The love I lost
Love, I don't even know what the word means; if love is anger, violence, possessiveness, jealousy and lust then yeah I can love.
Stephen Hay is or should I say was the worst and best part of my day, I gave all I had to give to him but in the end it still wasn't enough. I fought, I tried but I could never quite give him what he wanted, what he really needed – that's where that American prick Douglas came in.
I had closely watched the two of them for a while now and I could see them becoming friendlier; it didn't worry me much at first, looking at Douglas then looking at me; there wasn't really much competition. But looks isn't everything and the laughter they shared was something Stephen and I never did, well not like that anyway.
The business was the final straw, I had to step in; find a way to still have a hold over Stephen. I could see that I was losing him and it scared me. I've never been scared of much in my life apart from my Da but to lose Stephen completely, to never feel him, touch him, kiss him ever again; I admit scared the shit out of me.
I often wondered how I'd be able to breathe in a world without him; little did I know I was just about to find out.
I had never told anyone I loved them and meant it before, not even with Eileen and she's the mother of my kids. Stephen though, I did mean it, I still do. Regardless of what I may say.
Can't he see it's all just a front? Can't he see how desperate I am to have him? Not just once but for forever.
He knows me better than anyone, the good and the bad and if he truly did love me then he would still love me wouldn't he? I know Stephen, he will become bored of Douglas; I know his type, trustworthy, reliable, honest, and believe me, I know from first-hand experience that it's not enough for my Stephen…I mean, Stephen.
I thought I was the only one who could turn straight men gay, obviously Stephen has that gift too. But I can understand why Douglas would fall for Stephen, he is very special. He has this way about him, the more time you spend with him, the more time you want to spend with him.
He has an innocence about him, he's loud and clumsy but fun and full of energy, he chats shit a lot but when it's gone from your life you'd do almost anything to hear it again.
I'd often tell him he was weak, but he's not he's quite strong really, he's a survivor, he falls down a lot, but gets up standing taller every time. He is also incredibly sexy and his body, although slim is one I dream of most nights.
It's hard not to admire the boy, my boy. He will always be that to me anyway.
At first when I noticed how Douglas would look at him, I thought it would be one way, how wrong was I? How stupid of me to think that no matter what I did he would always be mine and always come back to me.
The thing was, he did come back; lots of times. But I just kept throwing him away, pushing him further from me and now into the arms of another man.
Why did I do this? I could have had it all with him; he would have made me so happy. I thought being a queer was wrong, sick. But I'm only ever myself when I'm with him. Now it's too late, it's really over, there is no going back.
He is with him now, free of me and any hold I used to have over him, I don't know why I even thought we would have a chance together, showing him I cared was the worst mistake I made.
I may have treated him badly in the past but did I really deserve this? Maybe I did,I just thought we'd make it, I thought we'd be together one day, that we'd overcome anything.
I could still see it in his eyes, love for me, he will never tell me but I know it's there, he has just decided that love is not enough.
All I know is that I can't stay around here watching them play happy families together. I will end up doing something I regret if I do.
I could cause trouble for them, I could tell Stephen who was really behind carter and hay, but what's the point? It would probably backfire and Stephen would end up hating me more.
I think I'll go back to Ireland, I have family and friends there; maybe I could come back once I got my head around it all although I don't know if I will be able to.
I just can't stay here and act normal; it will hurt me more than I care to admit to see them together. I know I will never get close to anyone again I mean what is it all about anyway? What's the point in going through all we did together for it to end this way?
From now on, I'm going to be how I used to be, I'm gonna use men, use people to do what I want, and if I ever feel like I'm getting close to someone I will cut them off and move on again.
No-one is ever getting inside my head like he did, I would rather die. And when it all goes wrong for Stephen and Douglas which I can guarantee it will and he needs a shoulder to cry on, I'm not going to be there for him. No matter how much I want to be, because this love stuff just isn't for me.
If only I'd been honest with him, then maybe I would have stood a better chance; now all I have of him is memories,
Stephen Hay; the love I lost.
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