There was one thing in this world you had come to know as a never-changing anomaly, an unexplainable loose thread in the fabric of reality itself-
Leigh Daniel Avidan sucked at Just Dance.
You assumed his somehow-point-scoring flails on 'Strippin's Got Game' were purely beginner's luck, because the only way to describe the strange uncontrollable movements the wild-haired man executed before you was "Uncontrollable-switched-on-garden-hose"
You couldn't help but choke out a train crash of a previously stifled laugh.
The dancing queen heard your snorts and barks of laughter as you rolled about the couch clutching your stomach, and ceased his flailing to turn to you. "Hey! Jeez, I only played this-" a sharp, deep intake of breath "- because you made me, your royal-" another short gasp for air, "-friggin' highness!" He placed a hand on his right hip and caught his breath, in a way that looked so go-to-your-room-right-now-young-lady-and-think-about-what-you-did that you couldn't help but choke out a few more shards of strained barks of laughter, gasping for air.
You attempted to halt your gushing cackles enough to form a complete sentence, and almost managed. "Hey Dancing Queen, look, you're doing great! You've got..." You looked round his I'm-not-angry-I'm-disappointed spaghetti frame to the ongoing pop vomit of California Girls on the television screen, the you can do better! beep from the game sounding again and again, a microwave on the blink. "...Wow. I mean, wow. I'm gonna be super honest, I didn't even think that score was even possible!..."
He stood praying-mantis-still for a few seconds, obviously deep in thought, all the humilating possibilities of revenge flicking through his mind like awful holiday snapsnots including the same people looking - surprise surprise! - exactly the same in every frame, just with a different background, like a terribly green-screened action movie.
Through careful and tatical deliberation, Danny decided his most effective act of revenge was to abruptly sit on you.
"JESUS CHRIST-DANNY-DANDANSERIOUSLY-GET-GETOFFME-DAAAN" Your voice was muffled by the 6'3" 150 pound dead weight currently residing on your stomach, but you still managed to cough up one last hurrah. "IF THIS IS TO BE THE END OF MY EPIC TALE" You made this melodrama as melodramatic as possible, complete with Macbeth fake-skull-holding and hand-gesture-blood-spurts, all from beneath Danny's weight. You reiterated for effect. "IFTHISISTOBETHE
ENDOFMYEPICTALE...TELL THEM...TELL THEM IT WAS A THREE...HEADED...DRAGON!"
You then, for all intensive purposes, with one last over-dramatic breath and the limp drop of your skull hand, died.
"OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" Danny tumbled awkwardly from your stomach onto the hardwood floor like a play-dead possum. You slowly cranked open your right eye, peering sneakily at the angular form of the faux-anguished man on the floor. He thrust his hands onto his face, his oh-so-pained voice slightly muffled by the action."YOU SHALL BE REVIVED! I SWEAR IT ON MIMI'S SOUL-"
You rise up, a member of the undead with a grumpy pout.
"Dude. Do not bring Mimi into this." You raise a hand, a stained-glass peace keeper. A royal red blanket caught your eye, so you flung it over your shoulder in an abrupt flail. Your voice took on a deep and-then-there-was-light rumble, your intent gaze staring off into the middle distance. "She is an innocent." Dan's face spread into a wide Cheshire cat grin, a loud bark of laughter jumping from his throat.
You found yourself tracing his laugh-lines with you suddenly soft eyes, a small smile tearing along your mouth, like a stiff doll tearing it's mouth open with a single small smile - a little painful, but strangely like something you had known how to do all along.
A few seconds later, Dan's eyes lit up like the headlights of a train - unstoppable, unfaltering, and slightly terrifying. He darted out the room, legs first, all face-tearing-grins and eyes like a high school prank.
Oh god.
"Uhh...Dan?..."
You took this chance to grab the TV remote from the couch, freeing it like Excalibur from the black hole of under-the-couch-cushion. Jeez. You hadn't realised the game was still even running. You couldn't help but wince at the state of the score. You swiftly turned off the TV with a quiet click, sliding the remote under the couch for safekeeping.
"LEIGH DANIEL AVIDAN!" You scream, voice shotgun-loud and bulletproof, they way you liked your words to be.
"GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE MISTER!"
A strangle slow shuffle (sounding worryingly like a large wardrobe/secret door being shoved) a few floor-shuddering clanks, and a "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME" from the back room later, Dan emerged - wreathed in regal blue-and-red fur lined glory.
Eyes narrowing, you assume prime battling stance, "Ahhh...we meet again, Intergalactic Warrior/Dragon Slayer Danny Sexbang!"
"Just admit it-" He flicked his head round to face you, eyes wide and wild, his hair a flash of black like some kind of small, bouncy, truly alive thing, "You know you cannot beat my sick skills, you...YOU...RAPSCALLION!"
You stepped back in mock horror, arm raised.
"TAKE THAT BACK, YOU SCOUNDREL!"
Your eyes gained a strange mischievous glint, the kind of dangerous spark that would make a perfectly sane person check all rooms for tar, chicken feathers, and/or giant fans.
"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A TICKLE FIGHT...TO THE DEATH!"
Danny Sexbang gasped, a pantomime intake of air - Then smirked in all senses of the word, a kind of you-bet? trickster grin, and a little strange something in somewhere that wasn't your brain began to kick well and truly into life.
He leaped like some kind of leopard/giraffe hybrid but you met him halfway, equal parts flailing and falling onto the couch you-first. You harshly shoved him off onto the hardwood floor, your laughter echoing through the room, followed with the Intergalactic Warrior/Dragon Slayer's barks of anguish from the ground.
"Oh, and I maaaay have forgot to mention. The floor is made of lava."
A louder, more pained yell rose from your left as you lay on your back on the couch, his voice slightly muffled by the lava that was slowly burning him alive.
"My old foe...we meet again!" Danny yelled at the floorboards/lava, eliciting a not-quite-snort of laughter from you.
You rolled forward off the couch, hoping to deliver the final K.O-
-only to find your wrists held in mid-air, Dan's freight-train eyes fixed on you with a strange whack of intensity that packed enough punch to knock the air clean out of you.
You stayed like that, Danny somehow keeping you held above him, bent legs on either side of his, eye to eye - no sparkles, no oh senpai noticed me, no kawaii blushing or giggles.
Just something that felt like it wanted to be grabbed and destroyed and remade simply because exploding felt like being burned by a supernova, and you never realised it until now, but you really wanted to be burned.
You were suddenly both sitting upright, legs still stuck in place on each side of his, equally as stationary, but you were still staring and breathing and ohgodican'ttakemuchmoreofthis and he was so close you could hear each rapid hitched breath-
Woah.
It felt like being underneath a broken power line, sparks bouncing and leaving marks on the tingling skin of jaw lines and collarbones, marks shaped like desperate fingers.
The first kiss was sudden, hungry, freight-train-powerful, and so deep you felt like you were going to sink and sink and never ever resurface because nothing could steal you away from sparking fingers and freight-train kisses.
You feel a feather light weight on your hip grasping tighter, pulling and reaching-
His pulse drums like hailstones under your searching fingers - eyelids flickering with pupils blown black-
His arm sliding round to the small of your back, pulling you closer, your hands on his face, his head bowed slightly back, warm fingers shooting electric shocks through too much fabric.
It was then, as you broke for a second to regain your breath, you realize exactly how you feel.
Safe. Soft. Warm.
Right.
His eyes flicker and open after a few short but heavy breaths, eyes beyond black and hands gently kneading the small of your back.
Your eyes matched his, far-gone but somehow still deeply intense.
Dan's eyes focus suddenly on you, posing a question he lets his mouth stutter out.
"Um...okay, um.."
You subconsciously brace yourself for fallout, suddenly noticing how inviting all the available exits nearby (including the window) seem, forcing your eyes to shift to meet his as they stare at your face, still half-dazed. His Adam's apple bobs in his throat, strangely hypnotic and you suddenly notice a few rather obvious scratch marks on his neck just below his stubble.
You blush. Which safe to say, is a first for you.
"Wow?"
His voice is unusually deep and cracks with what you can only describe as a kind of dare I say lust - the kind that women like Julia Roberts experience in movies like Sex in The City or Romcoms from the 90's.
And your breath halts for a split second because you don't think you've heard anything so damn sexy in your entire life.
You react to this realisation by once again blushing profusely.
Large, bright, comic arrows in your head all point to a single word, a word you say with safety and honesty because this feels like where it's all been heading, almost like re-reading a book you'd read a million times only to discover you hadn't understood it all along, but you don't even care, because this version is so, so much better, and you finally get it. You understand now.
"Wow."
Your reply comes out as a statement, an all-caps-billboard-wreathed-in-glowing-lights-YES.
Dan smiles a soft, tentative smile and you feel your cheeks go red again but you couldn't care less because the thing you had been looking for wasn't a thing but a he, wrapped around you, his eyes wide and endearing and a kind of sweet you'd never really seen but desperately wanted to see more often.
He reaches up slowly and part of you screams for him to go faster, moving his hand from your waist, fingers trailing along your spine, finally to have both cupping your face.
You watch as his eyes dart from your eyes to your lips, his breath catching deliciously in his throat and you pull him forward, your hands subconsciously grasping him by the fluffy rim of his cape. You quietly laugh into his mouth as you realise he is still in full-Sexbang attire, his Adam's apple bobbing again as you look down and he covers his hand over his mouth in a shocked laugh that is all kinds of cute.
"My knees hurt." You say suddenly, laughing again. You shift your weight and fall back on your butt, unceremoniously, and he laughs, one eyebrow raised, as you rub your bruised butt-bone.
"That, mi amigo, was actually planned." You point at him, your face smug, jokes flowing. "All part of my master plan of...mega seduction! - code name: hizzit the skizzins with Sexbang!"
"That, surprisingly enough, is entirely believable. Only you would call sex 'hizzit the skizzins'."
"I have others."
"Oh god."
"Let me see..."
"Sweet lord have mercy."
You begin to count them off on your fingers.
"Numero Uno - get some stankie on the hang down. Numero dos -jigjig. Numero tres-"
"This is actually incredible. Do go on."
He puts his hand on his chin, face quizzical and faux-interested.
"I shall, kind sir. Numero tres - pound the duck. See, I never really got that one. I mean, what exactly does the duck represent in that scenario? A duck can stand as a metaphor for many an imaagoooooooohhh..."
You breath in deeply as you look down to see Danny in front of you, pressing gentle kisses to your stomach, still in full Sexbang kit. He rises up to fit snugly between your legs, lips meeting the skin above your shoulder blade, your hands subconsciously running through his curls.
"See? My plaaaahhhnn..." You slur as he runs a hand down your hip, tracing gentle lines and biting softly on your neck. "...worked perfectly."
You catch his scent suddenly as he kisses the corner of your mouth invitingly - unsurprisingly, skittles.