Sweet, Sweet Lies
turning circles time again
cut like a knife, oh now
if you love me
got to know for sure
'cause it takes something more this time
than sweet, sweet lies, oh now
before I open up my arms and fall
losing all control
...
Shit.
Kate Beckett was standing alone in the break room. A shattered coffee cup at her feet.
Not hers. His.
Her cup was the only thing keeping her hands from shaking. She felt a splash of liquid against her skin, looking down to see hot coffee dripping down her palm.
So much for that. Her hands were anything but still.
The coffee was hot, scalding. But she couldn't feel it.
She couldn't feel anything.
...
The day started out fine. The body drop call came a little bit earlier than she would have liked, but Castle was there, waiting with a cup a coffee. For the first time in weeks, she had slept through the night. No nightmares of bright cemeteries and dark hangars woke her.
She felt good. In control.
She should've known it wouldn't...couldn't last.
It was a quick flinch, a miniscule change in her demeanor. A car backfiring, maybe a block away, that made her miss a step, nearly stumbling into the uniform in front of her.
She mumbled an apology and kept going. She was ducking under the yellow tape when she noticed the way Castle was looking at her, concern pouring from his eyes.
Damnit.
He saw it. He always did.
...
She managed to avoid his questions until they got back to the precinct. He cornered her in the break room as she made them coffee.
"What do you want, Castle?" She said, the exasperation clear in her voice.
"Are you OK?" He asked quietly, trying to catch her eye.
She busied her hands with the task.
"I'm fine," she replied.
And she was. Her PTSD was getting better. She was able to pull herself out of this episode quickly. This morning wasn't even worth mentioning to her therapist. But Castle wasn't about to let it go. She could see the determination in his eyes.
"It was quick, Castle. I'm OK..." she paused and lifted a hand to squeeze his forearm, "...really."
He gave her a weak smile before nodding.
They leaned against the counter, side by side, shoulders touching. It was quiet and he was warm next to her. The blinds were closed and door was nearly shut. All she wanted to do was lay her head on his shoulder, just for a minute.
Castle sighed heavily, she could feel his shoulders slump.
"I don't get it, if you don't remember anything..."
Shit.
"...how come this keeps happening?"
He was looking at her. His voice was soft and bewildered.
She fumbled for words, any words, but her throat was clogged, a lump of tears threatening to choke her. She didn't have time to wipe the evidence of her lie off her face before he saw everything.
His face drained of all color. His eyes were wide, drowning in unmasked pain.
She dropped her head in shame.
The sound of ceramic crashing against the floor brought her eyes up, searching for him.
But he was gone.
...
She was numb.
On auto-pilot, she cleaned the spilled coffee and recklessly grabbed at the broken shards of the mug. Miraculously, she didn't cut herself this time.
Tears stung at the back of her eyes, pushing to be freed. She swallowed repeatedly, trying to the will them back down.
She just needed to get out of here. Then she could lose it.
After a few steadying breaths, Kate schooled her features and headed straight for her desk.
"Espo, I have something I need to take care of, can you handle things here?"
Esposito and Ryan both looked up. They both saw Castle tear out of bullpen only minutes earlier and by the look on Beckett's face, something had happened.
"Yeah, sure. We got this," Esposito replied with a smile.
"Thanks. I"ll...call you later," she said, shrugging on her jacket.
...
It took her a full five minutes to lift her hand and knock.
The whole drive over she tried to figure out what to say to him to fix this, them. But if she was being honest with herself, she didn't deserve his forgiveness. She didn't deserve him, period.
She could hear him shuffling to the door. And the distinct pause when he looked through the peep hole. The door opened slowly, revealing a disheveled Rick Castle.
His hair looked like he'd run his hand through it more than once. The tails of his shirt hung untucked. His feet only clad in socks.
His eyes were red rimmed, but dry.
He didn't say a word, just looked at her...through her.
"Now isn't a good time," he said, his voice catching, betraying him.
"Too bad," Kate mumbled, pushing past him, grabbing his arm, taking him with her.
She went straight for his office, pausing before deciding that the open bookshelves didn't provide enough privacy. She glanced to the right and pulled him through the open door and into...his bedroom.
Great.
She took a deep breathe before turning to face him. He clicked the door shut behind him.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Castle."
His eyes stayed fixed on the ground, his hands shaking at his sides.
Apparently apologizing wasn't going to be enough. Of course it wasn't.
He told her he loved her and she left. She left him for three months and let him think she never even heard him.
"How long?" He finally spoke. His voice rough.
She twisted her hands, uncomfortable. She was pretty sure she knew what he was asking. When did she remember. When did that moment come back to her. How was she supposed to tell him it never left?
She chanced a glance at him. And he read it on her face. All control she had over her expressions gone.
She watched as his breath quickened, eyes darting around the dark room, looking for something, anything to grab ahold of.
Without much thought she went to him. He recoiled at her advance, his back hitting the door with a thud.
"I'm sorry," she tried again, her voice a little stronger. "I'm sorry."
"I can't-"
She cut him off, pressing herself against him, taking his mouth. He stilled under her hands, his breath catching in his throat. She lingered a moment, before pulling back to look at him.
"I'm sorry."
His eyes were closed, breathing shallow. She waited, her hands warm against his chest. It was the least she could do.
He waited for her.
He blinked slowly, his eyes dark, pupils wide.
She was hoping he could see the truth like he could see the lies.
I love you.
The pain and anger dissipated as quickly as it had come. Before she could say the words he needed, deserved, he spun them, pushing her against the door.
He ducked his head, sliding his mouth across hers. She gasped as his tongue pried her open. Raising up on her tip-toes she wound her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
They broke panting. His breath skirted across her cheek. She swallowed the lump in her throat, brushing her lips across his ear in a whisper.
"I love you."
...
a/n: I'm not sure if this is done yet or not. I might have one more chapter to write. Thanks for reading.