An Education

Jean wasn't sure what had caused such thoughts to take over her mind. Such horrible, wonderful, distracting, delicious, distressing thoughts. It had been nearly a week since she'd spoken to Father Emory and signed the papers and formally left the Church. And while she had made that decision in order to marry Lucien and to begin their life together as husband and wife, she hadn't fully realized what it would mean for all other aspects of her life, to finally be free from the moral absolutes of her Catholic upbringing.

She had tried to tell herself that nothing had really changed. She just wasn't a part of Sacred Heart anymore. Her own beliefs and morals were still the same. A sin was a sin, the love of Christ still flowed in her heart. But something had gotten her thinking: what was stopping her from exploring this new freedom? She wouldn't ever be going back to confession. Her sins, whatever they might be, would not be absolved. But worrying about heaven and hell and forgetting to live had never been something Jean had allowed herself to do before. And now those worries were somewhat moot.

So now, when left alone with all these things to consider, Jean's mind had invariably turned to the previously forbidden relations between a man and a woman. She had sinned with Christopher before they were wed, had married while she had the life of their daughter growing inside her, a life that God had taken from her in punishment for those sins. Christopher had been the only man she had ever given herself to.

But she was going to marry Lucien. He would be her husband, and she knew she would give herself to him when the time came. And she knew that he wanted her. It was palpable, the fervent desire that came off him in waves whenever his eyes traveled up and down her body, his hands gently placed on her arm or back or shoulder that trembled with the need to explore her further, the heady lust of his kisses that made her weak at the knees. Yes, Lucien desired her, and Jean knew without a doubt that she desired him too.

But what could she offer him? What could she provide this man who had traveled the world and experienced so much more than Jean, who had barely ever left Victoria? When the time came and her body was bared to him, what would he see? Would he still want her? Would she live up to his expectations? Would she disappoint him?

Plagued by these worries, Jean took matters into her own hands. When Lucien was out one day, Jean went into his study and searched the books on the shelves for something that could perhaps answer her questions. Perhaps give her some education on the things she was too mortified to consider.

She had just found the volume she wanted and flipped it open when Lucien suddenly appeared in the doorway. "What's that you're reading?" he asked with a cheeky grin.

Jean let the book fall from her hands. "I...I didn't know you were home," she stammered. All pretense was gone, she had no way to defend her dignity now.

He picked up the book and saw precisely what she was reading. Lucien looked at her with confusion. "Jean?"

She sighed, confessing her true purpose. "I was just curious. As we get...closer, I'm realizing more and more how inexperienced I am. And I just...don't want to be found lacking." Her gaze was planted firmly on the floor and her cheeks were hot with embarrassment and shame.

"I don't wish to be indelicate, but I am curious about what you mean by 'inexperienced.' You and Christopher were married quite some time, you surely..."

"But we were so young, Lucien! I was barely out of school when we got married. I was still in school when we..." she trailed off, feeling her cheeks grow hot.

"Jean, I won't judge you for anything, darling, I just want to understand," Lucien prompted gently.

Her eyes couldn't quite reach his as she tried to explain, "Neither of us knew what we were doing. Feverish kisses in the hayloft, his hands under my blouse, and then before I knew it, he'd taken my knickers off me and undone his trousers and...it hurt, at first, but it was lovely and we got better at it as the years went on. He was always gentle and loving and passionate, in his way. And I loved him, I truly did."

"I wouldn't have ever thought you didn't," he interjected softly.

"And I never had a complaint about anything in our bedroom. But I just...I know there's so much more that we never...tried...or explored...oh this is awful." Jean covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. "I just don't want to disappoint you," she mumbled, ashamed of her own insecurity.

Lucien took her wrists in his hands and pulled them from her face. "My darling Jean, you could never disappoint me. In fact, I've been rather nervous about disappointing you."

"What!?"

He chuckled, slightly embarrassed in his own right. "You've been worried you're too inexperienced? I've been worried I'm too over-experienced. I want to please you, so desperately. I don't want to overwhelm you or push you too far or ever make you uncomfortable in the least. My worst fear is that I'll lose control and frighten you. I don't ever want to make you feel as though you need to hide from me or that you can't trust me."

"I do trust you, Lucien," she promised. "And I...I don't want to hide from you. I don't want to hide from the desire I feel for you."

He gently cupped her face in his hand, his thumb caressing her cheekbone. "Neither do I. So perhaps we can explore together? All the wonderful ways I can love you and please you."

"And how I can please you," she added.

"We'll get to that. I don't want you to worry about me. It's rather easy to please me," he said with a wry smirk. "But our love life should be something that excites you. Not something to cause trepidation."

"Will you teach me, then?"

Lucien nodded. "Of course. After we're married, we'll take our time with everything," he assured her.

But Jean shook her head. "No, not after we're married. Now."

"Now!?"

She amended, "Well, not right this second. But...soon."

Lucien's blue eyes went dark at the thought of making love to Jean sooner rather than later. He swallowed hard. "If you'd like, I could draw up some lesson plans."

A smile curled on her lips. "Alright. Perhaps we can start my education tomorrow. You don't have any patients in the morning, so after Matthew leaves for the police station..."

He swallowed hard, trying not to let his mind wander too much yet. "Yes. Tomorrow." Lucien leaned in and kissed her because he couldn't help himself, but quickly pulled back, knowing he couldn't get really started or he'd never stop. "Tomorrow."