DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No
infringement intended.
FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!
SUMMARY: Set after For Warrick, when the screen went black.
SPOILERS: 9x01 For Warrick
AUTHORS' NOTES: I managed to watch this episode online and it just blew me away. I actually wrote this before the premier aired and it's based on the snippet of a spoiler we had for Warrick's funeral.
Thanks as always to Mossley and Mingsmommy, and to my friend Karen, who is my partner in crime and my voice of reason.
I haven't forgotten 'When all is said and done.' I'll be working on the next chapter soon. Thank you for the overwhelming support, it means a lot.
One For Sorrow
Grissom could feel his throat burning as he tried to focus on the words that he wanted to say. He knew that he was fighting to keep the tears that stung his eyes at bay; he'd never shown his weakness to anyone but Sara. Taking a deep breath he lifted one of his hands to his mouth, trying to hide his trembling lips. He couldn't break down, not here.
All around the small church he could hear the sniffles of other people who allowed their grief to pour out of them, and for a moment he envied each and every one of them. He forced himself to calm down before trying to speak again, but his words tangled in his throat.
"Warrick…" his voice faltered again and he tried to remember the words that he'd recited over and over in his head so many times today. His mind suddenly blanked and his grief scorched his voice as he finally managed to utter a strangled, "I'm going to miss him so much..."
The first tear burned a path down his cheek, terrifying him as he fought to keep in control. He closed his eyes and quickly wiped the evidence of his sorrow away, praying that no one could see him crumbling. He couldn't allow himself to be seen like this, not after everyone looked to him to be the one who was well renowned for holding himself together…and breaking apart before their very eyes was something that he could never let happen.
A warm hand suddenly closed around his and his eyes sprung open to see her standing beside him, her eyes wet with unshed tears.
"Sara…" his voice choked as she took a step closer and wrapped her arms around him.
"It's okay," she whispered, pulling him closer so that he could bury his face into her shoulder. Her own voice trembled as she held him. "It's okay to let go, baby…Warrick wouldn't want you to be strong for him…"
Her words caused the tears he'd been fighting to suddenly burst free. He felt weak and more vulnerable than he'd ever felt before in his life, but when she slipped a hand into his hair he suddenly felt his walls breaking down. His whole body shook against her as she pulled him closer, holding him in her protective embrace.
Every other sound around him died away until he could only hear his own quiet sobs. He couldn't do anything but cling to her as he cried, and feeling so utterly absorbed when she only drew him in tighter to her body. She allowed him the freedom to release his grief while hiding him at the same time.
He'd never let anyone see this side of him before and the sudden irrational fear hit him full force. How could he face everyone when he'd had no idea how long he had been crying? What would they all think of him now? He felt her fingers threading through his hair, and then her soft lips when they kissed his temple. He didn't want to ever leave the security of her arms but when he finally felt strong enough to lift his head, he found his eyes focussed only on the woman before him.
Sara's arms loosened around him as she slowly slid her hands up his back and shoulders, before tracing her fingers down his suit clad arms to clasp his hands in hers.
Her presence gave him the strength to believe that he could face the people around him once again. These were the same people who loved and missed Warrick just as much as he did, and as he allowed his eyes to tentatively flitter over their faces, he could see that they were in just as much pain as he was.
Sara squeezed his fingers, drawing his attention back to her as she silently asked if he was okay to carry on. He saw her eyes shine with tears again when he shook his head, indicating that he didn't think he would ever be ready.
Sara simply nodded and released one of his hands. She lifted her fingers to his face to wipe the wetness from his cheek, before turning to stand protectively in front of him to address the sea of sorrow filled faces. She clasped one of his hands in hers, hidden behind her back as she took a shaky breath.
"Warrick…was…my friend," her voice quivered slightly as she choked on her words. Her eyes drifted to Warrick's casket, and she cursed herself because she'd been avoiding it for the whole time she'd been sitting in the church. She'd thought that if she didn't look, then it wasn't real…that this was just some bittersweet dream that had both love and loss mixed into it.
Her eyes stung as she tore her eyes away from it and instead looked towards everyone who was silently watching her. She could see her own sorrow mirrored in their eyes, but when she saw Nick break down in tears, something inside her cracked and she had to forcefully swallow the lump in her throat.
"He was more than that…" her voice caught in her throat as she focussed on her friends, "he was…he…you…" she stopped and waved her free hand towards Catherine, Nick and Greg, "you're my family."
She felt Grissom's hand squeeze hers and she turned slightly to see that he had regained some of his composure. Stepping to the side, Sara kept a hold of his hand as he moved to stand beside her, taking strength from her presence. With a renewed self control he buried the sorrow and carried on in the only way he could.
Clearing his throat, he took a deep cleansing breath before his shaky voice spoke again.
"Warrick wasn't just a CSI…he was a good man…"
0000
Later, when the funeral was over, a small group had agreed to meet at Grissom and Sara's condo. Grissom hadn't been sure that he wanted company, but Sara's warm smile had changed his mind. She'd told him that it would be good for him and his team to talk about Warrick away from the funeral.
She had tried so hard to be the strong one. So far she was the only one who hadn't collapsed with grief when everyone around her had, but she was already beginning to lose the battle with her emotions.
Sara stood in the doorway of their bedroom to watch the man she loved as he perched on the edge of the bed. So many times she had swallowed the tears that ached to cleanse her, but she knew she couldn't break down, not while everyone needed someone to be level headed. She'd silently elected herself to be that person, even though it was getting more difficult to swallow her grief and stop herself from crying. After all, she had lost the right to grieve when she'd left Las Vegas.
"Babe, everyone will be here soon," she told him softly.
Grissom lifted his head to look upon her with haunted eyes. "I don't think I can do it…"
Stepping further into the room, Sara came to kneel down onto the floor before him and lifted up to wrap her arms around him.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," she whispered when she felt his arms wind around her, squeezing her against him. "I can call them and cancel—"
"No…" lifting his head he captured her watery eyes with his own. "I don't think I can let you go back…I can't stay in this city when you're not here…god, Sara…" his voice filtered away as he leant forward and buried his face into her shoulder.
She pulled him in closer and planted kisses into his hair, wondering how on earth she would ever be able to leave him again. "It'll be okay, Gil…we'll sort something out."
He mumbled something against her but she couldn't quite make out what he'd said, until he lifted his head to look at her.
Sara's heart ached for him. His face was streaked with tears, making him look more childlike than she'd ever seen him before. Reaching out with shaky fingers she wiped the beginnings of fresh tears away from his eyes before leaning forward to kiss his trembling lips.
A loud knock resounded through the condo, causing Hank to bark. Sara pulled back from Grissom's lips and drew him into her body, holding him tight.
"I need a minute," his words choked against her. "I can't let them see me like this."
"Baby, they love you," she told him gently as she leaned back to look up at him before placing a soft kiss on his forehead. "But you take as long as you need, okay."
"I'll be out in a minute," he told her in a trembled whisper as he reluctantly released her.
Sara held onto his hand for a few more moments, giving his fingers one final squeeze before she finally moved out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
"Hank, that's enough," she told their beloved dog when he continued to bark at the still closed door.
Moving him out of the way, she pulled open the door to see her friends all gathered in the hallway outside. Hank left his spot by her side to almost bend in half with excitement to see so many people, and scampered off to his bed to grasp his favourite chew toy in his mouth.
"Sorry guys," she greeted, hoping that they hadn't seen the sadness behind her smile. "Come on in."
She moved aside, ushering them all to come inside, but as the three men came through the open doorway Sara quickly found herself gathered in a warm embrace. It took only a few seconds for the shock to wear off before she hugged Catherine back, knowing that this was some sort of turning point in their previously rocky friendship.
"What you did for him today…Sara…I…" Catherine's voice died away as she slowly released her. "You were—"
"I love him," Sara told her when she extracted herself out of Catherine's arms only to offer an embarrassed shrug as she moved away to close the door.
"I know you do," Catherine told her softly, already feeling her eyes growing wet again. "How is he?"
Sara's gaze drifted over towards the closed bedroom door before turning back to the concerned eyes of her friend. "He'll be out soon, he just needs some time."
"Okay," Catherine nodded as she turned to follow Sara into the kitchen. "Can I help with anything?"
"Uh…yeah," Sara wasn't used to the attention. Catherine had never really made the effort before, but maybe it was way past time that a few things changed. "There's beers in the fridge, or I can make a pot of coffee…"
"Coffee sounds good," Greg spoke up as his eyes drifted around the room. He'd never been to Grissom's home before, but wherever he looked her could see hints of Sara everywhere.
Turning his eyes back towards the kitchen, he focussed on where Sara stood. He knew her well enough to know that she thought no one would notice that her face displayed everything she was trying to hide when the power of grief almost overwhelmed her. It caused his own pain to deepen when he saw how many times she'd come so close to losing the thin veil that stood between her fake smile, and the devastation that Warrick's death had caused. Deciding to offer her his support, he came into the kitchen to pull her into a brief hug, before releasing her just as quickly.
"Okay," Sara couldn't help but smile, even though it was only short lived. She looked over towards Nick and Brass who were both watching her silently and felt the guilt creeping up inside her chest. Were they still angry with her for leaving in the way she had? Other than the brief hug they'd shared in Grissom's office, Nicky hadn't spoken more than a few words to her since she came back.
And Brass…he'd held her so tight when he'd seen her and called her 'cookie'. Little did he know that that particular word would never be a sweet endearment any longer. How could she tell him that Warrick's last words to her took that away? She'd gone from being Jim's 'cookie' to Warrick's 'tough cookie', and she didn't have the heart to tell Jim to stop using it.
Swallowing hard, Sara turned away and pulled some mugs out of the cupboard to place them on the counter. She could feel her eyes burning with tears and the lump rising in her throat but she tried desperately to hold it back. When she reached out to pick up the coffee pot, she slammed it back down quickly when she realised that her hands were shaking.
Catherine watched her worriedly and was about to ask her if she was all right when the bedroom door suddenly opened, diverting all the unwelcome attention to a very dishevelled looking Gil Grissom as he came into the living room.
"Grissom," Nick greeted warmly as he moved forward to clasp the older man's hand. "You doing okay?"
"I'm fine," Grissom told him, even though he felt far from it. His whole body was numb and he was finding it difficult to think, but he offered a small smile in the hopes that it would placate the younger man.
Nick nodded and wiped the moisture from his eyes before turning his attention back to Sara who was still trying to hide her emotions from everyone in the room. He could see that she was visibly shaking and desperately trying to conceal it.
Catherine hovered by Sara's side, knowing that the younger woman was struggling to remain in control. Reaching out a hand to Sara's shoulder, she squeezed it gently before offering her a sad smile.
"Let me help you, Sara," she told her softly. "Why don't you go and sit down?"
Sara squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head quickly, hoping that everyone would just leave her alone. She would be fine if they just…left her.
She bowed her head as tears stung her eyes. She couldn't do this anymore. No matter how many times she swallowed the lump in her throat, it came back with more force than the time before. Her eyes seemed to keep filling before she could blink the tears away, until they broke free to drip down her cheeks and onto the coffee mugs. She tried to take a steadying breath but it only came out as a sob.
"Oh honey," Catherine soothed as she rubbed Sara's shoulder, wanting nothing more than to pull her into her arms, but she knew she wasn't the person that Sara needed right now.
Grissom turned away from Brass when he'd heard Catherine's soft words of comfort to the woman beside her. What he saw broke his heart. Since Sara had come back to him she had been his strength, never once faltering, but now…
Without hesitation he swiftly moved into the kitchen to pull her shaking body into his arms, letting her fall against him as she buried her head into his shoulder and sobbed helplessly.
"It'll be okay, honey," he whispered softly into her hair. "Shh, it's okay."
Catherine's own tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she turned away to walk into Nick's waiting arms. Greg didn't know what to do. He'd seen Sara convey so many levels of emotion, but never like this. He felt totally helpless and couldn't keep his own eyes from pooling. This shouldn't have happened, none of it. Sara shouldn't have left in the way she had and Warrick should still be here…it just wasn't right…
Moving over to the couch he sat down onto the cushions and stroked Hanks soft fur when he jumped up and laid his head in his lap.
After a few moments, Brass came to sit down on the couch and patted Hank's head.
"She'll be okay," he muttered softly, more to himself than to the younger man beside him. "She's tough…"
"Not so tough," Greg swallowed hard as he kept his eyes on Sara and Grissom who had still yet to break apart from one another.
"Hey guys," Nick's soft voice drew their attention away from the grieving couple. He guided Catherine to sit down onto the couch, placing her protectively between himself and Greg. No one really knew what to say, or if anything needed to be said at all. And for a long moment they were all content to bask in the silence until Greg spoke up.
"It's been a tough few months, huh?"
"Yeah," Brass huffed sadly. "You could say that."
"You think we'll ever get over this?" he asked honestly. "Because right now I don't think I ever will."
"I know that feeling," Catherine's voice sounded foreign to her own ears as she spoke. She didn't think she could ever feel right again, she'd already lost far too many people she loved. "I can't even focus on today…I don't even want to think about tomorrow."
"We'll get through this," Nick's voice caught in his throat. "Somehow, we'll get through."
"I don't know if I can," Catherine whispered as she lifted a finger to wipe away the fresh tears that stung her eyes. " I was doing okay until Sara…until she…"
"Hey, we all feel the same way, Cath," Nick told her softly. "She's held it together for all of us."
Greg nodded in agreement and looked back towards the kitchen, noticing that neither Grissom nor Sara was there. "Where'd they go?"
"Huh?" Nick asked in confusion before looking in the general direction to where Greg was pointing.
"Grissom and Sara…where'd they go?"
"She was pretty upset," Nick told him, even though he was curious himself.
"Guys," Brass told them gruffly, "they could both do with a little privacy right now." He'd seen Grissom lead her away to the bedroom out of the corner of his eye, and he wasn't about to let the other's know that. He was worried about everyone here, not just because they'd all lost their friend, but on what the impact of Warrick's loss would do to all of them.
"Yeah," Nick nodded as he wiped his own eyes. "This is tough on all of us."
"I bet Warrick is laughing at us right now," Greg mused as he absentmindedly stroked Hanks back. "He was never a guy that liked anyone fussing over him."
"Yeah, I bet," Nick's soft chuckle ended on a sob. "I'm sure gonna miss him."
"Me too," Brass nodded. "He was one of a kind."
Catherine wiped her eyes and reached out to both Greg and Nick, threading her fingers through theirs before she looked at all three men in turn. "I've never told you guys, but I really do care about all of you…I don't want to leave it till it's too late…Warrick never…" Catherine swallowed the lump in her throat. "He never knew."
"He did know, Cath," Nick told her reassuringly. "Warrick knew that we all loved him."
Just at that moment, Hank barked and jumped down off of the couch, scampering over towards the bedroom door as Grissom and Sara emerged.
"Hey baby," Sara's voice was rough with emotion when she spoke, but she took solace from the boxer as she patted his head. She hadn't meant to lose control and right at this moment she felt more of a failure for letting Grissom down. She was supposed to be comforting him, not the other way around.
She was dreading going back over to the group of people who she knew were watching her. She'd never felt so exposed in all of her life, but when Grissom tugged on her hand she couldn't do anything but follow.
Sara was unprepared for the surge of love that she felt from everyone in the room. Catherine leapt up from the couch and threw her arms around Grissom, pulling him in for a brief hug before moving to her.
"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly as she wrapped her arms around her.
Sara just smiled weakly and nodded when Catherine moved away.
"I'm sorry," Sara kept her voice low as she focussed on Catherine. "I never wanted any of you to see that."
"Honey, you don't have to apologize," Catherine soothed softly. "We're all going through a rough time right now…you just lasted longer than the rest of us."
"I feel like I let you all down…I let Warrick down…" a lone tear slipped down her cheek but she made no move to wipe it away. "I didn't even get to say goodbye…"
"Sara," Grissom slipped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him. "Don't do this to yourself…please honey…no more."
Sara's eyes filled with tears again when she looked up to meet his eyes. How could she do this to him? Hadn't he already been through enough? Nodding silently, she moved closer towards him and let him lead her to the other small sofa, where they both sat down.
They all sat in silence for a few moments when Catherine motioned for Greg to join her.
"How about we make that coffee?"
"Oh god," Sara gasped as her eyes darted to the kitchen. "I forgot, I'm sorry."
"I think we can handle it," Greg told her with a smile. "Don't worry about it."
"But—"
"Sara," Grissom told her, his voice hoarse. "You don't have to do everything, okay. You've been rushing around, taking care of things ever since you came home…just…stop now…please…"
Sara turned her haunted eyes onto the man she loved and saw how he was silently pleading with her to just be how she used to be. But how could she? There was still so much of her time away that she couldn't share with him, things that had led her to fall into bed and cry herself to sleep. But now wasn't the time to dredge up things that were not welcomed here.
As she looked up into his eyes now, she found herself reaching up to run her thumb across his bottom lip before letting her hand fall into her lap.
"We'll be okay," she told him softly as she leaned into his shoulder. "Won't we?"
"Yeah," he whispered gruffly as he snaked an arm around her shoulder to pull her closer to him. "I think we will be, yeah."
End