"The Space Is Out There,"
by Capt. Janeway
SUMMARY: X-Files/Star Trek: The Next Generation crossover. Chaos reigns
wherever the characters are, as usual. Please don't read this unless
you're familiar with both t.v. shows! :)
CATEGORY: Humor
RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: Insert Al Gore's voice here "I invented Star Trek: The Next
Generation, The X-Files, and everything that is related to these two
shows . . ." LOL Seriously, though, I own neither the characters nor
(sadly) any of the actors who play them. (Sicily is either rolling her eyes
or chuckling at the above statement right now . . .) Please don't sue
me!! I'm just a really bored Starfleet captain stuck in the middle of the
Delta Quadrant with a lousy first officer and an annoying blonde ex-
Borg drone!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first fic I've posted involving any of the Star Trek series, so
please bear with me if it isn't exactly to your standards. :) Also, in case
you don't already know this, I absolutely adore Lieutenant Commander
Data and Special Agent John Doggett (please don't punch your
computer monitor, all you Mulder-freaks!), so don't be surprised if
there's a lot of them in this story.
FEEDBACK: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE -- YOU MUST SEND ME FEEDBACK!!!
LOL You may either "be a responsible reader" and review my fic, or
you may contact me at janeway_borgq@startrekmail.com . Easy on the
flames, please; I'm just a Starfleet captain I can't do everything right
all the time. ;)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: The bridge of the Enterprise. PICARD is sitting in the captain's chair,
blankly staring at the viewscreen. RIKER is in his chair, yawning, and TROI is in her
chair, sound asleep. WORF is standing at his post with a very ferocious expression on
his face. DATA is working at his console, stopping only to mimic RIKER's yawn.)
PICARD (voice-over): Stardate: Uhh . . . Number One, what day is it today?
RIKER (voice-over): I think it's (yawn) Thursday.
PICARD (voice-over): Thank you, Number One. (he clears his throat as he continues:)
Stardate: Thursday afternoon. We have been sent to the Para-Noya System to
investigate reports of a "weirdo" terrorizing the citizens of a Starfleet colony on one of
the planets . . . Anyway, we seem to have lost our way, and are looking for the nearest
dilithium station so we can send an away team to ask for directions . . .
(Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light on the bridge and . . .)
Q: Jean-Luc! You look a little lost!
(Suspenseful music is played.)
(Main theme about space being the final frontier, yadda, yadda, yadda . . .)
(Way too many commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back on the bridge. Everyone has shocked expressions on their faces
except for DATA, naturally. Q is standing in the midst of the bridge right in front of
PICARD. Suddenly, TROI jumps up:)
TROI (urgently): Captain! I sense the presence of (seeing Q) Oh . . . never mind.
PICARD (rolling his eyes): Thank you, Counselor.
Q: Now, now, Jean-Luc: Let's not be harsh! She was just being a good counselor, wasn't
she?
(Q snaps his fingers, and suddenly a sign appears, hanging from TROI's neck,
with the words "GOOD COUNSELOR" written on it in big red letters.)
PICARD: That's enough, Q!
Q: You're such a party-pooper.
PICARD (really annoyed): What do you want with us?!
Q (pretending that his feelings are hurt): I just wanted to help you, Jean-Luc. As I believe
I said before, you look a little lost.
PICARD (shortly): We can find our own way, thank you.
Q (leaning closer to PICARD): You . . . Are . . . Lost!
PICARD: We . . . Don't . . . Need . . . Your . . . Help!!
Q: I don't believe you. Do you want to know why, Jean-Luc?
PICARD (sarcastically): Oh, yes, Q, the suspense is killing me.
Q: There isn't a dilithium station in sight, and your android friend there is simply pressing
buttons to make it appear that he was busy!
PICARD (turning toward Data): Data?!
DATA: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Is this true?
DATA: Yes, sir.
(Everyone glares at DATA, but he simply looks back at PICARD, blinking.)
PICARD: You made him do that, didn't you, Q?!
Q: Jean-Luc! I am offended that you would even suspect me of doing something so childish!
But, if you really want something to worry about besides a glitch-prone android
PICARD: --No! I don't!!!!--
Q: I can give you something far worse, unless you promise to be nice to me.
PICARD: You know I can't do that, Q.
Q: Why not, Jean-Luc?
PICARD: It's part of the deal with episodes you're in. The writers expect us to bicker
pointlessly on everything.
Q: Well . . . in that case, I can do something nice for you, if you'd like.
PICARD: No strings attached?
Q (crossing his fingers): No strings attached.
PICARD: What exactly is this "nice thing"?
Q: I'll give you that weirdo who has been terrorizing the Starfleet colony in the Para-Noya
System. It's an offer you can't refuse, Jean-Luc.
PICARD: No strings, eh, Q?
Q: No strings.
PICARD: I will have to consult with my senior officers about this, first.
(PICARD motions to WORF to open comm channels to Geordi LAFORGE and
Beverly CRUSHER.)
PICARD: Attention, everyone! We have a decision to make! Q has offered to help us
capture the mysterious "weirdo" in the Para-Noya System! All in favor of accepting
his proposition?
EVERYONE EXCEPT RIKER & WORF: Aye!
PICARD: All opposed?
RIKER & WORF: Nay!
PICARD (to RIKER and WORF): Sorry, but majority rules. (to Q) All right, Q. Let's have
it.
Q: I knew you'd find it in that little heart of yours to trust me, Jean-Luc! I can assure you,
you won't regret it!
(Q snaps his fingers, and all of a sudden . . . Special Agent Fox MULDER is
standing right next to Q.)
MULDER (who was transported in mid-sentence): The truth, beeeep! The truth!
It's out there, isn't it?! (suddenly realizing that he isn't where he was supposed to
be) What the heck?! Where am I?
Q: Here is your weirdo, Jean-Luc. And now, if you don't mind, I'd really like to be on my way
. . . I've got a very tight schedule . . . I'm in high demand in the world of Star Trek.
(Q snaps his fingers and leaves in a flash of light. Suspenseful music, too many
commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: The Brig Room. We see a lonely Klingon in a brig off to the right
playing a mournful tune on a harmonica. The camera pans slightly to the left, and we
see Special Agents John DOGGETT and Dana SCULLY sitting in their own separate
little brigs, looking very glum.)
SCULLY: I never thought it'd end this way, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: Me neither, Agent Scully.
SCULLY: I always thought that if I was ever killed-off the show, the writers would have me
die in Mulder's arms or something ridiculously mushy like that.
DOGGETT: At least you were on the show long enough to have 'shipper fans . . . Me? I was
on the show for barely one season, and now look where I'm at!
SCULLY: I wonder if this is where Deep Throat and the Cigarette-Smoking Man and Agent
Spender and Agent Fowley and the Well-Manicured Man and Mr. X all wound up
when they were killed off . . .
DOGGETT: I wish I knew, Agent Scully. I wish I knew.
(There is a pause; then:)
DOGGETT: Agent Scully?
SCULLY: Yes, Agent Doggett?
DOGGETT: Since this is probably the last conversation we'll have together, do you think we
should start using our first names?
SCULLY (giving a slightly disturbed laugh): Whatever you say, John.
DOGGETT: Sounds kinda weird, doesn't it, Dana?
(Another pause; then:)
DOGGETT: You know, I never really thought about it much before, but we've got pitiful
names.
SCULLY: Yeah. Don't they sound like names for soap opera characters?
DOGGETT: Yeah . . . I guess I should be thankful Chris Carter didn't name me "Fox,"
though.
SCULLY (a little defensively): Hey, it's not that bad of a name!
DOGGETT: Do you have any idea how humiliating it is for a guy to have a name like that?
No wonder he never let anyone use his first name!
(Suddenly, the doors to The Brig Room whoosh open, and we see PICARD, TROI,
and DATA enter. The security guard on duty can be seen snoring away in the
background.)
TROI: and anyways, he has a very complex personality that revolves entirely around his
sister and a woman (seeing SCULLY and DOGGETT) Let me guess: they're from
the 21st century, too?
DATA: That is correct, Counselor.
PICARD: Counselor, do you sense anything . . . unusual about them?
TROI: Unusual? Where would you like me to begin, Captain?
PICARD: Is there any indication that they might be the guest villains?
TROI (concentrating): Ummmmm . . . I don't think so . . . They do seem to be a bit
distraught, however.
SCULLY: Hello!! We are in the room, here!
TROI (to PICARD): I sense great frustration coming from the female.
SCULLY: Scully!! My name is Dana Scully!!
PICARD: Makes sense . . . Doctor Crusher found that the female was pregnant after
scanning her with the tricorder.
DATA: Perhaps she is the male's mate.
SCULLY & DOGGETT: Nooooooooooooooooo!!
PICARD: A possibility, Mister Data. (to TROI:) Anything from the male?
TROI: I sense . . . I sense that he lost someone very close to him . . . his so
DOGGETT: Shut-up, before you get me killed me off for sure!!
TROI: I am also sensing great frustration coming from the male.
DOGGETT (sarcastically): Oooooh . . . you're a bright one, aren't you?
DATA: Captain, I believe that they are trying to communicate with us.
SCULLY: Finally!
PICARD: You think so, Data?
DATA: Yes, Captain. I believe that they are sentient.
PICARD: What makes you think that, Data?
DATA: They speak American English, and the female insists that her name is Dana Scully.
PICARD: Ah, that explains it. (walking up to SCULLY's brig) I'm Captain Jean-Luc
Picard of the starship Enterprise . . . did you say your name was Dana Scully?
SCULLY: Uh, yeah . . . I'm an FBI agent.
PICARD: Nice to meet you. And you (walking over to DOGGETT) must be her mate
DOGGETT: No!! I am not her mate!! I can assure you, I never met the woman until the
beginning of the eighth season after she became pregnant!
PICARD (doubtfully): That's what they all say. Anway, what's your name?
DOGGETT: The name's Doggett -- John Doggett . . . I'm an FBI agent, too.
PICARD: All right. We'd like to ask you two a few questions, if you don't mind.
SCULLY: It's not like we have much of a choice, Mr. Picard.
PICARD (choosing to ignore SCULLY's comment): Do you know of another man from the
21st century named Fox Mulder?
DOGGETT: Are you kidding ?!
SCULLY (her eyes now the size of ping-pong balls): Mulder?! Mulder's here?!?!
PICARD (as SCULLY starts babbling frantically about MULDER): Do you know why
she's doing that, Agent Derick ?
DOGGETT: It's Doggett
PICARD: Doggett.
DOGGETT: Uhhh . . . some people think he's her, um, mate . . .
DATA (cocking his head): Ah! Perhaps we should put Agent Scully and Agent Mulder
together in the same brig!
(Everyone except SCULLY, who is still babbling her incoherent frustrations
about not being able to see MULDER glares at DATA. TROI is about to speak, but she
is interrupted:)
WORF (through PICARD's commbadge): Worf to Picard!
PICARD (slapping his commbadge): Picard here!
WORF: Sir, I'm getting another intruder alert on Deck 347,436 . . . according to an
anonymous female ensign's report, a really ugly old man is stinking up the entire deck
with cigarette smoke while he talks to a "really hot guy" . . . those are the ensign's
words, sir, not mine.
PICARD (realizing that Q double-crossed him): Thank you, Mister Worf . . . I'm on my
way. Picard out. (muttering to himself:) I am going to kill Q for this . . .
DATA: That is impossible, sir, as Q is omnipotent. Also, if you were able to kill him, you
would have done so by now.
PICARD: Touche, Mister Data. (turning to TROI): Mister Data and I are going to foolishly
put ourselves in harm's way on Deck 347,436. Counselor, you can just go to the
holodeck or something for the rest of the episode.
TROI: Thank you, sir, but I'd really like to speak with Agent Mulder--
SCULLY: --DID SOMEBODY MENTION MULDER'S NAME?!?!?!?!--
TROI: He's a rather complex man, Captain. He'll be a real challenge to diagnose.
PICARD: Very well, Counselor; as long as it keeps you occupied for the rest of the episode.
(PICARD, DATA, and TROI exit. The lonely Klingon picks his harmonica back
up, and starts playing a tune to which SCULLY now sings her frustrations in a "cry-
over-your-beer" country song. DOGGETT, however, does not appreciate SCULLY's
singing abilities or lack thereof, and starts demanding that SCULLY "shuts the
beeeep up.")
(Too many commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: A corridor that looks like all the other corridors seen in past NextGen
episodes, apparently Deck 347,436. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, Alex
KRYCEK, and MARITA are all plotting and planning something as confused
crewmembers watch with quizzical expressions on their faces. Suddenly, WORF and
his Security Team run around the corner, brandishing phaser rifles. The other
crewmembers jump away from the X-Files trio.)
WORF: You all must come with us or die!!
KRYCEK: Hey, hey! Wait a minute! We're just members of the Conspiracy . . . you can't
arrest us!! We're only allowed to be killed-off!!
MARITA: Speak for yourself, Alex! I'll take a prison cell any day!
KRYCEK (looking her over): Yeah . . . you'd look pretty good in one of those orange
suits . . . Mmmmm . . .
MARITA: Will you stop that, Alex! It's very embarrassing for me . . .
CSM: Is it embarrassing for you, Marita? Is it really?
(KRYCEK and MARITA roll their eyes.)
WORF: I don't care about what you say, wimpy human male . . . I will not compromise my
honor just because you say I should!!
KRYCEK: Watch who you're calling wimpy! Do you have any idea how many times Mulder's
beat me up, and yet I never got any bruises or broken bones!
MARITA: Well, you did lose an arm, Alex.
KRYCEK: Yeah, but that wasn't because of Mulder.
CSM: Was it not Mulder's fault? Was it really not?
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!
WORF: I do not care! It is a good day for all of you to die!!
(PICARD and DATA enter, also carrying phaser rifles.)
PICARD: Sorry we're late . . . what's going on here?
WORF: These three cowards will die unless they go to The Brig Room!!
PICARD: Mister Worf, I think you should tone down the "die" part of your threat a bit . . .
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN pulls out a Morley and lights it.)
PICARD: Worf!! Kill them!!! KILL THEM ALL!! THEY'RE CONTAMINATING OUR
PRISTINE AIR WITH NOXIOUS CIGARETTE SMOKE!!!!!!
WORF (grinning): Gladly, sir.
(WORF and the Security Team aim their phaser rifles at the CIGARETTE-
SMOKING MAN, while the rest of the crewmembers start to gang up against KRYCEK
and MARITA.)
KRYCEK: Hey! We aren't the ones smoking!!
MARITA: Ow!! Cut that out!! Do you have any idea how much it costs for me to get my hair
done decently in a place like D.C.?!
KRYCEK (angrily to CSM): Way to go, Smokestack!!!
(Suddenly, MULDER rushes in.)
MULDER: Stop it!! All of you!! They aren't supposed to be killed-off yet!!
(Everyone freezes; WORF scowls.)
WORF (to PICARD, referring to MULDER): Perhaps it is a good day for him to die?
PICARD: No, Mister Worf. It is not a good day for anyone to die . . . except for the guy
smoking cigarettes.
WORF: With your permission, sir?
PICARD: Can he be killed-off, Mister Mulder?
MULDER (scratching his head): Y'know . . . I could've sworn I heard he was crippled and
supposed to be dead, anyways . . . Yeah, go ahead.
(WORF fires his phaser at the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, but it has no
effect.)
WORF: Captain!! The phasers are having no effect!!
CSM: Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!! You can never stop me! . . . or can you?
(The CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN runs off, with KRYCEK, MARITA, and
WORF at his heels. Doctor CRUSHER enters.)
CRUSHER: Captain! I think I know why the phaser is having no effect on the Cigarette-
Smoking Man. I scanned him with my tricorder just before he left, and I found this.
PICARD (taking a look at the tricorder's readings): My gosh, Beverly!! Those nicotine
readings are off the chart!!
DATA: It is very likely that the nicotine acts as an inhibitor, preventing the phaser from
damaging him.
PICARD: How can neutralize the nicotine?
CRUSHER: We can't. All we can do is hope that either he gets a type of lung cancer that
moves very quickly really soon, or that Worf beats the beeeeeep out of him.
DATA: According to my calculations, Captain, I believe the wisest course of action is to wait
for Worf to "beat the beeeeeep out of him."
EVERYONE EXCEPT MULDER & DATA: Data!!!
PICARD: Only humans are allowed to cuss!
DATA: I am sorry, sir. I shall never cuss again, even when we start making movies.
PICARD: That's all very nice, Data, but I still think I'll have Counselor Troi wash your mouth
out with soap at the end of this episode.
DATA: Are you sure that is wise, sir? Do you realize how paranoid Commander Riker is?
PICARD: Good point, Mister Data.
MULDER: Oh! So he's
TROI (entering): There you are!! Why did you leave my quarters?! I only ran to the
restroom for a moment
MULDER (begging WORF): Save me!! Save me from this annoying woman, please!!!
PICARD: Of course, we will save you, Mister Mulder . . . after you tell us what you know
about John Doggett and Dana Scully
MULDER (his eyes as wide as SCULLY's were previously): Scully?!?! Scully's here?!
(PICARD slaps his hairless forehead as MULDER now starts to babble his
frustrations in a similar fashion that SCULLY did.)
DATA: I believe that it is reasonable to assume, Captain, that Agents Mulder and Scully
have strong emotions for each other.
PICARD: Counselor, I thought I specifically instructed you to stay out of the way the rest of
this episode!!
TROI: I realize that, Captain, but I didn't know you were here! Now, Agent Mulder, come
here!!
(MULDER runs around the corner and into a turbolift.)
TROI: Argh!! I am going to kill him!!!
(TROI runs after MULDER.)
(Too many commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: On the bridge. The only crewmembers we can recognize are
LAFORGE and RIKER; the rest are nameless little ensigns and midshipmen. RIKER is
now soundly sleeping in the captain's chair, while LAFORGE is working at DATA's
console. Suddenly, the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (followed by MARITA, KRYCEK,
and WORF) bursts through the turbolift doors at the back of the bridge, and causes
RIKER to awake.)
LAFORGE: What the beeeeeep?!?!
RIKER: What's going on here?!
WORF (furiously): These cowards must die!!!!!!!!!!
RIKER: Look, Worf: You say that about everyone. You need to tone down this whole death
thing . . . I realize you're Klingon, but
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN whips out a Morley, steals a phaser from an
anonymous ensign working a console, and tries to use the phaser to light the Morley, as
he can't find his lighter. After several tries, he finally gets the cigarette lit.)
RIKER: Worf!!!! Kill him!! KILL HIM!!!! HE'S POISONING OUR AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
(WORF walks up to the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, picks him up, and throws
him across the bridge, causing CSM to land with a CRACK! against the opposite wall.
WORF walks over to him and searches for CSM's pulse; WORF grins.)
WORF: He is dead.
MARITA: It's about time he dies!
KRYCEK: Yeah! (turning to MARITA): Now that the Smokestack's finally dead, the
Conspiracy is all ours, baby.
MARITA (giggling): Oh, Alex!
KRYCEK: Marita!
(KRYCEK and MARITA walk back to the turbolift and go in, the doors wooshing
closed behind them.)
RIKER (sighing): Another happy couple united on the Enterprise.
(Suddenly, we see MULDER rush out of the turbolift, laughing his heart out, as
MARITA and KRYCEK both start cursing him from the turbolift. Almost
simultaneously, SCULLY and DOGGETT crawl out from their hiding places under the
science station, to the surprise of the crew working there. Their hair is tousled, and
their clothes are very dirty. SCULLY and MULDER's eyes quickly meet, and they rush
to each other.)
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: I missed you so much!!
MULDER: I missed you, too!!
SCULLY: We don't have to bother with reporting to Kersh anymore!!
MULDER: That's great!!
SCULLY: Skinner's a believer!!
MULDER: That's great!!
SCULLY: I'm pregnant!!
MULDER: That's great!!
SCULLY: Agent Doggett's the father of my baby!!
MULDER: That's gre (catching himself) Wait a minute!! That's terrible!!
SCULLY (grinning): Just checking to make sure you're paying attention.
MULDER (with a relieved smile): Aww, Scully . . .
SCULLY: Mulder . . .
(MULDER and SCULLY walk into PICARD's ready room. The doors woosh
closed behind them.)
RIKER: Ah, yet another happy couple (seeing DOGGETT) Aren't you supposed to be in a
brig or something?
DOGGETT: Well, I'm not real sure. Some production guy I ran into on the sound stage told
me I was supposed to be here with her.
RIKER: Do you have a girl?
DOGGETT: Uhhhhh . . . No?
RIKER: Mr. Worf, take him back to the brig.
WORF: Aye, sir.
DOGGETT: Wait!! (looking around him frantically before violently tearing a nice
blonde female ensign, who has a striking resemblance to Jeri Ryan, from her
console:) Uhh . . . her!! She's my girl!!!
(DOGGETT gives the poor unsuspecting ensign a HUGE kiss if you've ever
seen a James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan, you know exactly what I'm talking
about)
RIKER: Uh, okay . . . you two can go. Long as you're in love and all that mushy stuff.
(DOGGETT drags the shocked ensign to the turbolift.)
RIKER: Ah . . . life doesn't get much better, Mr. LaForge. Three happy couples, all in one
day.
LAFORGE (muttering under his breath): I think I'm gonna be sick.
(End credits . . . reprise of main theme . . . UPN's ad for its next show which is
really stupid . . .)
******************************************************************************
Did you enjoy my wittle story? Please let me know by reviewing!! Thanx!! ;)
by Capt. Janeway
SUMMARY: X-Files/Star Trek: The Next Generation crossover. Chaos reigns
wherever the characters are, as usual. Please don't read this unless
you're familiar with both t.v. shows! :)
CATEGORY: Humor
RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: Insert Al Gore's voice here "I invented Star Trek: The Next
Generation, The X-Files, and everything that is related to these two
shows . . ." LOL Seriously, though, I own neither the characters nor
(sadly) any of the actors who play them. (Sicily is either rolling her eyes
or chuckling at the above statement right now . . .) Please don't sue
me!! I'm just a really bored Starfleet captain stuck in the middle of the
Delta Quadrant with a lousy first officer and an annoying blonde ex-
Borg drone!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first fic I've posted involving any of the Star Trek series, so
please bear with me if it isn't exactly to your standards. :) Also, in case
you don't already know this, I absolutely adore Lieutenant Commander
Data and Special Agent John Doggett (please don't punch your
computer monitor, all you Mulder-freaks!), so don't be surprised if
there's a lot of them in this story.
FEEDBACK: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE -- YOU MUST SEND ME FEEDBACK!!!
LOL You may either "be a responsible reader" and review my fic, or
you may contact me at janeway_borgq@startrekmail.com . Easy on the
flames, please; I'm just a Starfleet captain I can't do everything right
all the time. ;)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: The bridge of the Enterprise. PICARD is sitting in the captain's chair,
blankly staring at the viewscreen. RIKER is in his chair, yawning, and TROI is in her
chair, sound asleep. WORF is standing at his post with a very ferocious expression on
his face. DATA is working at his console, stopping only to mimic RIKER's yawn.)
PICARD (voice-over): Stardate: Uhh . . . Number One, what day is it today?
RIKER (voice-over): I think it's (yawn) Thursday.
PICARD (voice-over): Thank you, Number One. (he clears his throat as he continues:)
Stardate: Thursday afternoon. We have been sent to the Para-Noya System to
investigate reports of a "weirdo" terrorizing the citizens of a Starfleet colony on one of
the planets . . . Anyway, we seem to have lost our way, and are looking for the nearest
dilithium station so we can send an away team to ask for directions . . .
(Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light on the bridge and . . .)
Q: Jean-Luc! You look a little lost!
(Suspenseful music is played.)
(Main theme about space being the final frontier, yadda, yadda, yadda . . .)
(Way too many commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back on the bridge. Everyone has shocked expressions on their faces
except for DATA, naturally. Q is standing in the midst of the bridge right in front of
PICARD. Suddenly, TROI jumps up:)
TROI (urgently): Captain! I sense the presence of (seeing Q) Oh . . . never mind.
PICARD (rolling his eyes): Thank you, Counselor.
Q: Now, now, Jean-Luc: Let's not be harsh! She was just being a good counselor, wasn't
she?
(Q snaps his fingers, and suddenly a sign appears, hanging from TROI's neck,
with the words "GOOD COUNSELOR" written on it in big red letters.)
PICARD: That's enough, Q!
Q: You're such a party-pooper.
PICARD (really annoyed): What do you want with us?!
Q (pretending that his feelings are hurt): I just wanted to help you, Jean-Luc. As I believe
I said before, you look a little lost.
PICARD (shortly): We can find our own way, thank you.
Q (leaning closer to PICARD): You . . . Are . . . Lost!
PICARD: We . . . Don't . . . Need . . . Your . . . Help!!
Q: I don't believe you. Do you want to know why, Jean-Luc?
PICARD (sarcastically): Oh, yes, Q, the suspense is killing me.
Q: There isn't a dilithium station in sight, and your android friend there is simply pressing
buttons to make it appear that he was busy!
PICARD (turning toward Data): Data?!
DATA: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Is this true?
DATA: Yes, sir.
(Everyone glares at DATA, but he simply looks back at PICARD, blinking.)
PICARD: You made him do that, didn't you, Q?!
Q: Jean-Luc! I am offended that you would even suspect me of doing something so childish!
But, if you really want something to worry about besides a glitch-prone android
PICARD: --No! I don't!!!!--
Q: I can give you something far worse, unless you promise to be nice to me.
PICARD: You know I can't do that, Q.
Q: Why not, Jean-Luc?
PICARD: It's part of the deal with episodes you're in. The writers expect us to bicker
pointlessly on everything.
Q: Well . . . in that case, I can do something nice for you, if you'd like.
PICARD: No strings attached?
Q (crossing his fingers): No strings attached.
PICARD: What exactly is this "nice thing"?
Q: I'll give you that weirdo who has been terrorizing the Starfleet colony in the Para-Noya
System. It's an offer you can't refuse, Jean-Luc.
PICARD: No strings, eh, Q?
Q: No strings.
PICARD: I will have to consult with my senior officers about this, first.
(PICARD motions to WORF to open comm channels to Geordi LAFORGE and
Beverly CRUSHER.)
PICARD: Attention, everyone! We have a decision to make! Q has offered to help us
capture the mysterious "weirdo" in the Para-Noya System! All in favor of accepting
his proposition?
EVERYONE EXCEPT RIKER & WORF: Aye!
PICARD: All opposed?
RIKER & WORF: Nay!
PICARD (to RIKER and WORF): Sorry, but majority rules. (to Q) All right, Q. Let's have
it.
Q: I knew you'd find it in that little heart of yours to trust me, Jean-Luc! I can assure you,
you won't regret it!
(Q snaps his fingers, and all of a sudden . . . Special Agent Fox MULDER is
standing right next to Q.)
MULDER (who was transported in mid-sentence): The truth, beeeep! The truth!
It's out there, isn't it?! (suddenly realizing that he isn't where he was supposed to
be) What the heck?! Where am I?
Q: Here is your weirdo, Jean-Luc. And now, if you don't mind, I'd really like to be on my way
. . . I've got a very tight schedule . . . I'm in high demand in the world of Star Trek.
(Q snaps his fingers and leaves in a flash of light. Suspenseful music, too many
commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: The Brig Room. We see a lonely Klingon in a brig off to the right
playing a mournful tune on a harmonica. The camera pans slightly to the left, and we
see Special Agents John DOGGETT and Dana SCULLY sitting in their own separate
little brigs, looking very glum.)
SCULLY: I never thought it'd end this way, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: Me neither, Agent Scully.
SCULLY: I always thought that if I was ever killed-off the show, the writers would have me
die in Mulder's arms or something ridiculously mushy like that.
DOGGETT: At least you were on the show long enough to have 'shipper fans . . . Me? I was
on the show for barely one season, and now look where I'm at!
SCULLY: I wonder if this is where Deep Throat and the Cigarette-Smoking Man and Agent
Spender and Agent Fowley and the Well-Manicured Man and Mr. X all wound up
when they were killed off . . .
DOGGETT: I wish I knew, Agent Scully. I wish I knew.
(There is a pause; then:)
DOGGETT: Agent Scully?
SCULLY: Yes, Agent Doggett?
DOGGETT: Since this is probably the last conversation we'll have together, do you think we
should start using our first names?
SCULLY (giving a slightly disturbed laugh): Whatever you say, John.
DOGGETT: Sounds kinda weird, doesn't it, Dana?
(Another pause; then:)
DOGGETT: You know, I never really thought about it much before, but we've got pitiful
names.
SCULLY: Yeah. Don't they sound like names for soap opera characters?
DOGGETT: Yeah . . . I guess I should be thankful Chris Carter didn't name me "Fox,"
though.
SCULLY (a little defensively): Hey, it's not that bad of a name!
DOGGETT: Do you have any idea how humiliating it is for a guy to have a name like that?
No wonder he never let anyone use his first name!
(Suddenly, the doors to The Brig Room whoosh open, and we see PICARD, TROI,
and DATA enter. The security guard on duty can be seen snoring away in the
background.)
TROI: and anyways, he has a very complex personality that revolves entirely around his
sister and a woman (seeing SCULLY and DOGGETT) Let me guess: they're from
the 21st century, too?
DATA: That is correct, Counselor.
PICARD: Counselor, do you sense anything . . . unusual about them?
TROI: Unusual? Where would you like me to begin, Captain?
PICARD: Is there any indication that they might be the guest villains?
TROI (concentrating): Ummmmm . . . I don't think so . . . They do seem to be a bit
distraught, however.
SCULLY: Hello!! We are in the room, here!
TROI (to PICARD): I sense great frustration coming from the female.
SCULLY: Scully!! My name is Dana Scully!!
PICARD: Makes sense . . . Doctor Crusher found that the female was pregnant after
scanning her with the tricorder.
DATA: Perhaps she is the male's mate.
SCULLY & DOGGETT: Nooooooooooooooooo!!
PICARD: A possibility, Mister Data. (to TROI:) Anything from the male?
TROI: I sense . . . I sense that he lost someone very close to him . . . his so
DOGGETT: Shut-up, before you get me killed me off for sure!!
TROI: I am also sensing great frustration coming from the male.
DOGGETT (sarcastically): Oooooh . . . you're a bright one, aren't you?
DATA: Captain, I believe that they are trying to communicate with us.
SCULLY: Finally!
PICARD: You think so, Data?
DATA: Yes, Captain. I believe that they are sentient.
PICARD: What makes you think that, Data?
DATA: They speak American English, and the female insists that her name is Dana Scully.
PICARD: Ah, that explains it. (walking up to SCULLY's brig) I'm Captain Jean-Luc
Picard of the starship Enterprise . . . did you say your name was Dana Scully?
SCULLY: Uh, yeah . . . I'm an FBI agent.
PICARD: Nice to meet you. And you (walking over to DOGGETT) must be her mate
DOGGETT: No!! I am not her mate!! I can assure you, I never met the woman until the
beginning of the eighth season after she became pregnant!
PICARD (doubtfully): That's what they all say. Anway, what's your name?
DOGGETT: The name's Doggett -- John Doggett . . . I'm an FBI agent, too.
PICARD: All right. We'd like to ask you two a few questions, if you don't mind.
SCULLY: It's not like we have much of a choice, Mr. Picard.
PICARD (choosing to ignore SCULLY's comment): Do you know of another man from the
21st century named Fox Mulder?
DOGGETT: Are you kidding ?!
SCULLY (her eyes now the size of ping-pong balls): Mulder?! Mulder's here?!?!
PICARD (as SCULLY starts babbling frantically about MULDER): Do you know why
she's doing that, Agent Derick ?
DOGGETT: It's Doggett
PICARD: Doggett.
DOGGETT: Uhhh . . . some people think he's her, um, mate . . .
DATA (cocking his head): Ah! Perhaps we should put Agent Scully and Agent Mulder
together in the same brig!
(Everyone except SCULLY, who is still babbling her incoherent frustrations
about not being able to see MULDER glares at DATA. TROI is about to speak, but she
is interrupted:)
WORF (through PICARD's commbadge): Worf to Picard!
PICARD (slapping his commbadge): Picard here!
WORF: Sir, I'm getting another intruder alert on Deck 347,436 . . . according to an
anonymous female ensign's report, a really ugly old man is stinking up the entire deck
with cigarette smoke while he talks to a "really hot guy" . . . those are the ensign's
words, sir, not mine.
PICARD (realizing that Q double-crossed him): Thank you, Mister Worf . . . I'm on my
way. Picard out. (muttering to himself:) I am going to kill Q for this . . .
DATA: That is impossible, sir, as Q is omnipotent. Also, if you were able to kill him, you
would have done so by now.
PICARD: Touche, Mister Data. (turning to TROI): Mister Data and I are going to foolishly
put ourselves in harm's way on Deck 347,436. Counselor, you can just go to the
holodeck or something for the rest of the episode.
TROI: Thank you, sir, but I'd really like to speak with Agent Mulder--
SCULLY: --DID SOMEBODY MENTION MULDER'S NAME?!?!?!?!--
TROI: He's a rather complex man, Captain. He'll be a real challenge to diagnose.
PICARD: Very well, Counselor; as long as it keeps you occupied for the rest of the episode.
(PICARD, DATA, and TROI exit. The lonely Klingon picks his harmonica back
up, and starts playing a tune to which SCULLY now sings her frustrations in a "cry-
over-your-beer" country song. DOGGETT, however, does not appreciate SCULLY's
singing abilities or lack thereof, and starts demanding that SCULLY "shuts the
beeeep up.")
(Too many commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: A corridor that looks like all the other corridors seen in past NextGen
episodes, apparently Deck 347,436. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, Alex
KRYCEK, and MARITA are all plotting and planning something as confused
crewmembers watch with quizzical expressions on their faces. Suddenly, WORF and
his Security Team run around the corner, brandishing phaser rifles. The other
crewmembers jump away from the X-Files trio.)
WORF: You all must come with us or die!!
KRYCEK: Hey, hey! Wait a minute! We're just members of the Conspiracy . . . you can't
arrest us!! We're only allowed to be killed-off!!
MARITA: Speak for yourself, Alex! I'll take a prison cell any day!
KRYCEK (looking her over): Yeah . . . you'd look pretty good in one of those orange
suits . . . Mmmmm . . .
MARITA: Will you stop that, Alex! It's very embarrassing for me . . .
CSM: Is it embarrassing for you, Marita? Is it really?
(KRYCEK and MARITA roll their eyes.)
WORF: I don't care about what you say, wimpy human male . . . I will not compromise my
honor just because you say I should!!
KRYCEK: Watch who you're calling wimpy! Do you have any idea how many times Mulder's
beat me up, and yet I never got any bruises or broken bones!
MARITA: Well, you did lose an arm, Alex.
KRYCEK: Yeah, but that wasn't because of Mulder.
CSM: Was it not Mulder's fault? Was it really not?
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!
WORF: I do not care! It is a good day for all of you to die!!
(PICARD and DATA enter, also carrying phaser rifles.)
PICARD: Sorry we're late . . . what's going on here?
WORF: These three cowards will die unless they go to The Brig Room!!
PICARD: Mister Worf, I think you should tone down the "die" part of your threat a bit . . .
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN pulls out a Morley and lights it.)
PICARD: Worf!! Kill them!!! KILL THEM ALL!! THEY'RE CONTAMINATING OUR
PRISTINE AIR WITH NOXIOUS CIGARETTE SMOKE!!!!!!
WORF (grinning): Gladly, sir.
(WORF and the Security Team aim their phaser rifles at the CIGARETTE-
SMOKING MAN, while the rest of the crewmembers start to gang up against KRYCEK
and MARITA.)
KRYCEK: Hey! We aren't the ones smoking!!
MARITA: Ow!! Cut that out!! Do you have any idea how much it costs for me to get my hair
done decently in a place like D.C.?!
KRYCEK (angrily to CSM): Way to go, Smokestack!!!
(Suddenly, MULDER rushes in.)
MULDER: Stop it!! All of you!! They aren't supposed to be killed-off yet!!
(Everyone freezes; WORF scowls.)
WORF (to PICARD, referring to MULDER): Perhaps it is a good day for him to die?
PICARD: No, Mister Worf. It is not a good day for anyone to die . . . except for the guy
smoking cigarettes.
WORF: With your permission, sir?
PICARD: Can he be killed-off, Mister Mulder?
MULDER (scratching his head): Y'know . . . I could've sworn I heard he was crippled and
supposed to be dead, anyways . . . Yeah, go ahead.
(WORF fires his phaser at the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, but it has no
effect.)
WORF: Captain!! The phasers are having no effect!!
CSM: Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!! You can never stop me! . . . or can you?
(The CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN runs off, with KRYCEK, MARITA, and
WORF at his heels. Doctor CRUSHER enters.)
CRUSHER: Captain! I think I know why the phaser is having no effect on the Cigarette-
Smoking Man. I scanned him with my tricorder just before he left, and I found this.
PICARD (taking a look at the tricorder's readings): My gosh, Beverly!! Those nicotine
readings are off the chart!!
DATA: It is very likely that the nicotine acts as an inhibitor, preventing the phaser from
damaging him.
PICARD: How can neutralize the nicotine?
CRUSHER: We can't. All we can do is hope that either he gets a type of lung cancer that
moves very quickly really soon, or that Worf beats the beeeeeep out of him.
DATA: According to my calculations, Captain, I believe the wisest course of action is to wait
for Worf to "beat the beeeeeep out of him."
EVERYONE EXCEPT MULDER & DATA: Data!!!
PICARD: Only humans are allowed to cuss!
DATA: I am sorry, sir. I shall never cuss again, even when we start making movies.
PICARD: That's all very nice, Data, but I still think I'll have Counselor Troi wash your mouth
out with soap at the end of this episode.
DATA: Are you sure that is wise, sir? Do you realize how paranoid Commander Riker is?
PICARD: Good point, Mister Data.
MULDER: Oh! So he's
TROI (entering): There you are!! Why did you leave my quarters?! I only ran to the
restroom for a moment
MULDER (begging WORF): Save me!! Save me from this annoying woman, please!!!
PICARD: Of course, we will save you, Mister Mulder . . . after you tell us what you know
about John Doggett and Dana Scully
MULDER (his eyes as wide as SCULLY's were previously): Scully?!?! Scully's here?!
(PICARD slaps his hairless forehead as MULDER now starts to babble his
frustrations in a similar fashion that SCULLY did.)
DATA: I believe that it is reasonable to assume, Captain, that Agents Mulder and Scully
have strong emotions for each other.
PICARD: Counselor, I thought I specifically instructed you to stay out of the way the rest of
this episode!!
TROI: I realize that, Captain, but I didn't know you were here! Now, Agent Mulder, come
here!!
(MULDER runs around the corner and into a turbolift.)
TROI: Argh!! I am going to kill him!!!
(TROI runs after MULDER.)
(Too many commercials . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: On the bridge. The only crewmembers we can recognize are
LAFORGE and RIKER; the rest are nameless little ensigns and midshipmen. RIKER is
now soundly sleeping in the captain's chair, while LAFORGE is working at DATA's
console. Suddenly, the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (followed by MARITA, KRYCEK,
and WORF) bursts through the turbolift doors at the back of the bridge, and causes
RIKER to awake.)
LAFORGE: What the beeeeeep?!?!
RIKER: What's going on here?!
WORF (furiously): These cowards must die!!!!!!!!!!
RIKER: Look, Worf: You say that about everyone. You need to tone down this whole death
thing . . . I realize you're Klingon, but
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN whips out a Morley, steals a phaser from an
anonymous ensign working a console, and tries to use the phaser to light the Morley, as
he can't find his lighter. After several tries, he finally gets the cigarette lit.)
RIKER: Worf!!!! Kill him!! KILL HIM!!!! HE'S POISONING OUR AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
(WORF walks up to the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, picks him up, and throws
him across the bridge, causing CSM to land with a CRACK! against the opposite wall.
WORF walks over to him and searches for CSM's pulse; WORF grins.)
WORF: He is dead.
MARITA: It's about time he dies!
KRYCEK: Yeah! (turning to MARITA): Now that the Smokestack's finally dead, the
Conspiracy is all ours, baby.
MARITA (giggling): Oh, Alex!
KRYCEK: Marita!
(KRYCEK and MARITA walk back to the turbolift and go in, the doors wooshing
closed behind them.)
RIKER (sighing): Another happy couple united on the Enterprise.
(Suddenly, we see MULDER rush out of the turbolift, laughing his heart out, as
MARITA and KRYCEK both start cursing him from the turbolift. Almost
simultaneously, SCULLY and DOGGETT crawl out from their hiding places under the
science station, to the surprise of the crew working there. Their hair is tousled, and
their clothes are very dirty. SCULLY and MULDER's eyes quickly meet, and they rush
to each other.)
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: I missed you so much!!
MULDER: I missed you, too!!
SCULLY: We don't have to bother with reporting to Kersh anymore!!
MULDER: That's great!!
SCULLY: Skinner's a believer!!
MULDER: That's great!!
SCULLY: I'm pregnant!!
MULDER: That's great!!
SCULLY: Agent Doggett's the father of my baby!!
MULDER: That's gre (catching himself) Wait a minute!! That's terrible!!
SCULLY (grinning): Just checking to make sure you're paying attention.
MULDER (with a relieved smile): Aww, Scully . . .
SCULLY: Mulder . . .
(MULDER and SCULLY walk into PICARD's ready room. The doors woosh
closed behind them.)
RIKER: Ah, yet another happy couple (seeing DOGGETT) Aren't you supposed to be in a
brig or something?
DOGGETT: Well, I'm not real sure. Some production guy I ran into on the sound stage told
me I was supposed to be here with her.
RIKER: Do you have a girl?
DOGGETT: Uhhhhh . . . No?
RIKER: Mr. Worf, take him back to the brig.
WORF: Aye, sir.
DOGGETT: Wait!! (looking around him frantically before violently tearing a nice
blonde female ensign, who has a striking resemblance to Jeri Ryan, from her
console:) Uhh . . . her!! She's my girl!!!
(DOGGETT gives the poor unsuspecting ensign a HUGE kiss if you've ever
seen a James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan, you know exactly what I'm talking
about)
RIKER: Uh, okay . . . you two can go. Long as you're in love and all that mushy stuff.
(DOGGETT drags the shocked ensign to the turbolift.)
RIKER: Ah . . . life doesn't get much better, Mr. LaForge. Three happy couples, all in one
day.
LAFORGE (muttering under his breath): I think I'm gonna be sick.
(End credits . . . reprise of main theme . . . UPN's ad for its next show which is
really stupid . . .)
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