Disclaimer: All characters herein are owned by Joss Whedon and Fox and/or
UPN, except any I invent. I use them with grateful thanks and hope I do a
good job!
Author: Jacqueline Burns – jay.b@slayme.com
Use: If you want to use it, then great! But please ask first! As long as you credit it to me and don't steal it, then I can't see a problem!
Journal entry 1
Alright, so I'm a vampire. Got a problem with that, have you? I've had years of killing people, some for fun – and it was fun, bloody fantastic things you can do with a railroad spike, messy though, but that makes it better - some for food. So what? But now, I think I'm paying for it……
I used to write when I was a human, you know. Poetry, of all things. People hated it, said I had no talent. So when I met my lovely Dru and she made me what I am today, I showed them exactly how much talent I had. They didn't see it for long, though. So I've bought myself this journal, and perhaps someone will find it and think, Bloody hell, so vampires were real! Either that or this guy was a loony. Hey, who gives a damn what they think? This is my life, here. Or my death, depends on how you bloody look at it.
I'm going soft in my old age. That's it. Gotta be. Next thing I'll be making bloody daisy-chains by moonlight and skipping through the dew, with bells in my hair. And it's all her fault. With those big blue eyes and those trim little muscles, that smooth, smooth skin and just the hint of sweet perfume………
I'm in love with the Slayer. Sodding hell, it's just my luck. How the hell did that happen? Me 'n Dru were happy, together for years. We killed, we loved, we bathed in the terror we caused. We killed for the sake of killing, till Dru became weak. I looked after her then. She was my Princess, my beautiful, black-haired Goddess of Blood. We had each other and that was more than enough. And the things we did……… well, perhaps I might tell you later. Don't wanta scare you right at the start. Then there was Prague. Those people, somehow they knew. They have their stories, and they knew. That sodding idiot mob. She might have died. But I saved her, because she made me, and I loved her. Bitch that she was, probably still bloody is, 'cept I don't know where she is. Not that that bothers me when all I can see, all I can think about is Buffy, the bloody oh-so-perfect Slayer. In my mind all the time. But I'm ahead of myself. Again.
We came here to Sunnydale 'cause I wanted to add another kill to my belt, another Slayer to join the two I already got. We'd heard, the way you do, that there was a Slayer here, complete with Hellmouth, like a Barbie set. And she was meant to be good. Suited me, I wanted a decent challenge - after all, no fun going after someone who's a few spikes short of a railroad. Slayers might all be "Chosen" with the strength and all that, but some aren't the brightest in the bunch, if you know what I mean, whether their Watchers are or not.
Dru didn't really want to come, you know. Deranged she might have been, but she knew that she didn't want to come here, Hellmouth or no. She saw things. They often came true, though some of the things she saw were just madness from her broken mind. I remember, she looked at me, eyes big and black, mouth trembling. "Let's stay here, Spike……… Princess likes it here," she'd murmured. Well, I'd hated it. We were in some backwater, hiding, keeping low from the local gangs. No real challenges, nothing to fight. Boring. So we came here. I told her it would be alright and she believed me, and we came.
I faced down that snotty kid, you know, the Annointed One, and his – what'd you call them? oh yeah, minions - said I'd kill his Slayer for him and me 'n Dru were here to stay. But it didn't quite work like that.
Dru was alright once we'd got here. Madder than ever, but mostly OK. Her visions were useful - she knew things were going to happen. And then we found the ritual that could make her whole again. Well, I knew it wouldn't restore her sanity, but at least she'd be able to hunt on her own. And being in this place, in Sunnydale, was perfect. The things we needed to make it all happen, were all here. Bloody excellent, that's what I thought at the time.
The thing that really turned it was Angelus, you know. He was the worst of us all. He did things that even I shudder to think about, and I'm not exactly a saint. He was the one who drove Dru mad, before he made her the demon I knew. He … well, evil doesn't come close to describing what he was. It's just not enough. Then he got "good". Oh, I know it wasn't his fault, but we did tell him to leave the gypsy girl alone. You just don't mess with that type, with all their mumbo-jumbo and herb stuff. But he had to do it anyway and then he disappeared. I'll tell you, I was bloody amazed to find him in Sunnydale of all places, and snuggling with the Slayer, no less – and to find out he had a soul. But that was perfect, 'cause taking him for Dru really riled her up, got her arse in gear and moving. Thinking about it, we might have been wise to just take him and leave, instead of staying here. 'Cause although we healed Dru, I got buried when that sodding church thing collapsed and ended up in that chair. And then things really started to go wrong.
Entry 2…
Before you start, yeah, I know you're meant to include the dates in these things. But it doesn't matter anyway. When you've lived this long, who the hell cares when it is? But anyway.
He went bad again, and it was worse than the first time. Having sex with the Slayer, one moment of not brooding and thinking about his sins, about that bloody gypsy. He came straight to us, to Dru. Not me. But then he'd made such an effort to turn Dru in the first place, he'd made it a bloody masterpeice. Killing everything and everyone she loved. Slowly, most of them. Very, very slowly. He invented tortures that I don't even want to think about. Making her believe that she was a thing of evil, that her visions were from the devil. And then the finale – waiting till the convent, till she was about to take on a life of service to God. That must have been what pushed her over the edge, you know. Then eventually Dru found me. Pulled me out of my miserable life. Made me strong and quick, and powerful. Won't say it didn't hurt. It was the single most painful thing in all the world, at first, the pounding of my heart, growing slower, feeling myself growing colder, the darkness closing in…… Then taking the blood from her, feeling everything that the demon was, feeling and seeing what she felt. My heart, stopping. But still alive, well, not- alive. But finally awake, seeing things how they really are. Feeling the lust for hot, fresh blood inside me.
Damn Angelus. Making eyes at Dru and taking her away, while I got stuck in that bloody chair and he mocked me. Then I teamed up with the Slayer – oh, she didn't want to, but it was that or let the whole world go to hell – and we got him. Or she got him. I just got Dru back and we went, as far away from the Hellmouth and that bitch as possible………
It was fine for a while, you know, back how it was in the old days. Then Dru changed. Maybe I changed. But she said I'd got soft, I wasn't the same Spike she'd loved. It was making the deal with Buffy that changed it all. Dru said I'd lost myself when I did that, that I couldn't match her if I could work with a Slayer. Last straw was when I saw her with that…that thing, putting slime all over her, those horns. How could she? A Chaos demon. God, that was so low. She couldn't have gone any lower. So I said, I told her we were finished. And she said, that was fine, she could look after herself, she didn't need me. Then she just……went. Wasn't supposed to be that way. She was meant to realise she loved me and come back. So I killed that demon, just for the hell of it, 'cause she'd said I wasn't bad anymore. Then I got drunk. Oh, yes.
I got drunk a lot. Ended up back here in Sunnydale, crashed the car, burned myself. All because of her. And I blamed the Slayer. Wanted to kill her and that nancy-boy Angel. Found out he'd come back, you see, from wherever she sent him when she shoved that bloody great sword into him. And that he was all good again. I went to the magic shop, what's it called? Oh, yeah, The Magic Box. Something cursey, I thought, to go. Something for them both. Something nasty.
When I got there, though, I found Red, the little witch. Had an idea. That desperate to bring her back. A love spell, or something, for Dru. So I followed Red, found her with that Xander, getting ready to cast a spell. Dunno what they sort they were doing, they were quarrelling a bit when I walked in. He tried to fight, but he's no Slayer. So I clocked him one with a chair, or something, knocked her out (she didn't even try) and dragged them both back, to the old factory. Locked 'em in the basement. He bled a bit, made me hungry, but I left him. Knew Red would have a bloody fit, wouldn't work for me if I touched him. He was lucky.
She woke up eventually. I'd got drunk again by that time, of course. Had the bottle in my hand, drowning in the whisky. Fire in my head and belly. Hadn't eaten for a while, not since the magic shop owner. Hadn't eaten for a long time before that. So I told her, told Red what I wanted. Her. Drusilla. Asked what she needed, threw the Spellbook at her, said I'd get the stuff. Got angry and upset then, what a pillock. Ended up crying into her neck. Warm sweet skin. Could feel the pulse under my cheek, the temptation to just taste her……… the warmth, so close. I could smell her blood. Sweet, so warm and red. But she knew, she pulled back. Said she'd do the spell, but I wasn't to touch her. Or Xander. Asked me what I'd do if it didn't work. Went a bit crazy then, smashed the bottle, waved the sharp end in her face. Threatened. She's gutsy though, she didn't faint or anything, just told me to grow up and there'd be no threats, no having of anyone and she'd try the spell. Told me what she needed, then, the stuff to do it.
And so off I went, me, like a good little soldier, to pick up the stuff from the magic shop. Well, couldn't hardly let Red go. And Xander, still out like a light, no bloody help to anyone. That's where I found Buffy. Or should that be, she found me?
Entry 3… …
Well. Been out for a wander, smoked a few fags. Followed the Slayer for a bit. Couldn't touch her, of course. But I like to watch her. Help out if I can. Course, she doesn't know it. Wouldn't thank me if she did bloody know. But still.
Killed a vamp. Not too popular with them all at the moment, but you gotta kill something when you can, just to keep it going. And that thing about blood being blood wherever it comes from? Well, bloody forget that. There's nothing like the thrill of a chase and you can't beat fresh. Especially seasoned with fear……… no, nothing like it in this world. Or the next, either. Angelus would know. If he remembers anything about Acathla and hell and all that crap, apart from the pain.
Yeah, Buffy and Angel. Being all googly at each other. 'Course, they denied it all. Just friends, they said. Yeah. Like that's ever really gonna happen. One of those other bloody Scooby whats-its had gone running to Buffy, hadn't they. Squealing bloody murder about a fight and blood and people (presumably Red and Xander) being missing. So Buffy and that nancy pouf came out looking, and they found – well, they found me. Her usual trick, she did as always – hit first, ask later. She just assumed I'd taken them. Didn't lie. Admitted it, said they'd better sod off and leave me if she ever wanted to see them again. That I just had a little job for Red then I'd let them go. She guessed that I had 'em in the old factory, but I didn't let on. Let her worry about it, was my way of thinking. Then the others arrived.
Huh, funny the enemies you make when you're better than everyone else. Well, the vamps that turned up heard I was back and wanted a fight. Payback for old insults, you see. Bloody idiots. Buffy and that nancy boy were caught in the middle of it with me – I must admit, it is an advantage to have a Slayer on your side. They don't expect it, for one thing. But she needed me alive, you see, so that I'd tell her where I'd stashed her precious friends. So she had to help me fight 'em. HA! Bloody good fight, that was. Dust everywhere. Lots of screaming, and the damage that holy water does….nasty. Very nasty. Wrecked the bloody shop though. Still, who cares about that? Only some human somewhere.
Decided then that I didn't need the bloody spell, I had purpose again. If Dru thought I was soft, well, all I had to do was find the bitch and show her just how hard I was. Like my old self. Torture her a bit, you know, get her screaming and to admit that she couldn't live without me. Didn't need Red and the other wimp then, did I? Decided Buffy and nancy boy could go save 'em without me. Told 'em they were in the factory, but heard later that Oz (werewolf of all things – surprised me, that did) and that tart Cordelia had sniffed them out – literally by all accounts. Put a bit of a damper on the rescue though, when you discover your respective partners kissing. God, that made me laugh! One step, a thousand mistakes. Didn't need me to interfere with that one! Humans. You're all the bloody same. It's all, "Oooh, we're going to die," so get with the smoochies. You make me sick. Not a faithful bone in your bodies. You lot wouldn't last five minutes with your loved ones, let alone eternity.
All right, so I know Dru and I didn't, but we had a bloody good try. Her being insane didn't exactly help things. Sometimes I wanted to kill her. After that mob in Prague attacked and beat her, made it so she couldn't hardly do anything without me. It hurt to see her that way, small and sort of helpless. I wanted to kill her to make it better, make it right, make it all better for her. I can see you drawing back in horror – how could I want, how could I even think about killing someone I loved? I'm a demon, inside, even though I loved her. What did you expect? It would have been so sweet, taking her life the way she took mine. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I'd stayed what I was. And when I was. It's hard sometimes to see the world change around you. But you change with it. But we got through it. One minute, she would be so sweet, so loving. The next, raging, wailing about the things in her head, those things that only she could see.
God, I've had enough of this for the moment. Rambling about things, how they used to be, how they'll never bloody well be again.
I'm going out. I'm going to kill something. Something else. I need a fight. A good fight – not like that vamp earlier. Took him by surprise, no challenge there at all. Not the Slayer, you know I can't. But anything else that's stupid enough to get in my way………
Entry 4 … …
You know, I was thinking about the old days. Before everything, just when I was a new vampire. Drusilla made me, I've already told you that. But I didn't tell you what it was like, did I? There were four of us. Darla, Angelus, Dru – and then me.
It was the nineteenth century, and don't let anyone tell you what a romantic time it was. No lights, no cars, no decent booze. No decent cigarettes. I was in love with a young woman called Cecily. But she looked down on me – no, worse. She didn't even know I lived. I burned for her, wrote some of my finest verses in her honour and she ground me beneath her dainty heels. Bitch. The last time I saw her – the last time she was alive, anyway - she was radiant in white, a vision of purity and chasteness. That's when she said I was nothing to her. That I was beneath her. She scorned me, mocked my feelings for her. Dru found me later that night.
Would I have accepted what she offered if I'd known what it was? Hell, yes. The chance to live, really live. The chance to show those who said I was nothing. Cecily was the first one I visited, you know. My first victim as a newborn vampire. Her blood wasn't actually as blue as she liked to think, you know. But it was hot and fresh and gave me such a feeling of – power. She begged for mercy, but I told her she was beneath me. That she was nothing. The white dresses she liked to wear were red with her blood, soaked. I made sure she knew how much power over her I had. And then? Well. She was dead. But it took a while. Amazing, how screams can spur you on, make you think of ever more – loving - tortures to inflict.
I visited a lot of old friends shortly after that – till Angelus threw his weight around and said we had to leave. Suspicions were rising, apparently. Not entirely my fault. He and the girls left more than enough mutilated victims in their wake……for a while they didn't seem to care what state they left the bodies in, or where. Dumped them in the streets, sometimes. You'd hear the screams as they were found……
So we travelled together all over England and Europe. We never really stayed too long in one place. I mean, it's better now – tell anyone you think there's a vampire nearby and they'll lock you up quicker than you can scream. But back then, legends still carried some weight, especially in remoter areas. Even in towns, you couldn't be sure of safety. You couldn't afford to draw too much attention. But I didn't care. Not ever. I think perhaps that even then I might have had a bit of a death wish about me. Maybe I wanted to be caught by a mob. I don't know.
I remember Drusilla and what she was like, though. This one time, she took a fancy to some noblewoman's dress. Would have looked fair better on my princess than on the woman who wore it. Deep blood red, edged with white lace, the hem shaded to the colour of dried blood. Dru fell in love with it, so we took it. And the woman in it. And her children…… Oh, how she screamed while Dru played. And played. Inventive, my Dru was. I think the woman was mad long before Dru killed her. Funny – can't even remember who she was now. Just some minor noble – no-one of importance. Perhaps we never knew her name. We left that place soon after.
Then I did the one thing that Angelus, for all his posing and preening, had never (and has still never) done – I killed my first Slayer. Young Chinese girl, good fighter. I killed her in the middle of a full scale rebellion. Lots of screaming and fires and people running for their lives. Great times! You don't get times like that anymore. The taste of a Slayer's blood – now that's different. Not normal. For you lot, I s'pose it would be the difference between cheap wine and champagne. Potent and rich. Not a taste you forget. Angelus – well, he dismissed it as luck. Luck! To kill a Slayer? Bloody hell, you need a lot more than luck on your side. Dru was ecstatic. And the new Slayer was called, and time went on……and on……
The world rolls on and we roll with it. We change, demon or no. We have to. There are some vampires out there who are too stuck in their ways to change. Dracula, for one. God, talk about draw attention – he's such a showoff. Going everywhere with that bloody great castle and servants. He might as well hang a bloody sign round his neck saying "I am a vampire!" He used to be alright, you know, till he went all mysterious and gaunt- looking. Don't go for the skinny look, myself. He used to think it made him more appealing, all that white skin and the long dark hair. Pouf. Then he started with the magic and stuff. That flaming great castle of his used to pop up all over the place, with the bad weather. You'd think people would go, "Ooh, look at that, lived here all my life and never realised there was a castle with it's own thunderstorm in the back garden," but they never do.
Human minds, see, they ignore what you can't explain. Why you never really see us till we bite you – unless we really want you to. But Drac – now he was what vamps should be, really, apart from the haunted thing and the bad accent. But doing magic, able to control and confuse. Good tricks. Thing is, most of us don't have the patience to learn it all. Feed first, then – well, just kill and kill. Who wants to waste time learning? Would be useful though, sometimes. Owes me money though. OK, owed me. Unless he's come back someplace else. Wouldn't put it past him. He's the only one, ever, who's come back after being killed. How many times has he done it? I've lost count, I'll tell you that much.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the next Slayer I killed. I didn't get the very next one, you understand. Others beat me to it. But I did kill another one, in New York, in the 70's. The 70's weren't as good as the 60's. Funny what pills'll do to the blood. Never feed off of a hippy or someone who's doing drugs, 'cause it'll mess with your mind, demon or no. Fed off a hippy girl in some commune – Dru had to come drag me out. She said I was sitting there, with the girl's body next to me, staring at my hand and laughing. God only knows what she'd taken before I took her. Enough to give me a headache like this chip gives me now.
But the Slayer……… I kinda enjoyed the 70s. The whole punk, ripped clothes attitude thing. Peroxided my hair, spiked it up, wore chains and zips and attitude with a capital A. The Slayer was dumb enough to follow me into the subway. We fought on a train, made it interesting, flashing in and out of tunnels. Dark, light, dark, light. Like fighting in slow motion, the dance of death. She lost, obviously. I looked into her eyes at the end, and it was there. Same as it was with the first one. She wanted to know what it was like. Death. She'd dealt it out countless times, even if it was to monsters and demons but I think, deep down, she wanted to know what it was like. I've tried to explain this several times. It isn't a good punch or a kick that kills the Slayer. It's how much they want to die, in the end. That's all it comes down to. I've just seen some film, great quote in it, goes, "Death is only the beginning." Well, it is for us. Not for you happy meals on legs. Not all of you………….
Entry 5 … … …
Well, here we are again. Ready to go on with the excitement of me? Yeah, thought so. As I said sometime earlier, Dru and I came to Sunnydale – godforsaken hellhole – because I'd heard there was a Slayer here. Wanted to add a third to my belt if I could. No other vampire's done that, you know – not three. Most have never even managed one before getting themselves dusted.
We came here. Found out there was some Master pointy-teeth guy stuck underground or something. Or he was dead by the Slayer's hand, I can't remember. Don't much care, cept that he'd left this kid – this thing, in charge. The Annointed One. Looked like a human, bout 10 years old, I reckon. Full of himself too. So we made the bargain, Dru and I, that we'd get rid of the girl and they'd let us stay – well, OK, I made the bargain. Dru just hummed and swayed a bit, must've given 'em the spooks. Dru, actually, was why I wanted to kill her, in the beginning. 'Cause Dru wanted me to do it for her. And I wanted to.
I found out which one she was. Had to see her fight, first, so I'd know what she was made of. So I found out – through the scaredy cat grapevine – where she and her little friends hung out. Some nightclub, packed with humanity – The Bronze. Oh, the temptation! To go in there and just kill, feed to bursting and then kill for the sake of it. OK, I know I can't do it now, that I come across like some nice tame pussy cat, but I was a bloody demon, remember! And I was BAD. Don't you ever forget it. There'll be time enough to remind everyone when this chip comes out. Till then, though, I know which side I'm picking whether they want me or not. God, where was I? Oh, yeah, that's right. Got one of the Annoying One's chumps to take a girl outside. Waited for him to bite, then went back into the club, just beside their table, and did the, "Oh, somebody call the police! There's some guy outside trying to bite someone!" thing. Well, she looked round, passed right by me, and shot outside. She should have seen what I was, but she didn't. Not then. I hid in the shadows and watched the fight. Good techniques. But she took a bit longer than was probably good. I came out and gave her a round of applause when she'd finished. That surprised her a bit… … She was ready to fight me, though. So I introduced myself and said that our time would come…… that we'd dance together and she'd lose.
I was meant to wait for some special night to kill the girl. St Vitus or some crap like that, when the dark power flows. Or so they told me. But I decided that waiting was no fun! Couldn't wait to fight. We followed her round for a bit, and when we finally attacked, I and the Annoying One's chums, it was at her school. Sunnydale High. Dump. Dark (obviously) full of milling students and parents and teachers. Her mother was there. Huh. See where she gets it from. She threatened me – ME! – with an axe, of all things! Right mess. We'd had a good fight, I was winning and then up she pops out of nowhere with a fire axe, ready to defend her beloved daughter. Course, she didn't know we were vampires or she'd have run screaming. She didn't know her precious daughter was a Slayer either. So I decided it would be better to withdraw, cut my losses, get out while before I ended up as a small pile of dust. But I did mean to kill her. I knew there'd be other opportunities……… Had to get past the Annoying One first, though. Had to show him who was boss, or he'd be on my back all the time, whining about the Slayer still being alive and interfering. I wanted a quiet life, 'specially for Dru. Didn't do her much good when things were – messed up.
The Annoying One screamed when he hit the sunlight. Hoisted him up in a big steel cage, didn't wait for the dust to sift down. He wasn't a vampire though, he was some other thing, and the noise – I don't know if scream really describes it. But something certainly died in the cage. What was left of his "gang" knew who was the Big Bad then, and they let us alone, me 'n Dru.
Odd thing for a Slayer, you know. She has friends. They help, they get in the way, but she saves them and still they go on together. The other Slayers, the two I offed, were alone. 'Cept for their Watchers – bunch of ponces. No friends to help them. Perhaps that's how she's survived so long. She has things to live for. The others didn't. Don't know how she sees it. She only talks to me when she wants information, and even then she spends more time hitting than speaking.
She's strong. Stronger than even she knows. She's not like the other Slayers, I can see something in her. Something dark. Dracula could see it too – he told her it was there. That her power is based in evil, older even than the oldest of us (God only knows who that is, but don't believe any of that Anne Rice rubbish about Egyptians). I wonder if she knows where the power of the Slayer comes from, wonder if she ever thinks about it. I do. When this chip comes out, it'll be something to use against her. Maybe. I love her but at the same time, I wish she was dead. She'll never love me. She thinks I'm a monster. So when the chip comes out, I will be. I'll be all the demon she could ever want…………
Entry 6……
You probably want to know why I came back to Sunnydale, since I spend so much time moaning about how much I hate the bloody place. And I expect you're dying to know about the chip, aren't you? Well, you can damn well wait for that little story. I'm not giving everything up in one go.
I came back to Sunnydale for one thing, and one thing only. A thing that vampires the world over had searched for, deciding in the end – more fool them – that it was a legend, a myth, that it didn't exist and never had. Well, I did my homework. And I found out that it was real. And where it was.
A simple thing, a thing that would allow me to become a daywalker. And unkillable. The Gem of Amorrah. I'm already immortal, barring accidents with sharp pointy things, but I can be killed – as evidenced over and over again by our friend the Slayer with Mr Pointy. By the way, she's the only Slayer I ever heard of who named her stake. Did someone say she was normal?
Anyway, Drusilla had dumped me again. Yes, I admit it. This time she went off with a fungus demon (she's got a thing about slime, now) but to be honest, it wasn't the same after we split last time. Sod her. She can do what she likes. She always did anyway, 'cept that for some of it she was too mad. So I thought, what can I do to pass the time? I was in a bar, talking to some demons and playing cards, when the subject of the Gem came up. Don't 'xactly remember how. But anyway. I went with it – I mean, imagine what it would be like – to be staked by Buffy and for nothing to happen. She'd be so vulnerable in that instant – be like killing a normal person. The sunlight thing's overrated. Who needs a tan? Just gives you skin cancer. Not much good to anyone. But being able to stalk her -–IN DAYLIGHT when she wouldn't expect it. Now, that would be worth the effort of finding the damn thing. So I did my homework, turned into Vampire in Charge of Other Researching Vampires – you didn't think I did it myself, did you? Don't be so bloody stupid. And, surprise, surprise, it turns out the bloody thing's in Sunnydale, of all the places in the whole world where it could be. Sunnydale! I ask you. So back I came.
Picked up a nice little blonde vamp on the way – Harmony. Thought she'd be a nice distraction while we searched. She drove me round the sodding bend! Can I make this person a vampire? Can we go to France? You promised to take me out! But she was good in other ways – huh, won't go into that here. That's personal stuff. Then the silly cow went and tried to bite the little witch, said that her "boyfriend would make them sorry" or some crap like that. Luckily for her, she didn't tell them it was me. Last bloody thing I wanted was the Slayer knowing I was back in Sunnydale, the place of my most humiliating arse-kickings. Then Harm insisted that I take her out – so we went to pick up some food. At a party, where people would just think we were taking home a drunk. And guess what? Yeah, just our sodding luck. Bumped straight into the Slayer and her boy-toy. We made a run for it, got back to the lair in one piece. That's when I made them – Harmony and the others - promise to stay in. Harm threw a hissy fit at that one, but I didn't want the Slayer tracking us back to the tunnels, not when we were so close to finding the Gem.
We'd pinpointed the manky old crypt where the Gem was meant to be, then tunnelled to come up underneath it. The sight when we broke through into the crypt! We were the first to have seen it for centuries, must have been. Hoards of stuff in there, some magical rubbish, some not. Glittering in the light from our lamps. Then I thought I'd found it. A deep, flashing green jewel on a long golden chain, wrapped round the neck of a mouldering skeleton. Harmony'd come into the crypt behind me, wanted to know if she could have "stuff". What did I care? I'd found the Gem……… it was all I wanted. The power of it! I ripped it off its late owner and carefully lowered it over my head, feeling the weight of it against my chest. Didn't feel any different. Harmony told me I looked the same, that she thought I'd be glowing or at least taller. Then she started to prattle on again – honestly, the girl hasn't a brain in her head. The mouth just moves with no outward direction. Yap, yap, yap. Eternal damnation and boils upon the one who made her! Unless it was me. Lost my temper a bit then, grabbed for the first thing I saw. A cross. The pain of it! Searing into my flesh, burning. So obviously the thing round my neck wasn't the Gem…… Harm's advice on the burn? That I should put some butter on it. Lost it completely then, broke a table thing, and staked her. But nothing happened. The wound closed up at once – no dust, no pile of ashes – just a very angry and upset female vampire who started screeching at me. That's when I saw it – on her hand. A ring, golden, bearing a green jewel in a cage. Had to be it – had to be the Gem! I ripped it off her – yeah, I should have asked, but who the hell are you to tell me what I should have done? And Harm was just a baby compared to me, far too weak to fight me – and win. Especially not with the Gem on my hand.
Then I went Slayer hunting. My God, the look on her face when she saw me – in sunlight! I could feel it warming my skin for the first time in over 100 years. The only other thing that's warmed my skin has been fresh, sweet blood. The warmth of sunlight is different, though. It stung slightly, as if it knew I shouldn't be there, was only in the light on borrowed time. I think I'd come up at a bad time… Obviously things weren't working out real well with her and the boy-toy. I caught enough of the conversation to know that she'd – well, to use an Angel phrase, had a happy – but then he didn't want to know. Talk about laugh! "Ooh, have I done something wrong?" she asked him. He'd just used her, taken what she offered – he didn't want anything else. And she'd let him, thinking, oh, I don't know, that it was love. She doesn't know what love is. I know. Angel - even Angelus - knew. She looked like a kicked puppy when he told her it'd been fun and that was all. Then he walked away. And I moved in.
I don't think I need to go into the bloody details for you. I sodding got my arse kicked again, she ripped the ring off me, I went back down into tunnels. I think my mistake was mentioning Angel. She wasn't doing so good till then. That just pushed her over the edge. But she's magnificent when she's angry, when she's fighting for her life. 'cause that's what it was going to be. A fight to the death.
I can hear you wondering how I can say I'm in love with her, when I keep saying I wish she was dead. You don't quite understand me………I don't really mean dead, as in not-alive-in-any-way dead, not any more. I wish she was like us. Forever. I can't really say exactly when I started to feel this way. It just happened. One minute, she was just a pain in the arse, thwarting (good word, huh?) me at every turn. The next? She was all I could think about. My head was full of her, every thought, every action, tainted by her. Everywhere I looked, she was there. Blonde, slim, strong, fearless – beautiful.
Entry 7………
Back to the Gem. Yeah, the bloody thing that was meant to make me able to kill the Slayer. And walk in daylight without burning. Damn thing. After the fight with Buffy, when she ripped the sodding thing off me, I found out – you can find out just about anything if you really need to know – that she intended to send the ring to lover boy. Yup. She was going to send it to Angel. Now, I don't need to tell you what would happen if Angel just happened to turn all evil and nasty again – with the Gem of Amorrah on his delicate little finger, do I? And the little werewolf was going to take it to him for her. So I followed him, down to LA. What a city that is! Full of fear and death and pulsing life, just waiting to be taken by those of us that prowl the night. Don't know where I got that phrase from, but I like it! Sort of romantic in a slightly evil kind of way. The great pouf was running some sort of private detective agency, prancing round in those tight black leather pants he's so fond of, with his bloody great coat and black shirts. I watched him one night, saving a blonde girl from her crazy boyfriend. "Ooooooh, how can I ever thank you??" she fluttered at him. "No need, little lady, your gratitude is enough for me!" Bloody great ponce. Easy enough to watch, and see – where he went and what he did. He had quite a nice car in the basement of that old fire-station where he'd set up home. So I thought I would wait for him.
Hit him in the head with a bloody great plank when he did come down – didn't expect that one, I can tell you! We had a bit of a fight – I ended up face down on the bonnet of his car (not exactly according to plan, this bit). You see, I'd had a bloody great plan all worked out, how I was going to get him to hand over the ring and kill him, but – well, I got bored. Never been that patient and I got fed up hanging around. So there we were in the basement, when Cordelia – of all people – turned up. Turned out her and some half demon were working for Angel, helping him with his "investigations." Angel let me go then – big mistake.
I'd holed up in a bar downtown, where the demons didn't ask questions and didn't care who you were or where you'd come from. Not hiding, you understand. Just – minding my own business for a bit. But I knew that the halfling working for Angel would have contacts. And I knew that they'd be looking for me. It was child's play to set up a trap that would have Angel running downtown faster than you could blink, to come and get me. I'd hired a vampire called Marcus. Nice enough sort, if you like 'em totally insane with a flat madness that's harder than sanity. Obsessed with achieving purity through pain. Torture, to be exact. Didn't care about the ring, had no interest in it – he was exactly what I was looking for. Had to tell him what I wanted Angel for – I mean, no use hiring a bloody good torturer if you don't tell him what it is you want him to torture out of your victim, now is it?
Let it slip to a couple of the green warty skinned slimey ones that I was called Spike and that I was looking for a certain "something". And it got back to Angel. He charged in, knew he would, and caught me feeding. Nothing like that to get his back up, let me tell you! I think it's because he can't do it. If he feeds, then he'll become all nasty again and he's got this bee in his bonnet about atonement for his sins and being a good boy for all eternity. Well, I tell you – sod that! I'd go bad again, and I'd have some REAL fun. But he's all brooding-and-deep-guy, so not much chance of that. Sees himself as the champion of those poor idiots that wander round at night and don't have anyone else to fight for them. I suppose it would be noble if it wasn't quite so bloody pathetic.
Anyway, up he charged, right on time. "Let her go," he demanded. He's no bloody fun at all, and I told him so. He thought he had me. He didn't see Marcus – my torturing friend – behind him. With the chains. Huh. Once he was down, it was easier than – well, easier than child's play, to take him away and chain him up in the empty warehouse I'd rented for us all to play in.
His arms were above his head, the chains looped round his wrists and over a beam in the warehouse roof. Nice big space for Marcus to set up his table with all those lovely sharp pointy shiny things on it. And of course, the red hot coals in a brazier in front of it, just in case he wanted to play with hot things as well. When he eventually woke up, the first thing he saw was me. Struggled a bit too, even though it must have been killing his arms, wrenched up the way they were. Marcus came forward then and undid Angel's shirt, looking at his chest and stomach, tracing the muscles lightly. His only comment? 200 years of living, and so little surface damage. He wondered if the inside was the same – well, I didn't think it would be long before we saw the insides. Or at least bits of them.
Angel screamed like girl when Marcus shoved the red-hot poker into his side. Must admit, even I winced. Not where they could see me, mind. Brought back all sorts of memories, including one where I was on the receiving end of something like that. You won't see the scars on a vampire though. We heal to well and too fast for that. So I watched Marcus - I'd chosen a true artist at his trade. He knew exactly where to place each poker, each cut, each twist with the other instruments on his trays. I mean, all it would take was a shiny poker in the wrong place and we'd have a small pile of dust chained to the ceiling and that would be sod all use to anyone. I got bored after a bit, watching Marcus play. There's only so many different things you can do with red hot steel and even the reactions get the same after a bit. I was bored. Thought I'd go and have a look for the damn thing myself, since Angel was refusing to tell. But I wanted to cheer him up before I left, so we had a quick chat about Buffy. And her boy-toy. Told him I thought she was really cute when she was hurting. He had a good reply, though, I'll give him that. Said she was cuter when she was kicking my arse. So I joined in with Marcus for a bit with some pliers, thought it would be nice to play for a little while……
Cordelia and the halfling caught me in Angel's apartment, throwing things around. Cordelia had a crossbow, but I knew she wouldn't use it. She'd be dead before the bolt reached me. Told them they should find the Gem for me, 'cause I was fed up of looking. Got a laugh at that one, but they soon stopped when I told them I had Angel and he was playing with a friend of mine. Set up a bargain, then. Angel for the ring – they had till sundown to find it and bring it to me. Didn't take 'em long to agree.
Got back to the warehouse to find that Marcus had decided to shoot holes in the roof. Angel was almost surrounded by sunlight, and the holes were getting closer to him. Got back, just in time to stop my torturing friend being staked by Angel. He'd been stupid enough to leave a poker or something at Angel's feet. I'd told him to watch the legs, the bloody idiot!
Well. Cordelia and the halfling turned up at the meeting point, minus the ring. Said they knew where it was, but they wanted to see that Angel was in one piece before they told me. Ha! The bargain was for Angel to be alive. I'd never mentioned how many pieces he might be in! But, knew they wouldn't give in. I mean, Cordelia's a stubborn bitch and you can never tell with halflings. So I took 'em to the warehouse, showed them Angel and demanded they hand over my ring. That halfling threw it across the floor – if I wanted it, I'd have to scramble to get it. That's when everything – went wrong.
All I heard was the scream of an engine outside, then a bloody great van roared through the wall, into my warehouse! It was the sodding werewolf, hanging out the window with a crossbow trained on me. They somehow freed Angel and shoved him into the van, and screamed away. All they left was the stink of burning – rubber and flesh – in their wake. And then? Well, at least I had the ring. The Gem. Mine… Only I didn't. It was gone. Had to be Marcus, that cheating, double-crossing – words fail me. So much for purity through pain. But I think I knew what the lure would be, for him. He had a thing, you see – for children. Only, you don't get too many children wandering round at night. But the chance for him to walk in daylight? Obviously too much to resist.
That's when I made my decision. No more partners. No working with other vampires or demons or any other thing. Yeah, just me. The Sole Survivor. The Lone Wolf.
And I'll stick to it. Until I get this chip removed and then – well. I'm not going to kill her. Not the Slayer. Not Buffy. I'm going to turn her. Then she'll be with me. For eternity.
Author: Jacqueline Burns – jay.b@slayme.com
Use: If you want to use it, then great! But please ask first! As long as you credit it to me and don't steal it, then I can't see a problem!
Journal entry 1
Alright, so I'm a vampire. Got a problem with that, have you? I've had years of killing people, some for fun – and it was fun, bloody fantastic things you can do with a railroad spike, messy though, but that makes it better - some for food. So what? But now, I think I'm paying for it……
I used to write when I was a human, you know. Poetry, of all things. People hated it, said I had no talent. So when I met my lovely Dru and she made me what I am today, I showed them exactly how much talent I had. They didn't see it for long, though. So I've bought myself this journal, and perhaps someone will find it and think, Bloody hell, so vampires were real! Either that or this guy was a loony. Hey, who gives a damn what they think? This is my life, here. Or my death, depends on how you bloody look at it.
I'm going soft in my old age. That's it. Gotta be. Next thing I'll be making bloody daisy-chains by moonlight and skipping through the dew, with bells in my hair. And it's all her fault. With those big blue eyes and those trim little muscles, that smooth, smooth skin and just the hint of sweet perfume………
I'm in love with the Slayer. Sodding hell, it's just my luck. How the hell did that happen? Me 'n Dru were happy, together for years. We killed, we loved, we bathed in the terror we caused. We killed for the sake of killing, till Dru became weak. I looked after her then. She was my Princess, my beautiful, black-haired Goddess of Blood. We had each other and that was more than enough. And the things we did……… well, perhaps I might tell you later. Don't wanta scare you right at the start. Then there was Prague. Those people, somehow they knew. They have their stories, and they knew. That sodding idiot mob. She might have died. But I saved her, because she made me, and I loved her. Bitch that she was, probably still bloody is, 'cept I don't know where she is. Not that that bothers me when all I can see, all I can think about is Buffy, the bloody oh-so-perfect Slayer. In my mind all the time. But I'm ahead of myself. Again.
We came here to Sunnydale 'cause I wanted to add another kill to my belt, another Slayer to join the two I already got. We'd heard, the way you do, that there was a Slayer here, complete with Hellmouth, like a Barbie set. And she was meant to be good. Suited me, I wanted a decent challenge - after all, no fun going after someone who's a few spikes short of a railroad. Slayers might all be "Chosen" with the strength and all that, but some aren't the brightest in the bunch, if you know what I mean, whether their Watchers are or not.
Dru didn't really want to come, you know. Deranged she might have been, but she knew that she didn't want to come here, Hellmouth or no. She saw things. They often came true, though some of the things she saw were just madness from her broken mind. I remember, she looked at me, eyes big and black, mouth trembling. "Let's stay here, Spike……… Princess likes it here," she'd murmured. Well, I'd hated it. We were in some backwater, hiding, keeping low from the local gangs. No real challenges, nothing to fight. Boring. So we came here. I told her it would be alright and she believed me, and we came.
I faced down that snotty kid, you know, the Annointed One, and his – what'd you call them? oh yeah, minions - said I'd kill his Slayer for him and me 'n Dru were here to stay. But it didn't quite work like that.
Dru was alright once we'd got here. Madder than ever, but mostly OK. Her visions were useful - she knew things were going to happen. And then we found the ritual that could make her whole again. Well, I knew it wouldn't restore her sanity, but at least she'd be able to hunt on her own. And being in this place, in Sunnydale, was perfect. The things we needed to make it all happen, were all here. Bloody excellent, that's what I thought at the time.
The thing that really turned it was Angelus, you know. He was the worst of us all. He did things that even I shudder to think about, and I'm not exactly a saint. He was the one who drove Dru mad, before he made her the demon I knew. He … well, evil doesn't come close to describing what he was. It's just not enough. Then he got "good". Oh, I know it wasn't his fault, but we did tell him to leave the gypsy girl alone. You just don't mess with that type, with all their mumbo-jumbo and herb stuff. But he had to do it anyway and then he disappeared. I'll tell you, I was bloody amazed to find him in Sunnydale of all places, and snuggling with the Slayer, no less – and to find out he had a soul. But that was perfect, 'cause taking him for Dru really riled her up, got her arse in gear and moving. Thinking about it, we might have been wise to just take him and leave, instead of staying here. 'Cause although we healed Dru, I got buried when that sodding church thing collapsed and ended up in that chair. And then things really started to go wrong.
Entry 2…
Before you start, yeah, I know you're meant to include the dates in these things. But it doesn't matter anyway. When you've lived this long, who the hell cares when it is? But anyway.
He went bad again, and it was worse than the first time. Having sex with the Slayer, one moment of not brooding and thinking about his sins, about that bloody gypsy. He came straight to us, to Dru. Not me. But then he'd made such an effort to turn Dru in the first place, he'd made it a bloody masterpeice. Killing everything and everyone she loved. Slowly, most of them. Very, very slowly. He invented tortures that I don't even want to think about. Making her believe that she was a thing of evil, that her visions were from the devil. And then the finale – waiting till the convent, till she was about to take on a life of service to God. That must have been what pushed her over the edge, you know. Then eventually Dru found me. Pulled me out of my miserable life. Made me strong and quick, and powerful. Won't say it didn't hurt. It was the single most painful thing in all the world, at first, the pounding of my heart, growing slower, feeling myself growing colder, the darkness closing in…… Then taking the blood from her, feeling everything that the demon was, feeling and seeing what she felt. My heart, stopping. But still alive, well, not- alive. But finally awake, seeing things how they really are. Feeling the lust for hot, fresh blood inside me.
Damn Angelus. Making eyes at Dru and taking her away, while I got stuck in that bloody chair and he mocked me. Then I teamed up with the Slayer – oh, she didn't want to, but it was that or let the whole world go to hell – and we got him. Or she got him. I just got Dru back and we went, as far away from the Hellmouth and that bitch as possible………
It was fine for a while, you know, back how it was in the old days. Then Dru changed. Maybe I changed. But she said I'd got soft, I wasn't the same Spike she'd loved. It was making the deal with Buffy that changed it all. Dru said I'd lost myself when I did that, that I couldn't match her if I could work with a Slayer. Last straw was when I saw her with that…that thing, putting slime all over her, those horns. How could she? A Chaos demon. God, that was so low. She couldn't have gone any lower. So I said, I told her we were finished. And she said, that was fine, she could look after herself, she didn't need me. Then she just……went. Wasn't supposed to be that way. She was meant to realise she loved me and come back. So I killed that demon, just for the hell of it, 'cause she'd said I wasn't bad anymore. Then I got drunk. Oh, yes.
I got drunk a lot. Ended up back here in Sunnydale, crashed the car, burned myself. All because of her. And I blamed the Slayer. Wanted to kill her and that nancy-boy Angel. Found out he'd come back, you see, from wherever she sent him when she shoved that bloody great sword into him. And that he was all good again. I went to the magic shop, what's it called? Oh, yeah, The Magic Box. Something cursey, I thought, to go. Something for them both. Something nasty.
When I got there, though, I found Red, the little witch. Had an idea. That desperate to bring her back. A love spell, or something, for Dru. So I followed Red, found her with that Xander, getting ready to cast a spell. Dunno what they sort they were doing, they were quarrelling a bit when I walked in. He tried to fight, but he's no Slayer. So I clocked him one with a chair, or something, knocked her out (she didn't even try) and dragged them both back, to the old factory. Locked 'em in the basement. He bled a bit, made me hungry, but I left him. Knew Red would have a bloody fit, wouldn't work for me if I touched him. He was lucky.
She woke up eventually. I'd got drunk again by that time, of course. Had the bottle in my hand, drowning in the whisky. Fire in my head and belly. Hadn't eaten for a while, not since the magic shop owner. Hadn't eaten for a long time before that. So I told her, told Red what I wanted. Her. Drusilla. Asked what she needed, threw the Spellbook at her, said I'd get the stuff. Got angry and upset then, what a pillock. Ended up crying into her neck. Warm sweet skin. Could feel the pulse under my cheek, the temptation to just taste her……… the warmth, so close. I could smell her blood. Sweet, so warm and red. But she knew, she pulled back. Said she'd do the spell, but I wasn't to touch her. Or Xander. Asked me what I'd do if it didn't work. Went a bit crazy then, smashed the bottle, waved the sharp end in her face. Threatened. She's gutsy though, she didn't faint or anything, just told me to grow up and there'd be no threats, no having of anyone and she'd try the spell. Told me what she needed, then, the stuff to do it.
And so off I went, me, like a good little soldier, to pick up the stuff from the magic shop. Well, couldn't hardly let Red go. And Xander, still out like a light, no bloody help to anyone. That's where I found Buffy. Or should that be, she found me?
Entry 3… …
Well. Been out for a wander, smoked a few fags. Followed the Slayer for a bit. Couldn't touch her, of course. But I like to watch her. Help out if I can. Course, she doesn't know it. Wouldn't thank me if she did bloody know. But still.
Killed a vamp. Not too popular with them all at the moment, but you gotta kill something when you can, just to keep it going. And that thing about blood being blood wherever it comes from? Well, bloody forget that. There's nothing like the thrill of a chase and you can't beat fresh. Especially seasoned with fear……… no, nothing like it in this world. Or the next, either. Angelus would know. If he remembers anything about Acathla and hell and all that crap, apart from the pain.
Yeah, Buffy and Angel. Being all googly at each other. 'Course, they denied it all. Just friends, they said. Yeah. Like that's ever really gonna happen. One of those other bloody Scooby whats-its had gone running to Buffy, hadn't they. Squealing bloody murder about a fight and blood and people (presumably Red and Xander) being missing. So Buffy and that nancy pouf came out looking, and they found – well, they found me. Her usual trick, she did as always – hit first, ask later. She just assumed I'd taken them. Didn't lie. Admitted it, said they'd better sod off and leave me if she ever wanted to see them again. That I just had a little job for Red then I'd let them go. She guessed that I had 'em in the old factory, but I didn't let on. Let her worry about it, was my way of thinking. Then the others arrived.
Huh, funny the enemies you make when you're better than everyone else. Well, the vamps that turned up heard I was back and wanted a fight. Payback for old insults, you see. Bloody idiots. Buffy and that nancy boy were caught in the middle of it with me – I must admit, it is an advantage to have a Slayer on your side. They don't expect it, for one thing. But she needed me alive, you see, so that I'd tell her where I'd stashed her precious friends. So she had to help me fight 'em. HA! Bloody good fight, that was. Dust everywhere. Lots of screaming, and the damage that holy water does….nasty. Very nasty. Wrecked the bloody shop though. Still, who cares about that? Only some human somewhere.
Decided then that I didn't need the bloody spell, I had purpose again. If Dru thought I was soft, well, all I had to do was find the bitch and show her just how hard I was. Like my old self. Torture her a bit, you know, get her screaming and to admit that she couldn't live without me. Didn't need Red and the other wimp then, did I? Decided Buffy and nancy boy could go save 'em without me. Told 'em they were in the factory, but heard later that Oz (werewolf of all things – surprised me, that did) and that tart Cordelia had sniffed them out – literally by all accounts. Put a bit of a damper on the rescue though, when you discover your respective partners kissing. God, that made me laugh! One step, a thousand mistakes. Didn't need me to interfere with that one! Humans. You're all the bloody same. It's all, "Oooh, we're going to die," so get with the smoochies. You make me sick. Not a faithful bone in your bodies. You lot wouldn't last five minutes with your loved ones, let alone eternity.
All right, so I know Dru and I didn't, but we had a bloody good try. Her being insane didn't exactly help things. Sometimes I wanted to kill her. After that mob in Prague attacked and beat her, made it so she couldn't hardly do anything without me. It hurt to see her that way, small and sort of helpless. I wanted to kill her to make it better, make it right, make it all better for her. I can see you drawing back in horror – how could I want, how could I even think about killing someone I loved? I'm a demon, inside, even though I loved her. What did you expect? It would have been so sweet, taking her life the way she took mine. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I'd stayed what I was. And when I was. It's hard sometimes to see the world change around you. But you change with it. But we got through it. One minute, she would be so sweet, so loving. The next, raging, wailing about the things in her head, those things that only she could see.
God, I've had enough of this for the moment. Rambling about things, how they used to be, how they'll never bloody well be again.
I'm going out. I'm going to kill something. Something else. I need a fight. A good fight – not like that vamp earlier. Took him by surprise, no challenge there at all. Not the Slayer, you know I can't. But anything else that's stupid enough to get in my way………
Entry 4 … …
You know, I was thinking about the old days. Before everything, just when I was a new vampire. Drusilla made me, I've already told you that. But I didn't tell you what it was like, did I? There were four of us. Darla, Angelus, Dru – and then me.
It was the nineteenth century, and don't let anyone tell you what a romantic time it was. No lights, no cars, no decent booze. No decent cigarettes. I was in love with a young woman called Cecily. But she looked down on me – no, worse. She didn't even know I lived. I burned for her, wrote some of my finest verses in her honour and she ground me beneath her dainty heels. Bitch. The last time I saw her – the last time she was alive, anyway - she was radiant in white, a vision of purity and chasteness. That's when she said I was nothing to her. That I was beneath her. She scorned me, mocked my feelings for her. Dru found me later that night.
Would I have accepted what she offered if I'd known what it was? Hell, yes. The chance to live, really live. The chance to show those who said I was nothing. Cecily was the first one I visited, you know. My first victim as a newborn vampire. Her blood wasn't actually as blue as she liked to think, you know. But it was hot and fresh and gave me such a feeling of – power. She begged for mercy, but I told her she was beneath me. That she was nothing. The white dresses she liked to wear were red with her blood, soaked. I made sure she knew how much power over her I had. And then? Well. She was dead. But it took a while. Amazing, how screams can spur you on, make you think of ever more – loving - tortures to inflict.
I visited a lot of old friends shortly after that – till Angelus threw his weight around and said we had to leave. Suspicions were rising, apparently. Not entirely my fault. He and the girls left more than enough mutilated victims in their wake……for a while they didn't seem to care what state they left the bodies in, or where. Dumped them in the streets, sometimes. You'd hear the screams as they were found……
So we travelled together all over England and Europe. We never really stayed too long in one place. I mean, it's better now – tell anyone you think there's a vampire nearby and they'll lock you up quicker than you can scream. But back then, legends still carried some weight, especially in remoter areas. Even in towns, you couldn't be sure of safety. You couldn't afford to draw too much attention. But I didn't care. Not ever. I think perhaps that even then I might have had a bit of a death wish about me. Maybe I wanted to be caught by a mob. I don't know.
I remember Drusilla and what she was like, though. This one time, she took a fancy to some noblewoman's dress. Would have looked fair better on my princess than on the woman who wore it. Deep blood red, edged with white lace, the hem shaded to the colour of dried blood. Dru fell in love with it, so we took it. And the woman in it. And her children…… Oh, how she screamed while Dru played. And played. Inventive, my Dru was. I think the woman was mad long before Dru killed her. Funny – can't even remember who she was now. Just some minor noble – no-one of importance. Perhaps we never knew her name. We left that place soon after.
Then I did the one thing that Angelus, for all his posing and preening, had never (and has still never) done – I killed my first Slayer. Young Chinese girl, good fighter. I killed her in the middle of a full scale rebellion. Lots of screaming and fires and people running for their lives. Great times! You don't get times like that anymore. The taste of a Slayer's blood – now that's different. Not normal. For you lot, I s'pose it would be the difference between cheap wine and champagne. Potent and rich. Not a taste you forget. Angelus – well, he dismissed it as luck. Luck! To kill a Slayer? Bloody hell, you need a lot more than luck on your side. Dru was ecstatic. And the new Slayer was called, and time went on……and on……
The world rolls on and we roll with it. We change, demon or no. We have to. There are some vampires out there who are too stuck in their ways to change. Dracula, for one. God, talk about draw attention – he's such a showoff. Going everywhere with that bloody great castle and servants. He might as well hang a bloody sign round his neck saying "I am a vampire!" He used to be alright, you know, till he went all mysterious and gaunt- looking. Don't go for the skinny look, myself. He used to think it made him more appealing, all that white skin and the long dark hair. Pouf. Then he started with the magic and stuff. That flaming great castle of his used to pop up all over the place, with the bad weather. You'd think people would go, "Ooh, look at that, lived here all my life and never realised there was a castle with it's own thunderstorm in the back garden," but they never do.
Human minds, see, they ignore what you can't explain. Why you never really see us till we bite you – unless we really want you to. But Drac – now he was what vamps should be, really, apart from the haunted thing and the bad accent. But doing magic, able to control and confuse. Good tricks. Thing is, most of us don't have the patience to learn it all. Feed first, then – well, just kill and kill. Who wants to waste time learning? Would be useful though, sometimes. Owes me money though. OK, owed me. Unless he's come back someplace else. Wouldn't put it past him. He's the only one, ever, who's come back after being killed. How many times has he done it? I've lost count, I'll tell you that much.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the next Slayer I killed. I didn't get the very next one, you understand. Others beat me to it. But I did kill another one, in New York, in the 70's. The 70's weren't as good as the 60's. Funny what pills'll do to the blood. Never feed off of a hippy or someone who's doing drugs, 'cause it'll mess with your mind, demon or no. Fed off a hippy girl in some commune – Dru had to come drag me out. She said I was sitting there, with the girl's body next to me, staring at my hand and laughing. God only knows what she'd taken before I took her. Enough to give me a headache like this chip gives me now.
But the Slayer……… I kinda enjoyed the 70s. The whole punk, ripped clothes attitude thing. Peroxided my hair, spiked it up, wore chains and zips and attitude with a capital A. The Slayer was dumb enough to follow me into the subway. We fought on a train, made it interesting, flashing in and out of tunnels. Dark, light, dark, light. Like fighting in slow motion, the dance of death. She lost, obviously. I looked into her eyes at the end, and it was there. Same as it was with the first one. She wanted to know what it was like. Death. She'd dealt it out countless times, even if it was to monsters and demons but I think, deep down, she wanted to know what it was like. I've tried to explain this several times. It isn't a good punch or a kick that kills the Slayer. It's how much they want to die, in the end. That's all it comes down to. I've just seen some film, great quote in it, goes, "Death is only the beginning." Well, it is for us. Not for you happy meals on legs. Not all of you………….
Entry 5 … … …
Well, here we are again. Ready to go on with the excitement of me? Yeah, thought so. As I said sometime earlier, Dru and I came to Sunnydale – godforsaken hellhole – because I'd heard there was a Slayer here. Wanted to add a third to my belt if I could. No other vampire's done that, you know – not three. Most have never even managed one before getting themselves dusted.
We came here. Found out there was some Master pointy-teeth guy stuck underground or something. Or he was dead by the Slayer's hand, I can't remember. Don't much care, cept that he'd left this kid – this thing, in charge. The Annointed One. Looked like a human, bout 10 years old, I reckon. Full of himself too. So we made the bargain, Dru and I, that we'd get rid of the girl and they'd let us stay – well, OK, I made the bargain. Dru just hummed and swayed a bit, must've given 'em the spooks. Dru, actually, was why I wanted to kill her, in the beginning. 'Cause Dru wanted me to do it for her. And I wanted to.
I found out which one she was. Had to see her fight, first, so I'd know what she was made of. So I found out – through the scaredy cat grapevine – where she and her little friends hung out. Some nightclub, packed with humanity – The Bronze. Oh, the temptation! To go in there and just kill, feed to bursting and then kill for the sake of it. OK, I know I can't do it now, that I come across like some nice tame pussy cat, but I was a bloody demon, remember! And I was BAD. Don't you ever forget it. There'll be time enough to remind everyone when this chip comes out. Till then, though, I know which side I'm picking whether they want me or not. God, where was I? Oh, yeah, that's right. Got one of the Annoying One's chumps to take a girl outside. Waited for him to bite, then went back into the club, just beside their table, and did the, "Oh, somebody call the police! There's some guy outside trying to bite someone!" thing. Well, she looked round, passed right by me, and shot outside. She should have seen what I was, but she didn't. Not then. I hid in the shadows and watched the fight. Good techniques. But she took a bit longer than was probably good. I came out and gave her a round of applause when she'd finished. That surprised her a bit… … She was ready to fight me, though. So I introduced myself and said that our time would come…… that we'd dance together and she'd lose.
I was meant to wait for some special night to kill the girl. St Vitus or some crap like that, when the dark power flows. Or so they told me. But I decided that waiting was no fun! Couldn't wait to fight. We followed her round for a bit, and when we finally attacked, I and the Annoying One's chums, it was at her school. Sunnydale High. Dump. Dark (obviously) full of milling students and parents and teachers. Her mother was there. Huh. See where she gets it from. She threatened me – ME! – with an axe, of all things! Right mess. We'd had a good fight, I was winning and then up she pops out of nowhere with a fire axe, ready to defend her beloved daughter. Course, she didn't know we were vampires or she'd have run screaming. She didn't know her precious daughter was a Slayer either. So I decided it would be better to withdraw, cut my losses, get out while before I ended up as a small pile of dust. But I did mean to kill her. I knew there'd be other opportunities……… Had to get past the Annoying One first, though. Had to show him who was boss, or he'd be on my back all the time, whining about the Slayer still being alive and interfering. I wanted a quiet life, 'specially for Dru. Didn't do her much good when things were – messed up.
The Annoying One screamed when he hit the sunlight. Hoisted him up in a big steel cage, didn't wait for the dust to sift down. He wasn't a vampire though, he was some other thing, and the noise – I don't know if scream really describes it. But something certainly died in the cage. What was left of his "gang" knew who was the Big Bad then, and they let us alone, me 'n Dru.
Odd thing for a Slayer, you know. She has friends. They help, they get in the way, but she saves them and still they go on together. The other Slayers, the two I offed, were alone. 'Cept for their Watchers – bunch of ponces. No friends to help them. Perhaps that's how she's survived so long. She has things to live for. The others didn't. Don't know how she sees it. She only talks to me when she wants information, and even then she spends more time hitting than speaking.
She's strong. Stronger than even she knows. She's not like the other Slayers, I can see something in her. Something dark. Dracula could see it too – he told her it was there. That her power is based in evil, older even than the oldest of us (God only knows who that is, but don't believe any of that Anne Rice rubbish about Egyptians). I wonder if she knows where the power of the Slayer comes from, wonder if she ever thinks about it. I do. When this chip comes out, it'll be something to use against her. Maybe. I love her but at the same time, I wish she was dead. She'll never love me. She thinks I'm a monster. So when the chip comes out, I will be. I'll be all the demon she could ever want…………
Entry 6……
You probably want to know why I came back to Sunnydale, since I spend so much time moaning about how much I hate the bloody place. And I expect you're dying to know about the chip, aren't you? Well, you can damn well wait for that little story. I'm not giving everything up in one go.
I came back to Sunnydale for one thing, and one thing only. A thing that vampires the world over had searched for, deciding in the end – more fool them – that it was a legend, a myth, that it didn't exist and never had. Well, I did my homework. And I found out that it was real. And where it was.
A simple thing, a thing that would allow me to become a daywalker. And unkillable. The Gem of Amorrah. I'm already immortal, barring accidents with sharp pointy things, but I can be killed – as evidenced over and over again by our friend the Slayer with Mr Pointy. By the way, she's the only Slayer I ever heard of who named her stake. Did someone say she was normal?
Anyway, Drusilla had dumped me again. Yes, I admit it. This time she went off with a fungus demon (she's got a thing about slime, now) but to be honest, it wasn't the same after we split last time. Sod her. She can do what she likes. She always did anyway, 'cept that for some of it she was too mad. So I thought, what can I do to pass the time? I was in a bar, talking to some demons and playing cards, when the subject of the Gem came up. Don't 'xactly remember how. But anyway. I went with it – I mean, imagine what it would be like – to be staked by Buffy and for nothing to happen. She'd be so vulnerable in that instant – be like killing a normal person. The sunlight thing's overrated. Who needs a tan? Just gives you skin cancer. Not much good to anyone. But being able to stalk her -–IN DAYLIGHT when she wouldn't expect it. Now, that would be worth the effort of finding the damn thing. So I did my homework, turned into Vampire in Charge of Other Researching Vampires – you didn't think I did it myself, did you? Don't be so bloody stupid. And, surprise, surprise, it turns out the bloody thing's in Sunnydale, of all the places in the whole world where it could be. Sunnydale! I ask you. So back I came.
Picked up a nice little blonde vamp on the way – Harmony. Thought she'd be a nice distraction while we searched. She drove me round the sodding bend! Can I make this person a vampire? Can we go to France? You promised to take me out! But she was good in other ways – huh, won't go into that here. That's personal stuff. Then the silly cow went and tried to bite the little witch, said that her "boyfriend would make them sorry" or some crap like that. Luckily for her, she didn't tell them it was me. Last bloody thing I wanted was the Slayer knowing I was back in Sunnydale, the place of my most humiliating arse-kickings. Then Harm insisted that I take her out – so we went to pick up some food. At a party, where people would just think we were taking home a drunk. And guess what? Yeah, just our sodding luck. Bumped straight into the Slayer and her boy-toy. We made a run for it, got back to the lair in one piece. That's when I made them – Harmony and the others - promise to stay in. Harm threw a hissy fit at that one, but I didn't want the Slayer tracking us back to the tunnels, not when we were so close to finding the Gem.
We'd pinpointed the manky old crypt where the Gem was meant to be, then tunnelled to come up underneath it. The sight when we broke through into the crypt! We were the first to have seen it for centuries, must have been. Hoards of stuff in there, some magical rubbish, some not. Glittering in the light from our lamps. Then I thought I'd found it. A deep, flashing green jewel on a long golden chain, wrapped round the neck of a mouldering skeleton. Harmony'd come into the crypt behind me, wanted to know if she could have "stuff". What did I care? I'd found the Gem……… it was all I wanted. The power of it! I ripped it off its late owner and carefully lowered it over my head, feeling the weight of it against my chest. Didn't feel any different. Harmony told me I looked the same, that she thought I'd be glowing or at least taller. Then she started to prattle on again – honestly, the girl hasn't a brain in her head. The mouth just moves with no outward direction. Yap, yap, yap. Eternal damnation and boils upon the one who made her! Unless it was me. Lost my temper a bit then, grabbed for the first thing I saw. A cross. The pain of it! Searing into my flesh, burning. So obviously the thing round my neck wasn't the Gem…… Harm's advice on the burn? That I should put some butter on it. Lost it completely then, broke a table thing, and staked her. But nothing happened. The wound closed up at once – no dust, no pile of ashes – just a very angry and upset female vampire who started screeching at me. That's when I saw it – on her hand. A ring, golden, bearing a green jewel in a cage. Had to be it – had to be the Gem! I ripped it off her – yeah, I should have asked, but who the hell are you to tell me what I should have done? And Harm was just a baby compared to me, far too weak to fight me – and win. Especially not with the Gem on my hand.
Then I went Slayer hunting. My God, the look on her face when she saw me – in sunlight! I could feel it warming my skin for the first time in over 100 years. The only other thing that's warmed my skin has been fresh, sweet blood. The warmth of sunlight is different, though. It stung slightly, as if it knew I shouldn't be there, was only in the light on borrowed time. I think I'd come up at a bad time… Obviously things weren't working out real well with her and the boy-toy. I caught enough of the conversation to know that she'd – well, to use an Angel phrase, had a happy – but then he didn't want to know. Talk about laugh! "Ooh, have I done something wrong?" she asked him. He'd just used her, taken what she offered – he didn't want anything else. And she'd let him, thinking, oh, I don't know, that it was love. She doesn't know what love is. I know. Angel - even Angelus - knew. She looked like a kicked puppy when he told her it'd been fun and that was all. Then he walked away. And I moved in.
I don't think I need to go into the bloody details for you. I sodding got my arse kicked again, she ripped the ring off me, I went back down into tunnels. I think my mistake was mentioning Angel. She wasn't doing so good till then. That just pushed her over the edge. But she's magnificent when she's angry, when she's fighting for her life. 'cause that's what it was going to be. A fight to the death.
I can hear you wondering how I can say I'm in love with her, when I keep saying I wish she was dead. You don't quite understand me………I don't really mean dead, as in not-alive-in-any-way dead, not any more. I wish she was like us. Forever. I can't really say exactly when I started to feel this way. It just happened. One minute, she was just a pain in the arse, thwarting (good word, huh?) me at every turn. The next? She was all I could think about. My head was full of her, every thought, every action, tainted by her. Everywhere I looked, she was there. Blonde, slim, strong, fearless – beautiful.
Entry 7………
Back to the Gem. Yeah, the bloody thing that was meant to make me able to kill the Slayer. And walk in daylight without burning. Damn thing. After the fight with Buffy, when she ripped the sodding thing off me, I found out – you can find out just about anything if you really need to know – that she intended to send the ring to lover boy. Yup. She was going to send it to Angel. Now, I don't need to tell you what would happen if Angel just happened to turn all evil and nasty again – with the Gem of Amorrah on his delicate little finger, do I? And the little werewolf was going to take it to him for her. So I followed him, down to LA. What a city that is! Full of fear and death and pulsing life, just waiting to be taken by those of us that prowl the night. Don't know where I got that phrase from, but I like it! Sort of romantic in a slightly evil kind of way. The great pouf was running some sort of private detective agency, prancing round in those tight black leather pants he's so fond of, with his bloody great coat and black shirts. I watched him one night, saving a blonde girl from her crazy boyfriend. "Ooooooh, how can I ever thank you??" she fluttered at him. "No need, little lady, your gratitude is enough for me!" Bloody great ponce. Easy enough to watch, and see – where he went and what he did. He had quite a nice car in the basement of that old fire-station where he'd set up home. So I thought I would wait for him.
Hit him in the head with a bloody great plank when he did come down – didn't expect that one, I can tell you! We had a bit of a fight – I ended up face down on the bonnet of his car (not exactly according to plan, this bit). You see, I'd had a bloody great plan all worked out, how I was going to get him to hand over the ring and kill him, but – well, I got bored. Never been that patient and I got fed up hanging around. So there we were in the basement, when Cordelia – of all people – turned up. Turned out her and some half demon were working for Angel, helping him with his "investigations." Angel let me go then – big mistake.
I'd holed up in a bar downtown, where the demons didn't ask questions and didn't care who you were or where you'd come from. Not hiding, you understand. Just – minding my own business for a bit. But I knew that the halfling working for Angel would have contacts. And I knew that they'd be looking for me. It was child's play to set up a trap that would have Angel running downtown faster than you could blink, to come and get me. I'd hired a vampire called Marcus. Nice enough sort, if you like 'em totally insane with a flat madness that's harder than sanity. Obsessed with achieving purity through pain. Torture, to be exact. Didn't care about the ring, had no interest in it – he was exactly what I was looking for. Had to tell him what I wanted Angel for – I mean, no use hiring a bloody good torturer if you don't tell him what it is you want him to torture out of your victim, now is it?
Let it slip to a couple of the green warty skinned slimey ones that I was called Spike and that I was looking for a certain "something". And it got back to Angel. He charged in, knew he would, and caught me feeding. Nothing like that to get his back up, let me tell you! I think it's because he can't do it. If he feeds, then he'll become all nasty again and he's got this bee in his bonnet about atonement for his sins and being a good boy for all eternity. Well, I tell you – sod that! I'd go bad again, and I'd have some REAL fun. But he's all brooding-and-deep-guy, so not much chance of that. Sees himself as the champion of those poor idiots that wander round at night and don't have anyone else to fight for them. I suppose it would be noble if it wasn't quite so bloody pathetic.
Anyway, up he charged, right on time. "Let her go," he demanded. He's no bloody fun at all, and I told him so. He thought he had me. He didn't see Marcus – my torturing friend – behind him. With the chains. Huh. Once he was down, it was easier than – well, easier than child's play, to take him away and chain him up in the empty warehouse I'd rented for us all to play in.
His arms were above his head, the chains looped round his wrists and over a beam in the warehouse roof. Nice big space for Marcus to set up his table with all those lovely sharp pointy shiny things on it. And of course, the red hot coals in a brazier in front of it, just in case he wanted to play with hot things as well. When he eventually woke up, the first thing he saw was me. Struggled a bit too, even though it must have been killing his arms, wrenched up the way they were. Marcus came forward then and undid Angel's shirt, looking at his chest and stomach, tracing the muscles lightly. His only comment? 200 years of living, and so little surface damage. He wondered if the inside was the same – well, I didn't think it would be long before we saw the insides. Or at least bits of them.
Angel screamed like girl when Marcus shoved the red-hot poker into his side. Must admit, even I winced. Not where they could see me, mind. Brought back all sorts of memories, including one where I was on the receiving end of something like that. You won't see the scars on a vampire though. We heal to well and too fast for that. So I watched Marcus - I'd chosen a true artist at his trade. He knew exactly where to place each poker, each cut, each twist with the other instruments on his trays. I mean, all it would take was a shiny poker in the wrong place and we'd have a small pile of dust chained to the ceiling and that would be sod all use to anyone. I got bored after a bit, watching Marcus play. There's only so many different things you can do with red hot steel and even the reactions get the same after a bit. I was bored. Thought I'd go and have a look for the damn thing myself, since Angel was refusing to tell. But I wanted to cheer him up before I left, so we had a quick chat about Buffy. And her boy-toy. Told him I thought she was really cute when she was hurting. He had a good reply, though, I'll give him that. Said she was cuter when she was kicking my arse. So I joined in with Marcus for a bit with some pliers, thought it would be nice to play for a little while……
Cordelia and the halfling caught me in Angel's apartment, throwing things around. Cordelia had a crossbow, but I knew she wouldn't use it. She'd be dead before the bolt reached me. Told them they should find the Gem for me, 'cause I was fed up of looking. Got a laugh at that one, but they soon stopped when I told them I had Angel and he was playing with a friend of mine. Set up a bargain, then. Angel for the ring – they had till sundown to find it and bring it to me. Didn't take 'em long to agree.
Got back to the warehouse to find that Marcus had decided to shoot holes in the roof. Angel was almost surrounded by sunlight, and the holes were getting closer to him. Got back, just in time to stop my torturing friend being staked by Angel. He'd been stupid enough to leave a poker or something at Angel's feet. I'd told him to watch the legs, the bloody idiot!
Well. Cordelia and the halfling turned up at the meeting point, minus the ring. Said they knew where it was, but they wanted to see that Angel was in one piece before they told me. Ha! The bargain was for Angel to be alive. I'd never mentioned how many pieces he might be in! But, knew they wouldn't give in. I mean, Cordelia's a stubborn bitch and you can never tell with halflings. So I took 'em to the warehouse, showed them Angel and demanded they hand over my ring. That halfling threw it across the floor – if I wanted it, I'd have to scramble to get it. That's when everything – went wrong.
All I heard was the scream of an engine outside, then a bloody great van roared through the wall, into my warehouse! It was the sodding werewolf, hanging out the window with a crossbow trained on me. They somehow freed Angel and shoved him into the van, and screamed away. All they left was the stink of burning – rubber and flesh – in their wake. And then? Well, at least I had the ring. The Gem. Mine… Only I didn't. It was gone. Had to be Marcus, that cheating, double-crossing – words fail me. So much for purity through pain. But I think I knew what the lure would be, for him. He had a thing, you see – for children. Only, you don't get too many children wandering round at night. But the chance for him to walk in daylight? Obviously too much to resist.
That's when I made my decision. No more partners. No working with other vampires or demons or any other thing. Yeah, just me. The Sole Survivor. The Lone Wolf.
And I'll stick to it. Until I get this chip removed and then – well. I'm not going to kill her. Not the Slayer. Not Buffy. I'm going to turn her. Then she'll be with me. For eternity.