Alice Takes a Walk

by Nikki Little

Eyelids were growing heavy at the Gnome Bar, and I could sense that last call was coming up. The air was a bit cool even for Wonderland, but no one was cold. The fire crackling in the stone fireplace in the center of all the metal lawn chairs that had long ago replaced the cut-off tree stumps as seats gave a cozy air. I was not ready for the night to end. It was time for the greatest storyteller in Wonderland, yours truly, to reach into his bag of tales. No pun intended.

I jumped up on the Gnome Bar counter, a health code violation in the persnickety world above, and asked the last few gnomes in attendance if they were in the mood for one of my late-night tales. Instantly the heavy eyelids all popped open. Oh, yes, they were definitely in the mood. Life in Wonderland had gotten rather boring since Hatter had married Lindsay Lohan. No more bimbo eruptions. Lindsay turned out to be remarkably devoid of entertainment value when she was drunk. Anyway, on with the tale. I curled up on the counter and began.

"It was sometime late in Obama's second term that Alice decided to take a walk in the downtown business district of Chicago after leading a homeless encampment on a middle-of-the-night grocery store ransacking. That was back in Alice's 'Princess of Thieves' days - back when there was still a semblance of order and quasi-civilization in the world uptop. Alice had brought along a change of clothes and a blond wig in a large, trendy handbag - the women of the affluent classes in those days were obsessed with ridiculously expensive handbags - so that she could do some anonymous wandering around after the grocery store ransacking was over. Now some of you might not believe it, but Alice looked pretty good in a blond wig. A bit of a Marilyn Monroe vibe going on. Anyway, she was walking down the main drag of the Chicago business district looking at all the skyscrapers when a brand new Audi pulled up alongside her. The driver rolled his window down and tried to bargain with Alice. Alice herself has said that she just gave the driver a dirty look and told him to go home to his wife."

I gestured to the rapt bartender and he brought me another glass of iced black tea with a catnip garnish. Yes, the Gnome bartenders kept a few ingredients behind the counter just for me. I continued with my tale.

"The driver was intrigued by Alice's indifference as he was convinced that Alice was a call-girl who lived in a nearby luxury apartment complex. He offered Alice ten thousand dollars for one hour. Now Alice is no dummy. She knew that ten thousand dollars was pocket change to this obvious one-percenter. Alice told him that he couldn't afford her if he wanted to bargain. It was at this point that Alice's eager pursuer offered to take her back to his work apartment. Alice gave him a harsh look and said that she had a clientele list of three and that her fee was six figures in cash. The driver said he had that much in a wall safe in his apartment and opened the passenger door for Alice."

"You might be wondering where the cops were at this point, with such an obvious case of soliciting going on. It seems that the cops didn't bother people who were as obviously affluent as this driver and Alice with her expensive-looking handbag and flashy white dress. For the one-percenters, law enforcement was decidedly different. Well, Alice did say that there were no cop cars around at that point. The entire exchange was, no doubt, recorded by a number of security cameras in the area, some public and some private. The driver of the Audi obviously was unconcerned."

I took a few sips of my iced black tea, and munched the catnip sprig. The day was nearly ended for the gnomes at the bar, but for me, the night had barely begun.

"Alice got into the Audi on the passenger side, and the driver, tickled at having made a successful bargain, sped away to his work apartment which was only two minutes away. He parked his Audi in a very expensive parking garage that had armed security guards everywhere, and then led Alice to his apartment building. He checked Alice in as a 'guest' at the security desk. Alice said that the guard at the desk looked her up and down and mentally undressed her."

I gestured to the gnome bartender and asked for a virgin mint julep. I try to avoid alcohol. I leave the alcohol for the gnomes and humans. The bartender already had the lemon syrup prepared and stored in the refrigerator, so he was quick with my drink. He also gave me a small plate with a few sprigs of catnip.

"The Audi driver bounded up the stairs to his second floor apartment and unlocked two deadbolts on the ornate solid metal door, and then waived his wrist in front of the lock to unlock the third deadbolt. After entering, the Audi driver shoved the door securely shut, turned the deadbolts for two of the locks, and waived his wrist in front of an electronic scanner to close the third deadbolt. Alice suddenly realized that that third deadbolt with the electronic device had her locked in. She didn't say a word."

"The apartment itself was quite luxurious with a gleaming kitchen full of stainless steel, a small dining room with an antique mahogany dining table for two, a living room with an enormous wall-mounted flat panel TV as its centerpiece, a small study with an expensive macbook pro lying on a desk, and the bedroom. The bed was obviously the most expensive thing in an already luxuriously appointed apartment. Antique wood, a canopy, and heavy sheets with a bedspread that looked like something out of a renaissance painting. There were curtains that you could draw around the bed."

"The Audi driver pointed to the bed, and began stripping as he indicated for Alice to do the same. Alice cleared her throat and informed the Audi driver that she got paid in advance. The Audi driver invited Alice to leave if she didn't like the terms. Of course Alice didn't have the embedded wrist chip to unlock the electronic third deadbolt. The Audi driver stood there smirking at her. Alice walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. The bedroom door had no lock on it, Alice noticed. Alice wondered how many prostitutes this guy had lured to his apartment and stiffed. Alice admitted that she was kind of wishing that she was a vice cop at this point."

"The naked-except-for-his-socks Audi driver threw open the lockless door to his bedroom and immediately froze. He was greeted by a completely nude except for socks Queen of Hearts. Yes, Alice had rage potion with her and took one of the two doses right in the eyes. Alice looked straight at him with her forked tongue hanging out and dropped a steaming load of partially coagulated menstrual blood on the floor. Like barfed-up Campbell's Chunky Beef Soup. The Audi driver instantly wilted and peed down his leg, went straight for his door - still peeing, twisted the two conventional deadbolt locks - still peeing, waived his wrist in front of the scanner - still peeing, ran down the stairway - still peeing, sprinted past the startled security guard - still peeing, and ran straight down the street peeing all the way and screaming that he had just seen the Devil. Damn, it's amazing how much pee a one-percenter can hold."

I had just finished my virgin mint julep and asked for another iced black tea with catnip garnish. Telling Alice stories makes me thirsty.

"The security guard called the police who picked up the babbling streaker and promptly took him to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Fortunately he had health insurance. According to all the tabloids, he spent the rest of his relatively short life in the Longview State Hospital for the Mentally Incapacitated, babbling that he had seen the Devil. Just for kicks, Alice visited him once a year or so - wearing a white dress and blond wig."

The gnome bartender shouted last call for alcohol, and everybody had one last shot of brandy. Then it was time to stagger home and off to bed to angry gnome wives. Yeah, I guess life in Wonderland does get sort of boring for the gnomes. Same old, same old every day. For me, though, the night was just beginning, and Wonderland Woods always held the possibility of a nighttime rendez-vous in the Mushroom Patch when I would get the chance to curl more than my tail.

The End

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Version 3