A promise
A/N: this is the product of an extremely terrible sunburn and not being able to sleep because of it. kind of angsty but hey these are my qualms with tiva as of late. (or lack thereof) one-shot
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Ziva was exhausted from the past few days. She was disappointed that Ray had to leave so quickly when she needed him to be there for her. But then again, he did give her a promise. Whatever that meant.
As soon as Ziva got home, she showered and changed into something comfortable. She plopped down on her sofa and turned on her tv. She decided on some random crime procedural. She was about to order something for dinner but she was interrupted by a knock on her door. She walked over and looked through the peep hole to see a man turned away from the door but his identity was unmistakable.
"Tony." she sounded surprised as she opened the door.
He turned quickly and flashed her a smile. Even with the smile, he still seemed troubled.
"come in." she said and opened the door further and stepped away.
He walked in slowly. "I brought gifts." he raised the bag of Chinese and a six pack of beer up.
"that was very kind of you." Ziva smiled back. She hated how they had tipped toed around each other the past couple of years. They used to be so brutally honest to each other. They could tease and poke fun but at the end of the day, they were best friends anyway.
Now, they were always nice, polite- for the most part, and they didn't pry into each other's business because they cared so deeply for the other. They lived side by side like simple, normal coworkers. This wasn't them. Or at least it shouldn't be.
Even though Ziva forgave Tony for what happened two years ago, she felt that he still blamed himself and that was why he had distanced himself. Maybe he thought he was only bad for her...
She shook the thoughts from her head and walked with him to the couch where they sat down. He handed her a box of food and a beer. They settled into a comfortable silence as they ate and watched the show.
"this is ridiculous." Tony laughed as one of the cops on the show was interrogating a suspect. "I mean come on, they don't break just like that! That cop needs some kind of strategy."
Ziva laughed a little at his outburst. She too thought that the show was ludacris.
He looked over to see her watching the tv intently. Why had they stopped doing this after Gibbs came back from Mexico? He had no idea now. He thought then that they were coming dangerously close to breaking rule 12 and that was why but now...he had broken it and the repercussions really weren't that bad. Why hadn't he pushed it then?
He pulled himself from dwelling on his regrets. "why do you still watch it then?"
She looked over to meet his gaze but quickly looked away. She would've never done that before when they were comfortable with each other.
"I like the plot with the main characters." she said. "it is a nice break from my own drama."
"Ziva David has drama?" Tony teased. "I would've never guessed."
She rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. She didn't reply.
"care to share?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow in question. He was studying her and she knew it.
"not really." she said taking a swig of her beer. She chose that moment to look at him. He was still giving her a semi-puzzled look. He probably didn't even know that he was but Ziva could tell. "what about you?"
"ehh." Tony said returning his gaze to the tv. He shoveled noodles into his mouth before he could spill his guts.
"Agent Barrett?" Ziva asked. She didn't dislike the woman anymore but there was still...something that bothered her deeply about the woman. Maybe it was the fact that Tony paid so much attention to her or maybe it was just that she rubbed her the wrong way.
He looked over at her again and she saw something in his expression. She just didn't know what.
"are you going to see her again?" Ziva asked.
"I don't know. We weren't really seeing each other...it was just sex." He said sort of relieved to get it off of his chest.
"I thought you said that you, got her." Ziva said using air quotes on the last bit.
"I thought I did at the time but honestly, I just understood where she was coming from. Trying to prove herself worthy for everyone around her. I knew that she just needed someone to accept her for what she was. That doesn't mean that I had feelings for her." he said. Now that he said it out loud, he realized that he would definitely not be seeing EJ again in that way. Maybe as friends, but nothing more. He noticed that Ziva had turned her attention back to the tv, or at least she looked like she had.
"what about you and CI-Ray?" Tony asked cautiously.
Ziva didn't look at him. She drank her beer before she answered.
"he gave me an empty ring box, as a...promise." she said without looking at him again.
"sounds like an empty promise to me." Tony said and took a gulp of his beer and turned back to the tv.
Ziva looked over at him and her heart started to sink at the lack of emotion.
Really, Tony was just thinking about all of this. He had given her an empty ring box, that could only mean...Tony's face fell and he looked over to Ziva turned away.
"what exactly did he promise you?" Tony asked. He was doing his best to mask his feelings.
"I don't know, he didn't really say exactly." Ziva's doubt started growing but she refused to let it get the best of her. "A relationship, a chance to settle down, be happy, have a family."
Tony was somewhat surprised at the admission of what she wanted in her life.
Ziva still hadn't fully convinced herself. "a promise to love. He loves me." she shrugged her shoulders and drank the rest of her beer quickly.
Tony was looking at her with a concerned expression. He didn't want her to settle. He knew what she deserved which was happiness. If she found that with Ray then he was fine with that. Maybe not fine, but he would let it go.
"but do you love him?" Tony asked cautiously.
She paused for a moment and thought about love. Love was a feeling shared between two people. Two people that understood each other and took each other as they were. They would go to the ends of the earth for that person. They would die, for that person.
"yes." she answered slightly shakily "I don't...yes."
"you sure?" he asked already knowing that her answer was a lie.
"no." she said, frustrated. She refused to look at him. "it is not like I just have men lined up outside of my door that want an assassin, or a woman with a dangerous job." she said animatedly, shrugging her shoulders and throwing a hand out haphazardly.
She calmed leaned back. "a broken woman." She said softly.
Tony's heart broke. "you're not broken."
She looked up in surprise.
"Ziva, you are not broken. You have a past but that's not what makes you who you are. If that were true, you wouldn't be the person that you are right now. We are the choices we make, or at least, their consequences." He had no idea where all of this had come from but he was just letting it out. "you chose to make a family here. You chose to become a citizen, here. Your consequence for that is that you're free, from your past. You're loved."
"Tony, our job-" she started.
"doesn't matter. Be with the person that you love that makes you happy." he said. "you deserve everything, a big house filled with a ton of kids and a husband that will be there with you every step of the way. A man that you love. Not one that can give you everything but you can't love."
"when did you get so wise?" she asked after a moment.
"I don't know. Maybe when I started asking myself all of these questions." he said and drank more of his beer.
She stared at the coffee table, deep in thought. She wanted all of that so badly. Was there someone out there that she could love and be loved by? She had a perfectly good man lined up but then again, he did have a demanding job.
"When did we stop, this?" Ziva asked.
"what?" Tony asked.
"us, how we used to be before..."
"Some of us made mistakes I guess, and now we're just living the consequences." he said thoughtfully.
"Somalia was not your fault Tony. It was mine and my father's." she said quickly. She hated making him feel like he had done all of that to her.
"doesn't mean that it doesn't feel like my fault." Tony said.
"you still saved me Tony! For god's sake! You are the reason that I am alive!" she said exasperatedly.
"You wouldn't have gone through-all of that if I hadn't screwed up! If I hadn't just minded my own business!"
"is that why you backed off?" Ziva asked slightly angrily.
"backed off of what Ziva?"
"us! We are not us with each other anymore!" She said pleading for him to understand. "Why?"
"I was afraid of hurting you again." he yelled.
The room fell into an uncomfortable silence. Tony cracked open another beer.
"you have never hurt me Tony. Maybe I thought that you had a some point but you did not." she said after a minute or so.
"if I hadn't hurt you, you would have a family now. A man that loved you and you loved him." he said stubbornly, gritting his teeth.
"you don't know that." she said strongly.
He set his jaw and stared at the tv. He heard her sigh some time later.
"why do we keep doing this Tony?" she asked.
"I don't know." he said. "It's not like I want or mean to."
"what do you want Tony?" she asked.
He looked over at him and saw everything in his eyes. He wanted her.
He looked away that only said, "but I know it's not going to happen."
Ziva felt frustrated beyond belief. She didn't know what to say to him. How could she make him see everything?
Before she knew what she was doing, she had gone across the couch, turned his head and kissed him.
She pulled away after a moment but didn't go far. Their noses were still almost touching. Their eyes locked on one another's.
"I love you." she whispered. "I promise."
"I love you too." he smiled as the words left his mouth at a barely audible decibel. "I promise. I promise you everything."
A/N: Fin! I think this cured my inability to fall asleep...zzzzzz I'll post in mprnung. Review pleassseee...