Always Bet on Thirteen: A Stalag Tale
by 80sarcades
Disclaimer: If I owned Hogan's Heroes, I'd be making a movie about them. So there!
Once upon a time, there was a war
France fell silent, four years score
England herself was on the ropes
Against the Nazis, there was no hope
The English fought on, in Occupied Europe
Until the last boats left merry old Dunkirk
A soldier one day, prisoner the next
Separated by rank, and branch of service
Your war is over, the Germans declared
Escape is impossible, you would not dare!
Prisoners were sent to camps across Germany
Good rations and freedom, a distant memory
Stalag 13 was one of those dreary camps
That stored airmen in enlisted men's pants
The prisoners escaped, and strove to succeed
Yet most were recaptured within a damn week
That all changed when two came to town
The first was a German, of little renown.
Klink was his name, and dim was his brain
General he dreamed, though Colonel he remained
The other was shot down, and shortly captured
The Germans cheered, for such was his stature
Your war is over; you're a prisoner of war!
If only the Germans knew what was in store…
To an enlisted man's camp, the Generals said
A place that would have filled a man with dread
The toughest escape proof camp, said one
He'll never see home before the war is done
Dropped off in camp, his place Barracks Two
Commanding cloth strips, and a motley crew
Black sparks, a thief, and a great French cook
Along with a kid that was older than he looked
The camp soon hummed with fervent activity
Underground it was; these chaps were busy
They never should have left Hogan in charge
Since all those tunnels, they grew rather large
The radio was up; London heard the call
Planes started to make drops by parachute fall
Canvas packs contained many nice surprises
Guns were welcomed, but explosives were nicer
Hogan was crafty; he had a sound plan
Let Klink's precious no escape record stand
We'll sneak out of camp; create hell all around
Then we'll get back home, before roll call sounds
The Colonel's Eagles soon took flight
Bombs soon blew up everything in sight
Generals soon disappeared; plots abounded
Playing with Klink's mind? Easier than it sounded
One man knew, but could only scream
Everyone knew he must be dreaming
Prisoners escape? You must be mad!
Why would they sabotage, and return to camp?
Major Hochstetter tried and failed, the poor sap
He never could get Hogan to lay in his trap
It enraged him, whenever Hogan was near
Snarling, cursing "What is this man doing here?"
Hogan's men, meanwhile, toasted their success
Knowing that they caused the enemy such distress
If they had had beer, it would have been Coors
As they thought of the Germans, and said "Up Yours!"
[fin/ende]
A/N: Sparks was slang for radio operator; Kinchloe, of course, was black. Cloth strips refer to enlisted men (rank worn on sleeves). Coors did exist in the 1940's -- its been around for more than a hundred years -- but as a regional beer only until the 1980's.
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