My name is Christian Grey…I'm a homosexual.

Shock? Not really. My parents knew from the day I slid right out of my mother's vagina that I was not going to be a pussy destroyer and yeah, they were right. I swapped action figures for Barbie dolls, footballs for a hair brush and boyish dvd's for a Barbie boxset. We all knew I was going to be different when I grew up.

So now as I stand here, picking out my fucking pink thong whilst serving a customer, I can't help but think being gay was a bad idea.

"I said I wanted a chicken mayo—this is a fucking normal burger you turd!" The ginger man infront of me spat as he chucked the hastily made beef burger at me. I flinched, smacking it back his way before tutting

"Oh whatever. My shifts over complain to someone else, honey." I flip my long grown ginger hair out of my face sassily before making my way out the back of McDonalds to have a cigarette.

I'm pretty damn fucking gorgeous but I'm single. I mean I have these pretty grey eyes which are complimented with a dashing amount of mascara and purple eyeshadow, I have full lips which are smothered in red lipstick and I have had like six nose jobs so my nose is like a cute little button.

Still no man wants me. No man wants to kiss me…maybe I'm too much?

No. I'm fabulous and all the bitches know it. Other gays fight with me I'm that good.

My total bff Selina walks up to me as she takes off her cap. God she looks like a lesbian

"Hey Christie." She smiles and I see her goddamn ugly teeth. I smile at her back

"Hey Sel'!"

"Ugh you'll never guess what happened this morning!"

I look her up and down "You popped that zit that was growing into another head on your face? You put on makeup? You learned how to dress sexy?"

She glared at me "Christie! Leonardo DiCaprio asked me out on a date."

"Pfft, Channing Tatum asked me out on one-I wish. The things I'd do to that man…mmmhh."

My denim skirt gets shorter so I know I should stop thinking about the size of Tatum's package-

Something hard hit me on the head…and it wasn't a cock…no it knocked me out.

OmFG

WHO IS EXCITED