Disclaimer: I own nothing – not the characters or the songs…I'm just playing with them. This story is set after Lifeline…when we left our favourite duo they were standing in front of the Admiral touching hands as Mac and Mic were about to cut the cake.
This is a 3 part song fic I thought I'd start now – due to a few requests….
This story, in its entirety, is for Peggy…some days are diamonds and some days need some help…hope this helps.
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Harm sat in his darkened apartment frustrated and lonely. He had spent the night reluctantly celebrating the engagement of his best friend and his deepest regret was that she was marrying Brumby. Well, not quite, he reminded himself, it was that she wasn't marrying him.
"Harm, are you coming to bed?" It was Renee calling from the other room.
"Yeah, in a minute, Honey," he replied. He felt badly about the situation with Renee, she loved him and he knew he liked her, but love, well, that was another thing entirely.
He wandered into the bedroom reluctantly and slipped into bed, thinking all the while about Mac and what she would be doing. He quickly tried to get the images out of his head; she wasn't with him, that's all he needed to know. Renee leaned over and kissed him. She wanted to take it further but Harm feigned exhaustion and closed his eyes. He would need to be honest with Renee, he shouldn't lead her on.
When Harm awoke from a restless sleep he realised it was a little before 0500. Renee was sound asleep and he took the opportunity to slide out of the bed and don his running gear. He took to the pavement and started running. The streetlights lit his way and with very little traffic to contend with his mind drifted.
As Mac's words about them being too good at saying goodbye echoed through his brain he began running faster and faster. Harm knew the words were true, whenever their relationship showed signs of moving beyond friendship one of them said goodbye. Sometimes through chance and sometimes through circumstance but it was goodbye nonetheless.
It was a car horn which brought him back to reality, he had been running for nearly an hour and he looked around confused, trying to determine where he was. He was surprised to find he was standing in front of Crown Café, a place where he and Mac had often frequented when they had collaborated on cases. It was a convenient place located only ten minutes from her apartment. He had been running to Mac and hadn't realised it.
Every fibre of his being urged him to run the extra ten minutes to her door and had this been any other morning he would have. But this was the morning after her engagement and it certainly was not appropriate, although, truth be told, neither was the kiss they had shared on the Admiral's porch last night.
He took in a few deep breaths and took one last look around, the sky was beginning to lighten and he could see a few more joggers on the streets. He shook his head in an effort to clear his mind before his run home, it wasn't much help.
With every step he took images of Mac came to him. He could see the smile that could make him melt, he could feel her tender kiss on his lips, and he could see that look on her face the one which was reserved just for him, the look that meant he was special. How could you be such a fool? He admonished himself.
If he had any gumption he would have taken the risk and told Mac he wanted her when they were on board the ferry in Sydney Harbour. She had made her intentions clear but he had backed away.
"You idiot," he yelled at himself.
As a result, he had pushed her further into Mic's arms and that was the last thing had he wanted to do. Harm disliked Mic intensely and it went beyond his involvement with Mac, at least that's what Harm believed. Mic was the one person who pushed his buttons, who stood up to him and made him realise he couldn't have everything his own way – he couldn't have Mac.
Harm preferred to blame Mic for his own failures. In his heart he knew it was not Mic stopping a relationship between him and Mac, it was himself. He knew if he had the guts to go to Mac and tell her he loved her she would leave Mic. He knew she was with Mic because she wanted to be loved by someone not because she necessarily loved him. He knew the current circumstances were due to his inability to make a commitment, to take a chance. Despite all this knowledge he still blamed Mic - it was much easier.
He arrived back at his apartment saturated in sweat and physically and emotionally exhausted. His body felt the full effects of a two hour run but it was his heart which was under enormous strain. Decisions would have to be made. "No" he corrected himself; he didn't need to decide anything. Everything had become crystal clear on his run. What he needed was to be a man and act on them. With this thought ringing in his ears he opened the apartment door and saw Renee, fully dressed, sitting on the sofa, she had been crying. Terrific, just what I need,"he thought to himself.
"Renee, what is it?" he asked mustering some level of concern in his voice.
"I woke up and you were gone…" she began.
"I went for a run," he interrupted but she just talked over him.
"So I just lay there thinking of the step Mac and Mic were taking and it dawned on me that we aren't walking in that direction at all, are we?" Renee looked at Harm who was struggling to find the words.
It was at this time, when Renee's insecurities came to the fore, usually about Mac, he would placate her and reassure her but he couldn't do it this time.
"Renee, I…" he didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound harsh and uncaring.
"I turned your stereo on. I didn't know you were a Trisha Yearwood fan," she said as she walked to the stereo.
"Yeah, I met her once. I thought she was pretty good," Harm replied, wondering where this was going.
"Harm, there's so much I want to say to you, to try and figure out but when I heard this song it said it all. I just ask that you listen to it carefully and make an honest decision." She hit play and walked to the door. "I love you." Were her last words as the door closed and the music begun. Harm sank down into the armchair and listened as Trisha's voice filled the room
LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE
I think you do, then I think you don't
Maybe you will, maybe then you won't
Don't understand, baby, why you can't
Just call it quits if you can't commit
I know what I want, I know how I feel
But I don't want your love if it ain't real, no
I think it's time you made up your mind
Baby, what's your plan? I need to understand it
(Chorus 1:)
Are you gonna love me or leave me?
Don't say that you need me
Not if you really want to let me go
You don't know how much it hurts me
Show me some mercy
Baby, just love me or leave me alone
You needed time, so I gave you that
To figure out where your heart is at
What do you say? Do you go or stay?
Is it no or yes? I shouldn't have to guess if...
(Chorus 2:)
You're gonna love me or leave me
Don't say that you need me
Not if you really want to let me go
You don't know how much it hurts me
Show me some mercy
Baby, just love me or leave me alone
Harm sat forward and held his head in his hands. How could he have done this to Renee? He cared about her, he liked the fact he had someone who cared about him, that he was loved and yet he had known all along he wasn't in love with her. He thought this was something he could overcome, he had been wrong. He knew, for Renee's sake, he would have to leave her alone. She was a good woman who deserved better than he had given her. There were things she did which drove him crazy but she had always been honest, something he had not extended to her. He thought he had protected Renee from being hurt but if this song reflected her true feelings then he had failed miserably.