Chapter 1- Decisions Derailed
Sunlight poured in through small cracks in the ratchety roof above me. It created sparkling stripes across my bare chest. How appropriate it was that only a small portion of my skin glittered from the light, for only part of me remained now. In the kitchen of the restaurant below me I heard scrambles and yelps as a grease fire erupted. The thought of the fire reminded me why I was here. I was supposed to be tracking, tracking Victoria. The fiery, vindictive red-headed vampire who was repulsive enough to have loved a brute like James. I could not bring myself to leave the rodent-infested heap of an apartment I had been renting for the past few weeks, though. I had lost the will to hunt, to fight. I rolled to the side and closed my eyes, trying to block out all sensation, but as always she appeared. Her image burned into my mind. Her long dark brown hair that fell in tousled waves. Her beautiful warm brown eyes that betrayed her secrecy, the only two windows I had to her otherwise closed off mind. Her scent, the scent that tortured me, the scent that I longed to smell again despite the painful, instinctual, burning it would undoubtedly produce.
How could I have left her? How had I been able to gaze into those eyes and tell her that I no longer wanted her? Tell her I would always love her in a way? I loved Bella in every way that I possibly could. I would never stop, I could never stop. She was as much a part of me now as the venom that ran through my once pulsing veins. It had been months since I'd heard her soft, regular pulse. It had been months since I had pressed my mouth to hers despite the inherent dangers and heard that pulse erratically sputter as I, as she so plainly put it, dazzled her. Perhaps I could run back to Forks tonight. Perhaps I could sneak through her window as I had done so many nights before and watch her sleep. The thought was so tempting. To watch her toss in her restless sleep, mumbling her most private thoughts as she tousled the quilt on her bed. I could check and see if she had found the mementos of me that I had hidden beneath her floorboards. I could see if she still thought of me, see if she had moved on like I had planned for her to.
But what if she had moved on? What if I returned only to find her bed empty, Charlie pacing as he awaited her return from a date with some awful, vile human boy who was in no way deserving of Bella's time, thoughts, attention, affection? What if I returned to find someone else holding her, sleeping by her side, having snuck through the window as I had? What if I returned to find her with that revolting Mike Newton? His tousled blonde hair which he so pathetically tried to style like mind laying on the pillow beside hers. His weak arm, which I could so easily break, wrapped around her as he slept. What I would not give to breathe and sleep, and hold Bella without fear of breaking her.
I could not return. I could not be angered by such thoughts. I wanted her to move on and I promised her that I would stay away, that she would never see me again.
But what if she hadn't moved on? What if she was still the fragile, broken creature that I had left in the woods? What if she was still haunted with the constant thoughts and memories of our time together like I was? What if I snuck into her window and she woke, as she had that one night, and saw me waiting there? What if she saw me and forgave me and gladly took me back into her warm arms?
No. I loved her too much to put her in danger. Surely, she was better now. Surely she had begun to forget the times we had, the forbidden love that we had shared. How I envied the ease with which human memories slipped away?
I held my Blackberry in my hands. My inbox was filled once again with emails, worried, frantic, from Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Alice, and even Jasper. Rosalie of course had not bothered to contact me. I was sure her ego was more bruised than ever now that not only had I fallen in love with a human whom by everyone else's standards was plain compared to Rosalie but I had thrown myself into this self inflicted exile now that I could not be with her. I erased the emails without reading them. I cleared the missed calls. I opened my contact list. The first name that appeared was the only person I was truly considering contacting, and only because I desperately wanted to use her gift of foresight. I had made Alice promise that she would not look into Bella's future, that she would not monitor Bella the way I had relied on her to last year as James hunted her. But Alice couldn't always help her visions, perhaps she had seen something? Some glimpse of my dear Bella. No. I could not call. Tempting as it was, I could not deal with my family's overwhelming concern, nor could I withstand the pain of knowing what Bella's bright future held in store.
How could I go on like this for several more decades? Hiding out, waiting for news of Bella's death? Waiting for the end of my reason for living and the beginning of the epic battle that I would partake in to follow her in death? Alice said that there was no way Bella would be better off without me. Alice was so rarely wrong, perhaps I should listen. Perhaps I should return to Forks. No. No. I was stronger than that. I would give Bella the chance to live a normal human life. Surely, she was ok. Surely, she was not a pathetic, wallowing creature wasting away in darkness as I was. Surely.
As I cracked my onyx eyes open, I traced my finger along the dirt that covered the wooden floorboards. Unconsciously, I drew the lines of her lovely face. I stared at the finished product in the dim light of the attic apartment. I could not resist this face. Not any longer. I jumped through the window, landing with ease in the alleyway below me and stole away, running and weaving my way through the streets of this small Brazilian town, so quickly that no human eyes could detect my fleeting presence.
I ran with purpose and determination but my strength began to diminish. I had been starving myself. I would need to eat if I were to complete this journey. I would need to eat to keep Bella safe from my venomous fangs and my undeniable thirst. I waited until nightfall and hunted until I was fully satiated. When I crossed into the United States, I checked into a hotel in a small town in Texas. I took the opportunity to shower and purchase a change of clothes. I would need to appear presentable when I arrived in Forks. I would need to look like the Edward that my Bella had known and loved if I had any prayer of getting my Bella back. I traveled the next evening to the nearest Volvo dealership. Careful to wait until it was dark enough for my skin not to give away my deadly secret. I was lucky enough to find a C30 nearly identical to the mine on the lot. I would need some sort of human transport to explain my presence in Forks. I would go get my car from Carlisle's house in New Hampshire but I could not bear to face Esme. She was so worried and would be so angered with me for putting her and myself through the past few tortuous months only to return to Bella and put Bella in the same danger I had put her in before. Perhaps this was a sign. Perhaps this was wrong. Perhaps I should drive and speak with Carlisle before I did this. Yes, I would drive. I would think. I would seek Carlisle's advice before I rendered the past few months of suffering and excruciating pain completely void of any purpose.