:sigh: Ok, first, a nice disclaimer...I don't own Final Fantasy VIII And if I did, I'd sure as hell have Squall and Seifer around to keep me...:ahem: occupied.

Two, be nice. This is not the first time I've written these characters, but it sure is the first time I've let anyone besides my nearest and dearest friends read what I've written about them.

Three it's yaoi...but what else did you expect?

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Sides of Ourselves

With All Your Sins
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It seemed that things were finally returning to normal. That monotonous life of routine, training, and whatever else the superiors took into their heads to have those under them do. But though some of them might adhere to the illusion of normality, they all knew, even if at a subconscious level, those things would never be quite the same. And no one knew this better than Seifer Almasy.

He had been forgiven for what had occurred, as it was not entirely his fault, he was a powerful pawn in a game of chess which had swept them all up in its strategy. But in the end, he knew none of them would ever forget. Never. And least of all Squall Leonhart, and that in itself was the driving force behind the decision that the blond made.

He would rather have died than see the scorn and unforgiving judgment in those eyes, those eyes which were tempestuous as the sea. Tempestuous, not at all like the way Squall acted, cold, pushing others away from him. A leader, but an estranged one, one held apart from the others. Very few had managed to batter away through Squall's defenses and become close to him. Like Rinoa. Damn her, she and her persistence.

Seifer had pursued her, true, but not for any of the apparent reasons. Silly, it seemed now that he thought about it. Seifer had a reputation for being fearless, proud, boastful even. He had an attitude and he was proud of it. But there was one thing he was afraid of, afraid to admit, afraid…

What a loathsome word.

Squall had pushed him away, just like everyone else, so instead of a cheerful persistence, as Rinoa had taken as her stratagem, Seifer had settled for the opposite, an often less-than-friendly rivalry. As rivals, they were always measured against one another, always striving to attain higher honor. Squall….Squall was just gifted, there was no help for it. He had the gunblade as his chosen weapon, not precisely something a rookie could have mastered. He was skilled, of that there was no doubt. So, naturally, Seifer had to challenge him.

He had hurt Squall, though. For that there was no excuse. Not only then, but in the service of the Sorceress. He deserved to die, he did. He could not go on looking every day at the scars he had placed on his rival. Rival. The word seemed very cold. Like Squall pretended to be.

But Seifer knew otherwise. There was a depth there that he savored, that he wanted to touch, not to devour, but to embrace. But it was a fleeting dream to him, Squall could feel nothing for him but hatred, had he not deserved it? Asked for it with every jibe and taunt? He was wrong, and he knew it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Unrequited love…it hurts doesn't it?

Seifer's POV

I tried to many times, to be his friend, and like so many others, he pushed me away. The ice prince, indomitable, cold, and unconquerable behind the stony mask he had erected for the world to see. I challenged him, often, it was a way to be near him. He bore it. I loved him for that. I teased and I insulted him and he hated my guts. I loved him for that too.

Those flashes of irritation and anger were the only emotions that I could coax out of him. The only thing that could make those grey-blue eyes blaze. It was his own fault. You see, he looks so damn cute when he's mad.

But usually, he's indifferent to everything, even me. His favorite word seems to be "Whatever". But Rinoa and I we were the only ones with enough persistence to get to Squall; each with our own extremes. I wish to heaven I could coax a smile out of him, but sorry, I don't do the happy-bouncy thing. I'm more likely to scare the hell out of people that way anyhow. Should I suddenly become likable I think Quistis would suffer a nervous breakdown.

I'm stubborn, proud, and a general pompous ass. I suppose that's why the Sorceress was able to get her hooks in me. And believe me, living under Ultimecia's control is no party. Far from it. I'm a monster, you know, and nobody knows that better than Squall Leonhart.

They should have killed me.

Something has snapped. Something deep inside me. I can't be the cocky, uncaring Seifer Almasy I was before this. I-I broke. I came to my limits as the Sorceress' Knight. What she did to me…what she had done to me…I don't think I'll ever fully recover from an ordeal like that. Squall…his rivalry kept me sane, if I hadn't had a focus, everything I was would have been washed away like so much flotsam. Knowing I'm despised by my once-friends, beloved enemy, and the general populace doesn't do much for what's left of my self-esteem.

Squall. I respect him. Care about him. Love him. And that's why I have to leave. I can no longer stay at the Garden, the SeeD's don't want me here. I am, after all, a black mark on their record; an overshadowing of shame that I'll never be able to atone for, no matter to what hells I go.

It's ironic really. My greatest rival, my only true love. Sweet Hyne, I sound like a sappy love novel. Too much Irvine, I suppose. But I can't help it.

I made him hate me. Ruined any chance I ever had with him. Not that I ever had one. He's probably so damn straight you could use him as a ruler. So this is my burden, it's not his problem, just mine. Me, Seifer Almasy, handsome rogue and all-around arrogant bastard. Trust me to screw my life up into an irreparable mess.

He hates me.

He HATES me!

My bags are packed. I'll go out to the wastes, wilds, and wilderness. Maybe eventually some nice enemy will put me out of my misery, simply because I'm too great a coward to do it myself. Or perhaps Squall will finally make up his mind as to how great a threat I REALLY am and come hunt me down. Any way you look at it I'll eventually end up dead. That's all I'm good for, really. But then I've already told you that.

Goodbye, Leonhart, you're a better man than I. You're an unattainable goal. I simply hope you and Rinoa are happy together.

If only I was not so terrified to tell you the truth.

The truth of how much I love you. Love you so much it rips my heart out and steals my breath away, making me feel like a sorry little high school girl. Only you have this effect on me. You've undone me and been the making of me.

Sweet Hyne, how I love you.

Leonhart, I love you.

Why can't I tell you?

TBC

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Read, Review, Be nice.