Under the Bridge, a 24 fanfic

Jack stares at the television as the music plays on the screen. He pushes the plate away, sits back and looks blindly round the drab apartment.

His head is filling with everything. China. Fayed. Assad. Curtis. The bomb. Audrey.

His heart pounds and he focuses on breathing.

In. Out. In. Out.

'Slow it down.'

In. Out. In... Out...

'That's better.'

In...Out...In...Out...

'I can at least think now.'

In...Out...In...Out...

'Although would it be easier not to think? Probably.'

Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

'Audrey. It's all my fault. She went looking for me. Heller's right. I'm cursed. I should have stopped it. Saved her. How could I? I was in prison. Heller holds me responsible. I am. It stands to reason. If she hadn't been involved with me, then it wouldn't have happened. Audrey would have been safe. Is Heller right? Probably.'

'Should I have walked away? Yes. It's what Heller wanted. I owed him that much after what had been done to his daughter. It was the right thing to do. Do I owe him? He didn't try to get me out of China. It would have been selfish to keep her close. She needs help. Proper help. I'm in no fit state to give that to her. But I should have tried at least. I owe her that much. I could help her. Probably.

I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie

'I should have stopped the bomb. I stopped the others. I did what I could. It wasn't enough. How many people died because I failed to stop it? How many? Valencia will never be the same. I'm the same blood as Graem. He went too far and I killed him. If Graem hadn't been my brother maybe I could have stopped the bomb. No. Graem didn't want the bomb to go off any more than I did. Graem wasn't truly evil was he? He sent me to China. My own brother. He must have thought he had a good reason. My brother. We played together when we were kids. Graem used to share his Oreos with me. He must have had some good in him somewhere. Probably.

'Graem's dead and I'm alive.'

'That's a surprise. I didn't think I'd ever get out of China. I was certain I would die there. One way or another. Cheng had told me too many times that my country had abandoned me. I'd begun to believe it. And I wanted to die so many times while I was there.

'Just so the pain would stop.'

'But my heart hadn't let me. Wouldn't stop beating. Had resolutely refused to give me peace. So in the end I'd given in to it.

'Surrendered to it. Wanting to die would have been giving in to Cheng and I wouldn't surrender to Cheng.'

'I refused to do that. It would be dying for nothing. Had Cheng been telling the truth when he'd told me I'd been abandoned? Probably.'

'Then I was rescued. Not that it was really a rescue. It was a trade. They'd wanted me.'

'No, they hadn't wanted me. They left me there while it suited them.'

'Why does it matter? I know how it works. After all, I'm expendable. I know that.'

'They'd needed me. Needed me so they could negotiate with a terrorist.'

'The Government doesn't negotiate with terrorists. Ever. Well I always knew that was a lie.'

'They had to do what was necessary.'

'I can understand that sure enough. I'm just glad they had been willing to bring me back to hand me over. So I could at least die for something. Just like I told Bill, I was so relieved. I understood what was expected. So pathetically grateful.'

Jack's head drooped and his eyes stared at the scarred surface of the old wooden table. 'I was so desperate, dying for a reason had been all I could think about.'

'Dying for something and dying on home soil. More than I could ever have hoped for. And then Fayed had told me I would die for nothing.'

And I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
And I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

'That was the turning point. That my last ever wish was being denied me. I refused to die for nothing. So I fought to survive. Was it worth it? Would death have been better? Probably.'

'Cheng. I escaped Cheng's grasp. Cheng has lost by default. I never talked. I've actually won.'

'If this could be called winning. Cheng's now the prisoner. Cheng told Bill at the handover. He would have told them too. They'll know I never spoke. Not one word. Whatever Cheng did to me. Not one word.'

'Nobody can accuse me of being a traitor, even if my family has betrayed everything I stand for. I showed compassion when I left Dad to die a painless death. Why did I do that? Was that the right thing to do? Probably.'

'Graem is dead. How did that happen? Was it me? Or was it our father? I'll probably never know. Not really. I'll never be really sure. The guilt will always be there. Lurking. Should I feel guilt? I killed my brother. Probably.'

'When did it all go wrong? Is it my fault? I left to join the army. Wanted to strike out on my own. Should I have stayed? Done what my father asked of me all those years ago? No. I can't be held responsible for what my father and brother have done. Can I?'

'No. Don't think that. Bury it. Forget it. Don't think about it. Would things have been different if I'd stayed? Probably.'

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love the city, she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry.

'Kim.'

'I can't blame her. I can't forgive myself for what she's had to go through. Because of me. I understand her anger. I'm angry too sweetheart. Not at you. At myself.'

'To hold Kim and hear her voice. There's nothing else I want more. It's been over three years since I last held her, properly talked to her. I'll respect her wishes. It's the least I can do. Will she hate me forever? Probably.'

'Curtis is dead. I looked him in the eye and killed him. How could I have done that? How can I justify doing that? I can't. He was my friend.'

'I failed Curtis. I tried to explain. Tried to make Curtis understand that I couldn't let him do it.'

'Couldn't take the chance. Would Curtis have listened? Would Curtis have gone through with it? Probably.'

'Assad told me I'd remember. I'd thought I could see it in that man's eyes. And all I'd seen was a reflection of my own pain.'

'Pain. Too much pain.'

'I won't ever be able to forget. Will I ever be able to come back from this? Is there something I can do to blot it out? Probably.'

Under the bridge downtown is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown I gave my life away
Yeah, yeah, yeah

'There's too many thoughts. I can't process them all. I'm too tired. Emotionally and physically.'

Jack's shoulders sagged and he subconsciously rubbed the back of his scarred hand.

'I need to sleep.'

'I'm not sure I can face trying to go to sleep again. Will the nightmares come? Probably.'

'There's too many thoughts. I can't process them all. I need to make them all go away. How can I make them go away? Heroin made them all go away. I could fix right now. If there was heroin in front of me, would I take it? Probably.'

'That feeling of nothingness. That feeling that everything is okay.'

'I've missed it. I want it back again. I could go and get some. No. That's not the answer. I'd given up on life when I did that.'

'I was prepared to give it away, just to stop the pain. Did I value my life enough back then? China cost me too much to not give my life a value. I still know where I could score a hit. Probably.'

'Even if my old dealer isn't there, I could find another. I could drive there. I don't have any money. Or a car. Would CTU give me both if I asked? Probably.'

'No. Don't give into it. I was hurting back then. Was that wrong? Probably.'

'Teri's death. That's what made me go there. China is over. Missing Teri will never be over. But I can learn to live with both of them. Probably.'

'Should I just stop thinking? I can partition things off inside my head. Leave them there. I need to eat. I know that much.'

'If I carry on thinking, will it help? Probably not.'

The music has subconsciously taken his mind in a direction he doesn't want it to go. He stands up stiffly, his joints aching from the last twenty months of abuse and yesterday's events. Ignoring the pain, he walks over to change the channel on the decrepit television set. It's the news, reporting on the bomb in Valencia. He turns away, sits back at the table and lets out an unhappy sigh. He pulls the plate towards him and picks up his fork. Food is at least a distraction.

'Will I be able to keep it down? Probably not.'

The news anchor overlays the shocking image of the mushroom cloud, "The nation continues to mourn as casualty estimates climb in Valencia where a nuclear device was detonated 35 hours ago. At this time the extent of the devastation is still not known. HazMat teams are going into the area, doing their best for the injured but as you can imagine this is an enormous job and it will… "

Are those footsteps going to walk on past? Probably not.

He stands up, and moves to the door, his back defensively hugging the wall. The fear of approaching footsteps that was embedded into his psyche in China is still there.

'I'm not in China anymore. Are they going to burst in here? Probably not.'

"Who is it?"

"Agents from District."

"What do you want?"

"We just want to talk to you."

'Do they really just want to talk? Probably not.'