Hello, all! This story takes place around Two Towers and Half Blood Prince. And it's kind of a crack fic. Just a little bit. This was my trial to become a Random Knight for the Random Order.
I do not own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, waffles, Fanta, iCarly, Star Wars, "Rock Lobster," House, or Twilight.
At Hogwarts, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley knew that it was never a good thing when Hermione Granger kept secrets from them. And it was especially bad when she would grin mischievously and say, "It's a surprise."
So what was Hermione doing exactly? You'll find out soon. In the next few paragraphs, actually…
Neville Longbottom ambled up to the Dynamic Duo while they were eating breakfast in the Great Hall. Hermione was nowhere to be seen.
"Hey, Harry! Hey, Ron!" Neville greeted cheerfully.
"Hi, Neville," replied Ron, a waffle hanging out of his mouth, half-eaten.
"Hermione wanted me to give you this. She said you need to come soon."
Neville handed Harry a slip of parchment and walked away. Harry looked down at the message. In a hastily-scrawled note, Hermione had written,
"Meet me in the library, next to the Restricted Section. Soon!"
Harry gave Hermione's note to Ron, who looked at it and furrowed his eyebrows.
"What in the name of Merlin could she mean by that?"
"How am I supposed to know?" retorted Harry sharply.
"I don't think she could be any vaguer."
Harry snickered softly and finished his pumpkin juice.
"Let's go. I don't think she wants to be kept waiting."
"But I haven't finished my waffles yet!" Ron protested.
"Let's go!" repeated Harry through gritted teeth.
Ron stuffed the waffles remaining on his plate into his robes and followed his best friend to the library.
Hermione was leafing through the pages of an old, dusty book. She twirled her wand in her hand, ready to perform the spells she needed to do her homework. She heard someone coming from behind her; quickly, she hid her wand in her sleeve and whirled around. She didn't want Madame Pince catching her with her wand out! However, there was no need for the girl to be afraid; it was just Harry and Ron.
"Good, you got my note," Hermione breathed as the two boys came closer to her.
Ron nodded.
"What do you want Hermione? I wasn't done eating my waffles yet!"
Hermione rolled her eyes. She opened her mouth to scoff at Ron's food obsession, but since she did that all the time and other things were more important, she decided not to.
"I want to show you two something really cool! You see, I was doing my homework for History of Magic, and-"
"Wait," Harry interrupted. "We have homework in History of Magic?"
Hermione rolled her eyes again.
"Yes, Harry."
"I don't remember getting any homework."
"That's because you were too busy doodling 'I love Cho Chang' all over your notes."
Harry colored, and looked around nervously. Good thing Draco wasn't around to hear that.
"Anyway," Hermione continued, shooting a stern glance at the Boy Who Lived, "I was doing my homework, and I came across a question that I didn't know the answer to."
Everyone in the library stopped what he or she was doing and stared at Hermione in awe.
"Hermione Granger doesn't know the answer to a question?"
Hermione pursed her lips in embarrassment. She bit her lip, continuing, "But I knew the answer was in this book," she pointed to the book she was holding, "but I still couldn't find it. So, I looked through another book, and I found the answer to finding the answer!"
"That last part was confusing," Ron pointed out blatantly.
Harry had not really been paying attention. He was staring off into space, a befuddled look masking his features.
"No, really, Hermione, what's our homework for History of Magic?"
Hermione then became well aware that Harry had not been listening to her. She seriously considered telling him the wrong assignment, but she changed her mind again.
"We were supposed to answer questions based on this book."
"What book is that, anyway, Hermione?" queried Ron.
"The Lord of the Rings. Don't you remember that we're doing a unit on Gandalf the Grey and Saruman the White?"
"No, I was thinking about orange octopuses."
Hermione furrowed her brow disappointedly.
"Well, we are. So what I'm going to do is use magic to bring Gandalf and Saruman out of the book—temporarily—and ask them to answer my question."
"I read a book like that once! Except the people were magical readers. Whatever they read aloud would come to life!" Harry exclaimed.
"So you're just going to conjure them out of the book and ask nicely, 'Mr. Gandalf, would you please answer a question to my homework? I'll let you back into your own story once you tell me.'?" Ron scoffed.
"Well, yes, but it's going to sound a lot better when I do it!" justified Hermione indignantly.
She slammed the book shut and walked over to Madame Pince's desk.
"I'm here to check out this book."
The batty old librarian scrutinized the fifteen-year-old girl suspiciously, decided Hermione would do no harm to one of her precious books, and permitted her to go off with the book.
"Where to now?" Harry asked, knowing that Hermione was going to want to drag Harry and Ron into the adventure with her.
"Moaning Myrtle's lavatory," Hermione replied with a grin.
Ron groaned.
Not again!
(Mordor)
The Dark Lord Sauron was bored, as always. The two hobbits were taking way too long to bring the One Ring to Mount Doom. And the fact that every single orc Saruman unleashed was killed every time they came across the Fellowship or anything else, for that matter, was no help, either. He sat at the table in his room, only the Witch-King with him, swirling his soda around its can.
"Ah, yes. Fanta. The one grape soda… TO RULE THEM ALL!" he cried, downing what was left. "So, Witch-King, what are we planning to rampage today?"
The Witch-King pulled a tattered schedule out of his cloak pocket. He smoothed it out, and read,
"Um, we are taking over… the Hornburg, in Rohan."
Sauron's favorite Nazgul rolled his eyes. Why couldn't Sauron keep up with his invasion plans himself?
He's so irritating!
Beneath his helm, Sauron scowled.
He whined, "Witch-King, I'm bored."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"You think I'm irritating!"
"I have never said that out loud!"
And with those words, the walls of the tower began to shake…
(Somewhere on Middle-earth)
Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, and Sméagol trekked through the rocky terrain. Sméagol was turning his head every so often to glare at Sam, who was dreamily fantasizing about his potatoes. Frodo was oblivious to it all, cheerily humming "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."
Frodo's singing was cut off as the ground began to rumble and shake.
"Why, Mr. Frodo! It's an earthquake!" Sam shouted above the roar.
"I didn't know Middle-earth even had these!" replied Frodo, pursing his lips in confusion.
While the two hobbits were struggling to balance, Sméagol found a wooden plank and stood on it.
"Look, Master! Sméagol is surfing!"
However, "Master" didn't hear, as he had just fallen flat on his face.
The Ring bearer rolled over onto his back and shouted out to the sky, "WHY?"
(Hogwarts)
In Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stooped in a circle around the book. Hermione pointed her wand at it, whispered an incantation, and waited. The book glowed with a golden light, and the pages shook.
"Is this supposed to happen?" murmured Ron to Harry.
"I don't know!"
The glow from the book spread throughout the rest of the bathroom. The covers of the book shook even more, and with a poof, everything went white with smoke.
Coughing, the trio blinked a few times as the smoke cleared. The figures in front of them were more than just Saruman and Gandalf. Not only were the two wizards there, but also Frodo, Sam, Sméagol, Legolas, and Sauron were standing, confused, in the out-of-order girls' bathroom.
"What in the name of Gondor happened?" Aragorn yelled.
"Shhh!" Hermione hissed. "Keep it down. Listen, my name is Hermione Granger, and these are my friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. I meant to pull only Gandalf and Saruman from the book you're in, but something must have gone wrong, and you all are here now. I just need to get the answers for my homework, and I'll be able to send you back home once I'm done."
Harry stared at Gandalf.
"OH MY LLAMAS, IT'S DUMBLEDORE!"
Simultaneously, Ron was staring at Saruman and yelling, "OH MY WAFFLES, IT'S COUNT DOOKU!"
Gandalf and Saruman had no idea how to react to that.
"Um, hello?" Gandalf stammered.
At that moment, none other than Draco Malfoy strolled into the bathroom, holding a big, black book and singing the song about rock lobsters. At the sight of the characters Hermione had enchanted out of the book, he shrieked, dropped the book, and ran off.
"SNAPE! SNAPE! SNAPE!" he howled, tearing down the corridors to tell on his least favorite classmates.
Harry and Ron exchanged astonished looks, both sending the message, "Crap, we're busted!" Hermione moistened her lips nervously.
"All right, Mr. Gandalf? Mr. Saruman? I have a question for you; it's on my homework, and I could find the answer to it. Um, Saruman, where did you imprison Gandalf after he refused to ally with you?"
Saruman was too weirded out by the entire situation to say anything. It was Gandalf who answered.
"The Tower of Orthanc."
Hermione hastily scribbled down Gandalf's answer on her homework.
"Thanks, sir. Now, I promise I'll get you and your friends back into your own story right now. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me."
As if things couldn't get any worse, with a ticking clock counting down the time until Snape arrived to give them all detention, Moaning Myrtle swooped out of her toilet and hovered in front of Legolas.
"Well, hello there!" she squeaked. "Who are you? You're even better looking than Harry!"
Harry blushed, and Legolas blinked blandly. Myrtle wrapped her arm around the elf's shoulder.
"You're a ghost," Legolas remarked.
"Ooh, very good!" Myrtle swooned. "You're soooo smart!"
"Myrtle, will you stop it?" Hermione growled. "I haven't got much time to return him and the others to their own story! Will you please go flush yourself down the pipes?"
Myrtle began to cry, plopping down onto the swamped floor.
"Nobody likes me!" she wailed.
"Should I be doing anything about this?" asked Legolas, staring from Myrtle to Ron.
Ron shook his head.
"Nope."
Legolas nodded shortly.
"All right!" Hermione cheered quietly. "Are you ready to go back?"
Everyone nodded. Hermione shifted her wand in her hand and pointed it at Sam. She whispered the counter-spell, and Sam was gone. Hermione repeated until only Sméagol was remaining.
"Professor, I swear! Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger had brought weird people into the girls' lavatory! I told you they're really spies for Voldemort!" Draco Malfoy insisted to Snape.
"Draco, why would Harry Potter be a spy for Voldemort?" Snape drawled. "I was in the middle of watching House; did you have to interrupt me in a futile attempt to get Mr. Potter in trouble?"
The three could hear nothing more; Draco must have shut up. Hermione quickly started to bring Sméagol back into the book, but just as she pointed her wand at him, Snape turned the corner into the bathroom. Hermione swiftly tucked her wand back into her sleeve and pretended to be reading the book. Harry and Ron had ducked into two of the stalls about five seconds previously.
Snape stood in front of Hermione. He looked in turn from her to Sméagol, who was sitting in the middle of the floor, singing "Rock Lobster," like Draco had been.
"Miss Granger, what is this house elf doing out of the kitchens, and why are you reading a library book in the middle of Moaning Myrtle's swamped bathroom?"
Hermione shifted her eyes. "Um, I, uh, asked him to bring me a sandwich… He was cleaning the common room, and I was hungry. He said the only place he'd be able to bring me the sandwich was… in here. And I brought my homework in with me while I waited for him to bring me the sandwich. Yeah. That's it…"
Snape did not buy it. But, unknown to him, there was something in his juice that morning that made him more affable, so he didn't give her detention. Blame Harry and Ron for it.
"Please get out now." Snape turned to Sméagol. "What is your name?"
"Our name is Sméagol!"
Snape blinked.
"Get back to the kitchens, um, Sméagol."
The ex-hobbit was confused, but Hermione gave him the nod to go. Later he would be found in Dumbledore's office, stroking the ring horcrux, calling it, "his precious."
Back in the bathroom, Snape and Draco had left, the latter in a sulk, and Harry and Ron were sneaking out of their hiding places.
"A lot of trouble for answering just one homework question!" Ron snapped.
"I take it you're done, though?" Harry tried to mediate.
"No, I still have one more. It has nothing to do with the book, though?"
"Well, what is it?"
"Assuming that a moose is square, what would the perimeter be?"
"No idea."
"Beats me."
"Yep."
Hermione sighed.
"I'll just put down 'two meters'." she decided, leaving the bathroom.
Harry and Ron followed her.
"What's next, conjuring sparkly vampires out of Draco's book because she thinks they're hot?" Ron muttered spitefully.
Harry chuckled.
"Silly Ron. Real vampires don't sparkle!"
Thanks for reading, and please review! Hope you liked it.