apple?
Maybe he just needs to take another breath. He should check on the situation first and then, if it's necessary, he would need to find another apartment to share because he can't afford one alone. He doesn't have the right economical faculties for that now.
No.
This isn't really the ideal situation, what is he going to do? There's a fair chance he won't even find another roommate who's willing to share by now, when the semester is about to start. He is not going to sleep in the dorms and allow strangers to touch his precious clothes. How can he not panic at such a thought?
When the doors of the elevator open, they produce a metallic ticking that sounds terribly like a clock bomb in Kurt's mind: a few seconds, a hallway, a door, a boy and then his clothes might be ruined forever (maybe he's going to have to pay an extra tax to get a room at college now, or maybe he's just overreacting on everything).
He finally decides to lift the trolley with his hands held together, just a little, to put it out of the elevator, and reach for the hallway, walking through it and carrying the bag with him.
He reaches for the door, after he's made sure that the number on the door is the same as the one he wrote down after speaking, on the phone, with the owner.
47, perfect.
He coughs nervously, with his hand closed in a fist in the air, in front of the door and when he does, he notices that the apartment isn't empty. He can hear the voice of the owner behind the door, and it sounds like he's describing the apartment to someone. Then he also hears steps around the flat.
He hesitates for a second more, and then he decides that he's going to knock on this door. He tries to think that it's because he doesn't want the owner to repeat everything from the start when he can avoid it, but the truth at that he's anxious to meet his roommate who is probably waiting behind his door. He knocks then, with his hand, before he realizes there's a doorbell. Of course. He's already looked like a peasant from Lima, Ohio, knocking on the door instead of using the doorbell.
He panics again at the realization … what if he's going to be treated differently because of that too? Not only he is gay, but he's not even a New York gay. He's just an Ohio homosexual. That makes it so much worse.
His life is just about to turn into a disaster, so maybe he'd better walk away, run, before he can find himself fighting a war he can't win.
He's just about to walk back and run away, call the owner on the phone and tell him he had changed his mind, when the door opens in front of him. He finds himself in front of a gorgeous blond, blue-eyed guy with tanned skin that is looking at him with a bright smile. He's young, almost the same age as Kurt – he can see it in his skin – and he's inviting him to walk in.
Kurt hesitates for a moment. If this is his roommate, he already loves New York and his college life. A handsome guy is enough for him to change his mind. He smiles embarrassed and walks to where the boy is nodding, walking into the apartment and looking around: it's big, bright, so much better than he had expected (yeah, it costs him half of the price, he suddenly remembers).
He leans the trolley against the white sofa – great part of the furniture is white. He turns to his right and he stares at the kitchen with his mouth wide open: it's modern and smooth. God, he's going to love cooking in here with such a handsome boy living with him and such a huge fridge also. Everything is planned on contrast between whites/grays and strong dark reds. It's sober, intriguing somehow.
He smiles amused because Kurt Hummel must pay attention to the décor. He's got taste and even though the kitchen is pretty awesome, there's so much more to see, so he turns to the left instead.
His blood freezes in his vein immediately.
This can't be happening.
It's probably a nightmare.
It must be a nightmare.
There's another person in the room.
Sebastian Smythe, that Sebastian Smythe, is here, leaning against the back of the sofa, one hand on Kurt's trolley (he dares to put his filthy hands on Kurt's trolley?), and an annoying smirk on his face, green arrogant eyes staring at Kurt in amusement as his face fills with panic.
"Look who's here." His ironic voice teases and Kurt, hearing it, feels like he's about to hit him.
"This can't be happening!" He murmurs, looking down.
He doesn't want this apartment anymore, doesn't want anything. The world is so big, why the hell has it to be Sebastian Smythe? It's unbelievable. There's only one good explanation: Sebastian is the owner of the apartment (Yes, Kurt would convince himself of anything that could justify Sebastian's presence there).
"Believe me, I'm as shocked as you are." Sebastian murmurs and Kurt is sure about the fact that he doesn't really mind from the smirk on his face. He's probably just amused.
It's not funny, no way.
"Any problems?" The owner asks – Kurt feels so disappointed now that he can see the two of them standing in front of him, looking at Sebastian, then to Kurt. "Is there something wrong with the apartment?" He asks, clearly worried.
"No, there isn't." Kurt answers, serious. "The apartment is perfect. It's just him, he's an idiot." He points at Sebastian who just shrugs. "I don't want to share an apartment with you!" He starts dramatically, so much that Sebastian Smythe in the flesh looks at the owner embarrassed.
"Would you mind leaving us alone, Eric? Just for a moment." Sebastian asks softly.
The owner, Eric, looks confused at the question, maybe because he is trying to understand if something had been going on between the two of them. Eventually, he raises his hands, giving up.
"I guess so. You are supposed to share an apartment, so maybe you should take your time to make some things clear." He answers, stepping towards the door. "I'll go check the other apartments are good too and when I come back, I hope you've decided … well, I don't know about what exactly. See you later!" He says as he leaves.
The silence falling between them is embarrassing. They look at each other, study each other like two enemies who are searching for a weak spot to hit with no mercy or kindness. Or at least, that's the scene in Kurt's eyes.
"Listen up, gay face," Sebastian breaks the silence, "we can … make this thing work if we try hard enough. It can't be too bad living together. I'll ignore you and your girl clothes and you'll ignore me and my fuck buddies."
Kurt's eyelids widen at the words. Not only the idea of having Sebastian wandering around his apartment is disgusting, but thinking about Sebastian having sex in his place totally makes him sick.
"That's gross." He says wincing, moving to grab his trolley. He pulls it, forcing Sebastian to take his filthy hands off of it while he stares at Kurt confused. "Goodbye Sebastian, it was a displeasure to see you again." He steps back, but Sebastian readily grabs his wrist.
Kurt's gaze immediately falls to where Sebastian's fingers wrap around his wrist, holding it firmly. It bothers him so much; he feels every muscle of his body stiffen so that he can keep from hitting Sebastian, because Kurt isn't that kind of person.
"Please," Sebastian begs though, and Kurt is totally shocked and hangs there with his mouth wide open. Luckily, Sebastian adds something to it, because Kurt is so stunned that he isn't sure he can even ask what this is about. "My parents won't give me a dollar, I've wasted all I had on alcohol and stupid stuff, and I can't afford renting a flat all alone."
Kurt lifts his eyebrows because he has no idea why Sebastian thinks Kurt is going to take pity on him. He doesn't want to help him, especially if Sebastian keeps on holding his wrist so unkindly. He tugs to get free of the hold, but Sebastian is too glued to him to let go, so Kurt eventually just sighs.
"Find another-"
"I can't," Sebastian answers immediately, wincing and making Kurt understand that if he could, he would rather have anyone else in his place, "Lessons will start soon and just an idiot like you could still be flat-less by now." He notices and Kurt would lift his eyebrows even more if it were possible.
"You're kidding, right?" He asks immediately, "You're an idiot too, we're taking this flat … together, this means that you weren't smart enough to do so before just like me." He says, but Sebastian is already rolling his eyes.
"Okay, have it, just two idiots like us could still be flat-less by now." He corrects and when Kurt nods, he lets go of his wrist. "I really want to go to college. I would be a disappointment to the whole Smythe family if I didn't, I'd be … the black sheep and I don't want that. If I end up not going to college, it's going to be your fault. You'd ruin my life just because you don't want to share a stupid apartment."
Kurt tightens his eyelids murderously.
"Are you kidding me? I don't want to share a stupid apartment? Do you have any idea about who you are? You tried to steal my boyfriend and when you failed, you tried to blind him, unwittingly though because it was me you wanted to hit. Realizing this wasn't enough for you, you blackmailed Rachel, who is my best friend, to post on the internet embarrassing and photoshopped pictures of my step brother. Do you have any idea how much I fucking hate you for what you did to me?"
Sebastian rolls his eyes and in that moment Kurt knows he is keeping from saying something mean or insulting him just because it's not useful to his task at all.
"I know," he groans, almost sick about himself for saying it, "Believe me, Kurt, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been that much of a bitch with you. I'd be an asshole anyway, but that was too much; and, believe me, it would have been so much worse if the slushie hit you …" He whispers before noticing that Kurt's just disappointed.
"Could you at least try and not to look like you're about to vomit when you say stuff like this?" He asks, annoyed, while he lifts an eyebrow, "You know, you're not really believable and even if you were, there's no way I'm living with you."
Sebastian sighs and puts his hands on his hips, holding them tightly and looking down towards the floor.
"What's your choice then?" He asks, looking back at Kurt after his fast thinking. Kurt winces and he's about to answer, though Sebastian seems like he doesn't want to give him a chance to. "How come you're here? I thought you would have preferred staying in a dorm with shrieking ladies like you instead of a shared apartment. How come you're here?" He asks again, but it only makes Kurt wince once more.
"It's none of your business." Kurt complains. "All you need to know is that I won't waste my money to live the annoyance of having to share my space with you. I wouldn't throw my money away like this!"
Kurt doesn't even realize he's so loud now, loud enough to make the room become silent when he ends the sentence. Before he realizes, they're already having their first New York fight and it must be some kind of proof of how they really can't live together. They started fighting before they even became flat mates.
They stay like this, in silence, looking anywhere but at each other, thinking about everything and nothing, and that's just because it has become embarrassing. They've known each other for years and they'd never quitted the banter, but they've never fought so loudly, and maybe that's just because they didn't have a chance to be alone like this.
"Kurt."
He lifts his gaze when Sebastian speaks and he tries to read his face. He isn't used to looking at him without that arrogant smirk, so he has to admit it, it's weird to see him like this, when he seems serious, like he wants to talk to Kurt for real. For a moment, Kurt feels like everything is up to him; it's up to him to choose about their apartment, about Sebastian's money and how he could use them somehow.
He hates the way it makes him feel guilty: no matter how much he hates Sebastian, he isn't the kind of person who knew how to play with someone's future anyway.
They stay in silence just a few moments more and Kurt thinks about how guilty he is going to feel later eventually and if it's right to feel like this. Sebastian had always been a bastard to him, he had never respected Kurt or anything that dealt with him, so he feels stupid for the way he feels now towards a person who was so mean to him.
"Fine." It's his last comment, while he keeps his gaze down and doesn't look at Sebastian, like he wants him to understand that this won't change things between them anyway. "Okay, I'll pay my part and I'll stay here, that's fine. But you better know that I'm doing this just because it bores me to search for another apartment right now. You and I won't talk to each other if it's not necessary; you don't exist and don't deserve my attentions, and it's already too much that I'm sharing my air with you."
Surprisingly, Sebastian doesn't answer.
When Kurt lifts his eyes, he stares at him while he listens. When Sebastian startles, Kurt realizes that maybe he felt a little hurt at the words and he showed it more than he actually wanted.
"I swear that if I didn't despise you that much, I could hug you now." He says, lifting an eyebrow and smirking, so that Kurt knows that he's come back to himself.
"Fine," he says again, swallowing just barely and trying not to allow this conversation to become embarrassing, "So I'll be arranging my stuff if you don't mind. It's already frustrating that you're here, so please don't talk unless it's important, so my mind can take a break, since I'm supposed to study." He says, wearing a sarcastic smile as he starts pulling his trolley around the apartment.
He stops in the middle of the room when he realizes that he has no idea where to go. He was following his instincts, but he hasn't seen the apartment yet, so he doesn't know where his room is.
He turns to Sebastian, a wondering look on his face, and he's a little shocked at the sorry and guilty face Sebastian is giving him, especially because he has no idea what is causing it. For a moment, he almost thinks that he might feel sorry for all that he did to Kurt and that maybe he was about to apologize.
"I have to tell you something," Sebastian murmurs instead and Kurt thinks it must be a huge deal if Sebastian isn't using his usual arrogant tone of voice, so he crosses his arms to his chest, sighing, well aware of the fact that the bad news isn't over yet. "There's just one bedroom."
/
The only positive thing about their cohabitation is that their college schedules are pretty different. Sebastian is studying law and almost all his lessons are in the afternoon; Kurt comes back then from his morning classes, so he can enjoy his apartment without that sick snake around.
The rest, all the rest is just crap.
Sebastian is easy, Kurt has always been quite aware of it, but he didn't think he could be that easy. They share the room and one of his worst nightmares is night. Sebastian doesn't know a thing about respect; he keeps on bringing his hook-ups in the room and Kurt is forced to turn in his own bed – thank God at least they have two beds – with music in his headphones so loud that it practically rapes his ears not to listen to moans and the whines. It's frustrating because things are completely different for Kurt. He doesn't look for one night stands and Sebastian if freaking attracted to every human being that has got a dick. The simple awareness of what happens behind his back – even without looking or listening – is making him spend most of his nights sleepless, which is horrible because it has an impact on his lessons at college: he doesn't pay attention, he almost falls asleep during his periods the next day.
Like that isn't enough, Sebastian – who should feel at least a little guilty for his inappropriate attitude – doesn't waste any occasion to make fun of him; there are nights when Sebastian just can't go out and hook-up because his student duty – he surprisingly cares about – forces him and then they can't avoid each other between those walls. Everything starts with a joke about the way Kurt dresses, every single thing Kurt does and then suddenly fights and real insults come in.
Kurt has lost the count of all the times he's said to Sebastian that he's nothing but a slut that ruins everybody's life (which is so much for Kurt who has never insulted anybody like this in his whole life) during those destructive fights.
He had thought so many times about leaving Sebastian there paying the rent all alone and just disappearing for a few days. He was curious to find out how Sebastian would have dealt with it, considering that his parents had stopped paying for him for reasons Kurt doesn't know a thing about. He would if only for the satisfaction of seeing Sebastian begging him to come back or something. Or maybe it's just because he needs a few days away from Sebastian before he goes through a nervous breakdown.
He is so stupidly nervous that he makes the mistake of rushing things again while he was instead trying to slowly rebuild up a relationship, as he is sitting at the table of their apartment this afternoon.
09/27/2012 – 05:01 pm To: Blaine: Tomorrow is going to be two weeks since I've moved here. I really need someone to talk to. I'm about to breakdown. Sometimes I get so angry that I feel like my head is exploding and I'm passing out. I can't take this anymore, and I know I'm bothering you, but Rachel is so freaking busy with NYADA and I just need to talk about it with someone because I feel uncomfortable and scared. I can't keep living like this in New York. I'm about to jump on the first train and go back to Lima.
Surprisingly though, things don't go the way he expected them to.
He puts the phone on the table and focuses on his notes, trying to remember all the combinations of colors and the meanings related. It stays like this, murmuring information with his eyes closed until the phone throbs, making him startle.
He takes it in his fingers and slides his thumb on the touch, shivering a little when he reads that the text is from Blaine.
09/27/2012 – 05:17 pm From: Blaine: Hey, what's up? You haven't been this nervous since Sebastian salt-slushied me. What's going on?
Kurt winces a little while a few considerations run through him quickly. First of all, he's shocked to realize that everytime he loses his nerves and turns into some crazy animal, it's only because of Sebastian, it doesn't matter that it's been a year since the last time. He's the only human being who is so sick to make him mad.
The second realization is unpleasant. Blaine didn't reply his texts for more than a month and now that he's done so, he isn't even apologizing. It's awkward that he seems so calm, it's like they kept in touch for all this time and Kurt has no idea what this is supposed to mean, but it hurts somehow, it hurts a lot.
He doesn't care now though. The only thing he wants in this very moment is that he's found someone who's willing to listen. It doesn't matter that it's Blaine (that Blaine), so he texts back quickly, almost like he's afraid Blaine might realize he actually texted Kurt back.
09/27/2012 – 05:24 pm To: Blaine: Sebastian. I need help. I know you might think it's just an excuse to get in touch with you or something, but I swear I really need to talk. If I don't vent, I'm going to explode. No aims in here and I get it if you don't want to talk to me, but I want you to know it's not just a way to … you know, whatever you might think it is.
He knows that whatever is going through Blaine's head right now would totally make sense. That's why he's pretty sure that Blaine is not going to allow it. Well, it means he'll have to bother Rachel.
When his iPhone throbs again though, Kurt is totally surprised and shocked.
09/27/2012 – 05:28 pm From: Blaine: I'm at Kev's for the weekend. Wanna come over and have a coffee?
Kurt smiles spontaneously. He really doesn't want to hit on Blaine to get him back, nothing like that. He's just happy that he has a chance to see him and talk to someone about his problem.
09/27/2012 – 05:30 pm To: Blaine: Ok. Gimme the address and I'll be there. Thanks.
He doesn't get a reply for the moment, but he's still grinning as he stares at the screen when Sebastian comes out of the hallway, making him startle.
He realizes too late that startling in front of Sebastian, almost jolting in his chair, only gives Sebastian a brand new chance to make fun of him. Well, he won't care, not today.
"Are you okay?" Sebastian asks sarcastically, throwing his own bag onto the couch – yeah, Kurt tells him not to do so every single day – "You were staring at your phone and you're starting to creep me out. I guess you've finally found out how to jerk off to porn, but could you please keep that in the bedroom?"
Kurt shakes his head, closing his textbox and puts his phone back on the table. And then he's focused on his notes again as he tries to ignore Sebastian's stupid jokes, considering that he has an important exam coming and he won't allow that arsehole to screw it.
But it's probably not his lucky day because Sebastian doesn't give up just yet. If there's something Kurt's learned about Sebastian is how childish he can be. He can't stand the idea of not being the center of everyone's attention. Getting ignored is the worst torture to him.
"Look, you really don't need to pretend that you were studying." He moves in and sits on a chair, opposite to Kurt. "I mean, I fuck in our room all the time, so I can't judge you or anything. Just … if you'll end up having lady sex with your friend, you know, the one with the trunk, could you not do it here? The idea of lesbian sex makes me even sicker than straight couples making out."
Kurt keeps his eyes focused on his sheets, turning pages and trying to ignore whatever Sebastian is saying because he knows how much Sebastian hates it. Of course, Sebastian won't give up yet.
"You should probably go back to jacking off. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Since your hand is probably the only sexual company you might ever get, I would be way too rude to keep you from doing that. Maybe it was your first time. Had you ever touched yourself before? Oh wait, is there something to touch down there?"
Kurt bites the inside of his mouth because living with Sebastian is totally having a bad influence on him. For a moment, he's about to reply that, if he wants, he can touch himself to see if there's something there. Because there is and Kurt is pretty sure it's quite relevant even.
But he doesn't.
"You know what? I'm sure you've never even touched yourself before; I mean, if I were you, I would never jack off because you suck so bad I'd be embarrassed to touch myself-"
"Shut up!" Kurt yells, finally looking up to meet his eyes. Sebastian lifts his eyebrows in surprise at the reaction. "You're pathetic. I've been here for two weeks and you're just repeating your ridiculous lines all the time. Get a life, and by that I don't mean screw a different person every night because that's not living. It's just what you came down to because you're awful and no one would want to spend more than 20 minutes with you."
The tiny weakness Sebastian is showing him - his lips slightly parted as he blinks - gets washed off when Sebastian leans over the table and towards Kurt.
"You don't have to be jealous, Kurt." He says amused. "I realize that no one would even spend a night with you because they'd be so scared to find out what's in there. And I also know that, for whatever reason Blaine dumped you – I'm sure it was a good one, you're still hurt because you're aware that no one will ever be willing to go through your breakdowns during period again, but you don't have to be jealous of me because of that."
Kurt feels weak.
He feels weak and humiliated and has to keep himself from swallowing at the thought that someone might use such a mean personal thing against him.
"I'm not jealous of you." He whispers weakly, standing up and gathering his things, as he winces in disgust. "There's nothing to be jealous about. I could be jealous of a person, a human being, but you're just a hole to fill up and I don't see what there's to envy about that."
Sebastian is already smugly opening his mouth to reply but Kurt is walking away from him, so he follows the movement with his gaze.
"At least someone does fill me!" He complains, staring in confusion when Kurt comes out of the bedroom as he puts on his coat. "Hey, where the hell are you going?" He stands up abruptly. "It's raining the ocean out there, you can't go out."
Kurt lets the coat fit along his arms and then he looks up to Sebastian again, even though he doesn't manage to hide the moisture in his eyes, that weakness he totally didn't want to show him.
"I'm sorry that the fact that we share this apartment makes you think you own my life too." He passes by Sebastian and walks to the door. "At least I have a life." He whispers, one last disdainful look before he gets to the door.
"What life, Kurt?" Sebastian asks from behind him, spreading his arms, annoyed and bothered at the way Kurt's snubbing him. "The fact that I ignore you all the time doesn't mean I don't see what you're doing. Do you think you can call that a life? You spend all your days waiting for a text."
Kurt sighs and he turns to him, one last time.
"Wow. Since you're so attentive about details, I'm surprised you thought I was jerking off to porn. I wasn't waiting for a text. I just got one." He smiles falsely at him. "I hope you're happy for me." He snaps ironically and before Sebastian can reply, he's out of that apartment.
/
During the next day, they have some sort of break.
Not that they've actually settled up for a deal because from the moment Kurt came back to their apartment, they ignored each other.
Kurt isn't sure how to feel about that. There's a small part of him that wants to apologize to Sebastian, but it's just because he's a good boy. He knows Sebastian isn't going to do the same, but he also knows he isn't the kind of person who says that kind of things, he doesn't get so offensive. Not that he feels sorry towards Sebastian because it's not like Sebastian was hurt at his words, but his conscience isn't clean and he knows it won't until he does apologize.
And yet he has to admit that Sebastian doesn't seem to agree. He doesn't even look at Kurt, which is not that bad, considering that it means he's also not insulting him. Kurt knows it's momentary, but he wants to enjoy the calm for now.
He knows that there's going to be a moment when Sebastian won't be able to bite the inside of his mouth to keep himself anymore (Kurt can see he does even though Sebastian tries to hide it) and he will throw some insult at him, and everything will go back to the way they are with each other.
It's stupid of him to think about it now but Kurt had thought Sebastian couldn't have any effect on his broken heart right now; not when he's sitting on the couch with Blaine opposite to him, a cup of hot tea in his hands. But he kind of has an effect. Kurt looks down and sighs, trying to keep it discreet so that his ex-boyfriend won't notice, because Blaine kindly offered his help in this situation and Kurt can't be unkind enough to pay him back with all this awkwardness, or worse, with resentment.
"So, do you want to talk about it?" Blaine asks, his sweet voice sounding as perfect as ever, "You don't look well, Kurt. You're always so concerned about your skin, but I can see bags under your eyes."
Memories of their daily life in the past don't help the situation, but because he knows Blaine, Kurt is sure he's not doing it on purpose. He probably didn't even consider that it might hurt Kurt, otherwise he wouldn't have said that (or maybe Blaine is totally underlining it on purpose, because he thinks hearing that will make Kurt stronger and more aware about their break-up).
"It's …" Kurt hesitates for long before he actually manages to pronounce the name; he hasn't said anything to Blaine about the situation yet, "about Sebastian."
Blaine lifts his triangular eyebrows, a smile suddenly arching on his face as surprise lights up his hazel eyes.
"Wow, I didn't-"
"No, oh my God!" Kurt cuts in immediately when he realizes what's going on in Blaine's mind. "I didn't mean it that way! It's quite the opposite actually. I can't take this anymore, we're living together and-" Fuck. That sounds pretty bad too.
"Sebastian and you? Wow, I have to say I've never thought you guys could … get together, but things can change eventually?" Blaine shrugs and smiles. "I mean, maybe we could go out on double dates, that would be cute, and I'd like to know how Sebastian is doing."
The fact itself that Blaine is even considering Sebastian and he as a couple makes something clench uncomfortably in Kurt's stomach, and that's not only because the idea of it totally makes him sick, but because Blaine doesn't even look a little jealous at the idea that Kurt might be dating someone else (well, it's like he should be jealous, but Kurt he would be, just a little).
"We're not dating." He utters, before it goes too far. "And we're not even friends actually. It was pretty random, we wanted to get the same apartment and we were both having a rough time, so we had the worst idea ever aka sharing so that we spent half of the money." Blaine's expression goes back to normal, so Kurt continues. "He's making my life impossible, I have to stand his disgusting sexual encounters all the time, I have to go through his insults when I need to stay focused on my studies, and he even 'accidentally' stained my linen shirt with coffee …"
"Kurt," Blaine interrupts and Kurt looks at him immediately, "Don't tell me you didn't see this coming." He sounds like he's scolding him almost. "Sebastian and you can't even breathe the same air, this was doomed to happen. Why did you even accept to live with him if you knew this was going to happen?"
Kurt sighs and rolls his eyes.
"Believe me, you have no idea." He sinks against the back of the couch. "Sebastian is so much worse than he seemed in high school. I thought I was going to survive his stupid jokes and inappropriate comments but that's not it. I realized I had better expectations about him, can you believe it?"
Blaine leans in then, elbows on his knees and thumbs stroking the cup in his hands as he sits opposite to Kurt.
"Maybe you just need to relax, Kurt. If you want another apartment, I can talk to Kev. I don't think it would be a problem if you stayed here until you find a new one. Even though I think, you know, it's so not you to give up like this instead of fighting back." He shrugs and looks at Kurt. "Maybe Sebastian and you just need to face things in a different way. You should stop teasing each other for once and just talk about the fact that you live together and when people share an apartment, it's important to respect each other's spaces, otherwise it might drive you crazy."
Kurt shivers at the painful realization that Blaine found out so many things, he grew up with another person and it wasn't him. They always planned on growing up together. They might have been joking but Kurt is sure there was something serious in the way they were speaking about it. It's one of the things that have him thinking that he's not a teenager anymore and that all those teen illusions can't be part of his way of thinking anymore. All those projects made during adolescence have been blown away, there's nothing but an occasional friendship now.
"You tried to talk to him, didn't you? To tell him that he's driving you crazy?" Blaine asks, but Kurt's eyes go wide, like he's panicking at the thought alone of it. "No, God, Kurt, not like that." Blaine corrects. "I meant the fact that it might have consequences on your college grade. I don't think Sebastian is that awful to take responsibilities with that."
Kurt rolls his eyes because Blaine has totally no idea who they're talking about. And yet he's sure that Sebastian and he had some kind of friendship in high school. So Blaine should know.
"He is destroying me, Blaine. I swear I have never met such an egoistic asshole. He doesn't care about anything." He breathes in for a moment. "He has sex with randoms in the same room where I sleep, and he doesn't even ask for permission or apologize for that. He's the most horrible person on earth, maybe in the whole universe." Kurt complains, realizing that it wouldn't even be an exaggeration.
"Wow … I think I've never noticed." Blaine says, looking down thoughtfully as if he's trying to remember something about Sebastian that could make him guess he was like this indeed.
Kurt wants to tell him that of course Blaine didn't know because if he did, Kurt's senior year would have been so much better. He wouldn't have to through all the problems he had with having to stand the way Sebastian flirted with Blaine when they were dating. If Blaine wouldn't have been so needy to get compliments, he would have realized back then how awful Sebastian is.
"I know, I mean … I knew that he was no good, but even if I spent days at the Lima Bean insulting him, I couldn't have imagined he was this terrible." Kurt sighs at the thought of all the offensive things they've thrown at each other since they started live together. "At first, it was stupid jokes and stuff, and I don't want to be offensive because you know I'm not like that and I feel guilty even if he insults me right back," Blaine nods, sipping from his cup.
"I know," he says, putting the cup down for a moment, "I know what kind of person you are. And I understand that you might feel guilty because coming down to his level must be exhausting." He sighs but then he looks up to Kurt. "But I just don't get how you guys could agree on living together, you know each other. I mean, life in New York is already hard without this new amount of stress, isn't it?"
Kurt groans because Blaine is so right and he has no idea how Sebastian looked so desperate to move Kurt so that he would accept.
"I feel like I'm on the edge, really." He utters, fidgeting with his fingers on his thighs and wrinkling his lips. "I'm so nervous that I could breakdown and cry right now, and I'm not sure I would ever realize."
For long moments, they stay in silence and Kurt takes advantage of it to think about what happened, to remember the words, the faces, anything. He should stop thinking about it but Sebastian had gone hard on him and hurt him in his open wounds; that's what makes it harder to forget. For a moment, Kurt doesn't even remember he is still sitting with Blaine.
"Can I give you some advice?" Blaine asks suddenly, so Kurt has to look up to him again. He nods, so Blaine continues. "I know it might seem stupid at first but K and I found a strange way to … calm ourselves down when we're nervous."
Kurt lifts his eyebrows, chewing his lip because he's afraid that Blaine is going to let out some detail about their 'intimate' life and Kurt is so not ready for that, not when he feels so vulnerable. And yet again, here he is, nodding because he knows that by now he's willing to accept anything that might help him fix this situation.
"Okay, but you have to promise not to judge before I'm done explaining."
That doesn't come out too well, but Kurt knows that Blaine is a little overdramatic sometimes, so he's probably exaggerating. He nods once more and waits for an explanation – actually for his salvation.
"Okay, it's bondage, it's-" Blaine spits out but Kurt is already looking shocked and Blaine notices. "Huh-uh. You don't get to judge before I'm done, remember?" Kurt wrinkles his lips. How is he going to listen to this? It's crazy. What could bondage possibly have to do with it at all?
"I really don't think that can help." He whispers, trying not to voice his thoughts about where his sweet high school Blaine has gone. He feels he's throwing their sex life in his face or something. "I don't even know what that has to do with me," He groans and Blaine leans in to put his cup on the table again.
"I'm not talking about that in bed," Blaine shakes his head at Kurt's skeptical face, "Yeah, I mean, it is sexual but there's more than that. They hold some lessons at a center close to here and … well, we found out it can help you find your focus and get over your nerves. It's helpful for stress and-"
"Blaine." Kurt rolls his eyes, aware that his next words are going to hurt and make him feel embarrassed to death. "You know I have no one to practice that with, don't you? You are the last person I slept with."
It hurts.
The confession is just painful, it's so much more. It wounds his pride too because Kurt he's realizing that he wasn't capable of having sex with anyone which makes his sexual life just as boring as Sebastian said it was.
"I told you it's not sexual." Blaine ignores the confession luckily. "During lessons, they teach you how to do it, there are also some interesting tools. I can assure you that it's relaxing … and there are so many things about it, I had no idea. It's not extreme; it's just a way to soothe your body and your brain. I swear it works."
Kurt still looks skeptical. His eyebrow is lifted and he can't stop chewing his lower lip.
"I'm not sure." He murmurs again, looking away from Blaine as he blushes. "I don't think it would be helpful. Like, why would I need it? What for?" He asks hesitantly and looks up when he hears Blaine rummaging in the little drawers beside the couch. He pulls out some magazines.
"You can give it a try though." Blaine shrugs. "You could go to one lesson and see if it helps you out. The first one is free, so it's not like you're forced to go to the next ones. It would just be a way to get some relax. Let's call it a distraction."
Kurt sighs in slowly. He really doesn't want to give this a try, it's so inappropriate and he has no idea how Blaine could suggest it; and yet, he has to admit, his gaze wandered down curious to the magazines in Blaine's hands, which means he kind of wants to find out more now.
He sighs more evidently and Blaine lifts his eyebrows, trying to hide the little smile arching on his face. Kurt's heart aches a little as he remembers about Blaine's enthusiasm when Kurt accepted his suggestions; but being in this apartment, with Kevin's spiritual ghost filling the space makes him understand that it's finally time to turn this page and surrendering to the idea that Blaine and he will always be friends. That's it.
"Maybe I could do that," He murmurs, looking down again as he tries to avoid Blaine's growing smile. He knows he should get used to this, but he just doesn't feel like doing it now.
"It's okay." Blaine hands the magazines. "You can keep them for a few days to mark the schedule of the lessons or anything you need. Maybe you could bring them over to Kevin if I'm back to Lima already."
"Hmm okay." Kurt looks up again, taking the magazines and being very careful not to touch Blaine's hand in the progress. "I was never the kind of boy to be into these things, but-"
"Kurt," Blaine says and Kurt just stares at him for once, "Can I be honest with you?" He asks sincerely and Kurt has no idea what he means, "Can I just say what I think without either of us being embarrassed?"
"Sure." Kurt whispers, but he actually feels unsure. This conversation has been taking the wrong directions so many times already, he's not sure he won't be embarrassed to what Blaine is going to say next.
"You're not the way you think you are." Blaine says cryptically. "I mean, I dated you and I can't understand why you keep on underestimating your sexuality. You're dominant in bed, I know it, and maybe you should start reconsidering yourself too."
Kurt does blush and maybe the room feels just a little hotter at Blaine's words. Blaine doesn't look like he is going to stop because of that though. It's like he thinks this conversation might actually help Kurt feel better.
"I have no idea why you have such little consideration of yourself when it comes to that. Maybe you should take some of the estimation you have for your person and put it in the way you see your body too. You're handsome, Kurt – I mean it – and may find out many things that you didn't even think could please you, but they actually do."
Kurt rolls his eyes, panic slowly building inside him. He knows that Blaine is trying to be supportive but it's not going to help; Kurt lives with Sebastian and living with Sebastian has only one advantage: he's one hundred per cent sure of what Sebastian says to him; when Sebastian insults his looks, Kurt knows that Sebastian is being brutally honest, so being with him every single day kind of makes it harder for him to build proper self-esteem in that field.
Kurt is okay with it. There are things about him he's proud of, so the fact that he might not be ideal when it comes to attractiveness doesn't hurt that much.
"I really don't think bondage would be in my kinks," He shrugs, "but maybe I can try and see how relaxing it can be. It's not like I have any other ideas to survive Sebastian, really. I'm running out of those."
Blaine nods, but Kurt can read on his face that he's not satisfied with the answer. It's probably because Kurt ignored most of his encouraging speech.
"I guess I should go," he says a little awkwardly, just trying to avoid that this situation gets any weirder. He stands up, holding the little magazines Blaine gave him and staring as Blaine is making his way to the door, no further complaint.
They say their goodbyes quickly, then Kurt takes care of hiding the magazines in the internal pockets of his jacket, because he has no intention of walking along the street of New York with such things in his hand. He ignores the little shiver that runs along his spine when Blaine leans in and presses an innocent and friendly kiss on his cheek. He's going back to his infernal apartment.
/
Kurt spends the next few days going through the schedules of those meetings. Luckily for him, Blaine and Kevin are fussy that they marked their personal schedule, which means Kurt can pick up the most unusual times just so that he won't meet them. Not that he wants to avoid them for other reasons that aren't that it would make him uncomfortable to go through a bondage lesson with his ex-boyfriend and the guy his ex-boyfriend is dating at the moment. To be honest, he's not ready for that.
That means, of course, that he's sitting in an almost empty room (honestly, who would sign in for group bondage at 11 pm?) late at night with a rope on his lap. It feels so much heavier than it should, maybe because it's a metaphor for Kurt's discomfort.
They're just at the beginning of it, the people in the room have taken minutes to introduce themselves, but Kurt is already revaluating his choice. He clearly doesn't belong here, c'mon, he's got a rope on his legs and he is probably going to tie something with it. He doesn't manage to picture himself doing so, either for fun or just to relax.
Surprisingly though, things go very differently from what he had expected.
The lesson lasts for about two hours and Kurt is shocked at realizing that just working on knots along the rope, the coordinated movement and the tension of his hands, does relax him. He spends most of these two hours blushing and stuttering senselessly everytime a pretty guy – why do they even have pretty instructors anyway – made a joke about how shy and clumsy he looked like, but at the end of it, while walking along the dark streets of New York, he has to admit that maybe he should thank Blaine after all. For the first time in so long, Kurt can breathe in the air of the city without feeling stressed and tired.
He even smiles stupidly as he holds one of the bags that bizarre agency gives away. It contains a few ropes to use at home and practice daily. He smiles because he can picture himself doing so, sitting on a chair in this new alternative version of crochet. At least he found a way to relax himself before he gets to study.
It gives him so many positive perspectives but the truth is, things are going to get so much better than he thinks they would (maybe even better than he would ever want them to be).
When he gets home, he looks up to their flat from the street. He can't help but notice that the lights are on. It doesn't surprise him. Actually, Sebastian might be with one of his hook-ups, which is also not surprising. Kurt is not going to give him the satisfaction of just walking away and letting him have the apartment to himself, not tonight.
He takes the elevator and when he reaches for the door, he feels self-confident, a lot more than he had felt during the first weeks in New York. He knocks on the door, wearing a smirk on his face at the thought of interrupting whatever Sebastian is doing. Even if Sebastian won't open the door, Kurt has his keys ready. It's not like he's going to miss his chance to screw up Sebastian's plans.
Surprisingly though, there's no need for him to look for his keys.
Against his predictions, Sebastian opens the door for him, hair in a mess and face looking sleepy (it's kind of the same face he has everytime he falls asleep on the couch while watching TV). He looks surprised to see him. Kurt is shocked to even notice a little smile on his face.
"I thought you were never going to come back," is what Sebastian says, "Do you have any idea what time it is? I thought they kidnapped you or something."
Kurt's eyes go wide and he feels pretty skeptical. He's not sure why Sebastian would even care about him being kidnapped. His life would have been better without Kurt, and to be honest, Kurt thinks he'd live better with his kidnappers too.
He knows he's not joking because when Sebastian is awake enough to realize what he said, he tries to make up for it, going back to their usual pattern.
"I couldn't afford paying a ransom, but I couldn't pay the rent for this place by myself either." He moves away from the doorframe. "So if you're going to get yourself kidnapped, please make a check out to me, please."
That's Sebastian Smythe. Maybe sleep does bad things to him.
Kurt doesn't hesitate to walk in, holding his bag close to his torso so that Sebastian won't see and get interested in it. Without even saying a word to him, Kurt walks to his door and then puts the bag under the bed, hiding it from Sebastian's sight. He has no idea why Sebastian is following him to the room though.
"Kurt," Sebastian whispers behind him and Kurt turns, surprised at the way his voice sounds, nothing but teasing for once, "You have no idea how hard it is for me to say this but … I'm sorry," He keeps his gaze down, not looking at Kurt, "I know we tease each other a lot and we don't really like each other, but what I told you was wrong and way too much. I didn't want to bring up Blaine. I should have kept it to joking about how much of a girl you are, but apparently I'm too much of an asshole to resist the temptation of having you walking out with a storm going on because you can't stand breathing the same air as I-"
"Enough." Kurt interrupts, but only when he looks at Sebastian he feels like he's stopped so much more than just excuses. That's probably because they're silent now and it's becoming embarrassing. "I know. I know that … you don't always want to do what you happen to do and say, but don't make things weird now. I would totally stand being in the same room as you if you stopped acting like an idiot all the time." He scolds him, holding his hands tightly to his own chest and looking as Sebastian breathes in deeply.
"I can't promise anything, I guess you know that." Sebastian doesn't sound too worried. "You know who I am but … I'd like to apologize for all the things I'm going to say to you in the future."
"Well, that's okay." Kurt shrugs. "I'm totally ready for whatever you might throw at me, so it shouldn't be a problem. I'm sure I'll get through it." He says vaguely, looking around the room. It makes Sebastian curious and has him lifting his eyebrow.
"Please, don't tell me you got another boyfriend," He groans ironically, but Kurt shakes his head and walks by him.
"It's a secret!" He hisses playfully before he walks out of the room and onto the couch, looking for the remote. He hopes Sebastian is at least a little frustrated at not knowing what Kurt is hiding from him.