General A/N: As I can no longer be bothered to write full-length Furuba fics (mostly because I'm trying to finish two already), anything Furuba-inspired will be jotted down as oneshots and drabbles, all in one place, to get them out of my system. Themes will include: gen, yaoi/shounen-ai, het, humour, angst, etc, from various points of view. And has to be said that most but not all will include Akito in some way or another. XD I can't help it.
Title: The Taste of Freedom
Rating: PG-13 for drama, angst, tragedy, swearing, implied character death.
Character(s)/Pairing: Akito, Shigure, Hatori, Aya, with mentions of Tohru and all the Juunishi.
Summary: Akito, dying, remembers the fateful moments that led to his decision to break the curse, and how it would lead him to his doom…and release. Written in four parts.
Warning(s): Suspension of disbelief required, imagine that Akito has the power to break the Zodiac bond if he wanted to. Possibly OOC. And AKITO IS A BOY – if you don't like male Akito, run away now.
Comment(s): This is so much CRACK XDAlso remember Akito is looking back on these events, which explains why there are some present-tense interjections.
PART I: DARK BEGINNINGS
Now that I'm older, and more dead then alive, I try and pinpoint the exact moment I stumbled on the idea of freeing everyone from the curse.
I remember it being at a time when I was in one of my manic depressive moods. I wouldn't have thought of something so seemingly absurd if I'd been thinking rationally.
I'd been in a dark place at the time. I would look up into the future and see unending crawling walls of misery and sickness with only a small circle of light high above. It was like being at the bottom of a well. A well that I'd dug with my bare hands. And every day it kept on sinking deeper. My nails, black with the grit of my soul.
Yes. Things were looking bad for me. I was bowed and broken under the weight of my curse, my chronic illness, those spirits that sucked the vitality from my veins – my Zodiac. My thoughts were dark and heavy. I wouldn't sleep. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't wash. I yelled at Hatori to leave me alone and stay the fuck away from me. Not even Kureno or Shigure were allowed to come near. God wanted to rot away in his solitude.
I kept myself locked in my room. Because I never rested, my eyes grew hollow and staring, my face gaunt, my skin pale and waxen as a corpse's. That's all I was – an animated corpse.
After only a couple of days my weak body felt like a car wreck. I developed nervous twitching, a tic manifested near the corner of my mouth. Finding no energy to burn for warmth, my body began shivering, and then couldn't stop. My teeth chattering like skeletal dice. My throat and chest phlegm-filled. Insomnia was my only guest. Like the house-crasher who wouldn't leave, it stayed and stayed and kept me up all night with sounds and thoughts and idle dreams. I must've spent hours lying on my grey sheets wrapped in its tight arms.
At first my only thoughts were those that I'd been over before: suicide, self-pity, self-loathing, misery. Suicide had once been a very attractive option. I would imagine various elaborate and prepared scenarios of my own death; morbid little offerings that presented themselves to me, swaying and smiling. An overdose: I had access to dozens of drugs more powerful then anything you could get in any hospital; cold sleek pretty little pills that could kiss me into eternal oblivion.
I had the means. What I lacked was the will. Every time I eyed my little orange canisters I would see, in my mind's eye, Hatori walking into my bedroom and finding me on the floor wretchedly ill with vomit trickling from my mouth. Because that's what I feared most: the possibility of failure.
I could've slit my wrists. I could do that. Physical pain was nothing to me. I could've drawn myself a hot bath, washing carefully, and then lain back my head, hair wet and weeping, taken hold of the razor, and slit my wrists. Two vertical slashes, up and down both forearms. Slashing horizontally just means you'll cut vital nerve tendons so even if you don't die; your hands will be useless. I knew that. I always thought of everything.
And how, in the end, would I die? Lying supine, scrubbed and soapy in the water, with my wrists dangling, dripping bloody little rivulets onto the fluffy matt and the bath's ceramic sides. Die bathed and bloody, like the Roman emperors.
I digress. No doubt you're wondering how I, Sohma Akito, Zodiac God, decided to do something so against my nature: release those who are precious to me. My Juunishi. Be patient. I have a few hours left to me, and no more.
I remember; it began with this single thought: I wanted the freedom to choose my own death. I wanted to decide for myself whether I would live or die. To not have this hateful fate.
When I came out of this reverie it was the third day of my self-inflicted confinement and I was so fragile and ill I could only shuffle, swaying, like an old man across my floor. Once I mustered up the strength I unlocked my door quietly and stuck my head around it. Down the corridor light spilled under Hatori's office door. A tray of lukewarm food was at my feet, Hatori knowing that I would have to eat something sometime. I bent over…listing, tilting, in a slow collapse, and tugged it back into my room.
Eating was slow and clumsy. I was like a retarded child. I spilt mush down my front, letting food dribble down my chin because my mouth wouldn't close all the way, dropping my chopsticks and utensils. After a while the grey cataracts fogging my vision disappeared.
I was still at the bottom of my well. Only now, the light high above seemed a little brighter.
I had reached a decision. There were only two things left in this world that I wanted: to live forever, and to die completely free.
I know. It's impossible to have both. I am cursed to die young, I cannot live forever. Even if I was healthy (I stopped wishing for health long ago!) I would still die. I am a mortal God. I am human. So I wish for liberation. Not for the liberation of death – that isn't certain – but for liberation in death. To die with no regrets. No obligations. No guilty promises. Nothing.
The problem was, I was bound. Chained by the Zodiac bond. So many lives were tethered to my own. Because, long long ago, God told all the animals, You must make me a promise. Stay with me forever. You must never leave.
But me...I would leave the never-ending banquet. Me, a human boy, against my fate.
I would do it.
I am God, I reasoned. As I nurture these bonds, so I can cut them away, every single one at once. I am the only one of the Zodiac who can do that. Release them. Release them all – no ties to hold me back! They, unfettered, will not die. The curse will be broken.
And we would all be free.
Don't mistake my intentions. I held no soppy, glorified ideas of repentance. Hardship and suffering made me too bitter and cruel for that. Oh, I regretted what I did to Hatori and Yuki, but I love them more then most. My last act would wipe away that regret. As much as my Juunishi make me what I am, I was being selfish to the last. Breaking the curse would free them, but it would also free me of them, which is what I wanted. All my duties and responsibilities as Sohma clan-leader, flung away in one single burst.
Just once, I wanted to live…and die…for me.
I brought my head up from where it had sunk between my shoulders. I was delirious from lack of sustenance and sleep. Perhaps that was the reason my idea made so much sense to me. Either way, now, reminiscing, dying, it doesn't matter anymore.
I remember Shigure and Hatori walking in and lifting me up by the shoulders, quiet and careful, and laying me out on my bed. They undressed me, washed me, put me back in bed, listened patiently to my febrile murmurings. They talked as if I couldn't hear them. Their words floated in dreamy bubbles around my head. Anti-depressants, Hatori said, could help him. We shouldn't have let it go as far as it did. But…
Yes, Shigure answered, it was hard to disobey God.
So loyal. I felt like crying. Would they still be so devoted after their bonds had been cut?
And then…unconsciousness.
Awake. I felt horrible. Sat up propped against my pillows, the agonising weight of my ribcage and sternum bearing down on my lungs. I breathed, in slow shallow bursts. A thin IV almost skewered my wasted hand. I'd learned from Hatori that I'd been asleep for two days.
He watched me in some concern…Ha'ri, my Ha'ri. Oh god, it's much too late for me to cry…If there is an afterlife (I hope there is), then I will always remember him as I saw him on that day: seated next to my bed, with one long leg crossed over the other, leaning forward, elbow on knee, his melancholy eyes, his starched shirt, his smell of clean laundry, the dangling stethoscope. My Dragon, no longer mine.
He didn't ask me why I did this to myself, but I saw the question in his eyes.
"Ha'ri," I began patiently. "Ha'ri, Ha'ri…I want you to do something for me."
His brow furrowed. "What?"
"Thursday afternoon. Twelve o'clock. I want all the Juunishi gathered in the Main House. I have something to tell them. Afterwards, they can go their separate ways. Do this for me, Ha'ri."
The Dragon was perplexed. "Akito…"
"Kyo too. Especially the Cat. He will want to hear this. Honda Tohru. Bring her also." I laid back and smiled faintly. This gave me a few days to recover my strength. It would take an immense amount of concentration to shatter such an ancient bond. To sever the strings of my heart…I realised I might die in the process.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
PART II: BROKEN
I spent the next four days eating well and resting. I took long walks in the gardens, among the trees and flowers and small fountains. My mind was clear. I would purge my spirit of my God-self and be spat out reborn. My hands no longer trembled. I was an oasis of calm.
No one was more surprised then Hatori by the sudden change in my habits. For a little while I was less thin and pale, colour returned to my cheeks, I was less apathetic. He regarded these little improvements with cautious happiness and not a little suspicion. He would ask me, What are you doing? And I would reply, Preparing, and say no more.
Shigure was delighted in the change in my condition. He would take my head in his hands and shake it slightly, or ruffle my hair, and sing Ne, Akito-san, look how well you're looking! I even heard this echoed around the Main House as gossip from servants and family members: Akito-sama is looking better these days…his temper has quieted…he eats all of his meals…Akito-sama, he's looking so handsome…
I wouldn't say that I was in perfect health, but I was certainly feeling better then before. I was more alert, more lucid. Still, no amount of food or exercise could've changed the worn look about my face, my sleepy pained eyes, my hoarse voice. Illness had ravaged me for too long.
Thursday, that fateful day.
They all sat in a semi-circle. Sullen. Silent. Nervous. Only that Honda girl had a brave face on. She met my gaze with a sort of wilful determination whenever I looked at her. And Kyo, angry and terrified. Good.
I cleared my throat. "This all ends now."
They looked puzzled. It was almost endearing.
"What do you mean?" came Shigure's voice, from my left, "What are you doing, Akito-san? What are you thinking?"
"You want to know what I think? Fine." I crossed my arms.
"I'm tired of you. Of all of you."
Apprehension on all sides.
"I can't stand it any longer. I can't bear the burden of your beating hearts, any longer. I'm tired of living and dying for you. I'm going to rinse myself of you, right now.
"I am going to break this curse."
They all shut up when I raised my hand. "Yes. I have the power. As Zodiac God, I know I have the power to break the curse. I can sever all bonds between us, all at once. Don't look at me like that. Isn't that what you always wanted?"
Hatori spoke. "Akito-san. You don't know what you're saying…"
"Be quiet." I glared at my Juunishi, stopped at Kureno. "And you. You are already free. Go on, get out. I dismiss you from my service. I kept you with me because I was afraid, but now I'm not anymore. Leave me."
He didn't move. He seemed frozen. I ignored him for the time being.
"How do you know you can break the curse?"
That was Momiji. He was never afraid of me. I felt a small stab in my heart.
"I know. I've always known, inherently. The knowledge is in my blood. As God made the curse, so only He can break it…all of it."
"Why did you wait?"
"Why do I have to explain everything to you?" I snapped at him. "Why do you care? This is what you want. I'm going to do it. I don't think any of you will stop me…will you?"
Now they all looked at the floor. Shigure and Hatori were pale.
"No one?"
Roaring, hot silence.
"Good," I said quietly. And with that, I brought my hands to my chest.
The process of excising is harder then you think. I had to bring all my matter into a state of rejection. I had to reject the God-self residing in my body, reject the spiritual ties that connected me to my Juunishi. In doing so I would purge the Zodiac spirits from their bodies, just as a human body would reject a transplanted limb. The cycle of reincarnation would be broken.
The curse would shatter.
The problem was; I would probably shatter along with it. Without the Juunishi, God has no foundation.
I closed my eyes.
I don't care. I reject it all.
Reject my pain.
Reject my power.
Reject this stupid destiny forced upon me.
I reject it all!
I reject it with all my being!
A sudden, hot tightness in my chest. My bangs fluttered by some unfelt wind. Something was happening.
Then came the pain. Like some huge hand was gripping my intestines and tugging them out through my belly. A pain that doubled me over.
Think of the worst migraine you've ever had, then times that by hundred. You might have an idea of what I'd gone through. My brains, being wrenched out through my ears. The horrible impression of being sucked – like something was being drawn out, extracted, and taking bits of my innards along with it as it clung to my body in protest.
And then…the bonds broke. I felt something snap inside me.
It was like being betrayed. Or being demeaned. Or having someone close to you die. A pain not so much physical as emotional, that horrible wrenching feeling of emptiness. My heart had been shattered.
A warm rush from my nostrils as tiny capillaries burst.
Someone was making low, guttural, animal sounds, like a wounded beast. After a while I realised it was me.
What happened to the Juunishi? All I remember are after-images. I only know what I thought I saw, but I'm certain the breaking of the curse did not hurt them as it did me. In fact, when I opened my tear-crusted eyes, broken and twitching, I saw on their faces a horrified elation. They stared at their hands as if they'd never seen them before.
I crawled onto my knees. The Honda girl was looking at me. There were tears in her eyes.
I spat in her direction.
"Are you happy now? Are you happy now, you little bitch? You've won. Isn't this what you wanted to happen?" I turned to rest. The ex-Zodiac. "All of you've won."
They were stunned. Afraid. Lost-looking. I snarled, grabbed the Honda girl and threw her in Kyo's direction. He caught her against his chest awkwardly.
Nothing happened.
"You see now?" Rotten giggles burst up my throat. "You see now what I've done? You're free, dammit. Get that into your heads. I snapped our chains. You don't belong to me anymore."
Still they stared at me.
"Akito-sama…" Kisa began timidly.
I swung towards her. "Akito-sama? I don't think so. I'm not your lord any longer. I…I'm not…"
The floor swung violently into my face. I clenched my fists on the ground and watched my tears soak into the floor.
"You're nothing," I managed. "You're, you're not mine any longer. You're worthless to me now. Understand? You are nothing to me!"
Lies.
You were everything to me.
Now you're nothing.
So why do I still feel like…
"Go away." I closed my eyes. "Go and live your lives now. Live free. Die happy. That golden dream, all you ever hoped for…I have given it to you. Go away. I…I don't need you anymore!"
They were all still shell-shocked. Stunned with their new-found freedom, reeling with possibilities. Helpless.
None came forward to thank me. None came with tears of gratitude. I expected that. I didn't want thanks, because I wouldn't deserve it. I did not break the curse for them.
I staggered to my feet and leaned on the shoji door. I felt different too. Frailer. Vulnerable. The black shadow that had been lingering over my head had vanished.
Salt and blood on my lips.
My curse was broken.
I was broken too.
My world went grey, then black.
PART III: AFTERMATH
"Gone?" I echoed.
Hatori nodded grimly. "Yes. The kids, they're all gone. Ran off somewhere to celebrate, I think."
I received this icily.
"It's not really surprising."
"No. It isn't. I couldn't give a shit what they do now." I curled up in my covers. "You haven't joined them, I notice."
"I'm your doctor. I was concerned about you."
"And Shigure? Aya?"
"Aya is with Yuki. Shigure is still here. He's in the other room."
"I didn't know that." I spread my right hand out above me and peeked at the ceiling light through my splayed fingers. "Usually I would. Usually I would be able to sense your auras. Now…I sense nothing."
Hatori was silent.
"Only you would be able to frown after such a miraculous event, Hatori." I snorted. "Smile. Otherwise I'll think you ungrateful."
He looked alarmed. "No – Akito-san, that's not it at all – I am –"
"I was kidding. I don't expect any gratitude." I rolled over in my bed and stared out the window.
"It's a new world, Hatori."
"Yes."
"For everyone. For you. You should go out and explore it."
"I'm not in a hurry." He sat beside me.
"Hm." I smirked against my duvet. "Still clinging to the past?"
"Perhaps," he said softly. Unbidden, he slowly took my hand in his larger one, squeezed.
"I suppose I won't forget, Akito-san. That dream we had."
"What dream?"
Shigure came in, sat on my other side. "Mm…we never told you, did we?"
"Told me what?" I blew my bangs out of my eyes impatiently.
"When Ren was pregnant with you, a few weeks before your birth, Aya, Hatori and I shared a dream. You…or something that resembled you appeared to us, luminescent, and told us Don't betray Akito. As long as we were by your side, we would all be happy. So, on that morning we swore we would never leave you. We would stay with you forever."
"…Only you three would believe in a stupid dream like that." I turned my face away. "Idiots."
Shigure chuckled. "Aya feels the same way. He sat here with you for a while, wringing his hands, saying I just can't leave Akito-san! Then Yuki dragged him away. How about that, eh? You sever us from you. You tell us, Go away, I don't need you anymore. But the truth is…" He poked my forehead, "…that you're stuck with us whether you like it or not."
"It won't be the same." I swallowed thickly.
"If you want, I'll still grovel and whine and annoy you," Shigure suggested brightly. "Then you can whack me with a newspaper and tell me I'm a bad dog. It'll be fun. We could go back to the old roleplay of Dog and Master."
"It's no use trying to cheer me up. You are now ex-Juunishi. Leave me alone." I flung my duvet over my head. I was being childish and selfish and irritable but I felt heartbroken and empty so I had every right to be.
Shigure started barking.
"Arf! Arf!"
My duvet was pulled back. Shigure, the moron, had it between his teeth and was shaking it. He grinned when he saw my face and dropped it.
"Arf!"
"Shigure…" Hatori said warningly but that lunatic didn't listen. Instead he placed his arms on either side of me, lowered his face and began 'snuffling' like a dog on my chest.
"Baka…"I tried to shove his head away.
Then he started licking me. My neck, my face. I was being slobbered on.
"Shigure, what the fuck-!" I gripped his head, he was laughing, and nuzzling my hair, and barking, and in the end I started laughing too. Even when I started crying I still laughed. And I knew that Shigure would always and forever be my lovable idiotic dog.
PART IV: THE TASTE OF FREEDOM
Freedom.
I'm free now. I'm my own person, not a sacrifice for others. I am not a vessel for the God. I have cast everything dear to me aside – the Zodiac, my title, the very strings of my heart.
The price is loneliness.
Actually, it's not so terrible as that. I have many things I am happy about. I've done many things in this world. I've been drunk, flown on a plane, ran down leafy autumn streets, shopped in Tokyo, kissed a girl outside a nightclub, bought a car, been to a concert, woken up in bed with a young woman's arms around me, eaten ice cream until I was sick, watched the sun set over the beach and wished, so fervently, that moments like these would never end.
I am Sohma Akito. I'm twenty-six years old. I'm sitting, wrapped in a blanket like an old man, on a chair on my porch in the Sohma estate. It is the end of September and I have called for Aya, Hatori, and Shigure to come visit me. There is one last thing I plan to do, and I want them to be with me when I do it. They were closest to me among the Juunishi.
After the curse broke, I was no longer chronically ill, but my immune system never fully recovered so I always got sick easily. More then five years of having my weakened body slammed by illness has taken its toll. I have severe bronchitis…and it will not go away.
At last, I am dying.
I don't want to endure long, drawn-out days of suffering. I want to die quickly and peacefully. I've procured the way to do it. I'm prepared. I came to grips with my mortality long ago.
I'm not sad. I've lived for five years longer then I would've done under the curse. I now have the freedom to choose my own death. I'm pleased about it.
"What are you doing out here?"
I don't turn. "It looks like I'm admiring the gardens, Hatori." My voice is cracked and ragged from coughing.
"It's chilly." He comes and kneels in front of me. He's still thin and gangly, but there are new lines around his mouth and eyes. His eyes, still calm and grey…and no longer frozen. "You shouldn't be out here when you're ill."
"That sounds familiar." I smirk when he sighs. "I know you, Hari."
"Konichiwaa, Akito-samaa!" Shigure tilts my head back with both hands so I can stare into his chocolate eyes. "You're looking gorgeous as always, Akito-sama!"
"Don't lie. I look like shit." I pause. "And don't call me Akito-sama."
"Ne, Akito, you're such a grumpy old man." Shigure grins and is about to light up when he receives a death-glare from Hatori. "Oops. Sorry. I forgot."
He rests his elbow by my head. "I got your email. So…you really are going to…"
"Yes."
"When?" He looks uncomfortable.
"When I think the time is right." I suppress a cough.
"How do you feel?"
Heartbroken. Heady with freedom.
"…Cold."
"Then inside we go!" comes Aya's voice. He sweeps me into his arms like a dancer and trots back inside. "Sorry I wasn't here earlier – Shii-san left me to park the car and you know how terrible I am at parking! Oh my – you're so light, Akito-san!"
"Hello, Aya." I rest my head against his firm shoulder. "I haven't seen you for awhile."
"Oui, oui! I've been in Paris organising my fashion show! So many outfits, I don't know which ones I'll parade down the catwalk! A fashion designer's work is never done…"
His inane prattle is soothing. His hair is still long and lustrous and I want to tangle my fingers in it, bury my face in its soft scent. Aya sets me down on a couch, then plops on my left with Hatori on my right. Shigure sits in an armchair.
"Your hands are cold," Hatori murmurs, rubbing one gently.
"They're always cold. Every day I get colder." I snuggle down in my blanket.
We sit in companionable silence, interrupted by my coughing fits. Then Shigure starts talking about the book signings he's doing, his newest novel, his girlfriend, his car, anything that happens to come into his head. Hatori mentions that his private practice is doing well and that he and his wife are expecting their second child, a boy.
"Congratulations. Too bad I won't be here for the birth," I say absently.
Hatori hesitates, then says, "I know. But I thought you'd like to know that we're going to name him Akito. After you."
I give him a little glance. He's looking at me intensely with sad, hopeful eyes. "Why?" I say tightly. "I haven't done anything to deserve that."
He smiles. "Won't you be happy to know that in this world, there will be an Akito Sohma born who will know nothing but a happy and healthy childhood, and loving parents? Think of it as a second chance. A way to be remembered."
"As one Akito dies, so another will live," I agree. "It's strangely beautiful. Yes. Your son will live that life I never had." That life I always wanted.
A maid comes in with some tea. I have a little, just enough to wet my thirst. Soon, I decide, I will have my last refreshment. The other three won't like it. They don't like what I'm going to do. But, as I explained to them in the email, this is what I want.
I let them enjoy themselves for now. For a little while, they forget what they're here for, and talk to me as if we'll all see each other tomorrow over coffee. They laugh openly. Even Hatori is smiling. My heart aches in my chest.
Half and hour later and I'm still feeling relatively good. We're all drunk on good conversation, herbal tea, Shigure's laughter. So now would be a good time to do it. I turn my head and give a discreet nod to a nurse standing quietly near the doorway. She bows and withdraws.
"Excuse me, Akito-san..?"
A maid has appeared. She looks a little flustered. "Sohma Yuki wishes to see you, Akito-san."
…Yuki?
I lick my suddenly dry lips. "Show him in."
Aya looks guilty. "He mentioned to me he might stop by, Akito-san. I forgot to mention it. Eh."
"It doesn't matter," I say quietly. Yuki comes in.
I stare. I haven't seen him since the day I broke the curse, when he was crouching and shivering on the floor. He's grown. His hair is longer, just enough so those silver bangs run off his cheeks to curve elegantly below his chin. He's tall and willowy, just like Aya. No wonder the maid was flustered. Sohma Yuki looks like he's stepped out of cologne advert, fresh and invigorated and oh so beautiful.
"Yuki-kun," I greet him.
"Akito-san," he echoes. He runs nervous grey eyes over me, lingering on my pale looks, my eyes. The young man clears his throat. "You look…well."
I smile at this lie. Flattering little Rat, I want to say, and don't. "Thank you. Please sit down."
He does so, squeezing next to me, murmuring little greetings to Shigure and the others. I put a hand under my chin and regard him. Oh, Yuki…to think once you were God's trusted friend. To think I used to cup your tiny hands in my own.
"From what I hear, Yuki-kun, you're at your last year at law school," I say breezily, and relish the surprise on his face, which is quickly masked.
"That's right, Akito-san."
"Good. You were always clever, had good instincts. You'll make a good lawyer." I cough a little. "Tell me why you're here."
"I wanted to see how you were. I wanted…to see you." He's about to say more when the nurse comes in and sets a little cup down in front of me, about two inches tall, filled with clear liquid. There is a little striped straw peeking over the rim.
"Here you are, Akito-san."
"Thank you. Tell the doctor to wait for Hatori to send him in."
"Yes, Akito-san." She leaves.
The smiles drop from the Mabudachi Trio's faces. I fight to keep a manic grin from ripping my face. I'm older, wiser, and yet there's little dark part from my past inside me, giggling cruelly at what I'm about to do to them. I'm still so vindictive.
"What's that?" Yuki asks, looking at everyone's faces.
"Dear Yuki-kun." I take the cup and stir it gently. "You've picked a really bad time to stop by. If only earlier…"
"What?" he says, anxious.
"I'm dying," I say absently. "The doctor tells me I have a few more days at most…and they will be full of agony. I don't want that, Yuki. It brings back terrible memories. But now I have freedom…the freedom to choose when and how I will die." I shake the cup at him. "And this is it."
"…Poison?" His face is chalky.
"No. That's terribly crude. Just a cocktail mix of certain drugs. It's painless and quick. You know," I went on, blasé, "in Europe you can do this in special institutions, you sit on a comfy couch in a room filled with watercolours and flowers and view of canals outside the window, and a smiling nurse hands you a little cup just like this one…"
"But Akito-san," Yuki whispers, clenching his fists, "Akito-san…you can't. I was…I decided…Akito-san, I came here because I wanted start things over with you. We've all changed now, so much. I didn't want to leave things as they were before. I wanted…friendship between us."
"I never hated you, Yuki." I sniff the cup. Odourless.
"I hated you." Damn, now he's beginning to cry. Pearly tears are escaping him. "I hated you so much. For so many years. And then you did that. And I didn't know what to think anymore. I spent a long time trying to sort out my feelings towards you. Some feelings I couldn't erase. But now it's different. You're no longer my God and I'm no longer your Rat-"
Don't say it. Don't say it, it hurts so much. Beautiful pain.
"-Now we're just family. We're people in our own right. We could start again, Akito-san."
Yuki isn't sobbing. His voice is strong and clear even though his eyes are wet. I can't bear to do this to him. Damn it.
I sigh.
"I've already made my decision, Yuki. But I'm happy you've told me this." I stare into the distance. "No regrets…"
"What?"
I take his hands in my own. They're so warm. "Yuki. If I said to you, 'Forgive me for what I did to you as a child,' would you say yes?"
"…"
"Would you?"
"…No." He grits his teeth. "I can't."
"Good boy." I kiss his cheek. "Now, I can die."
I start to bring the cup to my lips but a hand clamps onto my wrist: Hatori's.
"No," he says woodenly. His eyes are pink-rimmed. Shigure and Aya have half-risen from their seats, possibly with the same action in mind.
"Let go, Hari."
"No."
"Don't do this." My voice must not shake. It mustn't. "I'm resolute."
"Later. Not now. Not ever now."
"I'm dying. I'm tired. Let go."
"I can make you better." The hand on my wrist trembles. "I always have. I can make it go away."
"Ha-san…" Shigure says weakly.
"I wish you could." Oh God no; I'm crying, I don't want to but I am, I pull the man toward me and whisper into his neck, "I wish to God you could, Ha'ri. I wish to God you were still mine, still my Dragon…"
The cup is tugged gently from my grasp and set down. I let them come to me. I can give them this time, our time, our last time. I let them touch my face, my shoulders, my sides; I let them whisper into my hair and kiss my cold fingers. I cough and my lungs heave and a small warm trickle runs down my lip.
"You have a nosebleed." This is Aya. Aya, who is clutching my hand.
"I always have nosebleeds. Leave it. I don't care." I close my eyes. The Juunishi swim in my mind's eye. Now that we're no longer connected, they won't feel my death. I wonder, when they hear of it, if they'll feel anything at all.
I feel so cold.
"Give it to me," I murmur. "Give me the cup."
The older men won't. And I'm not totally surprised when it's Yuki who presses it into my shaking hand. He understands. Little Rat. Little nezumi.
Hatori's hand is on my wrist again. I look at him steadily. "You'll deny me?"
"I won't ever deny you anything."
"Except a peaceful death."
The grip on my wrist ceases. I smile at them all.
"This is what I want," I reassure over their protests, "I want this, I've been waiting for this…"
And before they can stop me I down it.
It's relatively tasteless, maybe slightly metallic. In a minute my brain will shut itself down, quietly, lulling itself into death. I'm told it's just like falling asleep. You just get more and more tired…
"No!" Hatori snatches the cup out of my hands and flings it against the wall. The shattering sound echoes oddly in my ears.
Quick, quick. My senses automatically skyrocket to record every last detail into my dying cells. My hoarse breathing. Shigure's eyes. Hatori's touch. Tea slopped on the table. Aya's cologne. Sweat. Cashmere. Wool. Blood. A babble of voices.
You can't you can't Akito-san you can't
No fear. No pain. I'm in a dream.
This is wonderful
yes this is wonderful
"Wonderful."
Salty trickles, my own.
Hatori is saying something. I strain my ears. Now my senses are flickering in and out.
"-Akito we never stopped, we never stopped being your Juunishi, I will never stop being your Dragon–"
Ha'ri, my Ha'ri. I grab his hair.
"I never…stopped either," I say, words falling clumsily away, "I lied…I said I didn't need you but oh God I will always need you always-"
I choke.
oh
oh SHIT
this stuff works fast
I'm so tired. i can't even. speak.
I can't even say. how much i love them
(concentrate)
somewhere, someone is crying. someone. has me in their arms.
(sounds fade colours die shapes flutter)
yes this is what i want
I'm so happy. believe me i'm so happy. i am not cursed. i am free.
it's wonderful. yes wonderful
on my lips i can taste it…freedom
tasting
like salt and blood.
Only after we lose everything are we truly free.
…end
A/N: OMG this took so long to write. So what do you think? Flame me, praise me, go ahead. All reviews will be fed intravenously to my ego XD Also any following oneshots/drabbles won't be as long o0; This was longer then I planned. I actually don't like the ending that much…wah, Aki-san! Now I need to write one where he's alive to cheer myself up.
Also, the dream episode described by Shigure happens in vol. 16, or 17, or something, and I've totally messed up the details regarding that so it doesn't really count as a spoiler.
And I'm really sorry if, like, this oneshot just does totally not make sense at all. XD