What Promotion?
by 80sarcades
This story is in response to 96 Hubbles #25 'Hun Happy Hour' challenge…enjoy!
Disclaimer: Me? Own Hogan's Heroes? Hmmm…(checking bank account)…Nope!
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Unlike the other patrons at the bar who had little to celebrate, Wolfgang Hochstetter was in a wonderful mood.
Of course, it would have been even better if he had caught Papa Bear -- Colonel Hogan -- or his men in the act. Still, preventing two acts of sabotage was enough to prove his worth to Berlin; the orders promoting him to Lieutenant Colonel had just come though that very day.
He glanced at the silver badges and smiled; if anything, it gave him a greater incentive to capture the most dangerous man in Germany. When he managed to do that -- not if, when -- he would wear the gold badges of a General Officer. Oh, how he longed for that day!
He signaled to the barmaid and ordered his first beer. Tonight, he was going to enjoy himself!
As it turned out, he just had one drink too many…
***
Colonel Hogan, meanwhile, was involved in a mission of his own.
The objective: how *not* to beat Klink too quickly at chess. Considering that Klink was an idiot, that was a challenge in itself.
He had just finished taking the Kommandant's rook when they both heard a loud crash from outside, followed by shouts. What awaited them outside was something they both soon wouldn't forget.
A car had literally crashed through the front gates and had come to a stop before the Kommandant's office. Guards were already posted at the door of each barracks to prevent any prisoners from leaving. Schultz, as usual, stated the obvious as he ran up to his Commanding Officer and gasped:
"Herr Kommandant, a car has crashed through the main gate!"
"I can see that, idiot!" Klink impatiently said. "Who…"
A loud creak drew their attention to the gate. Everyone watched as the left gate panel tore off of its hinges before toppling over to the ground, leaving the camp wide open.
"Schultz, double the guard at the gate!" Klink ordered, panic in his voice. As Schultz acknowledged the order and hurried off, Klink turned to his Senior Prisoner of War. "Hogan, I want no escapes tonight, or I will personally hold you responsible! Is that understood?!"
"Why would we escape, Kommandant?" Hogan innocently replied, baiting the senior Colonel. "And leave this beautiful resort?"
"Hogan…" Klink warned, his fist in the air.
"Why, you even have people driving their own cars to come here! That'll be sure to get you a good rating in the tour guide, sir," Hogan finished cheerfully.
Schultz, by that time, had returned and was listening to the exchange. "Perhaps they'll mention LeBeau's Apple Strudel. Oh, it is so mouthwatering…," he said, a pleasant look on his face.
"Don't forget his cooking, Schultz. French cuisine always livens up a place," Hogan offered.
Surprisingly, the Kommandant was actually nodding in agreement. "You're right, Hogan. Perhaps we should invite General Burkhalter to try…"
It was at that moment that he actually remembered what he had said.
"HOOOGANNN!" Klink bellowed, fist shaking.
Just then, the car door opened. Both officers, along with everyone else, watched as a very drunk Wolfgang Hochstetter staggered out of the car and to very unsteady feet. He took two steps toward the German Colonel and put his hands on the man's shoulders. Klink was too shocked to move.
"Ah, Major Hochstetter," he croaked, trying not to gag; the man reeked of alcohol. "What can I do for you?" he said in a small voice.
"That's Lieutenant Colonel to you, KLINK! You are an idiot!" Hochstetter bellowed, slurring his words. He then doubled over and threw up all over the Kommandant's boots before standing up, a bit wobbly. Klink stood there, jaw wide open, as the Gestapo man looked over at Hogan and smiled in relief.
"That's better…ah, Hogan!" Hochstetter called, staggering over to grab the American flyer. Hogan didn't know what was worse: the smell or the man. God knew that both of them were awful.
Hochstetter, meanwhile, looked up at the Colonel with drunken eyes before speaking again. "I'm going to enjoy capturing you, Hogan, and putting you in my special torture chamber, oh yes. I know you are Papa Bear, and I will prove it!"
The newly minted Lieutenant Colonel teetered back and forth on his heels before he managed to steady himself, then looked at Hogan again. Surprisingly, a wistful look appeared on his face as he looked at his nemesis.
"Did you know you are the best enemy a guy could have, Hogan?" he confessed. Hogan watched, stunned, as tears began to run down the man's cheeks while his voice turned friendly. "Deep down, I really like you…"
That was as far as he got before he passed out onto the ground, face first, before the two officers. The American Colonel looked at his German counterpart.
"You know, if Hilda could spare a dress, we could really make this evening memorable for him," Hogan quipped.
"Hogan…" the German Colonel said warningly, although there was a ghost of a smile on his lips.
***
"Just what the hell were you thinking, YOU IDIOT!?"
Hochstetter wished the General wouldn't yell. It just made the pounding worse.
"I expect such foolishness out of my lieutenants…however, you have done them one better, Hochstetter! First, you embarrass your new position -- and, by extension, me -- by going out and getting drunk. Then you try to assault the barmaid, who just happens to be the daughter of Lieutenant General Becker, a member of the Army General Staff! Then you go off to Stalag 13 and make the Gestapo look like fools in front of the Luftwaffe! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, HOCHSTETTER?!" the General screamed.
"Yes, sir," Hochstetter mumbled, trying to look contrite.
"And then -- then! -- you top it all off by declaring your friendship for an enemy officer…"
"Sir, I wouldn't do that," Hochstetter interjected, although at lower volume than usual. "Hogan is Papa Bear, the most dangerous man in Germany…"
"So you say, Hochstetter. And say. And say again, with no proof!" the General yelled. "You've made a fool of the Gestapo in this area. Much as I'd like to transfer you to the Russian Front…"
Hochstetter paled, instantly sober.
"…I have decided to keep you here on General Bier's recommendation, although why he would put up for you I have no idea. So here's what you are going to do to restore our reputation in this area.
First, you are going to apologize to the barmaid. Profusely. Then you are going to pay for the damage to the car AND the gates you damaged at Stalag 13. Your promotion orders, of course, are hereby revoked. Finally, you will personally go to Stalag 13 and apologize to both Colonel Klink and Colonel Hogan for your shameful behavior. Is that understood?" the General asked.
"But, Sir…" Hochstetter said.
"Is. That. Understood. Major?" the General asked calmly, enunciating each word while daring his subordinate to say 'no'.
"Ah…yes, sir," Hochstetter stammered; his feet twitched, itching to run.
"Good. That is all. Dismissed, Major!"
***
In his office, Hochstetter fumed. To apologize to an American Colonel…especially that swine…
I'll get you for this, Hogan! the demoted Major raged. I know you were behind this embarrassment…even if I can't prove it… For the only time that morning, he smiled. I will enjoy the end of that hunt, Hogan…
Meanwhile, he started another hunt. This time for more aspirin.
This was one hangover he didn't want to remember.
[fin/ende]
A/N: I started to send Hochstetter to the Russian front, but having him apologize was better. Poor schmuck! Besides, General Bier -- or Beer, pardon the pun -- wants him around; who am I to say no?
Reviews are appreciated; let me know what you think! Thanks!