Credits: Original author is Dark_Obsidian (previously known as Реймен)
Translated from Russian to English
Translator's notes: I made a few changes mostly to make the fanfic more understandable and because the ending was kind of abrupt.
Roger Rottweiler stood on the balcony wearing his old, faded, leopard-printed shorts and smoking a cigar. On the table beside him lay a small silver chest, the lid of which was decorated with intricate raised pattern. The tobacco in the chest was of excellent quality! Because of those reasons it is expensive.
Every time Roger makes a strong puff, his shirt goes up and exposes the fat, hairy, saggy belly.
The sun was shining brightly but the weather was so hot that any surface under the sun was slowly turning into a heater. Having finished his cigar, the overweight man put it out and threw it in the ashtray. Then picked up the chest and headed to the kitchen so he could get something to eat. Of course, in the refrigerator there was only a loaf of bread, half a salami and a tiny stick of butter... nothing more and nothing less. Scratched his bald head, Roger emptied the refrigerator and began making a sandwich. The knife was lying on the table, just because the neighbour did not have to bother searching for it. Putting the bread on the table, he began to cut chunks of it. At that moment...The door opened on the first floor, and in his house there was a silent horror...It was in the shape of a young man named Woody Trickster!
"Oh, please. Let me give you a 'happy birthday' neighbour..." he whispered as if talking to him, there was an evil gleam in his blue eyes.
Approaching the mirror which was placed in the corridor, he fixed his hair a bit, and then smiled to himself
'I'm just gorgeous!' he thought that for a moment.
However there was no time to lose. He opened the drawer which was under the mirror, Woody finds a can of shaving foam.
'Right! This will come in handy! I already used this as a whipped cream before, but whatever!' Woody took it with him, then he went into the living room.
On the second floor, the prankster stumbled upon Mort - the sleeping mutt, laying by the door. He headed to the kitchen door tiptoeing, and looked through the keyhole. Roger was sitting at the table while gobbling sandwiches, one after another.
'Just to fill up his already fat belly!' Woody thought, sighing heavily and taking his eyes away from the door.
When he looked again in the keyhole, he saw that the hairy bellied neighbour was closer to the door. Frightened, he staggered away from the door. Woody crept to the door leading to the bedroom and opened it. At the very moment, when both of his hands were on the bedroom floor, Roger went to the living room. His dog Mort woke up and began to bark.
"Shut up, you stupid dog!" shouted the neighbour and kicked the poor animal in the stomach.
Mort whined loudly and lowered its muzzle, looking innocent. However, at the same time its eyes were showing fierce hatred to its owner. But it could not attack him otherwise things would end badly...really badly.
This is the first time Woody ever felt sorry for the dog, he thought to himself "My neighbour is such a knacker!"
Could the prankster do something against the cruel fatso's tyranny?
The neighbour (from Hell) went to the bedroom, so therefore Woody has been forced to leave to the balcony and hide behind the lounge chairs, which were folded in the left corner of the balcony, right under the bees nest. Roger walked into the bedroom, sat on his bed and put his greasy pants on his fat thighs with great difficulty.
Woody, who knew his neighbour not for one year asked himself 'And why he didn't thought about dieting?'
Though the answer was very obvious - Roger was too stupid and lazy to do anything about it. Minutes later, the neighbour was dressed and headed down. Along the way he once again yelled at the dog, ordering him to guard the house against uninvited guests. After this, he went down to the first floor and went out. And of course, Woody already planning vengeance. Quietly making his way past the sleeping Mort, the mischievous man glanced at the recipe for shortcrust cake with blueberry jam.
"For the dough: add 300 grams of margarine!" Woody read aloud the recipe for the dough, then he pulled a pen out of his pocket and "corrected" 300 to 800, by overwriting the digit 3 to 8.
He wished he would spoil it. Then he went to the storage area - there his neighbour stored firecrackers and other nonsense. Opening the door of the storage area, which was located in the basement, Woody picked up a firecracker which had a long bickford fuse, and cut most of it with the help of a sharply ground knife he found lying around. Now the firecracker's fuse was even with a candle's string. Having burst out into insane laughter, the prankster went to kitchen and put the firecracker in a box with candles. This mischief was done before, but it was too classical for him to not repeat it at least once.
Meanwhile, Roger returns from the store. Laying out the products on the table, he began to prepare refined masterpieces of culinary art. Then the doorbell rang. He muttered something to himself and went to open. When he opened the door, before him stood his mother Georgina.
"Son, happy jubilee to you!" the elderly woman was unusually nice enough to hug her son and kiss him on the cheek "Glad to see you alive and well!"
'I'm just as glad!' thought Roger.
Georgina put her handbag on the chest of drawers and walked to the kitchen. Apparently, she wanted to help her incompetent son cook something worthwhile. Woody's star hour has arrived. Fortunately, by that time she has withdrawn to the kitchen. Having gone down on the first floor, Woody opened the handbag and he pulled out a mascara and a nail file from there. With the help of the mascara, he drew a portrait of Georgina on his neighbour's wallpaper (the most usual fright for plausibility is that even a canine tooth was added to it), and using the nail file he opened the mail box, that was filled to the top with Roger's old unwashed shorts. Hardly opening it, the lad decides to buy himself some time by distracting the boor and the old battle-axe from the culinary matter. For this purpose, he went out and threw a stone at Roger's car. As soon as the alarm is activated, the young man hid behind the nearest tree and stood motionless. Roger ran to the street, angry like a rhino. He tried to find whoever turned his house and car into such a chaos. Woody sneaks back inside and Georgina was already distracted, because of the knowingly dropped handbag from the chest of drawers.
"Oh, what's this?" grumbled the old woman, going downstairs. She saw the vial of mascara rolling on the floor, and of course - her own grotesque portrait. It made her flew into rage.
As soon as her 50 year old son returned from the street, without having found any hooligans, Georgina grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and with full force she spanked him like a misbehaved child. The first dirty trick was filmed by means of the team's TV studio. The audience were definitely surprised from today's antics which were done by their beloved host Woody! Because the first one caused a storm of laughter!
While Georgina was dealing with her son, Woody replaced some ingredients. The whipped cream was replaced with shaving foam, mayonnaise appeared to be a substitute for cream, serving as a spread for the cake layers. Also the same way with salt and sugar - both powders were switched. The list does not make sense...simply said the culinary masterpiece of his neighbour was turned into a culinary nightmare. When Roger and his mother returned to the kitchen, they set out the layers. Georgina scooped a tablespoon of mayonnaise and began to spread on the sweet pastry layers with this viscous substance.
"Listen, go make me some tea with lots of sugar!" she told him.
The fat man got a cup from the shelf and poured some boiled water in it with tea leaves, afterwards he put two teaspoons of sugar there - which was actually salt. Woody was standing behind the door and observing it all. He barely restrained himself from laughing. Now she will drink the tea and...
Georgina stopped for a moment, put the spoon aside and took a sip of the hot tea. Even the first several drops nearly made her throw up. The taste was that disgusting. She became red with fury, battle-axe punched her son between the eyes. Woody almost chuckled. His second joke was even more successful, than the first one. Georgina's all-consuming rage faded, and continued to grease the layers.
"Why're you standing there? You think you're a statue or something?! At least make a salad! Cut some vegetables, some ham and splash a little vinegar, you loafer!" she ordered fiercely whilst spreading mayonnaise on the next layer.
Roger took a bottle labelled "vinegar", wherein in his opinion there was a 15% fluid of acetic acid, but in reality it was... No, it would be unbelievable! It was a Russian cologne threefold!
Woody decided to finish the job! Meantime, the doorbell rang. It was Olga - the woman who Roger was in love with, but the affection was not returned.
"Hi Olga!" Georgina greeted her "Long time no see! How's little Timmy?" with those words she pinched the 9 year old boy's cheeks.
"Get away from me, you old mare..." Timmy mumbled, turning away.
"You let your boy be like that? There should've been a childhood spanking, and not a word out of him! And you... You cared and cherished him! Knock it off! Or else he'll grow up to be like the next Tin Man...Just like my son!" she lectured her.
At that exact moment, Roger almost spilled the remains of the "vinegar" on the floor.
"Georgina, he's my son! That's how I raise him!" replied the lady rolling her eyes "Come on, deary! We'll ask Mr. Rottweiler to turn on the TV to some cartoons!"
Roger put the bottle of cologne in place and went to the living room to rummage through video tapes of animated movies. He found the perfect one - it was the animated movie "Monsters Inc." The boy liked the movie from the first minutes of watching, and after awhile he was already completely absorbed. Olga started helping Georgina and to prepare the fat neighbour's culinary...ahem..."masterpiece". Meanwhile, Woody went down to the first floor again and began to rummage in Olga's handbag. There was a box with a mobile phone - it was probably Olga's gift for Roger. He smiled insidiously and let out a malicious giggle, Woody broke the phone screen, then puts everything back. In addition, he had a jar full of bugs, slugs and centipedes. All of these creatures were poured in Georgina's handbag - he wanted to mega-prank the neighbour's mommy. Olga was not involved. Having finished with the first floor, Woody went to the living room. There he unwrapped the duct tape from the chair's legs, Timmy was sitting on the same chair right now. Afterwards, the prankster went back down to the first floor to hide in the wardrobe. Sometime later, a big crash was heard, followed by the boy's weeping.
'I'm really sorry about this, kid...' he felt guilty when those cries reached to his ears.
There was also Olga's furious hollering, and then...the sounds of beating the living crud out of Roger. Ouch!
The birthday party was so ruined, that it could not be worse than it already is, however there was something that could possibly make it even worse. Namely - the salad. When Roger spread out salad on plates, no one could imagine that it will be repugnant on taste. Georgina decided to be the first to try her son's salad. Having taken the spoon, she scooped a handful of lettuce and send it to her mouth, but she spat it out immediately.
"It feels like eating markers!" she grumbled "And it tastes like real cologne! Do you want my death, you reptile?!"
She stood up and spanked her son again on the spot where there is never any sunlight. The salad has not fully ruined the day. The pastry will do that "job"! He took out the cake consisting of mayonnaise spread layers and the firecracker which was about to be lit. Sparks extensively flew from the cord. It quickly burned. The bang smeared the table and the pieces were hurled across the room, each of them went on the wall or other object. Only a few large pieces remained intact. The fat neighbour picked up these five slices from the floor, and shook them off from the dust and he treated each of the guests - including little Timmy who he hates so much. At this moment the fiasco of Roger Rottweiler was found! Once the boy sank his teeth into the soft surface of the slice, his face became green. It was obvious why! He was trying to eat the mayonnaise-soaked cake! Olga was very angry at Roger, and therefore she punched him in the face.
"Rodge, now I'll give you the birthday gift!" Georgina went downstairs and started to search in her handbag.
Literally after a few seconds later, Woody (and everyone else as well) heard her heart-rending screams. When Olga and Roger went to the first floor, they saw one of the grossest sights ever - from the bag, spiders and a huge centipede crept out. The hideousness of the multi-legged creature made Olga nearly faint, whilst Georgina was still shrieking. Roger got some tweezers from the nearby chest of drawers and started pulling out all the things from there. Olga who recovered after from what she has seen, she gets the mobile phone from her bag and holds it out to Roger.
"This is my gift for you!" she said.
He took the box and opened it. There it was inside - with the cracked screen.
"Have you lost your marbles, grandma?! You can't give a broken present to a man!" the neighbour was enraged.
Nobody wants to hear anything like that from anyone...ever!
Olga did not hesitate to hit him in the stomach, and then Timmy spitefully kicked him between the legs. She leaves the house crying, the boy had to leave with her.
"You're a freaking swine, Rodge! I'll never visit you ever again!" Georgina took her handbag and walks out of her son's house.
The oaf was alone again...as always.
Roger was in the kitchen, quietly sobbing and drinking away his sorrows. Woody tiptoed his way pass the sleeping dog. When outside and he freed the contained hysterical laughter that was tormenting him.
Director Joe and the camera crew were nearby the house. They were still on air and on every episode Woody has to make a brief concluding speech to the audience.
"My neighbour is such a moron, isn't he folks? Seems like he'll never learn a thing! Which is why I pranked him once more...like a boss!" the young man felt like he was in Heaven "Anyway, I hope you laughed your butts off. So stay tuned for another episode of 'Neighbours from Hell'! Until then, I wish you luck reattaching them back or you won't have anything to sit with! Now if you would excuse me, but one of my friends is waiting for me. Bye-bye!"