Note: This story is based on Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding. I reserve the right to change the plot and character relationships as I see fit. Please read & leave comments, haven't written fanfiction in a while but I'm starting to get back into it.
Chapter One: New Year's Resolutions
Hermione Granger sighed as she looked at the list in front of her. She had set herself a mighty task, but she was a determined young witch who had resolved to make a change – and she would do her damned hardest to stick to her resolutions in order to make sure that this year was her best yet…
I WILL NOT
Drink more than fourteen units of alcohol a week.
Smoke.
Waste money on: pasta-makers, ice-cream makers or other culinary devices which will never use, exotic underwear since pointless as have no boyfriend.
Behave sluttishly around the house, but instead imagine others are watching.
Spend more than earn.
Allow in-tray at Ministry to rage out of control.
Fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.
Get annoyed with Molly and Ginny.
Get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen.
Have crushes on men, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of character.
Bitch about anyone behind their backs, but be positive about everyone.
Obsess about boss, as pathetic to have a crush on superior in manner of Miss Moneypenny or similar.
Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend.
I WILL
Stop smoking.
Drink no more than fourteen alcohol units a week.
Reduce circumference of thighs by three inches (i.e. 1 ½ inches each) using anti-cellulite diet.
Purge flat of all extraneous matter.
Give all clothes which have not worn for two years or more to homeless.
Improve career and find new job with potential.
Save up money in form of savings. Poss start pension also.
Be more confident.
Be more assertive.
Make better use of time.
Give proportion of earnings to charity.
Be kinder and help others more.
Eat more pulses.
Get up straight away when wake up in mornings.
Put photographs in photograph albums.
Make up compilation 'mood' tapes so can have tapes ready with all favourite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc. tracks assembled instead of turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over floor.
Form functional relationship with responsible adult, not jealous children with red hair.