You were never scared. Never. For all of the years I have known you, you have never shown the slightest glimmer of fear. You were brave, my fighter. You fought for me, you fought for us. I felt like a coward a lot of the time next to you, and for a long time I was but you made me realise it was okay to stand up and be brave. You would always reassure me too, and I was always thankful for that.
"It's okay. In time you will see the light." You would say. I never quite understood what you meant by that, in time, but now I think I'm beginning to see where you were coming from. Being young and in love was blurring my vision and I will always regret never quite embracing you. All of you. I loved you, I did. Unconditionally. You knew that, you still know that. I just regret never taking in every single inch of your wonderful mind. I guess I made up for that though, didn't I? You know as we got only I think I changed quite a lot, I had a lot of growing up to do and you helped me get there. You didn't change. You didn't need to. You were still my beautiful, blonde, genius from all those years ago.
When we were living together for the first time it was so easy. Easier than I expected. To be honest I just assumed it would be hard for us, I just assumed it was hard for couple taking a step like that. Not for us. Waking up to the freckles on your face and your skin on my skin was just an indescribable perfect bliss and I wouldn't have had it any other way. It was the simple things I loved the most. Your smile when I would tickle you there. The light snores you would make in your sleep even though every morning you would swear blind you didn't make them.
I remember when I asked you the question. You couldn't believe it. You never thought I would actually do it. You believed in me, oh so much, I was overwhelmed by how much you believed in me. I think the doubt from all those years ago was still there though. The memories of me being scared overtook your mind a lot and I doubt you think I would ever actually do it. But I did. I asked you and the look on your face stays implanted in my memory until this very day. You cried, a lot. "Happy tears" you kept reminding me. Happy. So, so happy. You practically attacked me with your soft kisses and left me struggling to breath. I didn't mind at all though. If you were to kill me, and you have come very close at times, I would be nothing but honoured.
You always did look beautiful. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to look as beautiful as you did all of the time, but you did. The minute you woke up, when your hair was loose and falling around your face, I think that was my favourite moment of beauty. The day when you came walking down that aisle was a very close second. I was breathless. Darling, you made me weak. I thought my knees were going to give out any second. As soon and your hand brushed mine and held on tight, the trembling was gone and the tears were falling from my eyes. "Happy tears." I assured you.
You grew older gracefully, and I enjoyed every moment. The years were passing faster and faster and all I wanted was for time to stop. Just for a little while, I needed to it to stop going because I couldn't let this end any time soon. I wanted you for more than forever.
You had a secret though, and dear I wish you didn't. You kept it for a while until it was too late to keep it. I broke down at your words and I clung to you for life. I clung to you in case I couldn't cling to you anymore.
'In time.' You told me. You told me that in time it would be okay, as you always did. This was the only time in my life that I ever doubted you. I was breaking in front of you and you knew this isn't how it was supposed to be. It wasn't. I sobbed and sobbed and these were not happy tears anymore.
Soon I came to realise this wasn't about me anymore. This was about you and I couldn't make this worse. I was selfish and I will forever be sorry. You have no idea.
It was time and we both knew it. Oh god I wished time would stop. I begged in my mind. You didn't deserve this. Anyone but you.
Seven years on and I find myself staring up at the sky from my window knowing you're waiting for me. You would always wait for me. I knew it. I am just waiting for my time now and that time is edging ever closer. I can practically feel you with me in my final hours. It's time, Britt.
Open the door.