A/N: I honestly believed that I would never make another fanfic. But here I am, typing away on a bizarre one-shot, full of potential so I say, what the heck.
For anyone who has ever read anything by me before – I've went back and read through my old stories and noticed that when I upload, certain words or statements go through omitted. If any of that happens here and I don't catch it, alert me! It could prevent full understanding of what I was trying to convey.
So, anyways, enjoy.
Feeling Small
CAT'S POV:
"How come you never call me cute?"
"I tried once and you took scissors to my passenger seat!"
Beck and Jade are at it again. They broke up, got back together, and now a month and a half later they're back at square one.
This argument, however, is about me.
"Well maybe if you tried harder I wouldn't be so mad all the time!"
Earlier, the entire group drove to Tori's after school let out in order to work on acting out interpretations of some new script Beck created. As soon as he began to take control as director, things were getting messy.
Jade stood impatiently, crossing her arms next to Beck while he told us where to take places.
I made a big mistake after the rolls were placed and I thought he forgot me. "What about me, Beck? Where do I stand?"
His eyes showed remorse for forgetting about me, and then he scrambled to think what to do with me before it would seem too obvious he forgot.
"Cat, uhh, just walk around everyone without disturbing them and be your cute self."
I was about to shine in the mute spotlight, but Jade cut in.
Everyone else has blocked them out, sitting on the floor playing the card game "ichi" (one, in Japanese). I slid down the wall, covering my ears trying to find an out.
"I try hard every single day!"
"You didn't try very hard when you didn't open that door!"
I slink to the floor and crawl quietly to under the couch.
"I wanted to stop fighting with you, everyone's sick of it. Aren't you guys?"
He looks over at the group on the floor. None of them even move a muscle.
"ICHI!" I hear Robbie yell.
"No, Robbie, you can't use a purple five, it's got to be orange!" Rex yells at him.
"Awww, man."
"Hey, where's Cat?" Beck's voice is softer now, not so pointy and growly, but I don't want him and Jade to fight anymore.
"Who cares!" Jade snaps. Obviously she wasn't concerned. I was going to keep hiding out until they left, but I accidentally sneezed.
"Achoo!" I squeaked, and then realized what I did, scrunched up into a little ball, squeezed my eyes shut and covered my ears.
"Little red?" I hear through my hand earmuffs as Andre's head peaks underneath.
"Cat! What are you doing under there?" Beck, that's Beck now.
"I couldn't get underneath my own bed. This is safe too."
"No, you're going to hurt yourself under here, it's too small." I start to wriggle, the claustrophobia beginning to set in, "Come on, I'll slide you out." He slides his arm to where I am, beckoning me to grab his hand.
Slowly, I leave the small space.
"Why'd you do that, Cat?" He lets go of my hand and looks inquisitive.
"I'm sorry I made you guys fight." I mumble it. My cheeks are blazing red, matching the color of my hair perfectly.
"I-" Beck starts to say, Jade cuts him off. "What gives you the right to try and be the center of attention constantly? It's so annoying!"
My bright red cheeks fade to grey, along with all of the color from my face.
"Jade!" the screech from Tori has shock in its tone.
"What the hell?" He's furious, and I'm scared.
"Come on, Beck. She's just doing all of this for attention."
"No." There's ice in his tone, "you are."
She's caught way off guard on that one.
"You have no right to act this way… you're having tantrums just because I acknowledge other girls. I didn't want to put up with this before, and this can only get worse."
A whimper escapes my lips; Jade and Beck's eyes dart over to me.
"I want to go home." I say, my voice barely audible.
"I'll take you home."
Immediately, I'm shaking my head so fast I fear it might break from my neck.
"It's fine, Cat. I don't want to be here anymore either."
"Beck! DON'T YOU DARE!"
"Whatever, Jade." He gently takes my arm and guides us through the doorway, down the porch to his car in the drive.
I get into the car wordlessly, carefully watching him, as he stays focused on everything but me.
It's a solid three minutes before I hear, "Do you mind if I don't take you home? I just want to go someplace and clear my head, and I need to know someone's there with me so I won't go crazy. I promise you won't be home too late. If you don't want to go, that's okay too. I'll just drop you off."
What? Where is that coming from? My lips form a "yes, lets go" before they even reach my brain.
We sit in silence as Beck drives off. The sun is setting in the distance, and my eyes drift off to sleep.
\CBCBCBC/
I wake up to an odd sound; it's dark. And then I realize the situation, and rub my eyes to look at the surroundings.
"Beck?" The car is parked; he's not in the passenger seat. I start to silently panic, looking in the backseat and tentatively exiting the car.
Oh, we're at the shore.
Beck's sitting on a makeshift blanket, staring out into the waves, looking a million miles away.
"I got scared!" I say, awaking him from his distant trance.
The corners of his mouth turn up as he turns and sees me. "I'm sorry, Cat. You were sleeping and I didn't have the heart to wake you."
"What're we doing here?"
"You know, I'm sorry for earlier, for fighting with Jade. We end up going in circles all the time. It's whiplash sometimes."
"It's okay. I just got scared. I didn't have my bed to hide under this time."
A puzzled look arises on his face. He pats the blanket next to him for me to sit. Do I have to talk?
"You know, that's the second time you've referenced being under your bed."
"I had to hide, Beck." I aim to shrug it off, saying this casually.
"Why? Tell me, please."
I exhale heavily. I stare out into the waves lapping at the shoreline. I look up at the universe of stars.
"My brother has autism." I say, still not looking at Beck.
"Cat, there's tons of people with autism all over the world. I understand how difficult that probably is for you and your family, but what does it have to do with hiding?"
"It wasn't very often, and it stopped a few years ago, but before that… my dad used to go into rants when he was drunk, blame my mom for us. Luke's autism, my mental problems. I'd hide under the bed, listening to how much he didn't want us. How much trouble we were. She would scream back, saying that these are his children; he needs to love them unconditionally. He would use a lot of bad words. I had earmuffs, and even then I could still hear the muffled yells. Underneath my bed, I at least felt safe, almost as if those words couldn't reach me if I was under there." My cheeks are burning; my words are unsteady.
"But it stopped?"
I turn my head to look at him. "My dad apologizes to me every single day. He doesn't even touch alcohol anymore. Sometimes I have nightmares, but I trust that it won't ever happen again."
His knees are pushed to his chest. I let what I said sink in. We sit there in silence for a little longer. I know there's something processing up in his mind. I don't speak, giving him fair ability to mull over his thoughts and let them form words.
He keeps flexing his hands, open, closed. His shoulders are tensed, like he's carrying the weight of the world.
"I like being here. I like feeling so small in such a big world. The stars and the ocean, they have such a large role that I know there's more out there than this."
I take miniscule moments to move millimeters closer to Beck.
"It's prettier than anything I've ever known."
He smiles at me, opens his mouth to say something, stops, and then opens his mouth again.
"Thank you for coming with me, I needed to escape for a little." He sighs heavily, "Every time I try and quit being with Jade, I can't do it. I know how much it hurts her to be without me. She struggled so much to let her walls down for me that if I was ever done for good, I know they'd be built back up, higher than before. I know she needs me, it's like I'm her conscience sometimes. I help her with good and bad decisions.
But it's exhausting. I feel sometimes like I'm her father, like she's dependent on my every move. It's why she has panic attacks when I'm talking with other girls and checks up on me every two minutes." In the pause, I hear his phone loudly vibrate within his pocket. "She does and says certain things just so she can have all the attention on her, she knows exactly what buttons to push to bend and break me and takes complete advantage of them. She has me tied around her finger, suffocating me."
He sighs, moving his body to face me.
"Can you keep a secret?" His eyes are burning into mine, pleading.
"Of course." I murmur, not looking away.
"I think that I love her, but I'm not in love with her anymore."
I almost collapse at the weight of that statement.
"I know it's crazy. It's as if we're stuck in this spot where we aren't happy but we are too afraid to lose each other. Is that wrong? Is it supposed to stay this way? Am I supposed to be happy with us being content? Is this what it's like to be married? Like years together and this is what consistency is?"
I don't know what to say, how to console him, the right words that will make things better.
"I wish I knew what to tell you, Beck." I apologize whole-heartedly, shrugging, "I don't know what love is, all I know is that whatever they call what comes before it feels like owwies."
He chuckles, but tries to maintain a serious composure, "owwies?"
"Like, I don't know." I huff, exasperated, trying to find the right words. I stand up, sinking my feet in the sand. "It's like being ignored because everyone's better than me. It's like constantly having my pointless hopes crushed. It's like putting a façade on so people don't see me sad. It's like when I try and do something to take the attention off of how I really feel."
"You should always act how you really feel, Cat. You shouldn't try and hide it. Thank you for opening up to me out here, as well as listening. It's been really nice."
"Yeah I agree. Can we come back sometime? Maybe during the day? I want to make sandcastles!"
He agrees, smiling, as we climb back into the car.
I, of course, start to drift off to sleep as he drives, and he turns the radio down.
I really like you, Beck.
"What?" Beck yelps. I jump up.
Uh oh. I said that out loud.
"Uh, um, uh…." I stutter, and I look over at him.
His expression is full of panic and horror, "Cat, no!"
I stumble over my words, caught little red handed. "Beck… I didn't mean… I'm sorry…"
The tension in the air gets heavy quick.
"It's not your fault… but, I love Jade… you know that…" He pities me. Oh.
"I get it, sorry." I whisper that, ashamed and embarrassed. I can't look into his eyes.
"I want to be close with you friend wise, like we were tonight. But if you can't handle that, I understand." He is back to being focused on the road.
Brave face back on. "No, no. I want to be friends. Please." I'm back at stage one. I can't just dig myself out of this one. I can hardly hold back my tears, "I'm going back to sleep now."
The radio plays softly as Beck drives on. I keep my body angled towards the window and let tears fall. Occasionally, I swear I feel his eyes on me but I never look nor does he say a word.
The car stops at my house. The engine cuts.
"Can I have a hug?" I fall into his arms, my shoulders sag and I can't help but start to cry.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to tell you, never ever wanted to put you in this awk-o position." Guilt.
He tilts my chin up so I look at him, straight in the eyes. "Listen. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're beautiful, you're amazing. Don't think otherwise. I'm the one who's sorry." He wipes the tears away from my face with his thumbs.
"Kaykay." My hoarse voice chokes out. He hugs me again, and I feel him kiss the top of my head.
I feel like a child.
I climb into bed that night, feeling hopeless and selfish. I never meant for Beck to find out about how I felt. Especially after he told me about how rough of a spot he's in with Jade. How everything played out once we got in the car, it was really unfair of me to put him on the spot like that. How could I?
While I continue to mentally assault myself, my eyes close and I drift off into a dreamless abyss.
A/N: Well. That all was typed up in a total of two nights. I have very mixed feelings about it, and originally I planned on going several different directions with the plotline before it landed where it did. I think I'm going to keep this a one-shot, but if anyone thinks otherwise, let me know or help me out with suggestions on how to continue it. Thanks for reading!
_iHearU