I would like to dedicate this story to Akikofuma. In case you´ll want to ask where did this come from, read her story "From day 1" and you will understand the feelings behind this story. Thank you.
I have never wanted to live alone. I experienced so much loneliness when I was a child that I never want to be alone, not for a second. That´s why I wanted to get to a Starship, there are so many people who can´t simply run away from you because there is no way where to go. I was always so afraid everybody will run away from me that I had to become a Captain – there are always so many people on the Bridge. I was not ambitious or selfish to be a Captain. It was a need. I was always so broken, so fragile when it came to people. I tried to find somebody for me, but sleeping with every girl in my reach was probably not the best way. I just wanted people to like me, so desperately. I never let it slip on the surface, I never let anybody to see how unsure I am but I was never convinced I deserved somebody who would like me. I had such little confidence in myself that I sometimes wondered why was I born. There were times when it was bad and there were times when it was worse. I was hiding in a shell of arrogance, not letting anybody to get too close to me because I was afraid they would hurt me. I wasn´t prepared to let anybody in, I was too worried I would be left alone and hurt. I only needed time to believe there was a possibility I might be worth people´s attention.
It was really difficult to get through puberty. That stage of human´s life is pretty tough even without character problems and disorders. I should have seen some psychologist, but I was paranoid. I feared he would use it against me, threaten me or tell somebody. The worst thing I could think of was him walking into our class and pointing his finger at me, saying that I was a damaged goods, broken, useless piece of shit. Even without that, I was bullied because I was a smart kid and strong children usually don´t like smart children. Every day, I ran away from school, the schoolbag hitting my back painfully, but I didn´t care. I just tried to get away before anybody could see I was crying. I was trying so desperately to fit in, to be nice. But the more I tried, the more I was pushed away.
By the time I started Starfleet training, I was a hopeless wreck with no future, stuck in depressions and spending nights in bars, flirting with girls I didn´t like, drinking alcohol I didn´t like and fighting morons who reminded me of my school years. When Chris Pike took me from the hell in there, I was already balancing on the edge of a cliff, with more probability of falling down than stepping back. With the Starfleet training, my life got sense, at least a bit. I had a timetable and had to make myself do something instead of blankly staring into a wall and drowning in depressions. I was studying hard. I wanted to be the best, I wanted to achieve something, to make people know I was James Tiberius Kirk and I was proud of it. I didn´t believe it myself, but I wanted people to think I did.
With months passing by, I learned to respect myself. I was still very unsure, but I believed one day I might be able to say I was happy to be who I was. I still had breakdowns, it wasn´t rare for me to have panic attacks, silently weep into the pillow for whole night, stare into a wall for long hours, dreaming of a better world. It didn´t disappear, it only became less common. And there I was, almost done with studying, getting girls with much more decent manors and longer skirts, going to a bar with friends, not ending in a fight every time. I graduated and was about to get on a Starship. My first mission. Chance to get a better life. Chance to start once more.
It didn´t go as I wanted to, but after all, I found myself in a situation I almost didn´t believe would actually happen – I found a friend, somebody who cared for me, who would put his life in danger for me, somebody who understood me. It was a long and painful way because we were very different. There was just so many misunderstadings, so many obstacles and the path was narrow, steep and full of rocks that tried to slip under us, but the more I value the end. I had never met anybody who would be as different as he is before. We are so different and yet we work perfectly, because we are just two sides of one coin. I grew to trust him, to like him and finally to open up to him. He was the first one and probably the only one to really see who I am and who I was. I let him see all the troubles I had, I let him understand, I let him make me feel better. Because he wanted me to feel better.
We were friends for years, working side by side and being happy with that. However, as time passed by, it began to not be enough. I felt more towards him, I wanted to give him my whole heart, I felt I could give him anything and yet he wouldn´t hurt me. I have never loved anybody as much as I loved him, and my love is not fading away, it´s getting more and more strong and yet pure and innocent. It´s no longer an infatuation of youth, it is a deep, mature emotion for somebody I have kept most dear. Because he is my everything and he shall always stay the only one in my heart. He got there and he will never be allowed to leave unless something will open it and take him away. He will stay with me and I will always make sure I am staying with him. Even when we part, he will be mine and I shall be his.
„You done, Jim? Damnit, I know it´s your wedding, but you´re not an actual bride to have to prepare for so long." I smile for myself as I close a thick diary that became my best friend throughout the years. It´s not necessary anymore. This chapter is behind me and now I am not turning a new page, I´m starting a new book. And I am not afraid. For the first time in my life, I am not afraid, because I know he will never let me fear. Because he will always be there for me.
„Be there in a minute, Bones, just give me some space. I am a bride after all, I have to be the last one to come." I run fingers through my hair, just to make sure I am ready. Ready to start the new chapter, ready for adventure.
„Yeah. And I was stupid enough to volunteer to drive you there." I open the door and smile at my oldest friend. I think I saw pride in his eyes, before he got to become grumpy again.
„What do I look like?" I ask and twirl in front of him, being girlish and not caring about it at all.
„Wonderful. But I am sure he would love you even if you didn´t have any body. Come on, he must be very nervous, we are late for like 0.0035 minutes right now. Get your ass into the car, you can admire yourself in there." I obey and he drives to the Starfleet headquarters. We both agreed to have our human wedding in here because this is the place where we met.
There are crowds of people and everybody stares at me. They are giving me different looks, but I don´t care about them, I don´t see them. I am searching for the only one person, for my love, the one my life stops and turns for. For his beautiful face, for his amazing mind. And there he is. Beautiful and proud as usual, standing with his back straight and a strict look, but when I look carefully, with a pure love in eyes.
My heart skips a beat when I realise this is not a dream. It is really happening. I walk towards him and feel everybody´s eyes on me, but I don´t care. I just can´t care with him in front of me, waiting to become mine and claim me in once. I just can´t care for anything because he is here and he loves me. He´s here because of me, because he loves me. I reach him and want to take his hand but realise it´s not allowed. I let my hand fall to my hip sadly and he smiles at me, his eyes promising: later.
I don´t hear anything through my swirling head. Somehow I manage to catch his „I do." His velvet voice, his lovely voice that whispered so many beautiful things into my ears, his great accent, everything overwhelmed me as I cry „I do," because I feel I may not be able to speak anymore. Not with this beautiful man by my side. He just turns to me, simply takes me into an embrace and kisses me how he never kissed me before. Or maybe it´s just the feeling of being his. I feel infinite happiness as I look into his eyes, shining with tears of joy.
„I love you," I whisper silently so only he can hear me.
„And I love you, T´hy´la," He says back and I hide myself in his strong arms, refusing to ever let him go. I will no longer be alone. Finally I undestand why I had to suffer so much before. If I didn´t I wouldn´t value him so much and I wouldn´t understand how important he is to me. That it doesn´t matter we´re from different planets. Love is infinite and it makes no diference who you are, because everybody has the same right to be happy.
„I just love you so much, Spock."
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Live long and prosper.