Jack heard the door close and he looked to make sure he was alone again. He
let his body fall to the bench, his misery now compounded by his visitor.
He shook as if it he was cold, but his wet body and stained clothes
betrayed the effect. Jack tried to push it back, but the guilt swept in
leaving him breathless. His old friend guilt, back for another chat, it
seemed. He felt like it had been a thousand years since his conscience was
clear. He had wanted to get her out before, right after Ramon was
arrested. He had the whole thing planned. And then he had gotten the
information about the virus and knew he had to somehow make Hector Salazar
trust him again. If there was a chance that Claudia needed to be a part of
that then getting her out earlier would have been a mistake and he knew it.
He told himself that this time, he would make sure that she and her family
got away. An opportunity would present itself.
He tried to clear his head, to think about the rest of this day, but it was
just getting so hard to think. His body was telling him that it would be
just fine to lie down and die now. He hated her seeing him like this. He
did not want to fix today, but if he absolutely had to he would at least
wait until he could use it to his advantage. He needed every weapon
available to him today, even his heroin habit.
He knew what Claudia thought, seeing him this way. The night she had
discovered the marks on his arm had been close to the end of his first
operation with the Salazars. She had asked him why over and over, and he
told her he could handle it, that he could stop, that it meant nothing. In
the end he had silenced her with his tears and his kisses and his body
until she had stopped asking. A few weeks later he was gone, leaving her
behind hating him for his betrayal, taking with him a nasty little secret.
Chase thought he had started doing the stuff so he would be accepted by the
Salazars. Jack chuckled to himself. No, the heroin was his choice. He had
thought that it could help him forget the things he had done to earn the
trust of Hector and Ramon. Yes he had killed for the Salazars, but the
killing didn't bother him. He had killed many times in order to advance a
mission for the greater good. The men he had killed for the Salazars were
bad men for sure. The last time, the killing that had sealed their trust
and acceptance, had pushed Jack over the edge.
Jack had been called to a room on the compound one night and ordered to
kill a supplier who had betrayed the Salazars in some unnamed manner. It
didn't matter to Jack. This man made dope available to kids. Jack had once
seen him shoot a prostitute instead of paying her. No sweat, no
reservations, until Jack had walked into the room where the supplier was
tied up. Standing restrained against the far wall was a woman, and a small
girl. The woman struggled, cried and pleaded as the little girl, held a
small distance from her wailed, looking from the supplier to the woman,
calling out for them. So, this was a family then, caught in a hell from
which Jack knew there was no escape. Hector spoke to the supplier's wife as
he handed Jack a machete. He told her that if she went to the authorities
as she had threatened she would watch her daughter meet the same fate as
her husband. Hector nodded to Jack, and Jack had hacked the man to death
amidst screams that the heroin had been unable to silence. He did not care
about the man he had killed. The sight of the girl, spattered with her
father's blood was the image he could not shake. He had seen and done so
many things in the name of advancing the mission but he had never killed a
child's parent as they watched. In his mind he kept seeing a six year old
Kim, her face covered in his blood. He had hurt the supplier's daughter
deeply, probably permanently and she was in the end someone's daughter,
someone's Kim. That night he had taken two needles. In one arm he was given
the ink of the tattoo that made him almost a brother to Hector and Ramon.
In the other, the drug that still lived inside him like heaven and hell.
Jack tried to stretch out on the bench. His thoughts went back to Claudia.
He remembered the first day he had seen her, weeks before the supplier's
death. He had walked with Hector into the large kitchen in the compound. It
was Ramon's birthday, and Hector wanted to make sure that the preparations
were well underway. Hector behaved like a pouty three year old if Ramon was
displeased with anything, so Jack was glad he was checking on the birthday
celebration to make sure it was perfect. Ramon would be an asshole tonight
anyway because he would be drunk, but maybe he would be a happy asshole if
he liked his party. Ramon happy equaled Hector happy. And when they both
were happy Jack had to put up with less Salazar grief and stupidity.
As he entered the kitchen behind Hector he saw a small woman standing,
hands on hips, giving orders to the staff. Despite her stature she seemed
the biggest person in the room. She had a beautiful face and intelligent
eyes that promised wrath for anyone crossing her.
He could detect gentleness, though, in the movement of her hands and the
promise of softness that was just below her expression. Her eyes
purposefully avoided his. Hector walked over, strutting like a rooster and
gave her a passionate kiss. Hector was dumb. Definitely not smart enough
for this one. He found himself thinking of what her tiny body would feel
like under his. Now who was dumb? Hector would kill both of them and Jack
couldn't risk the outcome of this mission.
Hector talked with her about Ramon's birthday briefly, offered no
introductions and, telling her he would see her that night, turned and
walked out of the room wordlessly telling Jack to follow. As he walked out,
Jack could feel her eyes burning into him. He turned to her still walking,
offering her the barest of grins. Her face betrayed nothing, but Jack knew
he was affecting her and he enjoyed it. He allowed his smile to widen, and
let his eyes linger a moment as he walked out. When he was around the
corner he told himself to forget about her, that she could mean nothing but
trouble. But in his mind he could see her tiny waist in his hands and her
delicate hands on his face. He knew it would never and could never happen.
But the part of him that housed the real Jack Bauer knew he would have her,
even on that first day.
A week after encountering her in the kitchen, Jack saw Claudia's soft
expression revealed, her feelings laid bare on the lovely curves of her
face. He had seen Sergio in the yard tossing a baseball up into the air,
over and over again, trying to catch it in a glove that looked too new and
stiff. Hector walked by and Sergio grabbed another glove from the ground
and ran to Hector, offering the glove and asking him to play, his words
asking but his eyes pleading. Hector smiled, patted Sergio's head, made
excuses, and then departed. Sergio stood there for a moment staring at as
Hector walked away, the glove still outstretched in front of him. Jack
jogged over to him and held out his hand for the glove. Sergio hesitated
for a moment then smiled and handed it over. They stayed in the yard until
it was too dark to see the ball. Claudia was standing just inside the door
as they came in, the dim foyer lights casting a beautiful glow on her
smile. She told Sergio to wash up for dinner. To him she said only "Thank
you Jack", but her face spoke much more. He loved the way his name sounded,
coming from her lips like a caress. He had smiled like a school boy all the
way back to his room.
Jack shook and coughed as he let another memory wash over him. The first
time they had made love was the first time they had even touched each
other. Hell, they had barely spoken ten words between them before that
night. Ramon and Hector were on a five day trip that would yield the
brothers loads of money and more affirmation of their place in the world of
drug cartels and terrorism. Jack was to make a visit to a certain contact
the next night and then travel to meet Ramon and Hector, contact in tow. He
was so close to being fully trusted by the brothers and this inclusion in
their current deal showed that. The contact would have to be taken from a
heavily guarded compound, alive, unharmed and unnoticed. Jack had assembled
and rehearsed with his team and he had nothing left to do but wait.
He was in his room, strangely enough thinking about Kate and how baffled
she had been when Jack had ended it with her. He just hadn't been able to
lie to her or himself anymore about just how little passion he had for her.
He cared, yes, he liked her, yes. But he didn't burn for her. Kate deserved
someone who loved her totally. He could not stand the thought of her
waiting for him while he went undercover. She would be waiting for a lie.
Kate needed a person that worshiped her, adored her and he did not. But
when he went to the place inside his heart where he could be honest with
himself he wondered if he had really ever given himself permission to love
her. And if he went really deep into himself he would also say that being
with Kate scared him. She represented permanence and stability. His life
seemed like a long string of things that did not last, a child's snow globe
that could sit on a shelf for months untouched and then be shook violently
or thrown to the floor, shattered into a million pieces. Another person
looking into Jack's life might say Jack thought Kate was too good and noble
for a guy like him.
A soft knock interrupted his thoughts. He opened the door, and tried to
tell himself he was surprised by his visitor. Hadn't he hoped for this
since the day he had first seen her? Claudia came in with a tray of food,
saying she noticed he had not been at dinner. He took the tray from her
and put it on the small table in the corner of his room. He thanked her.
She did not leave. She walked over and placed her hand on his cheek. He had
one wild fleeting thought about the how dangerous this encounter would be
and then he crossed the line, stopped thinking, and let his body take over.
He reached out and pulled her face to his, kissing her as he walked her
backwards to his bed. Her hands were pulling at his clothes before they
walked two steps.
Much later, and much too tired for anything else, finally they had talked.
Claudia told him about the desperate mistakes she had made getting involved
with Hector, and bringing her family here. She had known that it would be
an escape from poverty; Sergio could be educated and her father could make
real money and have a nice place to live. Hector had paid her fathers debts
and allowed them a new start. She had been naïve about the Salazars, and
all too willing to see only what she wanted to see, until she could ignore
it no more. She regretted the day she met Hector Salazar, but knew he would
kill her if she tried to leave. She also thought sometimes that he would
kill her if she stayed.
There was little Jack could talk about without lying to her, so he told
her every thought he had about her since that day in the kitchen. He talked
about seeing her again and how they would hide their relationship. He
talked about how he would try to help her. She asked what a man like him
was doing with the Salazars. His answer was the closest thing to a lie he
had ever told her. He said that if he didn't work for the Salazars, harm
would come to his family. It was true in a broad way. Terrorists threatened
harm to the life of every family every day. He told her he had a daughter
that he loved more than anything and that he would rather die than see her
hurt. Claudia had not doubted what he told her. She knew Ramon and how
ruthless he was. And Hector, although less heartless in her opinion, always
did what Ramon wanted.
They had continued to see each other as frequently as safety would allow,
which was not often. Their meetings were brief but intense. Claudia had
woken something in him that had been asleep for a long time, perhaps even
dead. He hadn't been able to make love to Kate without seeing Teri's face.
And God help him sometimes Nina had shown up there too and the thought
sickened him. It had seemed an inescapable nightmare. But Claudia had made
him forget everything. When he made love to Claudia, she made him abandon
everything, past and future. It was a white hot cloud of forgetting that
left his body undone and yearning for the next time. He thought he loved
Claudia even though he knew it could take them nowhere good.
And then came the night of the machete. It had changed something in him and
she could see it. But he clung to her more, and their time together and the
heroin was the only thing that could dim the sight of the traitor's blood
spattered daughter and the sound of her wails and screams. He could not
imagine how she could fit into his life in L.A. or even if she would want
to once she found out who and what he was. Maybe, in a strange way he was
with her partly because he thought she wouldn't be a part of his life in L.
A. But he would come back to get her as soon as Ramon was taken to prison,
or so he thought then, before he knew about the virus.
On the day it all went down he made sure Claudia was not on the compound.
Many times in the days and weeks after he left he had imagined Claudia's
reaction when she found out he what he was. In front of Hector she would
have had to be strong, to show only anger for his betrayal to the Salazars
and nothing more. But he imagined her alone, weeping for everything she had
lost, cursing him with every breath, hating him and hating herself for
believing in him. Sometimes she came to him in his dreams, and when he
woke, he could still feel her hot tears on his chest.
And tonight he had faced her and told her all the truth he could, that he
had meant everything he ever said to her. He couldn't tell her why he was
really here, not yet anyway. He would get her out this time, though, he
thought as he tried to reign in the shakes that had taken over his body.
But the part of him that was the real Jack Bauer, the Jack he never let
anyone see, wondered if any of them would live through this long night.
let his body fall to the bench, his misery now compounded by his visitor.
He shook as if it he was cold, but his wet body and stained clothes
betrayed the effect. Jack tried to push it back, but the guilt swept in
leaving him breathless. His old friend guilt, back for another chat, it
seemed. He felt like it had been a thousand years since his conscience was
clear. He had wanted to get her out before, right after Ramon was
arrested. He had the whole thing planned. And then he had gotten the
information about the virus and knew he had to somehow make Hector Salazar
trust him again. If there was a chance that Claudia needed to be a part of
that then getting her out earlier would have been a mistake and he knew it.
He told himself that this time, he would make sure that she and her family
got away. An opportunity would present itself.
He tried to clear his head, to think about the rest of this day, but it was
just getting so hard to think. His body was telling him that it would be
just fine to lie down and die now. He hated her seeing him like this. He
did not want to fix today, but if he absolutely had to he would at least
wait until he could use it to his advantage. He needed every weapon
available to him today, even his heroin habit.
He knew what Claudia thought, seeing him this way. The night she had
discovered the marks on his arm had been close to the end of his first
operation with the Salazars. She had asked him why over and over, and he
told her he could handle it, that he could stop, that it meant nothing. In
the end he had silenced her with his tears and his kisses and his body
until she had stopped asking. A few weeks later he was gone, leaving her
behind hating him for his betrayal, taking with him a nasty little secret.
Chase thought he had started doing the stuff so he would be accepted by the
Salazars. Jack chuckled to himself. No, the heroin was his choice. He had
thought that it could help him forget the things he had done to earn the
trust of Hector and Ramon. Yes he had killed for the Salazars, but the
killing didn't bother him. He had killed many times in order to advance a
mission for the greater good. The men he had killed for the Salazars were
bad men for sure. The last time, the killing that had sealed their trust
and acceptance, had pushed Jack over the edge.
Jack had been called to a room on the compound one night and ordered to
kill a supplier who had betrayed the Salazars in some unnamed manner. It
didn't matter to Jack. This man made dope available to kids. Jack had once
seen him shoot a prostitute instead of paying her. No sweat, no
reservations, until Jack had walked into the room where the supplier was
tied up. Standing restrained against the far wall was a woman, and a small
girl. The woman struggled, cried and pleaded as the little girl, held a
small distance from her wailed, looking from the supplier to the woman,
calling out for them. So, this was a family then, caught in a hell from
which Jack knew there was no escape. Hector spoke to the supplier's wife as
he handed Jack a machete. He told her that if she went to the authorities
as she had threatened she would watch her daughter meet the same fate as
her husband. Hector nodded to Jack, and Jack had hacked the man to death
amidst screams that the heroin had been unable to silence. He did not care
about the man he had killed. The sight of the girl, spattered with her
father's blood was the image he could not shake. He had seen and done so
many things in the name of advancing the mission but he had never killed a
child's parent as they watched. In his mind he kept seeing a six year old
Kim, her face covered in his blood. He had hurt the supplier's daughter
deeply, probably permanently and she was in the end someone's daughter,
someone's Kim. That night he had taken two needles. In one arm he was given
the ink of the tattoo that made him almost a brother to Hector and Ramon.
In the other, the drug that still lived inside him like heaven and hell.
Jack tried to stretch out on the bench. His thoughts went back to Claudia.
He remembered the first day he had seen her, weeks before the supplier's
death. He had walked with Hector into the large kitchen in the compound. It
was Ramon's birthday, and Hector wanted to make sure that the preparations
were well underway. Hector behaved like a pouty three year old if Ramon was
displeased with anything, so Jack was glad he was checking on the birthday
celebration to make sure it was perfect. Ramon would be an asshole tonight
anyway because he would be drunk, but maybe he would be a happy asshole if
he liked his party. Ramon happy equaled Hector happy. And when they both
were happy Jack had to put up with less Salazar grief and stupidity.
As he entered the kitchen behind Hector he saw a small woman standing,
hands on hips, giving orders to the staff. Despite her stature she seemed
the biggest person in the room. She had a beautiful face and intelligent
eyes that promised wrath for anyone crossing her.
He could detect gentleness, though, in the movement of her hands and the
promise of softness that was just below her expression. Her eyes
purposefully avoided his. Hector walked over, strutting like a rooster and
gave her a passionate kiss. Hector was dumb. Definitely not smart enough
for this one. He found himself thinking of what her tiny body would feel
like under his. Now who was dumb? Hector would kill both of them and Jack
couldn't risk the outcome of this mission.
Hector talked with her about Ramon's birthday briefly, offered no
introductions and, telling her he would see her that night, turned and
walked out of the room wordlessly telling Jack to follow. As he walked out,
Jack could feel her eyes burning into him. He turned to her still walking,
offering her the barest of grins. Her face betrayed nothing, but Jack knew
he was affecting her and he enjoyed it. He allowed his smile to widen, and
let his eyes linger a moment as he walked out. When he was around the
corner he told himself to forget about her, that she could mean nothing but
trouble. But in his mind he could see her tiny waist in his hands and her
delicate hands on his face. He knew it would never and could never happen.
But the part of him that housed the real Jack Bauer knew he would have her,
even on that first day.
A week after encountering her in the kitchen, Jack saw Claudia's soft
expression revealed, her feelings laid bare on the lovely curves of her
face. He had seen Sergio in the yard tossing a baseball up into the air,
over and over again, trying to catch it in a glove that looked too new and
stiff. Hector walked by and Sergio grabbed another glove from the ground
and ran to Hector, offering the glove and asking him to play, his words
asking but his eyes pleading. Hector smiled, patted Sergio's head, made
excuses, and then departed. Sergio stood there for a moment staring at as
Hector walked away, the glove still outstretched in front of him. Jack
jogged over to him and held out his hand for the glove. Sergio hesitated
for a moment then smiled and handed it over. They stayed in the yard until
it was too dark to see the ball. Claudia was standing just inside the door
as they came in, the dim foyer lights casting a beautiful glow on her
smile. She told Sergio to wash up for dinner. To him she said only "Thank
you Jack", but her face spoke much more. He loved the way his name sounded,
coming from her lips like a caress. He had smiled like a school boy all the
way back to his room.
Jack shook and coughed as he let another memory wash over him. The first
time they had made love was the first time they had even touched each
other. Hell, they had barely spoken ten words between them before that
night. Ramon and Hector were on a five day trip that would yield the
brothers loads of money and more affirmation of their place in the world of
drug cartels and terrorism. Jack was to make a visit to a certain contact
the next night and then travel to meet Ramon and Hector, contact in tow. He
was so close to being fully trusted by the brothers and this inclusion in
their current deal showed that. The contact would have to be taken from a
heavily guarded compound, alive, unharmed and unnoticed. Jack had assembled
and rehearsed with his team and he had nothing left to do but wait.
He was in his room, strangely enough thinking about Kate and how baffled
she had been when Jack had ended it with her. He just hadn't been able to
lie to her or himself anymore about just how little passion he had for her.
He cared, yes, he liked her, yes. But he didn't burn for her. Kate deserved
someone who loved her totally. He could not stand the thought of her
waiting for him while he went undercover. She would be waiting for a lie.
Kate needed a person that worshiped her, adored her and he did not. But
when he went to the place inside his heart where he could be honest with
himself he wondered if he had really ever given himself permission to love
her. And if he went really deep into himself he would also say that being
with Kate scared him. She represented permanence and stability. His life
seemed like a long string of things that did not last, a child's snow globe
that could sit on a shelf for months untouched and then be shook violently
or thrown to the floor, shattered into a million pieces. Another person
looking into Jack's life might say Jack thought Kate was too good and noble
for a guy like him.
A soft knock interrupted his thoughts. He opened the door, and tried to
tell himself he was surprised by his visitor. Hadn't he hoped for this
since the day he had first seen her? Claudia came in with a tray of food,
saying she noticed he had not been at dinner. He took the tray from her
and put it on the small table in the corner of his room. He thanked her.
She did not leave. She walked over and placed her hand on his cheek. He had
one wild fleeting thought about the how dangerous this encounter would be
and then he crossed the line, stopped thinking, and let his body take over.
He reached out and pulled her face to his, kissing her as he walked her
backwards to his bed. Her hands were pulling at his clothes before they
walked two steps.
Much later, and much too tired for anything else, finally they had talked.
Claudia told him about the desperate mistakes she had made getting involved
with Hector, and bringing her family here. She had known that it would be
an escape from poverty; Sergio could be educated and her father could make
real money and have a nice place to live. Hector had paid her fathers debts
and allowed them a new start. She had been naïve about the Salazars, and
all too willing to see only what she wanted to see, until she could ignore
it no more. She regretted the day she met Hector Salazar, but knew he would
kill her if she tried to leave. She also thought sometimes that he would
kill her if she stayed.
There was little Jack could talk about without lying to her, so he told
her every thought he had about her since that day in the kitchen. He talked
about seeing her again and how they would hide their relationship. He
talked about how he would try to help her. She asked what a man like him
was doing with the Salazars. His answer was the closest thing to a lie he
had ever told her. He said that if he didn't work for the Salazars, harm
would come to his family. It was true in a broad way. Terrorists threatened
harm to the life of every family every day. He told her he had a daughter
that he loved more than anything and that he would rather die than see her
hurt. Claudia had not doubted what he told her. She knew Ramon and how
ruthless he was. And Hector, although less heartless in her opinion, always
did what Ramon wanted.
They had continued to see each other as frequently as safety would allow,
which was not often. Their meetings were brief but intense. Claudia had
woken something in him that had been asleep for a long time, perhaps even
dead. He hadn't been able to make love to Kate without seeing Teri's face.
And God help him sometimes Nina had shown up there too and the thought
sickened him. It had seemed an inescapable nightmare. But Claudia had made
him forget everything. When he made love to Claudia, she made him abandon
everything, past and future. It was a white hot cloud of forgetting that
left his body undone and yearning for the next time. He thought he loved
Claudia even though he knew it could take them nowhere good.
And then came the night of the machete. It had changed something in him and
she could see it. But he clung to her more, and their time together and the
heroin was the only thing that could dim the sight of the traitor's blood
spattered daughter and the sound of her wails and screams. He could not
imagine how she could fit into his life in L.A. or even if she would want
to once she found out who and what he was. Maybe, in a strange way he was
with her partly because he thought she wouldn't be a part of his life in L.
A. But he would come back to get her as soon as Ramon was taken to prison,
or so he thought then, before he knew about the virus.
On the day it all went down he made sure Claudia was not on the compound.
Many times in the days and weeks after he left he had imagined Claudia's
reaction when she found out he what he was. In front of Hector she would
have had to be strong, to show only anger for his betrayal to the Salazars
and nothing more. But he imagined her alone, weeping for everything she had
lost, cursing him with every breath, hating him and hating herself for
believing in him. Sometimes she came to him in his dreams, and when he
woke, he could still feel her hot tears on his chest.
And tonight he had faced her and told her all the truth he could, that he
had meant everything he ever said to her. He couldn't tell her why he was
really here, not yet anyway. He would get her out this time, though, he
thought as he tried to reign in the shakes that had taken over his body.
But the part of him that was the real Jack Bauer, the Jack he never let
anyone see, wondered if any of them would live through this long night.